Lies...

Hi everyone,

I've been with my partner for three years, he's 29 and I'm 27. In general he is a wonderful guy. Unfortunely, within the last 1.5 years a LOT have lies have surfaced, from big to small, but mostly him trying to appear better than he is. We have been through so many arguments and he always claims there are no more lies, until of course, more come out. Most of it has been related to pornography, which I am completely against. He has always known, as I've never lied about anything and it's really important to me. He has claimed to have stopped a few times and then doesn't, however, for some strange reason I believe that this time, he has stopped. I have been fooled before, but he seems genuine. Anyway, recently I was browsing his xbox and found a list of previous downloads, it was all really creepy stuff, like outfits for girls in games etc. This would have been before we got together, so I suppose I should let it go, but some of it really concerned me as there were lots of 'childlike' females, school uniforms for them, and Japanese type games featuring girls that look around 12 with massive breasts. It concerns me massively, because through all our arguments he has been adamant that he isn't into younger girls. Which is incredibly important to me as I have two daughters from a previous relationship.. I absolutely do not want a man who will be attracted to them or their friends as they get older, it terrifies me.

I just don't know what to do at this stage.. I love this man, but there is absolutely zero trust now, and things are beginning to appear that could suggest my worst fears are true.

I know lots of people are fine with porn, and that's ok, but I'm not. I tried compromising with him, suggesting that he tells me what he watches so I don't need to worry so much, but he just lied and said he didn't watch it. I suggested he only watch it if I turn him down for sex... which I never have, but he just watched it anyway. I know a lot of it is insecurity, but It's hardly surprising, he convinced me I was his type, only had eyes for me etc, and then I discover his porn type is my complete polar opposite. It's really upsetting, all of it is. I just don't view other men in that way when I'm love, is it too much to want someone to feel the same?

I suppose I just would like some advice, I can cope with all this right now, but I don't want to waste my life on a liar, who, in my opinon, cheats on me whenever he feels like it.. How will I ever know if he has genuinely changed, or if it will all come back later, or perhaps even become worse as he ages!! I don't want to end up in my fifties married to a man who oggles girls half his age and thinks I'm less valuable just because I'm older.. am I ridiculous in wanting that? I would be fair, and what I want from a man, i would quite happily give in return! I get into relationships with people I'm actually happy with, not decide I want a different face/body from time to time. I love him exactly as he is and other men are of no interest, is it really so stupid to want the same in return?

Anyway, I apologise, I am waffling, and have probably left bits out..

Thanks in advance

Pornography is not cheating. Period.

If is a deal breaker for you...then break up with him.

And the downloads are from 2 years ago.

Men watch porn. And when there SO has a huge issue with it, they lie about it.

Asking him to tell you when he watches it is to invite a huge discussion.

Porn is not pedophilia.

If this is the only thing he lies about...only you can decide if you trust him.

If there is no trust, there is no relationship.

i don't think you should spend your time on a liar .

I agree with mhowe. According to you his lies are solely about porn, probably because he knows you don't approve. He enjoys porn.

If that's a deal breaker for you then let him go.

You say that you have no way of knowing if he's "genuinely changed." But see, that's the problem, you're in a relationship with someone who you're sitting around hoping will one day change. It's not going to happen. He watches porn and will continue to do so, and will continue to lie to you about it. As for whether or not he's into younger women there's no way we could tell you, but if that's the vibe you're getting then that's probably the case.

The chances of him one day deciding he's going to be honest with you and start caring about your feelings toward pornography are slim to none

I appreciate your response. One thing though, surely whatever a couple decides is cheating, is cheating.. I never believed flirting to be cheating, but my partner does, so it is as far as I'm concerned. We both agreed to porn being cheating..

I also never said porn was paedophilia.. just young looking girls is surely a red flag for anyone with children. Or am I weird with that?

So...is fantasizing cheating as well?

Flirting with another person is certainly inappropriate behavior.

Fantasy with a picture...mental or photographic?

You have control over his thoughts?

The are likely not going girls but porn stars made to look younger.

Some people certainly would say fantasising about others was cheating, yes. Nobody is wrong about what counts as cheating, as long as both people agree.

Then why are you with him. He has used porn throughout your relationship.

And lied about.

By your rules... he is a cheater and a liar.

And I think that because you don't fantasize...you think he should not be allowed to either.

These things in combination should be deal breakers for you.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean.. Watching porn isn't a 'thought'. Plenty of people admit porn is an outlet for their craving of different girls. I suppose I just feel that if you want other people in a sexual way then you shouldn't be in a relationship. With me, anyway! I don't mind what other couples agree on, it's just about mutual respect really. Standard porn is something I'm against, for various reasons, and he agreed. I don't know how controlling thoughts even comes into it.

Because if he is using porn to masturbate (which I would guess you are against as well), then how do you stop him from thinking about these porn scenarios that are already in his head?

Even of he never downloads another picture?

I don't really know cheating and lying are deal breakers.. He's just very convincing in getting another chance. I'm just not sure what to do. I suppose my initial question should have been about how people change as they age.. If someone truly can become better if they really want to. My boyfriend seems genuine this time, he's talking about feminism and all sorts, quite good actually! But, after being let down so many times I just don't know what to do.

Deal breakers are just that...dealbreakers.

Your line in the sand has been washed away by the tide...several times.

Again...without trust, a relationship has no foundation.

Good question... My only thing with that is that he claims to not remember specifics. He has a terrible memory, so I believe that one! Plus, fantasising doesn't bother me like porn does, porn is multiple images, multiple girls, plenty of seriously misogynistic stuff and just quite horrible for women really. Whereas in your mind they are your own fantasies, not things pushed upon you.

Yes, that is true. It's difficult though, when you love someone and they have so many plus points. I just know I won't be happy in life being lied to. Nobody could be, I guess.

And yes, before this relationship I genuinely didn't realise quite how essential trust is. It literally affects everything.

You are trying to reconciliate that which cannot be done.

He has used porn throughout your time together and lied about it.

Why...because he doesn't want to deal with your response.

I would guezz he has another computer...or means of watching it where you will never find it.

And now says whatever you want to hear about how it is degrading for women, etc.

And yes...my bf watches porn. He also likes big breasted women ( movie stars, etc).

Do I care? No

Am I big breasted? No.

Why don't I care? Because he is in love and with me.

Not a big breasted woman of his fantasies.

You guys are not compatible.

FYI, just because one talks of feminism doesn't mean one is gonna be against porn. There's a lot of different stances.

I agree with mhowe anyhow (hah, that rhymed).

Well I suppose that's the problem, I don't see the point being with someone if I'm not who they'd want if they had the chance. I can't understand being ok with knowing your boyfriend would prefer you to have bigger breasts. That's just painful. But then, again, unfortunately when I'm in love, my boyfriend IS my fantasy, and I just want the same in return.

He's talking about anti porn feminists. Going against objectifying women etc.... I'm an idiot aren't I.

Meh, just don't want to bag all men into the stereotype of wanting lots of girls, young slim with big breasts preferably.

They can't ALL be like that.. Maybe I'm naive but I refuse to believe that. Just unfortunately more likely to fall for the lies I guess!

You are missing the point.

My bf is with ME because he loves ME.

He could have chosen a woman with big boobs. He didn't. It doesn't mean he doesn't like big boobs.

You don't get to control someone else's fantasy.

Your insecurities are the basis of your problem.

That depends.. Did he have women with large breasts showing an interest in him at the same time you were? Just sounds like settling to me because he can't get the busty girl in real life..

All men do not want young, slim big breasted women! Or there would not be small breasted women in loving relationship....or not blondes...or, or, or!!

What a man wants in a partner... in a mature relationship... is someone who loves them and trusts them and has enough self confidence to know that they are the chosen one.

I know I'm insecure. But I haven't always been, and my views were the same when I was confident. I know I'm a minority to be against all that stuff, it doesn't mean I'm wrong. Just porn has been normalised and since this is a patriarch society, we're expected to either get over it or join in. I just don't want to.. I think men are more than just animals, and that women deserve better.