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Thread: "Fretting" vs. planning

  1. #1
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    "Fretting" vs. planning

    I am just really frustrated and need your fresh prospective on this problem.

    I am a planner. I like looking ahead, figuring things out, knowing what I have to do, and researching things in advance. It's actually enjoyable for me.

    My boyfriend hates planning. He likes being in the moment and making decisions on the fly.

    ANY TIME he catches me doing any sort of thinking ahead or planning activity, he immediate gets short and annoyed because I'm "fretting" or worrying about it. Stop thinking about it until it's a problem, he says. Issue being, I'm not doing that at all... example, we're moving in a few weeks and I was talking about what I was going to do about going to the gym since I'll have to switch locations. He just shuts the whole thing down and complains that I'm fretting. Um... no. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm going to do?

    When I say that to him he won't even have a dialogue about it. He just says something like "well that's what I consider that as" and won't let me get a word in and moves on. This just makes me feel like I can't talk about anything to him in case he thinks I'm FRETTING about it! ARGH!

    What can I say to make him get it?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member MisUnderstood9's Avatar
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    There isn't anything. You know what kind of person he is... he does everything last minute. He doesn't plan anything, he isnt a worrier, he deals with things when it happens -- which in my opinion is stupid.

    Planning for things is better then just dealing with them when it happens. It's actually dangerous that way... think about it really? Think about the two of yours futures. Say you get engaged, is he going to wait last minute to plan the wedding -- probably... what about when you have kids -- is he going to wait last minute to buy the things you need like the car seat, the crib, etc etc -- probably...

    You two are opposites and sometimes opposites work but sometimes they dont. He sounds like he thinks his way is the best way which in reality it isnt. However, little things like changing gyms I would hold off on as well until after the move and im settled. Bigger things that require planning I can see for the fretting and wanting to plan and get certain things done... Maybe choose which things you are planning or getting prepared for that are little issues and what are the bigger ones when bringing them up to discuss... But, if you want to make him get it, next time he says you are "fretting" I would tell him that's his opinion, he has his way of doing things and you have your way that you do things.. he might see it as fretting, where you see it as being prepared.

  3. #3
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    Do you simply plan or are you an overplanner? If you are going on a trip, I can see where your strategy would work. But if you are going to meet friends at a bar, you don't have to call the bar and make sure they are open after 10:00 pm, find out the entire menu, etc.

    Honestly, I think switching your gym is the least of your worries when you are moving. The move will not have the breaks put on it if you don't switch your gym. Getting the movers to the right house or apartment, making sure you have really checked and emptied every drawer are important, as well as turning in your keys. And once you are in your place, you figure out where your new coffee place is, etc through spontaneous discovery.

    I think that you should ask yourself what items are TRULY critical that would prevent the task from happening and what items are just things you want to have rested in your mind for YOUR sake and need to recapitulate them. I think if they are not critical, that maybe you should handle them on your own when he is not there, or just go ahead and DO and not talk about it so much. For example, ordering your plane tickets on time so you can go to an out of town wedding is worth talking about, but worrying about how you will fill every hour while gone or if you should pack sandals or Ugg boots because you can't predict the weather are maybe things you should decide but not use him as a sounding board on. Just make your own decisions on that - even if you need to talk to a girlfriend or look up restaurants and attractions in the wedding town on your phone or computer ahead of time and when you are there and you find you have a free evening, suggest one of those things (not saying you are going out of town, but as an example). Maybe that will give you what you need - to plan every detail without seeming like you are fretting to him.

  4. #4
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    ut, if you want to make him get it, next time he says you are "fretting" I would tell him that's his opinion, he has his way of doing things and you have your way that you do things.. he might see it as fretting, where you see it as being prepared.

    Instead of making it a "you" vs "me" - why not say "it helps me feel more secure or less out of control if I have thought of everything/plan a lot of details. I don't feel comfortable when everything is up in the air and I am trying to figure out how to plan so I feel comfortable but leave somethings open for 'making it up as we go along'"

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  6. #5
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    With decisions that only affect you, I would suggest not sharing your thoughts with him because he has nothing useful to contribute. With decisions that affect both of you, how do things work? Something like moving takes a lot of planning. Not sure how his view works with things like that. I personally find not planning and deciding at the last minute to be very stressful and whenever I procrastinate it does not end well, so I can't relate to his way of conducting his life.

  7. #6
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    My boyfriend is more of a planner than I am. I plan for things at work and big things, but would rather not plan for every little thing. ( we ll stop at a store on the way to the lake. - which store? Where? Left or right side of the road). Just any store is fine lol. Just an example. But I plan major things, but it worry about the little stuff afterwards.


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