Career moms staying home

This is a difficult situation - you have children and your husband isn't supportive of you staying home with them, even when they are small.

One one hand, shouldn't the woman have the freedom to choose, at least to some extent? After all, she is the one who will have to answer to her children for her choices.

On the other hand, the husband should have a say in this as well.

Yes, you could say that this is something they should have discussed prior to having children. But I look around and I see SO many career women who never thought they would take time off, but once the baby came, they quit their jobs. It all changed for them. They couldn't leave their child "to be raised by a stranger". So I guess peple change as well, and they change their minds about things. There's got to be some room for that.

In my husband's family, women never stay home or take time off. They have PhDs and own their own companies or law practises, etc. His family has very high expectations of my career, which I've always liked. But my family is the opposite. I was raised by a stay at home mom, my sister stays home with her kids... That's what is normal to me. I wouldn't want to stop having a career altogether, but my husband and his family are just so strongly opposed to the idea of me making any choice that would sacrifice or set back my career to any extent.

I kind of feel robbed of the freedom to make the choice for myself. I'm not even sure what my choice would be. I would just like to have that choice.

On the other hand, if my husband doesn't see any value in a woman staying home, I would probably feel resentful that I'm making sacrifices for the family and working so hard at unpaid work that doesn't get appreciated. So it's a lose-lose either way.

What has prompted this?

I thought you ADORED your career, and just accepted a new postion with a new company?

And, you have your MIL as the "stay at home mom" ---- which is also confusing, because she IS in fact, staying home. Did she ever have a career?

What prompted this, I guess, is the fact that two of my friends recently quit their jobs to stay home with their babies. And these are women with engineering degrees, MBAs, senior positions, making good money... Women who were always super focused on their careers and not the kind of women who dream of being wives and moms.

When my stay at home mom friends talk about how being a mom is the "toughest job in the world but the most important" and "my mom was a stay at home mom and I LOVED it" and "I just couldn't let a stranger raise my kid", etc. it doesn't normally bother me. I tell myself we're just built differently and that's ok. But when women who are just like me make that choice... It hits home.

My MIL is retired. She owned her own company. When my husband was a baby, he didn't even live with her because she was focused on her career and he lived in a different city with a nanny!

And yes, I adore my career. But I also feel really crappy when my daughter says "mommy no go work" in the mornings.

Your daughter probably also says things like "mommy, I no eat vegetables" or..."mommy I no want go bed". But you do it, right?

So the next time your daughter says mommy no go... Think to yourself: Mommy is going so baby can choose any college she wants someday.

Those of us who had stay at home moms' do not know a different world.

And in your case, it isn't a stranger raising your kids, it is nana....which is a HUGE difference.

"mommy no go to work"...is the desire of a child to have their own way. You could stay home, and in 30 minutes she is totally absorbed in her own game and

paying you no attention.

Much like the wailing child who screams "no, please take me home" on the first day of kindergarden. And inside of two weeks, they are bolting from the

car to go in and play with their friends.

These women you speak of most likely did dream of being wives and mothers --- and they are. And just because you have advanced degrees and senior postions--

depending on the number of kids...at some point it becomes a cost benefit analysis of cost/logistics to keep working and to have a connection with your kids.

My cousin was a dean of a prep school. However, she quit a few years ago to start a home based business because her children were early teens, and the

amount of driving for school sports, the advent of puberty --- were things that needed her attention.

You are saved from all of that with a live in relative.

And, unfortunately --- since your husbands' family culture denies you the choice anyway ---- I would be try and reframe that at the present, your income

is necessary for saving money for college educations, etc.

How many kids do you have?

In my humble opinion his family has nothing to do with it. This is between you and your husband, no one else.

Personally as a career woman and now on leave I think it is something that both parents should express their opinions about. If the husband is able to provide for the family while the mother is on leave or quits her job; then that's something they as a couple discuss extensively, and see if it is in their best interest financially and otherwise. If he cannot support the family on just his salary then she probably has to work. I do believe that no parent should be forced in any role whether that be the role of a working parent or a stay at home parent. It's important to (try at least) find a happy medium with which both the husband and wife are happy.

I really think that it's a situation that needs to be dealt with as a team, both have to decide what is in the best interest for the whole family.

My husband would be fine with my staying at home with our child, but I've never wanted to be a stay at home mother - as much as I DO love spending this time with my baby girl. I would be fine with him taking some time off if he wanted to be a stay at home parent, but he is in a position where he doesn't want to quit his job because he still wants to go places.

100% in agreement with petite here. This is a joint decision between you and your husband. It should be a partnership decision and not one person or the other dictating terms. What other family members and friends think is irrelevant. They aren't the parents and they are not in the marriage. So those in the peanut gallery should keep quiet and the parents should decide between themselves what works for their family.

I don't think you ever really know all that well what people really feel and think just by looking at their careers. Going to college, chasing a career and getting married only later is what's en vogue right now. It doesn't necessarily mean that all those women are truly career oriented and see that career as their life goal and passion.

His family factors in because his parents live with us. They have left their country and given up their lives there to come and support me being a career mom. If I were to quit my job, it wouldn't make sense for them to stay here. But their home country isn't safe either and they are much more comfortable here. So my working benefits them as well.

I have two children and we could survive on just my husband's income, but we wouldn't be able to save as much money for our children's future. It's important to us that they go to good schools and have successful careers.

That's probably my main motivating factor for working. I have two daughters and I want them to see that you can have a career and still be a mom, and be successful at both.

I agree that it should be a joint/partnership decision but when you're so far apart in terms of your perspective and how you're approaching it... And it's more of a ideological disagreement. It's not about the finances or logistics. At the end of the day, he doesn't respect stay at home mothers. He really, really looks down on them. That's how he was raised.

His family factors in because his parents live with us. They have left their country and given up their lives there to come and support me being a career mom. If I were to quit my job, it wouldn't make sense for them to stay here. But their home country isn't safe either and they are much more comfortable here. So my working benefits them as well.

 

I have two children and we could survive on just my husband's income, but we wouldn't be able to save as much money for our children's future. It's important to us that they go to good schools and have successful careers.

 

That's probably my main motivating factor for working. I have two daughters and I want them to see that you can have a career and still be a mom, and be successful at both.

Oh, wow. So you say you want to have a "choice"... But when you asked or allowed them to sell their home and move accross and ocean to support your career...you did make your choice.

I agree that it should be a joint/partnership decision but when you're so far apart in terms of your perspective and how you're approaching it... And it's more of a ideological disagreement. It's not about the finances or logistics. At the end of the day, he doesn't respect stay at home mothers. He really, really looks down on them. That's how he was raised.

It is both an ideological and practical perspective.

And since you don't agree --- his perspective prevails?

Isn't there room for compromise?

I thought it was just his mother that lived with you guys, since you never mention the father in-law and have mentioned the mother and your husband speaking in their native tongue? Either way I still think it has nothing to do with them, they are not in your marriage and they are not the parents of your children. They've raised their child. It was their choice to come there and clearly they are more comfortable with you so it isn't like they are at a loss.

If you WANT to be a stay at home mother, and if he doesn't support that then seek marital counseling and discuss this with a professional. It isn't fair that he gets to decide for the whole family.

Perhaps it's time for them to find a place of their own?

I really do not understand the term "career woman" these days unless there are now "career men" but that's redundant I suppose. So, framing it that way changes the way the decision is analyzed.

I feel very sorry for your husband's view of mothers who choose to be full-time moms (I don't stay in one place for long and I don't stay at home with my child much either -we're out and about much of the time if at all possible) and sorry he's using the excuse of "that's how I was raised". He's an adult and of course he expects his children to be responsible and accountable for their choices and not trot out the "but that's how everyone else does it" or "I can't help it".

We discussed this in advance and it was very short because we were on the same exact wavelength and still are. I do see some minor clashing in my future when I return to being employed because it will be hard to transition away from me doing 95% of the housework.

I could list all the reasons why I chose to leave my almost 15 year career to raise my child while he is young but I don't think any of that will help you communicate with your husband unless he can get over the first hurdle of admitting that he is an adult, he is not simply a robotic product of how he was raised and unless he can be more openminded to what it means to be a full-time mom to you (because I am sure that you don't intend to use it as an excuse to be lazy). Do you think you can get to that point?

It is both an ideological and practical perspective.

 

And since you don't agree --- his perspective prevails?

Isn't there room for compromise?

I guess another reason his perspective has prevailed so far is that I always had the stable income. When we had our first 7 years ago, my income was the only income. So it wasn't even a discussion we thought of having. And now, due to the success of my own career, it's become nearly as difficult to discuss.

I thought it was just his mother that lived with you guys, since you never mention the father in-law and have mentioned the mother and your husband speaking in their native tongue? Either way I still think it has nothing to do with them, they are not in your marriage and they are not the parents of your children. They've raised their child. It was their choice to come there and clearly they are more comfortable with you so it isn't like they are at a loss.

 

If you WANT to be a stay at home mother, and if he doesn't support that then seek marital counseling and discuss this with a professional. It isn't fair that he gets to decide for the whole family.

 

Perhaps it's time for them to find a place of their own?

No, I love having them around. You're right - he splits his time between here and there. She just prefers it here. But I really, really appreciate having their help in raising the kids properly. I wouldn't give up having them around for anything in the world. They're incredible.

I really do not understand the term "career woman" these days unless there are now "career men" but that's redundant I suppose. So, framing it that way changes the way the decision is analyzed.

 

I feel very sorry for your husband's view of mothers who choose to be full-time moms (I don't stay in one place for long and I don't stay at home with my child much either -we're out and about much of the time if at all possible) and sorry he's using the excuse of "that's how I was raised". He's an adult and of course he expects his children to be responsible and accountable for their choices and not trot out the "but that's how everyone else does it" or "I can't help it".

 

We discussed this in advance and it was very short because we were on the same exact wavelength and still are. I do see some minor clashing in my future when I return to being employed because it will be hard to transition away from me doing 95% of the housework.

 

I could list all the reasons why I chose to leave my almost 15 year career to raise my child while he is young but I don't think any of that will help you communicate with your husband unless he can get over the first hurdle of admitting that he is an adult, he is not simply a robotic product of how he was raised and unless he can be more openminded to what it means to be a full-time mom to you (because I am sure that you don't intend to use it as an excuse to be lazy). Do you think you can get to that point?

He doesn't think that SAHM mothers are lazy. He knows they work hard. But he just feels, very strongly, that everyone in the family should have their own thing going on. He feels that in our society, we worship our children and put them on a pedestal and he feels that no mother or father should have to give up their life to a child's. In his country, women just don't stay home with the kids. Even traditionally, they didn't. It's a very weird, foreign, alien concept to him.

Well -- he is working now and has a fine career. It is time to revisit the concept.

Just because the concept is foreign to him, as was the culture here when he first got here.

He seems quite inflexible --- but I think I remember from a different thread of yours that you have trouble "using your voice at home", and yet are very

competent in voicing your opinion/ideas at work.

Would he consider counseling?

If they are so incredible and if everything is so great, then why aren't they supporting what you'd like to do? You're able to change your mind, and go from wanting to work to wanting to stay at home and raise your girls. It almost seems like they enjoy your paycheck a bit too much, if they are all so against a woman being a stay at home mother. How old is your mother in-law? If she's so career focused she can perhaps go back to work? Quite a lot of career focused people work well into their late 60's and 70's if their health is good.

Since your father in-law goes back and forth your mother can too, she isn't glued to staying with you guys. She decided to come there because it is better for her in your country. I doubt any career focused woman that's always loved working and so against being a stay at home mother would just up and leave what she does to look after grandchildren.

It seems like she benefits quite a lot by living with you guys. She has the comfort of not working, living in a safe country, her son isn't working so she has time to spend with him, and the daughter -in law isn't around all day. Even when you are home they speak in their native tongue. Of course she would prefer you work...she gets to run the show.

My husband is working full time. He was laid off when his entire group was let go last year. But he's now back.

My MIL actually does work. Not only does she take care of my two children and do all the cooking, which is a huge job itself for an older woman. But she also runs a home daycare out of our home to make some extra money and help contribute to the family. She is very hard working.

Pardon me, I didn't know he got a job. Congratulations!

Great! Then you can be a stay at home mom (maybe find a job which you can work part-time) and still enjoy spending time with your girls. Mother in-law clearly has other little kids she can look after and you can enjoy the extra time with your girls doing what the three of you like.

I think part-time would be ideal for me personally, but my career is such that working part-time would be difficult. PErhaps that's the same with your line of work? Although it's definitely something I will continue to think about.

Somewhat relevant ]

 

I saw that floating around on the Internet and I was baffled. First of all, why are they wasting these people's time? I would have been extremely annoyed if I was interviewed by them. Also, it's from a greeting card company. I don't need validation from a greeting card company that's trying to guilt my husband/kids into wasting their money on overpriced greeting cards.

Pardon me, I didn't know he got a job. Congratulations!

 

Great! Then you can be a stay at home mom (maybe find a job which you can work part-time) and still enjoy spending time with your girls. Mother in-law clearly has other little kids she can look after and you can enjoy the extra time with your girls doing what the three of you like.

I think part-time would be ideal for me personally, but my career is such that working part-time would be difficult. PErhaps that's the same with your line of work? Although it's definitely something I will continue to think about.

I could do consulting on a part time basis.

I just think it's sucks that it's always about the mom staying home. Beteen me and my fiance, we have talked about how it would make more sense for him to stay home with the kids.

Well ---- there you go ----- we have a WIN/WIN !!!!!

That is what my sis and BIL do --they travel part of the time and while coordinating and matching each others' schedules can be daunting, there

is always someone home with my nephew.

And you don't have to worry about that --- because MIL lives with you and can serve as back up!!

Would that make you happy? Would being a full-time stay at home mother make you happier? If the latter would make you feel more fulfilled and happier then go about trying to have that. If finances end up being an issue you can take up part-time work.

Work toward making yourself happy not just doing what your husband expects. I really think counseling could be of help because it seems like you're not getting supported at all by him. A happy medium can be found, but he too has to want to help you be happier.

I just think it's sucks that it's always about the mom staying home. Beteen me and my fiance, we have talked about how it would make more sense for him to stay home with the kids.

If it works for you, fine.

And had I ever married and had kids, undoubtedly my salary would have been the preferred income (and the fact that I am not very maternal).

But for most men and women --- infant care falls to the mother. I have seen fathers be very participative, but because of the maternal bond, many infants bond

first with mother.