Boyfriend earns much more. Comes across as stuck up and snobby

I've been dating a guy for about 2 months now. Everything is great. We click really, really well. We are both very well educated. His field happens to pay much more than mine (finance v. education). He makes about 40% more than I do. I also have alot more debt than he does, as his parents help him and mine do not help me. He knows my situation and it doesn't bother him; but for some reason it bothers me.

Sometimes when we talk or have casual conversation he comes accross as very demeaning towards people who are poor or uneducated. It really rubs me the wrong way. It is obviously way to early to meet families, however now I am worried because his family is really wealthy and mine is really poor.

I know that this should not be an issue, but money is the #1 reason relationships fail. Everything is going great. My concern is that we get very deep and then this becomes an issue. I'm not sure if I should just ignore my feelings and see what happens or address them and possibly make him really uncomfortable. I mean it's my issue and not his, correct?

Dating is about getting to know someone and seeing if you are compatible with them. If he's demeaning toards the poor, that's who he is. I pesonally wouldn't want to date someone like that.

Nothing to do with his income or background -just has to do with his values. He happens to have different values about how to treat people than you do and it is reflected in his views about people who have less money than he does. I wouldn't have a problem with him having opinions about individual people who might be poor because they've made bad or illegal choices but if he is generalizing about "all" poor people or "all" people who are wealthy I would have a problem with that. Once again though I wouldn't point to his background or salary as why he has these values. I know people who are wealthy and very generous and people who are poor and narrow-minded.

I think it bothers you because he looks down on people who are poor and because you and your family have less money than him, you worry that he'll look down on you too.

I think you're just seeing him for who he really is.

Two months is not that big of an investment, you're still learning about one another--and no, you should not ignore your gut on this feeling.

People show us who they are. Don't close your eyes.

I think he's showing his true character and if it bothers you, you need to trust your gut instinct. Thankfully you have only been together a very short time - don't ignore the red flags.

I'll do a quick follow up:

Batya is correct. I guess he doesn't generalize as a whole. He seems to have an issue with people who he says "chooses to be poor". We definitely have different values. I'm a compassionate liberal and he is a corporate conservative. We have already discussed our political differences and that is not really an issue....anymore.

Again, he knows I don't make much and he doesn't seem to mind it. I am just concerned about ending a relationship that is otherwise really good based upon my own insecurities.

I am more of the "conservative" and I was in a LTR in the past with someone a lot like yourself who was very trusting, non-judgmental, etc. We bumped heads when it came to talking about certain things. He'd take more of the "Well that person was just going through a hard time" when I was definitely more judgmental. Our relationship ended for other reasons, but it was a ly spot for us.

I don't think I'd dump someone for having opposite views than me but if it really bothers you, then I'd say it's early enough to split.

He seems to have an issue with people who he says "chooses to be poor".

For a man who is supposedly very well educated, he seems to have missed the boat on that one, as I cannot for the life of me imagine anyone on this planet "choosing to be poor". Seriously? Clearly he has no idea what it feels like not to have money and to struggle on a daily basis. If he did, he wouldn't make such ignorant statements.

Secondly, the fact that you say you two definitely have different values ...... maybe it's time to re-think this relationship.

Arrogance is a really bad character flaw. I would run away. Personally for myself I could never be with somebody who is arrogant. It is only by accident of birth he wasn't born in poorest Africa and he should remember that.

Why not talk to him about it to understand his feelings and point of view as well as explain yours? You haven't been dating very long so you don't know each other that well yet, but dating is a time to get to know one another... so talk about it. Worst thing that happens is he confirms your suspicions then you have a clear answer.

I agree with Icecreamaddict. If he feels judgmental about people who are able to work and refuse to work, instead committing crimes then sure I think you would agree that that person is making bad choices. If he believes that the majority of people who are poor have chosen to be poor that's a different issue entirely. Different political views don't have to be a problem and he may feel if you ask him that it's more compassionate to require certain people to be more self-reliant and you might discover that he doesn't think your views are so "compassionate" or that his are so "corporate" (whatever that means). It sounds like you're resorting to labeling/generalizing too in a way just because he happens to make more money than you and has chosen a career with a higher salary range than you.

I'll do a quick follow up:

 

Batya is correct. I guess he doesn't generalize as a whole. He seems to have an issue with people who he says "chooses to be poor". We definitely have different values. I'm a compassionate liberal and he is a corporate conservative. We have already discussed our political differences and that is not really an issue....anymore.

 

Again, he knows I don't make much and he doesn't seem to mind it. I am just concerned about ending a relationship that is otherwise really good based upon my own insecurities.

This is not an issue of insecurity. I think you are more afraid of being alone than being single and searching for someone ith similar values. The more you write, the more incompatible you to seem. It's not hard to have fun in 2 months. The values difference will be a dealbreaker sooner or later.

Money is not the #1 reason why relationships fail. TBH, only people who have no money say that. And I don't mean to sting you with that. People's interpretation of things are affected by your socioeconomic upbringing. Look at how he treats others. How does he treat wait staff? How he treats them is how he will treat you. Does he ever make you feel bad for not having as much money as he?

Growing up wealthy, I was only raised with making generalizations up the wazoo, but my family is the first to volunteer, donate, help others, give our time, loan money, give money, give job opportunities. In fact, my family has sponsored over 30 families coming into our country, who were dirt poor.

Okay - I already know I'm gonna get TONS of FLACK for this, either way, I can totally relate to the OP's guy:

Choosing to be poor - honestly, my MIL does. She refuses to do a job she's hired to do, then acts like a huge jerk to companies, is let go, and spends all her money on crap, and three storage units she has never once been to to keep garbage in. But she doesn't speak for others. There a lot of people who do choose to not be a part of society, may live on streets, run away from home, quit school, only get a part-time job, or collect unemployment because they rather not work. In fact, my tax dollars are going to her 2 bedroom apartment, fully paid for, including all her food. And I know people who are scamming the system, one employee is in the process of trying to blame her vertigo on us, and a hand injury, yet is trying to dodge us, so she can get disability, which looks like is not working out in her favor at all. And another person who collects disability because he has "anger issues."

I work 70 hours a week, and look at the bigger picture for my kid's future. And many others may not. They think that by working their 40 hours per week that that's gonna make them rich. It's not. It's diversifying what you do with your time and money, taking risks, and sometimes that means working your butt off!

Money is a huge stressor in relationships but not for the reasons why you think it is. It's not about having money or not having money. It's different money-handling habits. And yes, it's the top factor alongside infidelity as to why people divorce. Some people are spenders, and some are savers. People have different priorities and different ideas on how to obtain, manage, save, and spend it.

Also, many people make the mistake of associating money with love. As in "if he spends money on me, he loves me!" or "The more he buys me, the more he loves me!!". Not so.

For a man who is supposedly very well educated, he seems to have missed the boat on that one, as I cannot for the life of me imagine anyone on this planet "choosing to be poor". Seriously? Clearly he has no idea what it feels like not to have money and to struggle on a daily basis. If he did, he wouldn't make such ignorant statements.

 

Secondly, the fact that you say you two definitely have different values ...... maybe it's time to re-think this relationship.

Yeah, most people don't choose to be poor. There are a lot of people who don't care if they're rich, but I'm sure almost everyone would choose to live above the poverty line if they could. There was a friend of a friend who lived in my university town who said she chose to be poor, but she still wasn't that poor, because she had a place to live, clothes to wear, food to eat, etc. and didn't rely on social assistance, to my knowledge. I don't remember her job but I know it was very low-paying, although according to the friend who always talked about her, she loved the job.

I actually think it is an issue to look at. You two probably have different values, or make choices based on different values. Examples being your chosen career paths. Did you choose this career based on your earning potential or on other values? What about him, did he choose a career in finance for it's social implications or it's earning potential, or some other reason? His family is really wealthy, yours is really poor...and these may or may not reflect choices made by them and their families along the way, with those patterns and values being passed on to each of you. While I don't think you are automatically incompatible, you may have conscious and unconscious assumptions about money, power, choices, etc. It's worth discussing in a non-confrontational way, out of curiosity. You'll both gain in self-knowledge as well as understanding of each other, and find out how open you are to each other's view and experience.

It's a real battlecry of the priviledged to assume most who are poor choose to be so. There are always going to be scammers and cheats - both on the rich and the poor side of the spectrum.

A lot of people would, of course, love to be rich. But what they are looking for is more of a middle class life. In the US, income disparity is rising and the ages having risen to track with cost of living increases since the 1970s. The answer is often "well, you aren't working hard enough." Some people like working 70 hours a week. But one shouln't have to do that to make ends meet. Rather, we should grow a more cooperative economy that recognizes that a strong middle class is the basis of any consumer-based economic model.

I think before anyone espouses 'the poor don't want to work' they should atch "Inequality for all" and then come back for a conversation. Until then, it's just priviledge not realizing that its priviledge talking. (Yes, you can be hard working and priviledged.)

There's a difference between having certain political beliefs versus behaving like a snot. If he's being a snot with you--EVER--that's all you really need to know.

Only 2 months into a relationship has most people still on their best behavior. If he's got a mean streak poking through, that won't get better with time, it will get worse.

You get to pick how long you want to stick around and observe, but the fact that you're already interpreting early mistreatment as 'your own insecurities' is telling.