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Thread: "Are you sure you're not settling?" Help please.

  1. #1
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    "Are you sure you're not settling?" Help please.

    Hi all, I just wanted to gain some insight into a question a good friend posed to me.

    I have been with my boyfriend for two years now (on 4/13) and I love the guy to death. He is my first *serious* "in love" relationship. I am 25 and he is 26. We have been through everything - long distance, stress due to my anxiety, trials & tribulations…and come out on top. For the past six or eight months, as I have overcome my issues, which I own were mine and mine alone, we are stronger and more in love than ever. For insight, I moved home (cross country) having come to terms my dreams of being in entertainment were no longer burning my fire and were not a career possibility. I took most of my stress out on him in the form of unwarranted jealousy and anxiety, as he was the person I spent nearly every day with. He never gave me a reason to act this way and was never sneaky or odd. Though I was a tough cookie, he stuck with me because he loved me. In the beginning, he had pursued me. We attended the same HS but never knew each other as he was a year ahead - he remembered my face and it took him 5 months to muster the courage to message me. The first night we talked lasted four hours. I've never glanced at anyone else since.

    Now, my boyfriend recently left to train for the army, which has been his dream since he was eight. I support him 200% and am so proud of who he has become. I learned a lot about myself in the last year. We have grown as a couple leaps and bounds, but I guess that is redundant. He is all about me, and I am all about him (though we do have successful, meaningful lives separate from each other). I mean, I am head over heels for him. He is strong, caring, resilient, dedicated, smart, and of course I am super attracted to him lol. We have talked seriously about marriage/an engagement, children, our future, and it has always made me beam with pride at the idea of being with this steadfast man for life.

    Now, though my family and friends really like him a lot -- I mean, my dad was a strict Colonol-military type and he has grown to really like him a lot, and my mom cried when he left along with me -- I recently saw my best friend and we had a chat. She moved to another state in the last year so we rarely catch up.Now, I know she meant this in a very caring, loving way, but she asked me at some point, "do you feel like you'd be missing out if you married him?"

    This kind of caught me off guard. I have never once questioned that, really, until she said it. As I said, he is my first serious, down to the core, real relationship. Sure, I have had flings here and there and hookups, but he is the first guy I feel like I am really myself with, at home. He is my best friend, lover, he makes me laugh like crazy…

    I have lived all over the country, world even. Boston, LA, DC, Minnesota, Germany…I've had my fair share of learning people and different personality types. Though I may not have had any long-term, serious relationships before him, I feel like I know enough of the human race to determine when someone is a fit for me.

    I feel like my friends, and to some extent my mom (who herself married at 37) think I "have" to have gone through a number of serious relationships until I find the "one." My mom is supportive, she loves the guy too, but she said in a candid conversation, "I know it's different for everyone, but yeah I guess I figured you'd have a few more relationships before you decided you'd be 'engaged' serious."

    This is getting in my head. I hate that I am second-guessing because of other people. yes they are close to me and I value their opinion but with this guy, I feel right. We have worked so hard and so diligently, but have also created some of the most incredible, loving, happy memories I have ever had or could wish to have. I am certain they'd support me if I got engaged tomorrow, but I guess my question is, do we HAVE to have a myriad of serious relationships before marrying? Is it possible to find "the one" even though they're the first significant love?

    I know my heart tells me, stop second guessing. I second guess and am insecure about other's thoughts or opinions. In no way am I wishing to rush into anything but I feel like this man and I have a solid foundation and it would be foolish of me to throw away a perfectly amazing love & relationship just to 'see what is out there.' How could I do that? I could never forgive myself. I haven't had much luck until he came along…why sacrifice it for societal 'expectations?'

    Any thoughts? Am I foolish? I couldn't bear to leave him, really…he is my world and I his. I just don't want to feel like an idiot down the line. I am willing, ready, and excited to spend my life traveling and learning with this man. Why does this question come up for so many people?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    It's ok for people that care about you to ask. If you know yourself and your relationship, you'd just brush it off.

    I wonder if it worries you because your relationshipis not as solid yet as you keep repeating.

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    No, it's pretty dang solid. I guess I am just asking if we are required to have gone through a laundry list of relationships before finding the one. Is it possible, in essence, to end up with the first guy you fell head over heels for. As I said, he is my first "real" relationship. I don't know any better about have 5, 10 other serious things. But the way I feel, truly, he is my soul mate. I guess I was just asking if that was "acceptable" (which, in itself, is an insecure question…as I have said I am insecure at times.). In addition, I have kind of psyched myself out reading about young military wives who end up separating (mostly 17-18 year olds who rush into things) and I kind of read into that too much. I am not rushing this but he really feels like "my man," I keep picturing our babies and being a family unit in the future. He'd make an exceptional father.

    Maybe it says something that I felt a little defensive reading that you wrote "maybe your relationship isn't as solid as you think." I think I know it in my heart, and I just care too much about outside opinions or societal 'norms.' I have a friend who married her high school sweetheart last year and they'd been together for ten years since age 15. So I guess I know it's possible?
    Last edited by mmnyc5052; 04-11-2014 at 01:13 AM.

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    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    No one can answer that for you. Every relationship is different and every person has different needs before they settle down. Only you can make that decision.

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    I guess that's true. Perhaps I was looking for a more 'generalized' answer. Do people ever end up with their first loves successfully? Have any of YOU ended up with your first true loves or anyone you know? Should have been my question.

    I've no doubt my love and dedication to this guy. No one can answer my own personal relationship questions because no one knows it, I understand that. That's true for anyone on ENA. In a general sense, does it or can it work when one marries their first genuine relationship or am I destined for failure?

    Hope that whittles it down a bit.

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    PS- Ms Darcy, you answered my question in another response to another post: "My fiancé never had a girlfriend before me." That's kind of what I was asking here. He is clearly in a successful relationship without having a string of others before being engaged. I see it can happen.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I married the first person I was serious with and in fact my first boyfriend. Also a military man. We are still going strong years and years later.

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    Thank you, Victoria66. I am very happy for you for the strength and endurance of your relationship. Glad to know I should not psych myself out because of other's wonderments and questions.

  10. #9
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    We will have been married 20 years on April 30. Together a total of almost 26 years. It can work.

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    Platinum Member poetryandlyrics's Avatar
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    I have a friend who married her first boyfriend. Boyfriend throughout high school and college. I even went to their wedding! Far as I know, they're happy, with a kid and all. My friend's husband has like two older brothers who all did the same -- married their first girlfriends. Only in the long run, you can ever know, but it can happen.

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