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"Are you sure you're not settling?" Help please.


mmnyc5052

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Hi all, I just wanted to gain some insight into a question a good friend posed to me.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for two years now (on 4/13) and I love the guy to death. He is my first *serious* "in love" relationship. I am 25 and he is 26. We have been through everything - long distance, stress due to my anxiety, trials & tribulations…and come out on top. For the past six or eight months, as I have overcome my issues, which I own were mine and mine alone, we are stronger and more in love than ever. For insight, I moved home (cross country) having come to terms my dreams of being in entertainment were no longer burning my fire and were not a career possibility. I took most of my stress out on him in the form of unwarranted jealousy and anxiety, as he was the person I spent nearly every day with. He never gave me a reason to act this way and was never sneaky or odd. Though I was a tough cookie, he stuck with me because he loved me. In the beginning, he had pursued me. We attended the same HS but never knew each other as he was a year ahead - he remembered my face and it took him 5 months to muster the courage to message me. The first night we talked lasted four hours. I've never glanced at anyone else since.

 

Now, my boyfriend recently left to train for the army, which has been his dream since he was eight. I support him 200% and am so proud of who he has become. I learned a lot about myself in the last year. We have grown as a couple leaps and bounds, but I guess that is redundant. He is all about me, and I am all about him (though we do have successful, meaningful lives separate from each other). I mean, I am head over heels for him. He is strong, caring, resilient, dedicated, smart, and of course I am super attracted to him lol. We have talked seriously about marriage/an engagement, children, our future, and it has always made me beam with pride at the idea of being with this steadfast man for life.

 

Now, though my family and friends really like him a lot -- I mean, my dad was a strict Colonol-military type and he has grown to really like him a lot, and my mom cried when he left along with me -- I recently saw my best friend and we had a chat. She moved to another state in the last year so we rarely catch up.Now, I know she meant this in a very caring, loving way, but she asked me at some point, "do you feel like you'd be missing out if you married him?"

 

This kind of caught me off guard. I have never once questioned that, really, until she said it. As I said, he is my first serious, down to the core, real relationship. Sure, I have had flings here and there and hookups, but he is the first guy I feel like I am really myself with, at home. He is my best friend, lover, he makes me laugh like crazy…

 

I have lived all over the country, world even. Boston, LA, DC, Minnesota, Germany…I've had my fair share of learning people and different personality types. Though I may not have had any long-term, serious relationships before him, I feel like I know enough of the human race to determine when someone is a fit for me.

 

I feel like my friends, and to some extent my mom (who herself married at 37) think I "have" to have gone through a number of serious relationships until I find the "one." My mom is supportive, she loves the guy too, but she said in a candid conversation, "I know it's different for everyone, but yeah I guess I figured you'd have a few more relationships before you decided you'd be 'engaged' serious."

 

This is getting in my head. I hate that I am second-guessing because of other people. yes they are close to me and I value their opinion but with this guy, I feel right. We have worked so hard and so diligently, but have also created some of the most incredible, loving, happy memories I have ever had or could wish to have. I am certain they'd support me if I got engaged tomorrow, but I guess my question is, do we HAVE to have a myriad of serious relationships before marrying? Is it possible to find "the one" even though they're the first significant love?

 

I know my heart tells me, stop second guessing. I second guess and am insecure about other's thoughts or opinions. In no way am I wishing to rush into anything but I feel like this man and I have a solid foundation and it would be foolish of me to throw away a perfectly amazing love & relationship just to 'see what is out there.' How could I do that? I could never forgive myself. I haven't had much luck until he came along…why sacrifice it for societal 'expectations?'

 

Any thoughts? Am I foolish? I couldn't bear to leave him, really…he is my world and I his. I just don't want to feel like an idiot down the line. I am willing, ready, and excited to spend my life traveling and learning with this man. Why does this question come up for so many people?

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No, it's pretty dang solid. I guess I am just asking if we are required to have gone through a laundry list of relationships before finding the one. Is it possible, in essence, to end up with the first guy you fell head over heels for. As I said, he is my first "real" relationship. I don't know any better about have 5, 10 other serious things. But the way I feel, truly, he is my soul mate. I guess I was just asking if that was "acceptable" (which, in itself, is an insecure question…as I have said I am insecure at times.). In addition, I have kind of psyched myself out reading about young military wives who end up separating (mostly 17-18 year olds who rush into things) and I kind of read into that too much. I am not rushing this but he really feels like "my man," I keep picturing our babies and being a family unit in the future. He'd make an exceptional father.

 

Maybe it says something that I felt a little defensive reading that you wrote "maybe your relationship isn't as solid as you think." I think I know it in my heart, and I just care too much about outside opinions or societal 'norms.' I have a friend who married her high school sweetheart last year and they'd been together for ten years since age 15. So I guess I know it's possible?

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I guess that's true. Perhaps I was looking for a more 'generalized' answer. Do people ever end up with their first loves successfully? Have any of YOU ended up with your first true loves or anyone you know? Should have been my question.

 

I've no doubt my love and dedication to this guy. No one can answer my own personal relationship questions because no one knows it, I understand that. That's true for anyone on ENA. In a general sense, does it or can it work when one marries their first genuine relationship or am I destined for failure?

 

Hope that whittles it down a bit.

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PS- Ms Darcy, you answered my question in another response to another post: "My fiancé never had a girlfriend before me." That's kind of what I was asking here. He is clearly in a successful relationship without having a string of others before being engaged. I see it can happen.

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I have a friend who married her first boyfriend. Boyfriend throughout high school and college. I even went to their wedding! Far as I know, they're happy, with a kid and all. My friend's husband has like two older brothers who all did the same -- married their first girlfriends. Only in the long run, you can ever know, but it can happen.

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No disrespect to V66., as she is a woman of extraordinary strength...but OP....just because one person on a forum gives her life experience does not mean it will happen for you.

 

Did you get engaged...or have you just talked about it?

Do you have to endure years of a LDR now that he is in training?

Are you willing to relocate multiple times due to his career?

What are YOUR life goals?

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PS- Ms Darcy, you answered my question in another response to another post: "My fiancé never had a girlfriend before me." That's kind of what I was asking here. He is clearly in a successful relationship without having a string of others before being engaged. I see it can happen.

 

That wasn't an anwser to your question. You are looking for validation for the answer you want and I think it's best not to give it. I personally would not marry without having several relationships. Every individual is different.

 

There are people who marry their first bf and years down the road regret it. None of us will be there in 20 years when life happens and you reflect on your decisions.

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mhowe, I get that. I am not naive to that fact. We are not yet engaged but have talked seriously about it. His contract is 3 years. I have lived a military life of moving around and I am not intimidated by that, in fact I welcome it as I see it as an extremely valuable experience. I don't mean this in a rude respect, but seeing the words "do you have to endure" piques my interest a bit. I don't see it as "having to ENDURE." I see it as a great opportunity, and while the road is not always easy, it tests strength and dedication and I am more than happy to ride the wave with this guy. In his MOS, when he is out as he chooses, he will be desirable to many three-letter agencies that are rewarding in many senses. And he will have been fulfilling his dream. In more ways than one, I see it as rewarding rather than cumbersome.

 

Yep. I went through the whole "I will not sacrifice my own dreams for his." Trust me, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I am at a point where I am focusing on myself and my own dreams while he is training and I am looking forward to a union of our two dreams.

 

V66 - I know that wasn't your answer to my question. I just read it a few minutes after you responded to mine. Clearly, it shows that while you would have many relationships and an array or experiences to choose from, your fiancé and life partner is different, even from you in that. Am I totally wrong there? It is possible, no?

 

Certainly a bit of doubtfulness here, spiced with some wonderful stories of success. Except reading all of these responses has made me feel even more sure about my question. I feel like no one can tell me what to do or what not to do, and what is acceptable to some is not to others. Perhaps I should have been less 'insecure' in reading into my friend's innocent proposition. It doesn't matter save for my own relationship. Funny how a simple question of wonderment can secure a feeling I already had of assuredness. Thank you all.

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I give you credit for being smart and mature enough to not need to smell every ace out there to know it's not worth the one you've got at home. No, you needn't have been with many people to get it right.

I would spend more though on other questions. Is HE okay with a gazillion girls becoming a no-go area for ever after the vows? Can you guys keep working through the rough patches and similar. These are questions you'll have better answers to as we don't know you guys.

I think the fact that marriages tend to fail is worth considering but I wouldn't freak out about it. So many people get married older, seem to have it going for them and suddenly after 20 years someone cheat or drinks them self insane.

In other words, there are no guarantees but if you two feel like you've got what it takes I wouldn't bail out just because some friend would be panicky about other men suddenly becoming a no go territory for ever.

Some people get the ball and chain association when first presented with the idea of marriage. Some see a loving bond and supportive team work.

It's not about your friend's opinion. If there are other reasons to doubt this decision then wait a while. But not because someone else would panic.

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I know of several people who married the first person they were serious with at ages ranging from 17-early 20s. It can work and I agree that it is your decision. Other than he being your first are there other concerns your close friend and family have about this person?

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I used "endure" on purpose. While I don't know women who have married into the military life, I know many adult children of such couples. And @75% of the kids have said that the constant moving every few years was difficult.

 

As you are aware of this facet of a possible union and want to go forward if given the opportunity is your choice.

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Thanks for all of your responses.

 

Batya - no, no concerns that have to actually do with HIM. He is a great guy. I am lucky to have found him.

 

The question is more regarding ME…she's been my best friend for a decade and I know she's gone through two 'breakups' / heartbreaks and maybe she is assigning her situations to me, or thinking I have to have that too to get where she is (living with her BF, they're basically married).

 

mhowe-- the moving around doesn't scare me. I've grown up with that. I am a military brat myself. I think it is exciting. Yes it is a sacrifice but if you love the person it's worth it.

 

Glad to know I don't have to go "smelling every ace" out there. How exhausting...

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Glad to know I don't have to go "smelling every ace" out there. How exhausting...

 

None of us can say you do or you don't. I know friends ho regret not dating more after 10/15 years of marriage. I can imagine you being one to say "well people told me I didn't need to." No. You have to know yourself.

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Ok. Well I am not *quite* sure how you can see me saying that from what I have written. Anyhow, I am now more content with my feelings on the matter and appreciate the responses.

 

I know for myself: I have no yearning or feeling of being 'jipped' from not being with someone else. As I stated I feel I have enough experience with the human race having met so many people at this point to be rather aware of who I click with. Everyone would be compared to this guy. People change so maybe years from now I will feel differently but as it stands, I want for nothing with my current relationship. I am happy as a clam Just wanted to get opinions.

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It's possible that your friend is threatened by the fact that you feel this relationship is so stable. She might be afraid that you are "growing away" from her, and changing as a person....and part of that will be true.

 

If you are the type of person who has lived in all kinds of places and never really "settled" down with anybody, then doing so must come as a shock to her (and seem like a real change in personality). She might question if it is really "you" that wants it or if you are just going along with society's expectations. She might also (as I suggested before) feel the friendship is threatened (and maybe not even realize it).

 

Also, I was the same kind of person you are in the sense that I never really had any solid relationships before I met my husband - the odd fling/FWB or hook-up, but nothing really relationshippy.

 

My husband was the first real solid relationship.I met him when I was 24 and I have not questioned a second of it. We were EXTREMELY LDR at first (he lived in Scotland and I live in Canada). We went through being apart for months at a time to me moving continents and eventually him immigrating to Canada. I moved to live with him after having only spent 20 days actually in his presence (the rest was online communication). People questioned the safety of it, the wisdom - told me I was being foolish, etc. We have known the whole time it was worth it and have been married for almost 5 years now.

 

If you believe you know too, then don't second guess yourself - no matter what anybody says.

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Thank you, TVnerdgirl. Reading your response I think you've hitting the nail on the head.

 

In the decade-plus time I have been best friends with her, she has never seen me in a serious relationship. I have seen her with two other serious guys but the one she is with now will be her husband. I think while she is used to seeing me move around here and there, me being so in love with this guy maybe throws her for a loop. Thinking back, when he and I literally first got together, she and I were on vacation and she said "I don't ever want to see you get hurt or feel heartbreak, I am so happy for you but I just want you to be ok."

 

Now, she of course had no reason to allude that my partner would hurt me or break my heart -- she I think just was very taken aback that I was now in a relationship for the first time ever. And now that we are two years in, and strong and talking seriously about the future, I think that 'wanting to protect' me kicked in again. I know she means well but she is an insanely emotional person and sees me as her sister. She really likes my BF; they've met a few times and she goes out of her way to tell him happy birthday or say hi etc., but I think she is just feeling the change I have gone through and she's realizing I've "grown up" in essence. Good point you made. Maybe that's why I came on here to question that. I know in my heart and soul I haven't and don't have doubts about the boyfriend himself or the future I want with him…I think it's just that coming from me best friend I was like "uhhh…what?" I mean, no one else has brought that 'what if' up to me so I think she's just being protective.

 

I am very happy for you and your husband. Marriage takes work and dedication but it is so worth it to be sharing a life with the person who is your best friend, confidant, and lover.

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