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Thread: "Are you sure you're not settling?" Help please.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    No disrespect to V66., as she is a woman of extraordinary strength...but OP....just because one person on a forum gives her life experience does not mean it will happen for you.

    Did you get engaged...or have you just talked about it?
    Do you have to endure years of a LDR now that he is in training?
    Are you willing to relocate multiple times due to his career?
    What are YOUR life goals?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mmnyc5052
    PS- Ms Darcy, you answered my question in another response to another post: "My fiancé never had a girlfriend before me." That's kind of what I was asking here. He is clearly in a successful relationship without having a string of others before being engaged. I see it can happen.
    That wasn't an anwser to your question. You are looking for validation for the answer you want and I think it's best not to give it. I personally would not marry without having several relationships. Every individual is different.

    There are people who marry their first bf and years down the road regret it. None of us will be there in 20 years when life happens and you reflect on your decisions.

  3. #13
    Silver Member uniqueme's Avatar
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    No one can see the future. If you're confident that you love him and there's no reason to doubt it then you should just trust yourself.

  4. #14
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    mhowe, I get that. I am not naive to that fact. We are not yet engaged but have talked seriously about it. His contract is 3 years. I have lived a military life of moving around and I am not intimidated by that, in fact I welcome it as I see it as an extremely valuable experience. I don't mean this in a rude respect, but seeing the words "do you have to endure" piques my interest a bit. I don't see it as "having to ENDURE." I see it as a great opportunity, and while the road is not always easy, it tests strength and dedication and I am more than happy to ride the wave with this guy. In his MOS, when he is out as he chooses, he will be desirable to many three-letter agencies that are rewarding in many senses. And he will have been fulfilling his dream. In more ways than one, I see it as rewarding rather than cumbersome.

    Yep. I went through the whole "I will not sacrifice my own dreams for his." Trust me, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I am at a point where I am focusing on myself and my own dreams while he is training and I am looking forward to a union of our two dreams.

    V66 - I know that wasn't your answer to my question. I just read it a few minutes after you responded to mine. Clearly, it shows that while you would have many relationships and an array or experiences to choose from, your fiancé and life partner is different, even from you in that. Am I totally wrong there? It is possible, no?

    Certainly a bit of doubtfulness here, spiced with some wonderful stories of success. Except reading all of these responses has made me feel even more sure about my question. I feel like no one can tell me what to do or what not to do, and what is acceptable to some is not to others. Perhaps I should have been less 'insecure' in reading into my friend's innocent proposition. It doesn't matter save for my own relationship. Funny how a simple question of wonderment can secure a feeling I already had of assuredness. Thank you all.
    Last edited by mmnyc5052; 04-11-2014 at 03:16 AM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    I give you credit for being smart and mature enough to not need to smell every ace out there to know it's not worth the one you've got at home. No, you needn't have been with many people to get it right.
    I would spend more though on other questions. Is HE okay with a gazillion girls becoming a no-go area for ever after the vows? Can you guys keep working through the rough patches and similar. These are questions you'll have better answers to as we don't know you guys.
    I think the fact that marriages tend to fail is worth considering but I wouldn't freak out about it. So many people get married older, seem to have it going for them and suddenly after 20 years someone cheat or drinks them self insane.
    In other words, there are no guarantees but if you two feel like you've got what it takes I wouldn't bail out just because some friend would be panicky about other men suddenly becoming a no go territory for ever.
    Some people get the ball and chain association when first presented with the idea of marriage. Some see a loving bond and supportive team work.
    It's not about your friend's opinion. If there are other reasons to doubt this decision then wait a while. But not because someone else would panic.

  7. #16
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Well ,I had no boyfriend before my husband due to earlier life circumstances. My husband only had one girlfriend for five months before me. We just both "knew" we were the right person for each other.

  8. #17
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    I know of several people who married the first person they were serious with at ages ranging from 17-early 20s. It can work and I agree that it is your decision. Other than he being your first are there other concerns your close friend and family have about this person?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    I used "endure" on purpose. While I don't know women who have married into the military life, I know many adult children of such couples. And @75% of the kids have said that the constant moving every few years was difficult.

    As you are aware of this facet of a possible union and want to go forward if given the opportunity is your choice.

  10. #19
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    Thanks for all of your responses.

    Batya - no, no concerns that have to actually do with HIM. He is a great guy. I am lucky to have found him.

    The question is more regarding ME…she's been my best friend for a decade and I know she's gone through two 'breakups' / heartbreaks and maybe she is assigning her situations to me, or thinking I have to have that too to get where she is (living with her BF, they're basically married).

    mhowe-- the moving around doesn't scare me. I've grown up with that. I am a military brat myself. I think it is exciting. Yes it is a sacrifice but if you love the person it's worth it.

    Glad to know I don't have to go "smelling every ace" out there. How exhausting...

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mmnyc5052
    Glad to know I don't have to go "smelling every ace" out there. How exhausting...
    None of us can say you do or you don't. I know friends ho regret not dating more after 10/15 years of marriage. I can imagine you being one to say "well people told me I didn't need to." No. You have to know yourself.

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