Can I get my heart back in it?

Background, For the last 6 years I have been in a monogamous relationship with a guy with whom I feel I have a very good mental connection. We like the same stuff, similar sense of humour, we have things to talk about, which is good I think..I think what I'm trying to say is there is a friendship and companionship there.

We've had our downs too, he is on the autistic spectrum(high functioning, but still, wired very differently to me) and he's an introvert where I'm an extravert. When the relationship was new and shiny we were more or less inseparable which worked perfectly for me, unsustainable for him though. This led to him taking time to be alone and I not understanding and feeling like he just didn't want to hang out with me, it took me years to understand it is a more general - needs time to self to re-energise and be ready for more social interaction. About two years ago, finally understanding this, I let him have his space. This did not work well for me and the relationship deteriorated. 8 months into the more space approach we hit a crunch point and had those awkward conversations where I clearly and articulately expressed that if we were to keep dating I Needed more physical affection from him and for our sex life to pick up. (Both of us have said to the other at some point that we are no longer physically attracted to the other and while, over time, my interest in him has come back, I don't think his interest i me has....we are intimate, maybe, once every couple of months....usually at my initiation......I know that I could turn him on by dressing in leather, high heels, knee high boots, corsets, but this has been a contentious issue in the past as whenever I'd initiate, he'd ask me to stop, and dress up before going any further and I started to feel like he did not like my body at all, only when it was dressed up a certain way).

Over the last year I've seen him make what I imagine is a pretty decent effort to be more physically affectionate with me. And when he is feeling sociable, he offers his company to me first and foremost. So, where a year ago I would have said "all we have going for us now is our history and this good mental connection", now I can say, "we have the mental connection, and he's making an effort to meet my need for physical affection"

And most of the time, we are content. Not passionate fiery in love, but happy to amble along in each other's company. My problem is that, somewhere along the line something changed for me and I started feeling like I was single, even though I'm with this guy. I found myself kind of on the look out for potential mates, wishing I could reciprocate interest when guys showed an interest in me. I keep getting crushes. I know if I ignore them they will go away and I will be happy content with my boyfriend again until the next one happens.

I'm posting here because I am stuck at this point, I love this guy, but I also seem to be seeking something else, I think, to feel wanted. I don't feel wanted by my boyfriend....I feel like he loves me, but he could live without me.

I have kiiiiinda broached this with him but I don't know what he could do to assuage my feelings, and I feel like I have put all the work on him. I don't know what he wants in his perfect relationship, I have asked, but he is not good at communicating and all I get from him is "booooooots?" (Aka, can I dress up in the sexy clothes he likes to see me wearing"

I also notice, with our super comfortable familiarity, sometimes when he's talking to me I vague out and stop hearing him....maybe he picks up on this, maybe over the years it has made him emotionally distant....maybe he was never emotionally close (there was some turmoil before we committed to each other and I don't think he has ever fully trusted me since)....maybe since we have had a few almost break ups where he gives me radio silence while he works out his own mind and I cry my eyes out for the relationship I believe has just died, maybe now I am a bit emotionally distant too. I don't really feel like our lives are connected. We have a great deal of autonomy from each other, I can go days at a time without seeing him or hearing from him. I'm no longer upset by this, I've made a few good friends, it is my friends that keep my loneliness at bay, in some respects, if we broke up today, it would make no difference to my life. The only difference is that I would lose this person from it, he is adamant we will not be friends after and he is a cool and unique individual who is I think loving me the only way he can, just that love gets lost in translation because my love language is different to his. Part of me does not want to lose him, part of me feels honoured to have been able to get to know him This well. But another part of me pines for that feeling of being 'in love'. I miss it, I want someone to fall for me and I for them to be head over heels, I want to feel sexy again, just for being who I am and looking how I look, not by having to dress like a stripper....

Can we fix this? Is it time to end it? I don't know, I do know it's not working like it is now

It sounds like you've told yourself over and over again that you should be content with what he has to offer, and over time that has worn thin as you realize that you do have a right to want what's important to you in a relationship, and that you've compromised on some things that are pretty central to your sense of well-being in a relationship. That's getting old and you're thinking about moving on, but you are afraid of making a move and regretting it later. Your self-esteem has taken a hit because of your fears he doesn't truly find your body attractive, and maybe this is making you wonder if he's the best you can do. Is any of this on the mark?

Disconcertingly so.

My self esteem definitely took a hit, at one point I felt complete self loathing and channeled that into losing weight. Dropped 10k and guys out on the town started to try and pick me up which was a pretty decent boost but it made no difference to boyfriend. He hadn't cared that I had gotten fat, and he didn't care when I became thinner. He says he lost interest in my body because I sleep naked, like the novelty wore off. He's been a bit better over the last year after awkward conversations where this specific issue was brought up but nothing even remotely close the interest a new lover would have in me. I pine for that interest so much! How do I even broach that with him? Is it worth it? Should I try? I also suspect my libido, my interest in him, is contingent on his interest in me. I think the aphrodisiac for me is that the other person is interested, that's what turns me on. Since he isn't, neither of us ever seem to think about sex, except I do, when the possibility of doing it with someone else who takes my fancy crops up, and then I just feel frustrated, like now.

Had that awkward conversation about feeling like he doesn't think I'm sexy.

He said he thought my lack of make up and hairy legs and armpits and dreads were barriers I was putting up intentionally for some reason, same way he stopped cleaning his teeth and grew his hair long when he was younger, make the exterior ugly so no one bothers to get to know the ugly interior. Doesn't seem able to entertain the idea that I might actually hate shaving and the feel of makeup and like my dreads...

Then he went defensive about having boot, and dress, and straight hair fetishes...seriously, none of that is fetish, those are all fine things to find attractive on a woman, it's when you keep pressing Me to wear them when I don't want to that we have a serious problem.

Also managed to articulate that although my head could see and reason that he loves me, and is making a big effort to maintain the relationship (being autistic, and introvert and it being a major effort just to interact with other people...), my heart can't hear it.

He said he agreed with this, although didn't like it when I blamed him for it.

Now he's sad and retreated back into solitude when I really just want him to say "don't go I love you *bear hug*" In the absence of that, for the first time since we got together, I'm ready to let this go and that makes me Very sad. Feeling sad and drained and don't know how to fix it, and really Really sick of always having to be the one who fixes it....

Accept that what is acceptable to you: hairly legs/armpits, lack of make up and dreads, phyical affection

is not acceptable to him.

Neither right, nor wrong. Just not compatible.

We compared our lists, Turns out there's actually at least half a dozen specific, unique to him things that I could think of off the top of my head that I appreciate about him, and only one thing I thought he appreciated about me. I could list a fair few things I thought he had difficulty with too though it didn't hold a candle to how much I am struggling with at the moment.

It was incredibly reassuring to here him say he wants to stay together, and express sadness at the prospect of being left....when we are actually physically together, when we talk, when I hug him and don't want to let go, the feeling of wanting to stay is still there a little bit. The sex is problematic, what if we both lost interest in each other, as happens, in long term relationships. And, not wanting to try an open relationship, and not wanting to leave, he turned to fantasy and projection to sustain a sex life with me? What if, the main reason he wants us to stay boyfriend and girlfriend is because he figures somebody is better than nobody? What if he is not emotionally mature enough to be able to differentiate between love and good reasons to keep me in a monogamous relationship? For that is the deal, he isn't willing to try anything else, he doesn't want to split, but in the list of things he appreciates about me he wrote only "intelligent and cutesy face"

....which is sweet.....but is it unreasonable to want to be more than just cute to the only person I can have sex with?

The other thing he did which held my fire in terms of leaving was, read my list (of which the sex situation was a pretty big part), we went for a walk, we sat at a bench, he said "what's that over there" and pointed and as I turned to look he kissed me. It was incredibly sweet, and little sexy, we made out, we broke the 'rules' and did it outside teehee but what should have been hot was more awkward. No matter how much I love this guy, if we can't fix the sex thing (see other thread) this relationship wont last, as much as I love him, I can't bare the frustration of getting yet another crush I can't pursue. I want my lover to think I'm the hottest thing he's ever seen.....

S O takes time to process information. I saw him on Thursday night (that's the night we made out). Actually, Come 4.30 in the morning he wanted me to leave (autism kicking in again?) I was a little crushed by that. I need him to know his own mind and act accordingly. I didn't go, I stayed, and he was being affectionate in the morning, but I am still filled with worry because if we can't rekindle our desire for each other this is just putting off the painful inevitable and I'm done crying about this...

So, I am apprehensive, sad, worried. If we meet on Sunday and he says "I Do find you hot" what if he's just saying that to keep me? What if I can't get back into him? What if we meet and he says "you are right, this isn't working anymore" and we part ways and I never see him again? I feel like I'm damned either way.

Tired but can't sleep.

Still waiting, still nervous.

Not enjoying having "Love never goes Away" from Seven Brides for Seven brothers stuck in my head.

F**k that romantic sentimental bull, it's all lies, Liiiiiieeesss!!!

Just walked past his little stash of his things in my room, CDs, lollies, felt pang of sadness at the prospect of that not being there, having no reason to be there. I still love this guy, why does the love have to persist when we aren't making each other happy anymore?

Still waiting

My friend says, either way, after this discussion, stay together and work through it or break up, either way, I'll have great sex in my future.

Not bad perspective.

you know what they say. at the end of almost every fairy tale

and they are happily ever after, BOOM end of story.

none mention how HE or She changed after marriage or engagement.

Women, love hold, and keep loving much more than men, and that causes much more pain.... you must at least take a walk practice

time is the best healer, music, perfumes and pics always bring back the emotions... try to avoid it.

I think you know in your heart of hearts that you will never be satisfied with his level of interest in you.

Don't let HIS fear of being alone keep you tied to him.