Wanting my life back

I won't go into great length about what got me where I am and why I am here all I know is that I simply cannot live this way anymore. Currently these are my issues:

Unable to work due to physical and mental health

Physical heath is a mess

Mental health has been an ongoing battle my whole life (anxiety)

Living at home in an abusive environment, soon will have no where to live

No money to live on my own

No money period

A new relationship that makes me insecure

No self esteem or confidence

No self love

No idea how to fix any of this

Gained weight (probably from one of the health issues)

No friends/support

Codependent/find value of myself only in others

Hate myself/life

So what am I doing to change this? What can I do to change this? I would welcome and be grateful for ANY feedback on this journal. Who knows how it will go...today I'll just make a few goals.

1. try and exercise lightly for 20 min despite pain

2. work hard on not putting so much thought into bf and how he feels about me

3. continue to try and get faith/hope back

4. try and catch negative thoughts

I don't plan on posting on Saturdays. Tonight, Sunday evening, I find myself too tired to write a proper post.

I must forgive myself for repeating the same mistake again recently

I didn't even need or want to do it - what drove me to make that choice is something I don't understand- especially since I had come to a place where I felt done once and for all

I put him and us in a bad place- why even risk it?

It's not worth it

I guess I have to keep making this mistake till I realize enoughb who h I thought I had

I feel horrible doing that to him

Why would I do that?

Never again

I ask God to forgive me again

I must forgive myself

I must realize this cannot ever happen

Not be a use of him but me- this is not something I want on my life

Only bad comes from it

Remember that for next time

You are out of chances with him and yourself

You promised

No more this time- you need to face this a head on

You don't need that- time for a new chapter

I will love and forgive myself

I have learned again

I believe I can make this stick

Because I want a new life- one that does not include that

It's not too late

Do not beat yourself up

Let go and stick to it

You are done with it

You just had to make the mistake over to really end it

It's done

New chapter begins now

Feeling very down today. Feeling totally worthless because I have no job skills and cannot work due to my health. I have no money. I cannot support myself. I look around me and everyone has it all. Nice house, nice cars, kids, everything. Where did I fall off? I have no clue what I want to do with my career even if I felt well enough to have one. I don't know how to figure it out. I can't go back to school at this point. I can't keep on living this way. I'm so overwhelmed. I'm afraid he won't like me because I live at home and can't work. I'm pretending to be something I am not. I have no idea how to make a career jump- plus I'm sure I'd need more education. Am I getting ahead of myself?

Yes I am. First thing first I cannot do anything until my health is better and that is not my fault. Not at all.

Yesterday seemed like another low.

My family is abusive. I am stuck. My self esteem was low. I feel worthy of nothing. I don't want to lose him.

Today I will work on positive self talk.

Today I will try a bit harder to love myself.

Today I will work hard at realizing this guy is lucky to have me, I do deserve him.

Today I will practice gratitude.

Today I will make all my doc appts.

Today I will practice kindness and appreciation

Today I will not look at what others have and wonder why I got sick and got off that path

Today I will realize my path took a turn for a reason

Today I will realize things will get better, I just have to keep believing and do my best one day at a time

Today I will love all around me

I only have me. That is it. I have to learn to love. I don't know how, but I will try. I need to stop seeking validation from others. I have to put my parents abuse out of my soul. I need a shield that repels their abuse.

I need to learn to have my faith and believe in myself again. Things will improve, they have too. I'm still here fighting this fight. It has to pay off some time.

He is lucky to have me. Despite my current circumstances, I am still more than amazing to him. If he judges me otherwise, he does not deserve me. I am going to stop putting so much on the situation- yeah he's aloof and not really there, but the more I push the more he will pull.

I'm going to stop doing the following:

Saying I miss you all the time

Saying I want to see you more

Saying he's cold or not caring or supportive

Acting more into him- I need to relax and chill

Trying to force or push things, they will develop how they will whether I like it or not, I can't control it. By trying too I will only make it worse. So I will back off. When we spend time together I will simply be in the moment. Not thinking about our future or how much he likes me. Just be. Enjoy.

I will try and be more sensitive to his needs: space when we are together, him not being as sensitive, being aloof, introverted, not wanting to be bothered while sleeping/waking

I will try and be less excitable

Don't show all my love- hold some back

No more gifts

Will not compare him to other guys or say he is "supposed" to do this or that or say well any "normal human"

Accept he is going to move slow. If I want to be with him I am signing up for this. I cannot change that pace but respect it

CHILL. Just go with it. No pressure or expectations

Stop thinking so much about him/it

I can do this. I can love myself. I don't need parents love or his love. Yes that would be great, but I will focus on loving within. I am putting all my positive love out there and want it to return. I am a good person who deserves good. Its time me and the rest of the world believed it.

I believe in myself. I will push the abuse out of my head. I am more than that. This situation will change.

I believe we are supposed to be together he just needs time. I will give him that because I love him and respect him.

Gratitude: 5 things a day

My family

Having food

God

A roof over my head

Water

It's been too long. I fell off already from writing. A major event occurred regarding the cats. I can't even get into it.

Today I want to love myself.

I want to forgive myself. I would never hurt my bf or do anything wrong.

I have to let it go.

I am a good person.

Today I am going to forgive myself for a mistake.

I do not need to beat myself up.

I am a good person.

I treat him so good.

I'm doing my best in a bad situation.

I will never drink again.

I will devote my time to healing.

I will devote my time to rebuilding my life.

I have faith. I have to forgive to move on.

Gratitude:

Safety

Health

Car

warm bed

God

Today really is the first day of the rest of my life. I have finally learned what I need too. I know what I need to stop doing. I will put all my energies towards healing. I will face the fear. I will build a life again. I will not do things that destract from that. I will focus. I will love. I will go easy on myself.

I love myself and God loves me. God forgives me so I can forgive myself. God loves me so I can love myself. God knows I am a good person so I should too. God knows all the struggle and pain. God knows all of it. He stands by me. My faith is strong. I can do this. I can face the anxiety. I can love and forgive and accept myself just as I am, because God does. I am not perfect, I make mistakes. I have learned this time.

I am on my way now. Just breathe and let your mind rest.

I have forgiven myself. I feel like after this weekend I will be back on track. Until this anxiety is running high as is self hatred.

Why can't I find purpose?

Why can't I work and support myself?

How will I get my animals back- court seems overwhelming

My whole life I have been careful with money- now when I need it the most I'm spending more than ever. I'm scared.

I am fat. I can't wear my old clothes- how did this happen I hardly eat?

I want to solve my health issues

Love myself

Work on my anxiety

Get my animals back

Get a place to live

Find purpose or at least an ok job

Stop worrying about my bf

I put so much in and I still often wonder if he cares. He can't be the center of my world- I need to start my life and rebuild on my own. Maybe he will get closer who knows. I know I need this for me.

Tomorrow I take a step towards healing. Then a few more next week.

I will find a way.

I will also lose the weight

Sadly life has kept me from writing as much as I'd like. I need this. It's all I have.

Things have been hard lately. He got quite upset that I need constant reassuring and asked me to leave. Now he wants to see me less. He is selfish but I really feel like I can't open up. He was good one night, which was nice, but generally it's all abut him. I'm not sure if I am scared to scare him away or if he is just that aloof. Needless to say something must be done.

I feel like I'm on eggshells with behavior and words. I'm so insecure right now. I was thinking about this at length last night. Watching videos on how to get a guy, mistakes you make, etc. It all seems so hard. Why can't someone just like someone and leave it at that? Why must there be all these things you should or should not do?

I've come to realize a major thing- I need a life. Of course right now that is a challenge, but in the past I have dropped my life for a guy. This isn't just about keeping my bf, it's also about having a healthy relationship and most importantly ME. Bf or not I need to develop my own life. I think work is another thing. For now these are not options, but I want to work on the concept of if/then.

If my bf acts aloof or uninterested, then I will not take it personally but rather engage myself in something

If my bf pulls back for space, then I will honor that I trust in the relationship rather than worry myself sick

If I work on self love, acceptance, self esteem, then my insecurities will pass

If I love myself, then others will too

If he does not show affection or talk much, then I will not take it personally. Rather I will accept him as he is and not think the worse and become needy.

If I feel like I need reassurance, then I will not ask him. Rather I will remind myself he is with me and to stop questioning everything.

If I want him to respect me and not take me for granted, then I need to demand that. I need to show I am fine without him and my world does not revolve around him. He should feel lucky I have invited him in it.

If I feel he is not engaging enough, then I will be calm in the moment and realize he is not like me. He does not constantly want interaction or to talk and I will respect that.

If I feel insecure he will leave me and freak out, then I will remind myself I am most likely being paranoid, but regardless I would go on. I also would like to destract myself from this thought as it does no good.

If I feel like he is irritated with me, instead of bugging him to talk about it, I will let him come to me. I will work on remaining calm and in the moment.

Big things I need to work on:

Talking about the future

Comparing his feelings/lack thereof and not wanting to move into to his exs and how he felt towards them (I feel punished for that and resent it, it's not fair but it is what it is. I can't carry that)

Stop being so needy- with time, interaction, reassurance, and affection

He can only take it day by day so if that's what he wants he could lose me. At the same point I should take it day my day and stay in the moment.

Keep having fun- not so serious

Be understanding of his needs- space, not always being there and realize he is not like other guys. Will this work for my needs? Who knows, but I need to give it time.

Do not force anything- let it breathe, give space, and let things unravel as they will.

This means stop trying to CONTROL it. It will move at a pace that it will. He will move at his.

YOU need to slow down NOW

The connection you are wanting isn't going to happen now. Accept in time it will naturally, again no forcing or controlling this.

Realize he does not show you love the way you are used too which makes you uneasy- trust he does love you despite his behavior

Respect and honor his life and space- he is not a pet he is a human who has needs and sometimes you need to back off

Seeing someone all the time or being affectionate and in constant engagement does not mean he loves you more

Embrace silence and stillness

Try and be less anxious/tense- he can feel it

LET GO- I know this is your life struggle but just try a little

Go easy on yourself- you are not perfect and I think you are doing a darn good job trying your best

Accept this is someone who behaves in a way that is not in your comfort zone- take that as a learning experience for growth

Just because sometimes he is more affectionate and sometimes more into you and wants to see you and then suddenly stops, does not mean anything

Stop overthinking- JUST BE

Continue on your path of healing- physical, mental, housing, animals, family, and work. Then work towards hobbies and new friends

Compassion. Empathy. Understanding.

Stop with the pressure- it's the surest way to make him run

Know your worth and stop getting value from him or others

Goals:

Go with the flow

No pressure

Don't overthink

Don't ask for reassurance

Ease up on constant engagement and affection

Do not think about the future stay in the moment

Breathe- let him breathe and you

Stop questioning everything, let things develop as they will- relenquish control

Keep working on you

Work on your way of thinking

Focus on what you need to do

He is a part of your life not all of it and you need to make him feel like he has earned that

Love yourself

Work on insecurity

Feeling sick to my stomach. Don't know what to do. This weekend was bad- had a HUGE meltdown in front of him, said horrible things to him I would never normally say and actually got him to the point of thinking he should break it off. WHY AM I DOING THIS? This whole week I have felt more insecure than ever and that says a lot. Is it the hormones? Is it him pulling back?

Whatever it is it does not matter. What happened happened and cannot be taken back. Will he break up with me? I do not know but I do know I will kill myself worrying and then blame myself for it. Why not try a different approach- why not imagine not feeling insecure and him coming to me with love. What does it feel like?

It feels amazing. He is there and I don't have to wonder or worry about a thing. Everything is ok and I am safe. I know he will always be there. I know he loves me and I don't question it. He can have his space and time and not be as affectionate but it's ok because I trust and faith in his love and feelings for me. I live my life. I don't spend energy worrying. I feel free. I am so happy.

Right now I have more behaviors that MUST change:

Do not talk about the relationship

Do not seek reassurance

Do not talk about the future

Do not ask for more than he can give/or make him feel that way

Make him feel like what he is giving is enough

Cherish what he gives

When he needs time or space or is not affectionate do not react negatively

Be more silent

Be independent and confident- get rid of this self hate, low self esteem, and insecurity

Stop looking for validation from him

Stop acting like you need him

Let him be- sometimes you need to be quiet and back off

I really believe I can do this. I believe in myself and think that after nearly losing him I finally am understanding. I'm scared. I love him. I really love him. I cannot spend all my focus on him- this life is about ME. I need to cherish and love me. I will work towards this. I will do my best. I'm sorry.

Feeling so sick I can hardly write this, nor do I want too. I don't want to think about it, but where ever I go I know that it will be on my mind. Might as well get it out. I feel so insecure I want to shoot myself (not literally). I feel like I ruined everything. I feel like he is about to leave. He acts completely different. Before so loving and sweet and kind- he was in love- now it seems as if he is rethinking that. He looks at my flaws. He sees my good but it doesn't seem good enough. What I need to realize is he is not perfect either. I've never expected that from him. Why do I feel like he expects it from me? I say he criticizes every move, he says I do the same- how? It's time I stop all this. I've been doing this my whole life and it's got me no where. Here is the truth. This guy is amazing. Fantastic. He has issues- just like all of us. His issues do affect the relationship, again just like all of us. However he doesn't seem to see that as an issue that needs to be worked on, rather he wants to point out what I need to do. I do point out what he needs to do and he says he just isn't there yet. I mean I get that, but if you love someone you do what it takes. Does this mean he just doesn't love me? Is this timing? I could ask these questions forever and get no where. So I won't. Instead I want to make a shift. I want to make things about me now.

Ever since I can remember my life has been about other people, thus neglecting myself, settling for less than I deserve, having no sense of self or self esteem, and so on. This comes from fear. Fear of abandoment from a young age and never feeling good enough.

So as an adult what do I do? I feel scared all the time. I feel anxious. I feel like I am not good enough and look for validation through others. I am scared they will leave me so I make myself sick with thoughts. I try to alter my behavior to fit their needs. I try everything. I try so hard it's not natural. Why? Because I love them and don't want them to leave.

Right now I want to make this work. In order for that to happen I have to make ME work. I have lost me. I never really had me to begin with, but I have really lost me. I never gained the self esteem skills or anything like that. I must make myself work at it. How? I have no clue, but I will figure it out. I think what I need to realize is that I am ok as I am. I am never going to be exactly who I want, but I should want to be me. That will take time. I also have to learn to let go and breathe. Everything is such an ordeal. I know it's not my fault, it's my anxiety, but I have to work at it. I need to feed me. I need to love me and give me what I need. Sad thing is, I don't even know what that is. So, I will do my best to find out. The more I develop and love me, the more he will love me. Instead of thinking about him leaving, think about me flourishing and him falling more in love with me. I have no control over him. Just me. I can only do my best. It's hard with all I have going on. It's hard when he is quite distant. I don't expect him to fully support me, but I expect more than he is giving. He admits honestly he can only give what he can. So the choice is mine.

I am going to choose this- this is a chance where I can be with someone and grow and love naturally without a timeline or pressure. This is a chance where I can develop me and make me my best self because I have the time and space to do so. While doing this our love will grow and I will become a complete human.

I have to believe. I know I can do this. No more fear. Sure it's not that easy, but I can do it. I can try each day to do a little more. Baby steps. I try to do it all at once. It always backfires.

So today I chose to love myself. I chose to do whatever I can to fill my spirit with peace and serenity. I want to start by accepting myself. This is a big one. Not a baby step.

The main thing for today is I want to take the focus off him and onto me. I don't know if this is a baby step, but I want to just do things for me today. Maybe I will go to library. Maybe I will get a book on self esteem. Maybe I will draw. Maybe I will exercise. Maybe I will stop hating myself and forgive myself. Maybe I will find peace in my solace. Maybe I will accept that I cannot control anything and what will be will be. Do I want to lose him? NO. Can I stop him? NO. So what can I do today? I can focus on me. He will feel that shift.

Problem: I put too much pressure on the relationship

Solution: Ease up and let things develop as they will. Do not put them on a timeline or compare them to others.

Problem: I put too much pressure on him

Solution: Do not set expectations at this stage. Accept him for who he is. Value and appreciate the time you share. Again, let things flow naturally.

Problem: I feel insecure because he does not show me affection or because it's just me

Solution: It's most likely me and little bit of him. Right now if I show myself affection I will not go looking for it from him and naturally he will give out more.

Problem: He's scared and unable to think about the future

Solution: Back off. Take things a day at a time the way he is. What will be will be so enjoy what you have now- it will develop into something wonderful.

Problem: I seem needy/clingy/less independent

Solution: Get busy! It's hard to have a life now, but try to put your energy and focus into you, not him. Fake it if you must, but really focus on you. Maybe try a help group or some sort of meditation group- something that is just for you.

Problem: He thinks he cannot meet my needs based on things I have said/done

Solution: I am putting too much pressure on things because I expect him to be like past bf's. He is not. He is different and it is taking me awhile to get used to it. Now that I understand how he is I have a choice to accept or not. I want to accept and will. This means I show him he meets by behaving like he does (this is where I don't quite know what to do) so let's think:

-don't get upset when he needs alone time while with me (like on the computer)

-don't get upset if he doesn't call/text as much

-don't get upset if he doesn't act a certain way (oh you were more into me last week), don't get upset about hot/cold, he is not always on

-don't get upset if he is quiet/moody, that is who he is

-don't get upset about not getting enough affection (conversely try and restrain your affection)

-don't get upset if he is unwilling to talk about the future or commit (just stay in the moment and have FUN)

-don't whine about missing him or not seeing him enough

-don't get upset if he doesn't kiss in the am/pm or gets up abruptly without affection

-don't get upset when he needs to move around and needs his space

-don't get upset if he doesn't always ask about me or my day- he will when you stop pointing that out

Problem: He is letting his past into the present

Solution: Give it TIME. Be patient, he will come around

Problem: Rubber band affect/hot cold

Solution: Give as much space and time as needed with no pressure, do not be tense

Problem: He senses I am more ready wanting more than he can give and he is not at that place

Solution: Let him see you have a life and you want him in it, but that you are in no hurry to put pressure on things and willing to let them develop with time, show this with behaviors listed above

Problem: I'm anxious/insecure and he can feel it

Solution: Try and be easy going- you are doing this now, your transformation begins

Problem: Talking about the relationship too much

Solution: Just stop it

Problem: Over emotional, dramatic, sensitive

Solution: Take a step back and breathe before you say or do things. Just be in the present and be mindful. You can stop yourself and realize your thoughts and feelings are not always real and you don't have to listen. Remain quiet and do not be quick to react

Problem: Drinking leads to me being mean

Solution: Stop - it's easy

Problem: Listing problems and thinking about the relationship way too much

Solution: Live life love yourself and he will too

Today I start new. What is done is done. I am not looking back. I am starting over no matter how scary it is. I am done coping poorly and ruining things. Too much pressure. I let go. I can't control. I am going to work my hardest and do my best. I will face the fear head on. I will stop repeating the same mistake.

I'm done

Today is the new me

Funny how I keep making the same mistake. I could get angry, I could feel guilty but instead I choose love. I'm in one of the most stressful times in my life- I could be doing worse. Yes I want to take steps to control it and hopefully therapy and self love will.

The meditation seemed to work like magic. I have sorta lost touch with it but want to return. I feel that when I make that bad choice I am distancing myself from it and from me and my goals. Something worth remembering.

I can only say I will try harder. Harder to make better choices for me.

I will also continue to love. The meditation I will do. I am committed.

Finally I need to treat my body as good as I can. Eat well and exercise and try and not put so much stress on it- yes that is nearly impossible, but if I love I can find a way.

I have 30 days to find a home. I have that amount of time to also prepare a court case. I am scared.

I must believe with love it will fall into place.

I don't want to write today.

My head hurts.

More mistakes were made. The same ones. Ones I swore would never happen again.

I thought I was on my new path towards healing- I thought this week would be it. I'd admitted my wrong doings and was going to change. I forgave myself. Yet I find myself doing the exact same thing. Does that make me insane?

No I think it makes me sad. I am making these mistakes because my life is a mess. I am trying my best to address it but it gets so overwhelming.

I need to commit. I have commit to loving myself so there needs to be more here.

I commit to eating well

I commit to treating my body and mind well

I commit to not doing things that hurt my body and mind

I commit to remaining positive and getting the negative out

I commit to practicing daily meditation

I commit to my love mantra

I commit to love others

I commit to either stick to my relationship or get out- but no gray areas

I commit to ask for what I need

I commit to focus on me

I commit to allow myself to mess up, but to learn

I commit to actually doing this

Love myself, eat well, dont do harmful things to body/mind, exercise, meditate, get life in order

When I feel myself getting off course I will need to remind myself it does no good- it puts me backwards- NOT USEFUL.

Negative thoughts are NOT USEFUL

I will continue with therapy and work on my self esteem

I will not beat myself up for being human

I will commit to my partner and if he cannot meet my needs I will have to make a choice

Mistakes are ok, I thought I had learned from them. I feel bad I have repeated them so many times, feel shame and guilt. What good does that do me? Nothing. NOTHING.

SO STOP. Maybe the second you stop worrying about your past mistakes and repeating them will be the second you stop doing them. Really.

Commit.

You can do it this time. I know it.

Also- stop saying today is it. Or things are going to change. Or this is day one of my new life.

Just let it happen and it will.

We all want the answer to this frustrating question, so here it is:

“For the love of all that is holy, why oh why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again!?”

Have you ever heard someone say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Sure you have! You are here because you’ve made the same mistake many times over. You even KNOW that it’s a mistake and you feel strongly you should have learned your lesson by now, yes? So why do you keep making the same mistakes over and over?

I’d like to suggest that there is a hidden reason that is keeping you locked into this repeating problem, and even beyond that, there is something even greater at stake—your happiness and peace of mind. Many of us keep making the same mistakes over and over again and somehow we think that one day we’re going to miraculously reach that holy grail of life—happiness. In a perfect world, maybe that would be the case, but as you know the society we live in is far from perfect. There are simply too many things to do and not enough time to do them all.

Not only are we stressed, but so are the people around us. Who has time to be friendly or stop and chat? Who has the time to relax or enjoy family time on a regular basis? All of this creates an environment where tension and anxiety abound. It’s also the perfect breeding ground for negative emotions like fear, anger, and even depression to take hold.

It’s no wonder that we create defense mechanisms to protect us from going completely nuts as we try to deal with stress in this crazy world we live in. Unfortunately for many of us, instead of recognizing these defense mechanisms as the survival instincts that they are, we see them as personal failings and point the finger of blame directly at ourselves. You see, the key is to look at these perceived “mistakes” with compassion, and instead of beating yourself up for making the same mistakes over and over, learn use them to your advantage. Here’s how:

1. Identify the “mistake” you keep making over and over

What is it that’s not working for you in your life right now? Are you overeating? Maybe smoking or drinking more than usual? Are you spending more money than you can afford? What about your social life? Are you avoiding people who matter because you just don’t feel like yourself? Whatever it is that’s getting in the way of your happiness, you need to name it before you can deal with it.

2. Figure out what making the same mistakes over and over is doing for you.

We don’t always do the right thing, but rarely do we do random things. That means that whatever you’re doing that you need to stop, you’re doing for a reason. Do some soul searching to find out what that reason is. Are you overeating to fill an emotional void? Maybe you’re avoiding people because your self-esteem has seen better days? Again, whatever the answer is for you, bring it to light so that you can start dealing with it.

3. Get a new defense mechanism.

Instead of beating yourself up for picking up a bad habit, focus on replacing it with something positive. Remember, whatever you resist persists, so don’t obsess over making the same mistakes you made before, but instead, focus on replacing that bad habit with a good one that serves the same purpose. If your self-esteem needs boosting, engage in some meditation methods that include positive affirmations instead of avoiding friends. If you know you’re smoking or eating more because you’re anxious, practice some calming meditation methods.

Ask yourself: Do you really want to stop making the same mistakes over and over? A great way to release your limiting pattern is by listening to our free 6-minute Core Energy Technique audio. It’s a quick and powerful meditation technique for releasing any unwanted pattern of mind and emotion.

As you’re working on how to deal with stress effectively and reversing negative patterns of behavior, be kind to yourself. It’s normal to experience some setbacks along the way, so just accept them when they come, and don’t let them throw you off track. Be persistent, and you’ll get there—I promise!

1. I know the mistake I am making over and over

2. I am doing it to escape and not deal

3. When I feel like doing that I will quiet my mind and stop. I am feeling overwhelmed and don't want to deal. So instead of engaging in the behavior, I will remind myself to do realize this is a stressful time and I am doing good and that I will be out of it soon and things will be better- I will towards the future. Maybe make a future visualization to use. Then realize that behavior will get in the way of it so don't do it.

I feel such anxiety right now.

I probably pushed and pressured too hard for more time. But it's done.

I don't want him to get tired of it, yet it's like he's not fully in it.

All I can do is focus on me, which I am doing, but yet it does hurt when I miss him so much.

I realize we are both busy. I realize space is good. I realize we are both working on our lives. I just want to feel him- he won't let me in.

I'm so scared about court and finding a place. I don't know what I will do. I am making myself sick from it. I'm scared to live alone as well and talk about not having any money any more. Yikes.

i just need to remember that the more I pressure or push the more he will recoil. So just let him come to you. Focus on yourself. Let him do his thing. Let time pass. Just let it happen. If he won't let you in you will have to make a choice. If he won't see you more another choice. But for now, just let it be. You have way too much going on and need to focus on that.

You are the priority.

For some reason the mantra worked so good...now it's like nothing. I will keep with it. I probably just feel ashamed for what I did and guilty and talking to him about it made me feel bad cause I worry I pressured him and now he's probably irritated. You know what- SO WHAT. It's done. Not useful to think of the past.

Don't forget- this guy is lucky. You are always there for him and he does little in return.

Almost ruined things again with the same mistake.

How he forgave me I do not know.

I feel worse than ever, but he said to let it go. I have to if I want to move on.

Truth is I love him so much but get frustrated. I need to just respect what he needs now- he can't be everything I want right now. Actually that's good because I have so much work to do on me that I need to have that space. It's something that is making me anxious and uneasy and it's like I am trying to sabatoge it.

Oh- wait, what's that- try to push him so I dont have to work on me....classic pattern

So it's not so much that I'm upset about him not being everything I need and want now it's that I don't want to work on me and this forces me too...which of course I avoid like the plague.

That is a breakthrough.

More to come

I don't want to write this post.

I did the same mistake again, maybe worse.

My fault. I finally forgave myself. But this is just stupid.

I know why I'm doing it. I'm anxious so I push harder. When really that pushes someone away. The last thing I want. Somehow I keep messing up when I am trying so hard not too. Why? Why am I making it so hard?

Because I am scared.

Last night I let go. I said done. No more fear. Of course I will have fear, but I have to let go, I must. I must see that this is what I have been waiting for. I need to be free once and for all.

I know what needs to be done, I've known for a long time, I just haven't been able to put it into practice. It's new for me. I try, but I fall. But I will keep trying.

Love myself

NO pressure

NO relationship talk

No passive aggressive comments about time/needs

Love/compassion

FUN

Easy going/not so hard on yourself

Do these lists matter? Sometimes they help.

I love myself. I know I am not perfect. I know I make mistakes and now for the first time in my life I accept that and forgive myself. I allow myself to mess up. I allow myself to fall. I will learn. I will get back up and be ok. I can do this. I will continue to be free. To not grasp so hard, to take pressure off of me and him. To just be. To just be. Things will fall into place if I let them. I need to get out of the way. My turn to face the fear in the face. I'm not going to run or using stupid coping mechanisms. I am going to feel it. I am going to be really really scared. I am going to be ok with it and feel it.

I am going to love him. I am going to respect him and his space and needs and show him he meets mine by allowing things to progress naturally and not push. I am going to allow things to go at their own rate, there is no rush. I push because I am scared. He pulls back because he is. He can do what he wants, but I am going to not push. I am going to be happy and grateful.

This will work out. I believe in me and us.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry you are scared to see me now after I messed up. I have to be honest, I apolgized and you knew how sad I was and that I would never do that again and this is what you do? You freak me out? That's not cool.

That is your issue not mine.

I am doing my best and it's still not enough.

So what am I going to do with this?

SCREW IT.

I am not doing anything. I am going to act like nothing happened and nothing is wrong. I'm not going to care if he is weird or odd or anything. I'm not going to be all lovey. I'm not going to be sweet. I'm just going to be there- aloof. Not distant, just not overly into you. I'm just going to act like nothing matters. I don't have a care in the world. If you want to join me you can.

I am done trying. I am done. I mess up. I'm just going to act like I am amazing. That's all there is to it. No negative thoughts. NONE. NOt one. No anxiety. NONE. Things are what they are and I cannot control them- just me. I am worth it. I am human and make mistakes but I would forgive someone. If you are going to go back on what you said that is not my problem.

I am focused on me. YOu are lucky I am in your life.

How do I do this? He won't talk about it. He will just carry it around. I want to show him safety. How?

What can I do? Act like it never happened? Act aloof?

How can I not say something more? He's obviously upset.

I hate this. It's my fault yet I feel like I should be forgiven. It's not fair. I will just beat myself up more and things will be weird between us.

Why can't he just treat me like I'm not his ex's?