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Thread: Boyfriend took advantage of me while I was drunk

  1. #1

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    Boyfriend took advantage of me while I was drunk

    So, about four months into dating my boyfriend, who btw is my first boyfriend (im 20) as well as the first person I have had sex with, he hurt me in one of the worst ways you could. I had a party that night with several friends and family members. I ended up getting very drunk, and ultimately blacked out. in addition to my hangover, I noticed that my (sorry for this) butt was sore. There was also faint blood. I was extremely confused as you can imagine. For some reason I ignored it. I thought for a second that my bf and I may have experimented with anal (he's done it before/I haven't) but he was well aware that I was not nor ever would be interested in trying it. EVER. I shirked the thought aside.

    Flash forward a week or two. As my bf and I were getting intimate, he kept trying to initiate anal sex. I had no idea why, I had never given him any sign that I desired this before. I then finally put two and two together. He would not have felt comfortable trying it, if he hadn't succeeded before, reminding me of the morning after my party. I finally asked him and he immediately denied it, saying he couldn't remember because he was also drunk. I called him out on that because he is not a drinker and from all accounts of my friends, he was completely fine. After that, he admitted that he we may have tried it. I pushed him further, and Ibegan to get upset, and he finally broke down and started crying. His justification for it was essentially that he asked me if it was okay, and that I had said yes. He said that he did not realize how drunk I was until after and that he didn't know I didn't remember it happening (which i had told him i blacked out) so thats why he never brought it up. I don't know if i said yes and participate or if I was lying there like a dead fish. I only have his word to go off. Regardless however, consent given while intoxicated, is not considered consent at all.

    We were up all night talking about it, he promised never to hurt me again, how he made a mistake, and how he loved me. For whatever reason, I believed him. I forgave him, though I know many might not have. Since then, we have had a great relationship. We've been together for a year now. He hasn't done anything wrong since. Besides the one black mark on our relationship, he's essentially been the perfect boyfriend. He's thoughtful, and kind, makes me laugh, and just treats me extremely well.

    Despite this though, what he did is still on my mind. I think about it often, and it gets me upset all over again. How he just saw his drunken girlfriend as the perfect opportunity to have anal rather than a human being he supposedly loved and should help. And then I see him, and hes the loving bf that I know then I feel like im just being dramatic or dwelling on the situation.

    I don't know if i should bring these feelings up to him. Its been months and months since it happened. I feel silly if bring it up now after all this time. Even if i did, im not sure what it would accomplish. I don't know every detail of the actual act and have always wondered.

    My question is, how do I know if i really have forgiven him? I want him in my life but i dont know how to get past what he did. Did i make a mistake in staying with him? Would having him give me a play by play of the act help me move on? I am so confused.

  2. #2
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    I would have dumped his sorry butt as soon as I heard what really happened. I know he's your partner, but that could have been considered rape in a court of law. Even if you had wanted to try anal, it should be something you both have fun trying together, as consenting partners, not something he did to you while you were passed out.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member poetryandlyrics's Avatar
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    I'd just dump his ass. To me, I'll define that as rape. If I clearly told him I don't want anal, and he asked for a sexual favor when I'm sh-t faced drunk, I'll assume it's because it's easier for me to agree, especially to anal. You can't consent to sex if you're not sober anyway. Especially the fact that he lied and his crying thing made it sound like it's about him, not you.

  4. #4
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    I'd be concerned that he'd do something similar again, too. What if he decided, when you were drunk, that it would be great to have sex without a condom, and you weren't on the pill or interested in getting pregnant? (I'm not sure of your specific situation). If you did get pregnant, you might have no idea how it happened! What if he decided it would be great to bring in another guy or girl to watch or participate while you were passed out drunk?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member CeeLambrini's Avatar
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    This made my flesh crawl and I hesitated posting.
    You have a much stronger stomach than I do, when I went through rape from being passed out I couldn't stand the sight of my so called partner, and I never spoke to him again.
    But what you went through - not only was he taking advantage of you, but he was taking part in something that could have been extremely damaging to your body when you are not prepared or ready for it. The fact that there was blood afterwards is shocking. You could have had serious internal injuries and he kept his mouth shut about it so he wouldn't get into trouble.
    There can be a certain reaction with rape victims where they go through a denial phase and block it out of their head as though it never happened, OR justify it, accept the apology, convince themselves it was just a mistake, in order to not have to emotionally deal with what actually happened to them.
    That is what I did, by pretending a relationship between us never actually happened and that he never existed, I was able to deny subconsciously that it never happened. I was perfectly pleasant to him the next morning as if nothing had happened, he dropped me home, and then I deleted every trace of him off social media, off my phone. He also performed anal sex on me, something I told him I would never do and would never be comfortable doing. I never said yes, but I never said no either. So he took his chance.
    However, instead it seems to me that you have taken the denial option a different route, by accepting that he is sorry and continuing a relationship - because breaking up the relationship would imply that something serious did happen.
    You want to see the loving, caring boyfriend in front of you but you can't escape the true colours he showed you back in the beginning. Now you're convincing yourself that it is too late to do anything about it because time has passed. However, I am simply telling you that the way you have reacted to it is normal. You have a certain distrust that is niggling at you and you can't run away from it anymore.
    I haven't yet moved on or even faced what happened to me, in fact I believe this is the first time I have actually said anything about it to anyone so, I hope my reply helps you as much as your OP seems to have helped me.

  7. #6
    Silver Member SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    I would seriously break up with him

    Ok you shouldn't have got that drunk, BUT you should be able to trust your boyfriend that if you do get that drunk then he won't take advantage of it

    It's dsigusting. I have no interest in anal and I'd be devastated if I found out my partner had done it to me whilst I was passed out drunk. It's something I never want to do and to have that forced on me would be horrendus.

    He basically anally raped you whilst you were passed out...why would you give him another chance?

    All his excuses are horrendus. I wouldn't believe any of them.

  8. #7
    Silver Member SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    I just want to add that maybe it would be wise to seek counselling to help you deal with the trauma of what you've been through. It's a hard thing to deal with.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by SapphireNoir10
    I would seriously break up with him

    Ok you shouldn't have got that drunk, BUT you should be able to trust your boyfriend that if you do get that drunk then he won't take advantage of it
    Exactly this ^

    Even if you said "yes" and "wanted it" while you were black out drunk, he knew your standpoint on it and any adult in there right mind would have not done that. ESPECIALLY considering how much you DIDNT want to ever try it.

    I mean, I've been black out drink one time, with my current bf, and he told me I was laying in bed angry at him because he refused to have sex with me. He said he didn't feel right about having sex with me that drunk. I don't remember one bit of it. Thank god he's a decent guy, it could've been a whole different story. Never drinking that much again!!

    But anyways, I'm sorry you're going through this and I suggest you leave him and get some consuling for this!

  10. #9

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    So has this year long relationship been a result of denial? I don't know what to do. Am i supposed to just disregard all the good for the only bad? Its hard to imagine not being with him. But i guess i forced myself to minimize the situation in order to help myself cope.

  11. #10
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    I would have dumped him for, basically, anally raping you. That is the legal term for what he did. He did not have your consent and he knew that you did not want to do that. He saw an opportunity to use you and took it and basically lied by omission by not telling you when you sobered up that he'd done that to you. So on top of everything else, he's a liar and a coward.

    I could not continue to look him in his face and not be upset at his taking advantage of you.

    There is no way you will ever get the truth out of him, so you have to determine if you can live with what you know and be happy and content with him for the foreseeable future. Can you? Will there ever come a day when you will not be grabbed by the throat by this contemptuous betrayal of your trust and wishes-which he well knew before he ok'd it with himself to do what he did? The only thing I can see helping you move on is for the earth to spin backwards to the moment before you took that one drink too many. How can it not keep coming up? Yes, you can forgive him, but I know I'd always sleep with one eye open and 20 pairs of underwear with him around.

    It's up to you. Is he worth it? Can you put it out of your mind with the information you now have at hand?
    Last edited by Kendahke; 03-09-2014 at 05:16 PM.

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