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Boyfriend took advantage of me while I was drunk


MarieRod

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So, about four months into dating my boyfriend, who btw is my first boyfriend (im 20) as well as the first person I have had sex with, he hurt me in one of the worst ways you could. I had a party that night with several friends and family members. I ended up getting very drunk, and ultimately blacked out. in addition to my hangover, I noticed that my (sorry for this) butt was sore. There was also faint blood. I was extremely confused as you can imagine. For some reason I ignored it. I thought for a second that my bf and I may have experimented with anal (he's done it before/I haven't) but he was well aware that I was not nor ever would be interested in trying it. EVER. I shirked the thought aside.

 

Flash forward a week or two. As my bf and I were getting intimate, he kept trying to initiate anal sex. I had no idea why, I had never given him any sign that I desired this before. I then finally put two and two together. He would not have felt comfortable trying it, if he hadn't succeeded before, reminding me of the morning after my party. I finally asked him and he immediately denied it, saying he couldn't remember because he was also drunk. I called him out on that because he is not a drinker and from all accounts of my friends, he was completely fine. After that, he admitted that he we may have tried it. I pushed him further, and Ibegan to get upset, and he finally broke down and started crying. His justification for it was essentially that he asked me if it was okay, and that I had said yes. He said that he did not realize how drunk I was until after and that he didn't know I didn't remember it happening (which i had told him i blacked out) so thats why he never brought it up. I don't know if i said yes and participate or if I was lying there like a dead fish. I only have his word to go off. Regardless however, consent given while intoxicated, is not considered consent at all.

 

We were up all night talking about it, he promised never to hurt me again, how he made a mistake, and how he loved me. For whatever reason, I believed him. I forgave him, though I know many might not have. Since then, we have had a great relationship. We've been together for a year now. He hasn't done anything wrong since. Besides the one black mark on our relationship, he's essentially been the perfect boyfriend. He's thoughtful, and kind, makes me laugh, and just treats me extremely well.

 

Despite this though, what he did is still on my mind. I think about it often, and it gets me upset all over again. How he just saw his drunken girlfriend as the perfect opportunity to have anal rather than a human being he supposedly loved and should help. And then I see him, and hes the loving bf that I know then I feel like im just being dramatic or dwelling on the situation.

 

I don't know if i should bring these feelings up to him. Its been months and months since it happened. I feel silly if bring it up now after all this time. Even if i did, im not sure what it would accomplish. I don't know every detail of the actual act and have always wondered.

 

My question is, how do I know if i really have forgiven him? I want him in my life but i dont know how to get past what he did. Did i make a mistake in staying with him? Would having him give me a play by play of the act help me move on? I am so confused.

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I would have dumped his sorry butt as soon as I heard what really happened. I know he's your partner, but that could have been considered rape in a court of law. Even if you had wanted to try anal, it should be something you both have fun trying together, as consenting partners, not something he did to you while you were passed out.

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I'd just dump his ass. To me, I'll define that as rape. If I clearly told him I don't want anal, and he asked for a sexual favor when I'm sh-t faced drunk, I'll assume it's because it's easier for me to agree, especially to anal. You can't consent to sex if you're not sober anyway. Especially the fact that he lied and his crying thing made it sound like it's about him, not you.

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I'd be concerned that he'd do something similar again, too. What if he decided, when you were drunk, that it would be great to have sex without a condom, and you weren't on the pill or interested in getting pregnant? (I'm not sure of your specific situation). If you did get pregnant, you might have no idea how it happened! What if he decided it would be great to bring in another guy or girl to watch or participate while you were passed out drunk?

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This made my flesh crawl and I hesitated posting.

You have a much stronger stomach than I do, when I went through rape from being passed out I couldn't stand the sight of my so called partner, and I never spoke to him again.

But what you went through - not only was he taking advantage of you, but he was taking part in something that could have been extremely damaging to your body when you are not prepared or ready for it. The fact that there was blood afterwards is shocking. You could have had serious internal injuries and he kept his mouth shut about it so he wouldn't get into trouble.

There can be a certain reaction with rape victims where they go through a denial phase and block it out of their head as though it never happened, OR justify it, accept the apology, convince themselves it was just a mistake, in order to not have to emotionally deal with what actually happened to them.

That is what I did, by pretending a relationship between us never actually happened and that he never existed, I was able to deny subconsciously that it never happened. I was perfectly pleasant to him the next morning as if nothing had happened, he dropped me home, and then I deleted every trace of him off social media, off my phone. He also performed anal sex on me, something I told him I would never do and would never be comfortable doing. I never said yes, but I never said no either. So he took his chance.

However, instead it seems to me that you have taken the denial option a different route, by accepting that he is sorry and continuing a relationship - because breaking up the relationship would imply that something serious did happen.

You want to see the loving, caring boyfriend in front of you but you can't escape the true colours he showed you back in the beginning. Now you're convincing yourself that it is too late to do anything about it because time has passed. However, I am simply telling you that the way you have reacted to it is normal. You have a certain distrust that is niggling at you and you can't run away from it anymore.

I haven't yet moved on or even faced what happened to me, in fact I believe this is the first time I have actually said anything about it to anyone so, I hope my reply helps you as much as your OP seems to have helped me.

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I would seriously break up with him

 

Ok you shouldn't have got that drunk, BUT you should be able to trust your boyfriend that if you do get that drunk then he won't take advantage of it

 

It's dsigusting. I have no interest in anal and I'd be devastated if I found out my partner had done it to me whilst I was passed out drunk. It's something I never want to do and to have that forced on me would be horrendus.

 

He basically anally raped you whilst you were passed out...why would you give him another chance?

 

All his excuses are horrendus. I wouldn't believe any of them.

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I would seriously break up with him

 

Ok you shouldn't have got that drunk, BUT you should be able to trust your boyfriend that if you do get that drunk then he won't take advantage of it

 

 

Exactly this ^

 

Even if you said "yes" and "wanted it" while you were black out drunk, he knew your standpoint on it and any adult in there right mind would have not done that. ESPECIALLY considering how much you DIDNT want to ever try it.

 

I mean, I've been black out drink one time, with my current bf, and he told me I was laying in bed angry at him because he refused to have sex with me. He said he didn't feel right about having sex with me that drunk. I don't remember one bit of it. Thank god he's a decent guy, it could've been a whole different story. Never drinking that much again!!

 

But anyways, I'm sorry you're going through this and I suggest you leave him and get some consuling for this!

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So has this year long relationship been a result of denial? I don't know what to do. Am i supposed to just disregard all the good for the only bad? Its hard to imagine not being with him. But i guess i forced myself to minimize the situation in order to help myself cope.

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I would have dumped him for, basically, anally raping you. That is the legal term for what he did. He did not have your consent and he knew that you did not want to do that. He saw an opportunity to use you and took it and basically lied by omission by not telling you when you sobered up that he'd done that to you. So on top of everything else, he's a liar and a coward.

 

I could not continue to look him in his face and not be upset at his taking advantage of you.

 

There is no way you will ever get the truth out of him, so you have to determine if you can live with what you know and be happy and content with him for the foreseeable future. Can you? Will there ever come a day when you will not be grabbed by the throat by this contemptuous betrayal of your trust and wishes-which he well knew before he ok'd it with himself to do what he did? The only thing I can see helping you move on is for the earth to spin backwards to the moment before you took that one drink too many. How can it not keep coming up? Yes, you can forgive him, but I know I'd always sleep with one eye open and 20 pairs of underwear with him around.

 

It's up to you. Is he worth it? Can you put it out of your mind with the information you now have at hand?

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I think it would be damaging to a person psychologically, and potentially physically, and most certainly emotionally, to continue to stay in a relationship in which essentially a rape has occurred.

 

It makes me incredibly sad for you that this is your first experience with loving a man, and trusting him with your body and health.

 

This isn't how most relationships are!! Like others have said, if you had gotten very drunk and the bf was there, the more natural occurrence with a man who loves you and respects you would be that he would be thinking of your well being. Maybe tucking you in bed, making sure you are alright. Not taking the instance of your vulnerability to have anal sex with you when he knows that is against what you would want to do.

 

I think you are coping with it in a way that is natural to you, when something traumatic has happened. Are you familiar with trauma psychology? Have you spoken to anyone at all about this besides telling us here?

 

There are three main ways people cope when in a state of shock: fight, flight, and paralysis. Your response is a good example of paralysis: you just act as though it didn't happen. Carry on with life and try to forget it and bury it. Because paralyzed by the ramifications and emotions of the experience. Whta often happens when people go into shock this way is that at some point in time, something triggers them to re experience it - and one day they 'snap'. For example, one day you might find yourself crying uncontrollably or very angry and not really knowing why.

 

I really think it would be good for you to speak to someone about this. What he did - is not normal, loving, and healthy sex. It's abusive sex.

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So has this year long relationship been a result of denial? I don't know what to do. Am i supposed to just disregard all the good for the only bad? Its hard to imagine not being with him. But i guess i forced myself to minimize the situation in order to help myself cope.

 

I'll say it again: He saw an opportunity to use you and took it and basically lied by omission by not telling you when you sobered up that he'd done that to you. So on top of everything else, he's a liar and a coward. Then he had the gall to cry about it when you pressed him for the truth. Guilt. If you had truly given your consent, there would be no guilt because right would have been on his side.

 

What you should do is to speak with a rape crisis counselor because that is the true name of what happened to you.

 

You are with a man who will take advantage of you instead of protect you when you are incapacitated. What if you were in a coma? What if you were sedated after having had an operation? Can he be trusted to leave your behind alone or will he be flipping you over in the bed and forcing himself inside of your anus?

 

I think you're trying to find a way to cope because if you truly let your rightfully, righteous anger loose, a lot of things in your life would change in an instant.

 

He can't be trusted. He will lie to save his own skin. That is who you are dealing with. You proceed with him at your own peril, emotionally and physically.

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Here's the thing. Rapists walk among us. They are people's sons, fathers, husbands, and boyfriends, and they come from all walks of life and all backgrounds, but they are still rapists. And of course when they get arrested, their family is shocked, chagrined, devastated with choruses of, 'it's can't be!' followed by 'I never had a clue' when they are presented with incontrovertible evidence that their loved one is a brutal criminal.

 

What he did to you was brutal and criminal. And unforgiveable. He KNEW how you felt about it, and did it anyway when you were unable to refuse or be aware, and to the point you were sore and bleeding the next day, so it was a violent attack and he pressed on in spite of that.

 

So you did what people do when confronted with a very unpleasant reality about a loved one. You denied it. But you KNOW it happened. And what you don't know is how many other women he's done this to, women he's dated or even women he's attacked masked and anonymously in some darkened park outside a bar when they stumble out of the bar drunk and unable to really defend themselves.

 

This is not a man you can ever trust. Some of the worst sociopaths are also extremely charming and pleasant, and only let out the REAL them when they feel they can get away with it and not get caught.

 

So that is my long answer to say, you can never ever trust this guy. And you should leave and not look back. This is not a 'little' indiscretion, this was a brutal anal attack when you were unconscious and unable to defend yourself. And such behavior indicates there is far more lurking under his surface there than you've discovered, and it won't be pleasant when you do. Perhaps one day on Christmas eve when you and the kids are gathered cozily around the tree and the police show up to arrest him because he raped someone. Or you will discover your own innocent children have been molested and raped by him, because they are unable to speak for themselves and defend themselves and he has abused them, and threatened them into silence, and ruined their lives (and yours).

 

Don't take this lightly. You have rationalized it in your head, but this guy is a perv and a criminal if he'd do this to you. He just hasn't gotten caught yet, or may have charmed his way out of it with other women just as he's done with you. Don't be fooled either because he is a person who has the capability to do this, and honestly, normal men would NOT ever do that to someone they supposedly loved. So there's a high chance that you've got a charming sociopath on your hands, who knows how to charm and manipulate. And the only advice for dealing with sociopaths is to cut them out of your lives as surely as you'd eliminate a cancer, because they are cancerous people who injure and destroy the lives of others with their secret brutalities and self interest.

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You are concerned and with good reason. Most people know when someone is so drunk that they can't give consent to sex and it's not normal that he'd take advantage of it. Most guys, the good ones, (girls too) get protective when they see someone is too drunk to be able to consent to something. Particularly when that something is a sex act that one had previously refused to do.

 

I think your gut and your instincts are telling you that something is very wrong for a good reason. And you haven't forgiven him or this wouldn't keep sticking in your mind, I'm not even sure you should forgive him. It's a very cold thing to do and speaks to a certain nature and willingness to use another human being for one's own gratification that would definitely make it hard to trust the person ever again. Personally I would have broken up with him over it, because I'd always wonder what else he was capable of if he could do that.

 

I would normally recommend couples therapy, but I don't think that's going to work here. I don't really think therapy works on people who have the mentality of a sex offender and let's face it, you were raped by someone who at that moment decided to take advantage of the fact that you couldn't say no. And on average rape by people one knows happens much more often than by a faceless stranger. This is one time when you are going to have to trust your own instincts over whatever he keeps saying. And I agree with lavenderdove on this. The guy is a sociopath at best.

 

There are some acts that simply destroy trust and they do so for a reason.

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I don't disagree in principal with some of the replies here, but I also suspect that "group think" has set it. By the original poster's own words, we don't know precisely what happened:

 

He said that he did not realize how drunk I was until after and that he didn't know I didn't remember it happening (which i had told him i blacked out) so thats why he never brought it up. I don't know if i said yes and participate or if I was lying there like a dead fish. I only have his word to go off. Regardless however, consent given while intoxicated, is not considered consent at all.

 

Somehow that has morphed into "brutal" and "criminal" and "legal definition of rape." Maybe. But the facts as presented here would never meet those thresholds, not legally or philosophically. While it's true that you cannot consent while intoxicated, there's also no objective definition of what constitutes intoxication. (And please don't confuse that with 0.08 BAC -- that applies only to driving a car, which is a completely different equation; by that measure, "legally drunk" people at the hotel bar consent to sex every day.)

 

Anyway, if the original poster sincerely believes her trust was violated, then she's justified in being upset and ending the relationship. But, ironically, some of the rhetoric here takes liberties with established facts.

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I find posts like yours dangerous. This woman is obviously in a vulnerable position as it is and your advice is going to lead her to potentially justify his behaviour and to stay with him.

 

The fact she remembers nothing and woke up with BLOOD due to the penetration with no memory of it is very concerning.

 

If you don't consent to anal sex because you are passed out drunk. That is anal rape.

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I ended up getting very drunk, and ultimately blacked out. in addition to my hangover...

 

The OP is very clear about the fact that she had too much to drink and what her level of intoxication was--blackout plus hangover. It's true none of us, her included, knows precisely what happened. However blood, pain and no memory of what happened coupled with being intoxicated to the point of blacking out and a sex act done that one wouldn't normally do all point towards something happening that a person was clearly not in a normal frame of mind to consent to. Plus why did the guy initially deny it, then say they might have done something, then finally admit to having done it if he didn't know on some level that what he'd done was wrong? That's not the actions of someone who can say, "Look, you asked and were all over me and I didn't know you were that drunk." They are the actions of someone who was thinking, "Uh-oh, busted. Quick, damage control."

 

And regardless of the facts a violation of trust has happened. It's why I'm telling the OP to trust her instincts on this one and I know more than one cop and rape counselor who would agree with the opinions rendered here. Proving it well yeah, whole different story. Of course alcohol clouds the issue, but a person's own gut often does not.

 

OP you need to trust what you know. It's why I stated the things I did. Don't discredit what you feel about the whole thing. In the end that's the most important thing.

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>>Somehow that has morphed into "brutal" and "criminal" and "legal definition of rape." Maybe. But the facts as presented here would never meet those thresholds, not legally or philosophically.

 

>> I finally asked him and he immediately denied it, saying he couldn't remember because he was also drunk. I called him out on that because he is not a drinker and from all accounts of my friends, he was completely fine.

 

If he had her permission when he did it, then why did he lie an cover it up and initially deny doing it when she asked if he'd done it? Then lie about being drunk when he doesn't even drink?

 

The evidence supports the facts that he did do it, and invented the lies that she gave consent when he realized she may have remembered it, or figured it out from the physical evidence (rectal soreness and bleeding) to prove he did do it. Then he switched to lies, crying, and then manipulation to try to save his own bacon and prevent her from reporting it.

 

and if he was rough enough to make her continue to bleed even the next day, then it is highly doubtful that she was conscious and consenting at the time, or she would have stopped him while he was in progress from the pain of that.

 

And I think the OP's uneasiness about this many months later is her own intuition speaking... she knows that this is something she'd never consent to, and also knows that he violated her. I hope she listens to her own intuition because it is trying to protect her.

 

OP, if you have any doubts, read Gavin de Becker's 'The Gift of Fear' which is written to help people use their own intuition and innate instincts and skills taught to police and detectives to separate out harmless from harmful situations and people. This is bugging her many months later, and that in itself is even to tell her that there is something really not right about all this, and she needs to get out now to save herself further harm from this guy in future because she can't trust him and he did something way outside the norm when he violated her doing something he well knew she didn't want him to do.

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Like lavenderlove said, the fact that she was still bleeding the next day is a red flag too.

 

******TMI ALERT***** I've had anal, with and without lube, and NEVER bled. He had to be VERY rough with her to cause bleeding all the way into the next day.

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Like lavenderlove said, the fact that she was still bleeding the next day is a red flag too.

 

******TMI ALERT***** I've had anal, with and without lube, and NEVER bled. He had to be VERY rough with her to cause bleeding all the way into the next day.

 

Yeah, it's a red flag for sure.

 

Bleeding and sex should not be normalized! Unless it's your first time having sex, bleeding or tearing means the guy is being very rough.

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#1. You're drinking for the wrong reasons. Getting blackout drunk is a sign of alcohol abuse or being drugged. In either case, it's not something you should be actively pursuing. If the people in your life are pressuring you to get blackout drunk, or they celebrate getting this drunk, you would be wise to seek the high road and Grow up before you go much further down this road. This time it was a man you knew, next time it could be a man you don't know, or a whole room of men you don't know. The fact of the matter is, when you're so drunk that you no longer have control over over yourself, it means someone else does have control of you, or you have left yourself vulnerable to someone else until you come to because in that window, you are incapable of defending yourself.

 

#2. Find a man who will honor what you wish when you are sober when you're drunk. AKA, someone who has your back, not someone who covets your A$$. This man has proven he is not someone you can trust.

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This isn't a matter of victim blaming, this is a matter of adapting oneself to better protect oneself from future incidents. "What can I do to avoid future situations" accepts responsibility for personal destiny, whereas yes, it's his fault she was anal raped, but as the old line goes, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

 

Getting blackout drunk is high risk behavior, when you engage in high risk behavior there is a very good chance bad things might happen to you. That's why they call it "high risk!" When you engage in high risk activity, you essentially show the people around you that you don't care about yourself and you don't care what happens, so why then should they care for you?

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