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Thread: Boyfriend took advantage of me while I was drunk

  1. #11
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I think it would be damaging to a person psychologically, and potentially physically, and most certainly emotionally, to continue to stay in a relationship in which essentially a rape has occurred.

    It makes me incredibly sad for you that this is your first experience with loving a man, and trusting him with your body and health.

    This isn't how most relationships are!! Like others have said, if you had gotten very drunk and the bf was there, the more natural occurrence with a man who loves you and respects you would be that he would be thinking of your well being. Maybe tucking you in bed, making sure you are alright. Not taking the instance of your vulnerability to have anal sex with you when he knows that is against what you would want to do.

    I think you are coping with it in a way that is natural to you, when something traumatic has happened. Are you familiar with trauma psychology? Have you spoken to anyone at all about this besides telling us here?

    There are three main ways people cope when in a state of shock: fight, flight, and paralysis. Your response is a good example of paralysis: you just act as though it didn't happen. Carry on with life and try to forget it and bury it. Because paralyzed by the ramifications and emotions of the experience. Whta often happens when people go into shock this way is that at some point in time, something triggers them to re experience it - and one day they 'snap'. For example, one day you might find yourself crying uncontrollably or very angry and not really knowing why.

    I really think it would be good for you to speak to someone about this. What he did - is not normal, loving, and healthy sex. It's abusive sex.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by MarieRod
    So has this year long relationship been a result of denial? I don't know what to do. Am i supposed to just disregard all the good for the only bad? Its hard to imagine not being with him. But i guess i forced myself to minimize the situation in order to help myself cope.
    I'll say it again: He saw an opportunity to use you and took it and basically lied by omission by not telling you when you sobered up that he'd done that to you. So on top of everything else, he's a liar and a coward. Then he had the gall to cry about it when you pressed him for the truth. Guilt. If you had truly given your consent, there would be no guilt because right would have been on his side.

    What you should do is to speak with a rape crisis counselor because that is the true name of what happened to you.

    You are with a man who will take advantage of you instead of protect you when you are incapacitated. What if you were in a coma? What if you were sedated after having had an operation? Can he be trusted to leave your behind alone or will he be flipping you over in the bed and forcing himself inside of your anus?

    I think you're trying to find a way to cope because if you truly let your rightfully, righteous anger loose, a lot of things in your life would change in an instant.

    He can't be trusted. He will lie to save his own skin. That is who you are dealing with. You proceed with him at your own peril, emotionally and physically.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    Here's the thing. Rapists walk among us. They are people's sons, fathers, husbands, and boyfriends, and they come from all walks of life and all backgrounds, but they are still rapists. And of course when they get arrested, their family is shocked, chagrined, devastated with choruses of, 'it's can't be!' followed by 'I never had a clue' when they are presented with incontrovertible evidence that their loved one is a brutal criminal.

    What he did to you was brutal and criminal. And unforgiveable. He KNEW how you felt about it, and did it anyway when you were unable to refuse or be aware, and to the point you were sore and bleeding the next day, so it was a violent attack and he pressed on in spite of that.

    So you did what people do when confronted with a very unpleasant reality about a loved one. You denied it. But you KNOW it happened. And what you don't know is how many other women he's done this to, women he's dated or even women he's attacked masked and anonymously in some darkened park outside a bar when they stumble out of the bar drunk and unable to really defend themselves.

    This is not a man you can ever trust. Some of the worst sociopaths are also extremely charming and pleasant, and only let out the REAL them when they feel they can get away with it and not get caught.

    So that is my long answer to say, you can never ever trust this guy. And you should leave and not look back. This is not a 'little' indiscretion, this was a brutal anal attack when you were unconscious and unable to defend yourself. And such behavior indicates there is far more lurking under his surface there than you've discovered, and it won't be pleasant when you do. Perhaps one day on Christmas eve when you and the kids are gathered cozily around the tree and the police show up to arrest him because he raped someone. Or you will discover your own innocent children have been molested and raped by him, because they are unable to speak for themselves and defend themselves and he has abused them, and threatened them into silence, and ruined their lives (and yours).

    Don't take this lightly. You have rationalized it in your head, but this guy is a perv and a criminal if he'd do this to you. He just hasn't gotten caught yet, or may have charmed his way out of it with other women just as he's done with you. Don't be fooled either because he is a person who has the capability to do this, and honestly, normal men would NOT ever do that to someone they supposedly loved. So there's a high chance that you've got a charming sociopath on your hands, who knows how to charm and manipulate. And the only advice for dealing with sociopaths is to cut them out of your lives as surely as you'd eliminate a cancer, because they are cancerous people who injure and destroy the lives of others with their secret brutalities and self interest.
    Last edited by lavenderdove; 03-09-2014 at 05:49 PM.

  4. #14
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    You are concerned and with good reason. Most people know when someone is so drunk that they can't give consent to sex and it's not normal that he'd take advantage of it. Most guys, the good ones, (girls too) get protective when they see someone is too drunk to be able to consent to something. Particularly when that something is a sex act that one had previously refused to do.

    I think your gut and your instincts are telling you that something is very wrong for a good reason. And you haven't forgiven him or this wouldn't keep sticking in your mind, I'm not even sure you should forgive him. It's a very cold thing to do and speaks to a certain nature and willingness to use another human being for one's own gratification that would definitely make it hard to trust the person ever again. Personally I would have broken up with him over it, because I'd always wonder what else he was capable of if he could do that.

    I would normally recommend couples therapy, but I don't think that's going to work here. I don't really think therapy works on people who have the mentality of a sex offender and let's face it, you were raped by someone who at that moment decided to take advantage of the fact that you couldn't say no. And on average rape by people one knows happens much more often than by a faceless stranger. This is one time when you are going to have to trust your own instincts over whatever he keeps saying. And I agree with lavenderdove on this. The guy is a sociopath at best.

    There are some acts that simply destroy trust and they do so for a reason.
    Last edited by ParisPaulette; 03-09-2014 at 05:51 PM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Brownstone322's Avatar
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    I don't disagree in principal with some of the replies here, but I also suspect that "group think" has set it. By the original poster's own words, we don't know precisely what happened:

    Originally Posted by MarieRod
    He said that he did not realize how drunk I was until after and that he didn't know I didn't remember it happening (which i had told him i blacked out) so thats why he never brought it up. I don't know if i said yes and participate or if I was lying there like a dead fish. I only have his word to go off. Regardless however, consent given while intoxicated, is not considered consent at all.
    Somehow that has morphed into "brutal" and "criminal" and "legal definition of rape." Maybe. But the facts as presented here would never meet those thresholds, not legally or philosophically. While it's true that you cannot consent while intoxicated, there's also no objective definition of what constitutes intoxication. (And please don't confuse that with 0.08 BAC -- that applies only to driving a car, which is a completely different equation; by that measure, "legally drunk" people at the hotel bar consent to sex every day.)

    Anyway, if the original poster sincerely believes her trust was violated, then she's justified in being upset and ending the relationship. But, ironically, some of the rhetoric here takes liberties with established facts.

  7. #16
    Silver Member SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    I find posts like yours dangerous. This woman is obviously in a vulnerable position as it is and your advice is going to lead her to potentially justify his behaviour and to stay with him.

    The fact she remembers nothing and woke up with BLOOD due to the penetration with no memory of it is very concerning.

    If you don't consent to anal sex because you are passed out drunk. That is anal rape.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    ^ She knows there was anal sex that happened. And she wasn't aware of it while it was happening, nor does she remember it afterwards.

  9. #18
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    I ended up getting very drunk, and ultimately blacked out. in addition to my hangover...
    The OP is very clear about the fact that she had too much to drink and what her level of intoxication was--blackout plus hangover. It's true none of us, her included, knows precisely what happened. However blood, pain and no memory of what happened coupled with being intoxicated to the point of blacking out and a sex act done that one wouldn't normally do all point towards something happening that a person was clearly not in a normal frame of mind to consent to. Plus why did the guy initially deny it, then say they might have done something, then finally admit to having done it if he didn't know on some level that what he'd done was wrong? That's not the actions of someone who can say, "Look, you asked and were all over me and I didn't know you were that drunk." They are the actions of someone who was thinking, "Uh-oh, busted. Quick, damage control."

    And regardless of the facts a violation of trust has happened. It's why I'm telling the OP to trust her instincts on this one and I know more than one cop and rape counselor who would agree with the opinions rendered here. Proving it well yeah, whole different story. Of course alcohol clouds the issue, but a person's own gut often does not.

    OP you need to trust what you know. It's why I stated the things I did. Don't discredit what you feel about the whole thing. In the end that's the most important thing.
    Last edited by ParisPaulette; 03-09-2014 at 07:31 PM.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    >>Somehow that has morphed into "brutal" and "criminal" and "legal definition of rape." Maybe. But the facts as presented here would never meet those thresholds, not legally or philosophically.

    >> I finally asked him and he immediately denied it, saying he couldn't remember because he was also drunk. I called him out on that because he is not a drinker and from all accounts of my friends, he was completely fine.

    If he had her permission when he did it, then why did he lie an cover it up and initially deny doing it when she asked if he'd done it? Then lie about being drunk when he doesn't even drink?

    The evidence supports the facts that he did do it, and invented the lies that she gave consent when he realized she may have remembered it, or figured it out from the physical evidence (rectal soreness and bleeding) to prove he did do it. Then he switched to lies, crying, and then manipulation to try to save his own bacon and prevent her from reporting it.

    and if he was rough enough to make her continue to bleed even the next day, then it is highly doubtful that she was conscious and consenting at the time, or she would have stopped him while he was in progress from the pain of that.

    And I think the OP's uneasiness about this many months later is her own intuition speaking... she knows that this is something she'd never consent to, and also knows that he violated her. I hope she listens to her own intuition because it is trying to protect her.

    OP, if you have any doubts, read Gavin de Becker's 'The Gift of Fear' which is written to help people use their own intuition and innate instincts and skills taught to police and detectives to separate out harmless from harmful situations and people. This is bugging her many months later, and that in itself is even to tell her that there is something really not right about all this, and she needs to get out now to save herself further harm from this guy in future because she can't trust him and he did something way outside the norm when he violated her doing something he well knew she didn't want him to do.
    Last edited by lavenderdove; 03-09-2014 at 10:18 PM.

  11. #20
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    Like lavenderlove said, the fact that she was still bleeding the next day is a red flag too.

    ******TMI ALERT***** I've had anal, with and without lube, and NEVER bled. He had to be VERY rough with her to cause bleeding all the way into the next day.

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