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My boyfriend died and I'm lonely


emmyems

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My boyfriend died 7 weeks ago today. It's been very difficult and I'm doing better (as better as I can be), but I'm dreadfully lonely. I try to fill my time with friends and activities but I miss having a companion. I know it is too soon for me to date. I don't want to be alone forever but I can't imagine finding anyone I'm as compatible with as I was with him. I'm only 29. He was just 31, and died very unexpectedly. I know he is gone, but I still don't understand why it had to happen.

I keep seeing people my age who are married and have kids, or boyfriends/girlfriends. I feel like there is no one left for me (and especially won't be by the time I'm ready to date again). I have to start all over and I don't know how. I feel guilty at the thought of moving on. I'm sad and feel lost. I wonder if any guy will accept me or want to deal with me once he finds out about my loss. Will it be hard to date again? How do I cope with this lonliness? People try to be empathetic, but no one I know has really experienced a loss like this and it's difficult to relate. If anyone here has had this experience or has some ideas, I'd love to hear from you.

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I am sorry to hear about your loss.

I definitely agree with mhowe, I would see a grief counselor. They are what is going to be best for you at this time.

 

Thanks for the replies. I'm actually already seeing a grief counsellor. I don't find she can help in this area though, because she's never experienced it. I've tried joining a local bereavement group, but it isn't very well attended.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi emmyems, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. I hope you are doing a little bit better, but I am sure this has been the most difficult thing you have gone through. I am sure he would want you to be happy and only wants the absolute best for you. Take your time in your healing and please feel free to reach out if you need anything.

 

Hugs xoxo

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  • 2 months later...

Hi Emm, my name is Crystal, I'm 29, live in Texas (alone now) and my boyfriend died suddenly on a fishing trip on July 31, 2012. Coming up on 2 years. So I don't have a lot of 'answers', but I've been lonely..and dabbling in dating for a little while & it's been a real 'different' thing since before I had it all with him..and then he died. So, I've 'reached out' by writing on this site, 9 months after he died..titled 'My Boyfriend Drowned' ..currently on pg 5 of the Loss & Bereavement part of the forum if you'd like to read it. Things have of course changed for me since then. Some things are better than they were 9 mos. into the grieving, some are just altogether different. Although I hate that anyone else feels even somewhat similar of a loss, I yearn for someone empathetic to talk to. ♡Crystal

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My husband died suddenly years ago. I know the feeling. Initially, there was a great deal of support from family and friends, but then they all return to their own lives and the reality of the situation sinks in. You are left alone with your pain. However, we are here, and we are all ears and our hearts are open to you. We will never tire of the outpourings of your heart. Suggest that you begin a diary on here to express yourself and please get the book, "Tear Soup." Be kind to yourself, honey, and deal with this at your own speed. chi

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  • 5 weeks later...

I'm a little behind on my reply but I want to thank everyone for the kind words and replies.

 

So it's almost been 7 months now. I still miss him all the time but I almost feel ready to date again. I finished 6 months of counselling and though I'll never ever forget the love of my life, I don't want to be alone forever. I know any new love will not be better or worse - just different.

 

That said, I'm having a hard time with the dating thing. I realize I'm still young by probably most peoples standards but I'm starting to feel really old, and like time is flying by. I feel like I look older. I feel less attractive. I don't sense that guys check me out anymore. Sometimes I get really down and feel like my boyfriend was the only person who could love me, and no one else, and if he's not here, I'm supposed to be alone. I've tried some online dating (yeah, probably not the most confidence-boosting method) and any of the men I've shown interest in aren't interested in me, and vice versa. It feels like work and I always think about how easy it was with my boyfriend and how compatible we were. Then I see all my friends married and having babies and I have so much catching up to do, or, I won't catch up because no one else will ever love me.

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Well, honey, it has only been 7 months. Treat yourself to a makeup makeover and or a trip to a spa. It is very important to be kind to yourself. You are still in the healing stages. It is good to hold your him in your heart, but he no longer can hold you in his arms....so it is with this in mind that you must not give up the hope of having that again some day, and as you yourself stated, it will be different, but still good in its way. You cannot speed the healing process along, but you will get there eventually.

 

Thanks for getting back to us. chi

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I lost a brother a few years back to tragic circumstances, and the last time I saw my dad I'm finally seeing him return to his usual self - or I caught him on a good day!

 

The struggle to find a quality companion is an ongoing gruel for many of us, it's life. Don't let it get you down - you're still that woman you were 5, 10 years ago, you're just less of that girl you also were. You want a man who appreciates that and not so much a man who lusts after it, if that makes sense. You still have it, there's no rush, not yet at least!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm sorry for your loss My first boyfriend my high school boyfriend died in a car accident a few months before his 18th bday I was 17 at the time and I still miss him and still love him, I don't think that ever goes away but you can hold onto good thoughts and memories of them to comfort you. I didn't date again until I was 21 yo and I compared everyone to him.

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  • 5 months later...

Hi. I can completely relate to this post. I am 24 and I was with my boyfriend over 3 years. We lived together for 2. He was my absolute world. He died suddenly on 23.12.2014. I was with him when he died. I have coped so far as well as I can. His funeral is in 2 weeks. I have my up days and my down days. But like you i have this overwhelming feeling that i will never meet some one who loved me as much as he did and visa versa. I felt my future was with him. Ive never met such a caring and loving individual. My whole life revolved around him for 3 years and it has just been taken away. I cant imagine being with anyone else. I am scared i will always compare who ever i meet in the future to him. I just want to know that there is hope!

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  • 3 months later...

I just went through this a few weeks ago except he had broken up with me a week before he died. His death was sudden and everyone is still shocked. In my situation it is like I lost M twice.

How are you feeling these days?

I'm here for you.

I agree, people try to be empathetic and they mean well but it's like they can't help. No one understands the pain of losing someone who meant so much. How can they know the special, private times you shared? Those things are between you two only and maybe you can take some comfort in that. He's with you forever.

People suggest counseling. I'm trying it out and it can be overwhelming. I suggest writing to him in a journal. I believe your bf is out there somewhere, somehow. Write to him when you are hurting and tell him your thoughts and your memories.

I know how you feel when you say you feel old. I do too. An experience like this does age you. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself.

My friend's grandmother, who had lost her husband of 50 years said to me" Honey, you are joining this club 40 years early" and she was right. I didn't lose my husband but I did lose someone I loved dearly. Many, many people don't experience this until later in life.

DON'T let other people's marriages and new families get you down. You never know what happens behind closed doors. Everyone has struggles.

What you need is a patient man who will accept you and all you have been through. Try dating someone older? Be patient. Maybe you boyfriend is somewhere up above trying to put a good man in your path. Ask him to help you- if you feel comfortable.

You aren't alone!

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  • 1 year later...

This Thread is quite old, But I wanted to say I am now RIGHT where you were. First I'm very sorry for everyone's losses.! My Fiancé died suddenly January 28, 2017. I am so distraught, numb, lonely, and just so sad. I cry all the time. most of My friends don't live close by . None of them ever call me. Well they did the first week , but after that, I've been on my own for most part. I have one or two good friends near me, but they're married and have their own lives. I've been seeing a grief councellor but I don't think it's helping. I mourn for all the things my BF and I used to do together. Just making a meal, and eating is so heartbreaking because it's something we always did together. I want to go out and do things, but find I have NO ONE to go with me.. and it's so hard to do things alone. I've tried spas, and getting nails done but those only kill so much time. Ive tired getting a meal out by myself a few times but usually end up asking for a box to GO. At home I find myself struggling to just do the mundane things. UGH! I'm hoping someone who's been though this before with no support can offer some advice ??

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This Thread is quite old, But I wanted to say I am now RIGHT where you were. First I'm very sorry for everyone's losses.! My Fiancé died suddenly January 28, 2017. I am so distraught, numb, lonely, and just so sad. I cry all the time. most of My friends don't live close by . None of them ever call me. Well they did the first week , but after that, I've been on my own for most part. I have one or two good friends near me, but they're married and have their own lives. I've been seeing a grief councellor but I don't think it's helping. I mourn for all the things my BF and I used to do together. Just making a meal, and eating is so heartbreaking because it's something we always did together. I want to go out and do things, but find I have NO ONE to go with me.. and it's so hard to do things alone. I've tried spas, and getting nails done but those only kill so much time. Ive tired getting a meal out by myself a few times but usually end up asking for a box to GO. At home I find myself struggling to just do the mundane things. UGH! I'm hoping someone who's been though this before with no support can offer some advice ??

 

Hi. Cinders, I suggest that you start your own thread under the bereavement forum and make it a journal. That way you can keep it going indefinitely and your thread will not be shut down. It is like keeping a diary and you can post how you feel and people can chime in as well. I posted on this thread of my experience. The recovery from a death of someone you love is a long and painful journey. This site, enotalone, is a support for all types of life experiences, including grief. So, you have found a good place to find people who understand what you are feeling. Hang in there, it does get better..... chi

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  • 1 year later...

Cinders1, I have just now seen your post, at the end of 2018. Sorry it's so long after your initial post, as I can fully relate to how hard you must've been wallowing in grief when you posted your story. I know that, by now, you've become more able to cope with your loss...although, you probably aren't "better", and I feel ya on that one. So..reach out if you're feeling alone, in a hole, or just pissed. I will check back here for you. Take care.

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  • 1 year later...

I'm just checking in with everyone. This forum has always comforted me. It's been 8 years since my boyfriend died. chitown9 , you are awesome for showing up here so often to offer comfort and solace. I sincerely appreciate every post and reply you've made. It's strange how/why/when people cross one anothers' paths; and I'm grateful to have stumbled upon yours. What an odd club that's been formed here, that has become almost an oddly comforting sisterhood. The First Widows Club. "I don't care to belong to Any club that would have Me as a member." -Groucho Marx

The way I/we ended up here, sucks. But, I'm honestly really glad that I found this place when I did. This forum was my canteen in the desert.

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