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Thread: 9 years and a child.....karma is 10 fold.

  1. #1
    Bronze Member villagehero's Avatar
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    9 years and a child.....karma is 10 fold.

    This is my attempt at expressing and consciously choosing to move forward in life, one smile at a time. It's been almost 4 months since we have been separated and it still lingers on, as it naturally should. We were together for what would of been 9 years this past new years and my life at 27 has definitely changed since. This will be a bit in depth but I want to get out all of my thoughts, failures, and fears and have them publicized to you all for mutual support, respect, and counseling. Reading others past experiences and current emotional mindset has really been an eye opener into the importance of constructive feedback. I hope this will help others somehow.

    When I was in college around 2004 I met this beautiful, young, Caribbean girl named "Mary." We met through mutual friends and we would all hang out at bars or clubs since the school we attended did not necessarily have the campus lifestyle. All of us would dance, have fun, be silly, and think nothing of it. Mary was a very happy, positive, young spirited girl that really captured my attention. We were friends for about a year and I noticed myself falling for her. I told a mutual friend about this and he said "man, let it go it's just a fluke."

    I realized that I was, after a year, approaching the "friends zone" and needed to act. FAST. I built up the courage while talking to her on the phone and told her that I liked her. She replied, I like you too, then I said no I REALLY like you. She hesitated, but then suddenly replied with a similar gesture. We began dating that fall and things were amazing. I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend on New Years at midnight and that's where our story began.

    It was heavenly bliss, as it usually is. We would think about each other, spend countless hours exploring each others body, sleep the day away and just be a young in love couple. For the first 6 months or so it was a dream. She was so in love with me and I could feel it in every action and gesture she made. Prior to this, my longest relationship had been 6 months and usually because I would lose interest in the girl. Not this time. I really liked this one.

    After the first year, I started noticing certain flaws, as most would after the honey moon period. I still really liked her and she was even more in love with me but my mind began to wonder. She was living at her mom's and not really working but would stay with me for 1-2 weeks at a time, which I didn't mind but made me question things. Sometimes she would either go to visit her family in the Caribbeans or travel for a modeling or video gig. During one of these trips, I found myself hanging out with another girl and unfortunately made the dumb decision to make out with her. Alcohol was involved, but it definitely was not what pushed me over the edge. After that incident and upon her return, I was so fraught with guilt and shame that I did the only thing I knew to do. Confess.

    It was awful. She was an emotional mess. I felt horrible about it. But I felt, at the time, it was the right thing to do. It took a little while but eventually we were back to being okay. I could tell that now and ever since, I had killed the spirit of love inside her, even if only a little bit.

    Something that I have always been raised by has been to be a go getter and diligent in everything I do. I had dreams and aspirations of going to Japan or Korea and teach English before I got into this relationship. I still wanted to do it, but it seemed harder than before. Around the third year of the relationship I decided I would try and make that happen again. It hurt her to hear this, but she knew it's what I wanted. I tried to start the application process and what not and ultimately got rejected from the program. The mentality was still there. I wanted to run away. To be free. To go through a rite of passage of sorts and find out who I really am. Somehow, I felt that this wasn't with her by my side yet something kept me around.

    As the years went by, she would sometimes go and visit her family, for maybe a month. My old self would get excited at this thought as if I had gained some freedom. Slowly my mentality began to change. When I would be around her or her friends I would become quiet, mildly annoyed and somehow a drag. I don't know what brought me to that state but maybe it had to do with me being unhappy in my situation yet not being able to let her go. I messed around once more with the girl I had kissed from before, but this time I did not tell her. I kept it to myself. And my soul slowly began to experience remorse.

    My ex has has this condition called endometriosis (endo). It is a debilitating pain that spreads from a woman's uterus. This would cause her to be in excruciating pain sometimes to the point where I would have to take her to the hospital. It happened more than 6 times, at least. When she needed me the most I would seem to drown in this depressed "woe is me" state that I was so young (23ish) and felt like I had a broken girlfriend. It was rough for her but for me as well. At one time I caught myself catching her as she fainted and had to call the ER to have them come save her because she was unresponsive. Medical issues plagued the early years of our relationship and it made me feel overwhelmed and stressed. The inner voice and feeling inside me was one of pushing away and rejecting what was to me not what I wanted.

    I eventually graduated college and found a different number of jobs. She had dropped out of college and was doing odd jobs here and there while still pursuing her modeling career, which was not really going anywhere. We were still happy and together, but it was my gut feeling inside still causing me to wonder and feel somewhat "off". At the time my friends where our friends and we would still do a lot of things together. It was nice, now that I look back at it but at the time I don't think I realized what I had or how I could better myself.

    When 2010 had arrived, I was at a low point in my job hunt. I had no where to live and go and ended up moving to a friends hallway. She was also still having problems with her health and causing her to not fully be able to pursue college or work. I decided for us to have a baby, since all the reading I had done indicated that pregnancy causes the endo to "spread" and break apart. We had had a miscarriage before when I was in school and i remember feeling like my life was over once I heard she was pregnant, but her body rejected it. So this time I wanted to consciously have a child with her. And it happened.

    Before the baby had been conceived, I had plans of visiting my family in Colombia. I had bought a ticket and had not seen my family in about 8 or 9 years. When the time came, She was about 6 months pregnant and I chose to go on my trip to visit my family. I arrived at my country and saw it with adult eyes for the first time. During one of my visits to family, I met this girl, a family friend. For the 4 days that I was there, I felt such a strong connection and emotion with this person. I also was having a mid life (20's) crisis because I was only 24 and about to be a young father. I was not prepared. Life had so much more to offer and my naive mind thought it was now hindered or closed off. So this Colombian girl was a representation of everything I could not have and wanted.

    I arrived back home and maintained contact with the girl through Facebook. Bad Idea. As with all things, they will eventually come to light and one day I left my Facebook up and she got on and read all the love letters that I had left this girl. While she was pregnant. It absolutely destroyed her heart. And it will be a mistake that I will forever regret causing. I apologized profusely, she called my mother and we all talked, cried, and tried to make amends. Things had changed. Things were off. It was the beginning of the end.

    Our daughter was born that summer and it slowly brought us closer. It also established boundaries between our now adult relationship. The baby became a priority, our sexual activity decreased, the burdens of raising a family on a limited budget were mine to bare, etc. She went the first year staying with the baby while I would work and go out occasionally (still being insecure about trusting me). My daughter brought me a lot of joy and a new sense of self was slowly being instilled. I was still working multiple jobs until I finally landed my first true full time job at an ad agency. Once again, my inability to remain faithful would rear its ugly face.

    The job was amazing, fun, and new. The people were creative, unique, and culturally diverse. As always, there was a girl and this one girl was the complete opposite of what I had at home: driven, successful, intellectual, deep. It was unique and mind blowing. I have this habit of writing on moleskines (little black books) everything that I feel and began writing about this girl, we will call her Zara. Zara was on my mind, my dreams, everything. I would look forward to seeing her in the morning, stay late at work to try to talk to her. It was a mess. I kept looking everywhere else for change and not where it mattered most. Within. On one occasion, Jo found one of these little books and again, I broke her heart.

    I never acted or did anything with Zara. It was simply a perpetual daydream. Slowly I began to lose interest or woke up to the reality of us not being able to be with each other. Since Zara was someone who, at that time, I could see myself spending my life with. Jo began to pull away from me slowly and I took notice. As I shut off my emotions for Zara, another girl at work named Randi, who I wasn't really interested in, began to pay me more attention.

    When the baby's first bday arrived, we had planned a big party with many guest. That morning i was on my laptop and on Facebook when I see that she had left her Facebook up. I found messages of her talking to an old friend of hers and them discussing hooking up and what not. For the first time, the tables had turned and I felt the stabbing pain of mistrust. The profound sadness and anger that comes with it. It was a horrible day for me. We tried to have it work out that day. For the baby. But our relationship from that day had finally reached it's final descend. I now had issues of insecurity, but did not do the right thing in working our relationship out. I buried those emotions and continued on with our life.

    At the ad agency, there was another girl who was all smiles and always enjoyed my company. Her name was Randi. She was not really my type but I could tell and feel the attention she would direct towards me. My home life at that time was not exactly positive other than the baby, and I felt this selfish need to let some sexual energy out due to the strain and stress of my job (very simple minded) and thus I began to fool around with this girl. Consistently.

    During this period I attempted to move out because I had felt that I was completely losing my self and betraying everything that we had. Outside of this relationship and during this period, I was a very compassionate guy with a good heart. It just seemed like our relationship was getting very wary and I was not really in it anymore. Her flaws and lack of drive was constantly leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I tried but with no success, because I began to miss them (especially since it was now 7 years of our relationship). New Year arrived (anniversary) and I had an illuminating moment .

    I was hired as a videographer for an out of town shoot in another state and since we were short on money, I took on the job. My intention was to take Randi and grab a hotel after the shoot and of course have fun all night long. The day I was getting ready to leave, I went to my office to pick up some batteries and when I was in the stock room, i found a quote someone had placed almost strategically for me to read. It was the commencement speech by Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca Cola. If you have a chance, please read it. I will post the link below.

    Once I read this, something was lifted. I realized that my relationship was being irrevocably damaged and that I was the cause of this pattern. I had to change. I called Randi and canceled our plans. I could not carry through one more deceitful moment to the mother of my child, especially on our anniversary. My acts had made me more insecure, unstable, needy, clingy, and paranoid around her. I was holding on to love too tightly but also throwing it around like it didn't matter. I didn't deserve her. My adult heart had blossomed and I wanted to save the last pieces of the unicorn heart.

    Enter 2013. The final chapter. The baby was now 2 and she had made new friends. She had been going out more and more and without me. Her confidence was back, her body bounced back to normal and she was alive again. Slowly she began to exclude me from her activities. I bought her an iphone (worst idea ever) and I began to notice her activity on the phone completely rise and at all hours of the night. My paranoia began to affect me. I had dreams of her rejecting me, treating me like I wasn't even around and completely making me feel invisible. Nightmares. Multiple nightmares. But my subconscious mind could tell that this was coming. During this time I was pursuing other endeavors outside the ad agency, Randi had been fired for quite some time (no fault of mine) and I didn't even care about Zara anymore. I wanted to be the family guy. The man to protect and love what was special to me. But I had missed that opportunity.

    I was involved in fashion and had an opportunity to move to NYC with my business partner. My plan was to start a 6 month plan and eventually move my family up there. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I was nervous but was willing to test myself and see if this was the rite of passage I had been searching for. I asked Jo if she thought we could make it through this and she gave me her blessing. But deep down she took this as me abandoning them. I moved up on February and one of the hardest month and a half of my life began. I would think about her constantly. Notice her pictures on Instagram when she would go out. Take pictures and find a random guy in there with her. Our phone conversations were very short, she would not be affectionate at all and almost have a distaste in talking to me. I could not work. I was constantly thinking about her. Depressed and alone, I told my business partner I had to go back. I was considering marrying her and told him abo ut it. I sent her flowers and she never really mentioned anything. When the thought of marriage came, my friend (who was the one that introduced us and was also my business partner ) talked to her discretely about the idea and she told him that she wasn't ready and hoped I would not propose. He said it pained him to tell me but he rather it hurt now and not be embarrassed. In our earlier years, she would constantly say she wanted to get married. She worked at a bridal shop, had the dress picked up and everything. Now she was repulsed by the idea and rightfully so. I had done so much wrong up until this point. Karma was in full force.

    I moved back and tried to make things work. She was now living a new life it seemed. Constantly going out on the weekends, not invite me, talk on the phone with different people all the time and just keep me on the side. It was awful. I was so insecure, depressed, sad, angry, and losing control. At one point I had to help her with her iphone and found a text from a guy she was talking to. She ran to the bathroom and closed herself shut. I was so weak and desperate because I did not want to lose her. The old me would of taken this as an excuse to rid myself of her but now I could not live without her. We had been through so much but she had finally decided to shut off her emotions towards me and slowly cut me out.

    October 27th, 2013. A Halloween party we attended "mutually" was taking place. I met up with her there and expected to hang out with her. Like old times. Not as parents or anything but as a couple. A couple that had fun together. But this was all an illusion. She treated me exactly as I had dreamt it. A stranger. She would talk to guy friends I had never even met and not even introduce me. I vividly remember her introducing me to someone as her "friend" and when I confronted her about it she totally denied it, but I wasn't drunk and am not deaf. It was a horrible experience. I felt so unwanted and rejected. I made her come to the car and talk to me and I asked her to stop doing this as I had before. She was so dead, cold, and unapproachable that I could not even take the pain anymore. I told her to just please break up with me because I was not able to. And that's exactly what she did. Just that. Ended it.

    I lost my identity. I was so distraught and grief stricken by everything. It seemed unreal. I moved out. Found a random house to live in and attempted to dust myself of. I could not. She seemed ok by everything. I cried each night I would leave my job to go home to an empty house by myself. I became more paranoid at her social media that for my sanity I took her off. Before we broke up, she randomly decided to manage a DJ. She knew nothing about electronic music or managing. After we had broken up I found on her laptop a message that they had been messing around. It killed me even more. That she had moved on so quickly and relentlessly. I was helpless and alone.

    Since I was the primary bread winner at the house, I continued to pay some of the bills. I tried to talk to her multiple times about us, but all she would state is that she doesn't know what she wants. I did not understand it. I was in limbo. Sometimes she would be affectionate towards me and kiss me or we would have sex and tell me things like "you still have control over me" and other times she seemed so distant and aloof. My purgatory was everywhere. I did not know what to do. I want her back but I don't know how to approach it. I wish she would just tell me why we can't work out or what we can do to move forward and start all over again. I found out so much dirty laundry during this period. Like she was talking to a guy when I moved back from NYC and mentioned me to him as an 'EX'. She had been emotionally disconnected for quite some time but was unwilling to do anything because she was afraid of making it on her own. During the last two years of our relations hip she asked me to help a guy cousin of hers to move in with us and out of his moms house. I did so because it was her family. He continues to be there and I don't think the loneliness has impacted her as much as it has me because she has him and our daughter.

    I now sit here, 9 days away from 3 months of being split and trying to cope and learn from all this. Embracing my suffering. When I'm around her sometimes I get really sad, depressed or really short and blunt. I want to be happy again and keep things light and airy because that's the energy state she's in right now and that's the best possibility of me winning her back. I made so many mistakes and will forever have these scars but I feel as if she has made me into a better person. I don't know if she's going through a phase similar to mine but I am completely helpless in anything to persuade her. My biggest fear is that so much time will pass that I will just be a dream, an afterthought, and a thing of the past. I fell in love with her because of her heart and am so afraid that someone else will fill my place.

    She has mentioned that she wants to make new memories with me but that right now she doesn't know. She sees me in her future but she doesn't know what she wants right now. I have frequently tried talking to her about the issue and I'm sure the pressure is pushing her away even more, as she has mentioned to me multiple times. I have to have more self control with my emotions. I am learning to be comfortable with uncomfortable situations. I am talking to other girls now but it seems empty and vapid when what I want does not want me in return. I held on too loosely at first and then held on too tightly towards the end and now she has removed herself. I pray for patience, strength, courage, and luck because I do believe it's possible for people to change. I changed. I am not the same man I once was. I care for her and her heart. My drive became my family and now that has changed.

    During the last month of our relationship she started out of no where managing a "DJ". I thought it weird because she knew nothing about that type of job and especially the music. THey would talk on the phone and it would really irk me. The breakup occurred and they continued to talk. During our break up, I would (too often) talk about our relationship and she would tell me that she's not trying to date or be in a relationship with anyone. Months have passed since then and I have heard from others that they are seen around town and what really killed me was when I found out that she was taking my daughter to have icecream with him. To me, this is a big step if a woman is introducing a new man into my daughters life. I feel so helpless and guilty but also am beginning to not continue to blame myself. I did a lot of messed up things but I also did a lot of good things. I guess it's just her finally refusing to deal with it anymore and seeing that there are other options out there. During the breakup I would give her rides ( she has no car) to work and even let her borrow my car to go out with her girlfriends. I found out on facebook that on one of these nights she actually was hanging out with him and her friends and that really pissed me off. Now I feel like I'm being played. I guess it's just my karma. I hope one day we can try again because I am not the same person I was.

    Don't let time pass you by with someone you are sort of in love with. Make a whole hearted decision to either be with someone that loves you or let them go so you can find the person that will make you grow internally. I think about her everyday, have to see her everyday. We have gone out on dates during the week but she never invites me out on Saturdays, when her mom takes care of the baby but she just goes with her friends. She mentioned that I don't get along with her friends (which I didn't because I felt they were partly to blame in persuading her to leave me ) and that she doesn't know how I will react if a guy friend comes up and talks to her, or why she would want to be around someone that's either depressed or angry. And shes right. It's still too soon for me. If I want a chance at us working out again, the old relationship has to die first. It's gone. My happiness has to happen first and my comfort has to be unwavering around her. I am doing everything to change that. Self help books, meditation, mental exercises, etc. Sometimes it seems that this would be easier if I never had to see her again, or if she told me that this will never work out. But she has said neither which unfortunately instills a false sense of hope within me.

    Please, if you lasted all this read and have suggestions or similar stories, don't be afraid to talk. Love is such a powerful yet sensitive dance that we sometimes get lost in it's beauty and grasp on too tight. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe that's why I felt the way I did during the early years of the relationship. But my love for her continues. And I know she loves me, she's just not IN love with me, or us. I hope life brings us back together again and forever because it is through her and my daughter that I encountered the fears I need to overcome.

  2. #2
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    Yeah it looks like you screwed up and failed not only with her but with yourself too. What matters now is that you acknowledged your mistakes and you are trying to grow from that.

    You didn't post the coca cola speech link

  3. #3
    Bronze Member villagehero's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jonyyy
    Yeah it looks like you screwed up and failed not only with her but with yourself too. What matters now is that you acknowledged your mistakes and you are trying to grow from that.

    You didn't post the coca cola speech link

    Here is the speech....or the important part of it:

    “Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – Work, Family, Health, Friends and Spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the Air.

    You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four Balls – Family, Health, Friends and Spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these; they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for it.”


    and yes...I did fail her and myself. She continues to be friendly towards me and I sometimes feel shimmers of love from her but right now it's too painful for me to continue wishing for her to come back especially if she's even mildly dating someone. I hope life brings us back together as I really feel in my heart we balance each other out but the old relationship has to die in my heart before that can even be attempted, and that's only happening if I purposefully shut my emotions off. She's been moved on and for quite some time and so much so that she can be in the same room as me and not bat an eye at our situation.
    Last edited by villagehero; 02-13-2014 at 12:21 PM.

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    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    You can't wish for her to come back --- you need to re-engage in your relationship to draw her back.
    Life doesn't have a will/direction. Humans do -- so an effort must be made.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member villagehero's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mhowe
    You can't wish for her to come back --- you need to re-engage in your relationship to draw her back.
    Life doesn't have a will/direction. Humans do -- so an effort must be made.
    In order to re-engage I must give her space and time for her to really sort her things out. But more importantly I have to dig myself out of this grieving stage so that we can at least began anew, without any preconceived notions. There are times when she breadcrumbs me and I completely succomb. Just last week we had sex but I feel as if it was just her trying to get her fix and me attempting to connect emotionally. She still considers me someone very important in her life and is willing to even say I'm family but I don't feel as such. A family is not two households and two separate hearts. THe worst part about all this is that she doesn't have a car and I have been giving her rides and that means time with her which doesn't help me at all but I also don't want to leave her stranded.....sometimes I Just want to say it's not my responsibility and that she should go ask the dude she's talking to for rides...stop coming to me for that.

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    Ah yeah that's a great image. I would say that the Friends ball is made of rubber too. People change, come and go in your life.

    But tell me something, how is it that there were times where you were ready to leave her, but now you want to be with her again so strongly? How does that work?

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    Your story is really sad.

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    Bronze Member villagehero's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jonyyy
    Ah yeah that's a great image. I would say that the Friends ball is made of rubber too. People change, come and go in your life.

    But tell me something, how is it that there were times where you were ready to leave her, but now you want to be with her again so strongly? How does that work?
    It's one of those mysteries of life I guess.......maybe it was maturity or the old adage of wanting what we can't have. I believe it has to do with the idea of how she made me into a better man by sticking with me through ball my bs and finally understanding what it means to have purpose and drive for the people you love. It's funny, I used to jokes around with my friends when we first started dating and say "I wish I met her when I was 27 that way I got all my fun out of the way and was mentally ready and mature"...

    Oh the irony..

  10. #9
    Bronze Member villagehero's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=jenbrooks;5961536]Your story is really sad.

    I know and it is full of moments of happiness also. But it is quite dramatic.

    Today we talked on the phone because I told her that I wish for her to only contact me if it is related with our daughter....and not for anything else.

    She called me later and wanted to talk and stated that she can't have me not in her life and how she always worries about me and wants to talk to me because I'm her best friend and that no one knows her like I do.

    I replied that I needed time to heal because it's hard to imagine her Dating anyone in which she said he's not dating anyone and she told the DJ that she's not interested in a relationship right now and if anything she's cold and numb (yet they hang out and party yadda yadda)

    The phone conversation was basically her saying that she needs me to be hard and strong again because I'm broken (no ....heartbroken) and that she wants me to be ok and for us to grow again organically...

    I'm going to therapy soon and she continued to say she was willing to go with me but I feel like if she's not ready to reconcile then why do we need to go talk about our feelings when she has no intention of working it out...

    I'm so confused. On the phone se actually cried which is something I haven't heard her do since the breakup.....maybe it's because I finally decided to really distance myself. I want my family back but I want her to want me back and not because I'm pleading or out of pity. I feel a deep sense of hope that one day we can try Again but as many have mentioned it's that hope that can be deceiving.

    So confused.....but at least I'm slowly climbing out of limbo.

  11. #10
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    Let her go - you hurt her enough already.
    You don't know who you are or what to do with your life. You chose to open your eyes and set your selfishness apart only when it was too little too late.
    Move on and let her go. She deserves a life.

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