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Thread: 9 years and a child.....karma is 10 fold.

  1. #11
    Bronze Member villagehero's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lerenard
    Let her go - you hurt her enough already.
    You don't know who you are or what to do with your life. You chose to open your eyes and set your selfishness apart only when it was too little too late.
    Move on and let her go. She deserves a life.
    I agree that taking time apart to both work on my inner self and to heal are necessary. Letting her go completely is just something my soul cannot do. Just today she gave me a Valentine's day card (though it was from my daughter) and in it she said:

    P.S I will always love you

    clearly she doesn't hate my guts. Especially when yesterday I told her that I need her to only contact me if discussing my daughter and nothing else so that I can have time to heal and become strong again. She got sentimental and sad when the thought of not being able to speak to me came about, so another piece of evidence that she does love me still. It might not be the right time for us and I admit that I need to work on myself (insecurities, emotions, finances, etc..) and she too needs space to really sort her life out and determine where she is headed as this was also a troublesome thought and a cause for my rebelliousness against her but at this point it's best to just limit my contact with her and mentally grow and mature once more.

    I found the guide posted here:



    to really coincide with what my spirit was telling me. Healing needs to happen. Even at the risk of her finding someone new. But she's stated that she is in a cold place and doesn't want any sort of relationship right now. Wether that's true or not time will tell but again, I at least have forward progress.

  2. #12
    Bronze Member villagehero's Avatar
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    Small update. I know most of you probably didn't read the first page as it was extremely long and drawn out and I apologize for that as it was a very emotional moment when I typed it all out. But here is where all of this stands right now:

    After finding out that she has been spending time with the DJ guy and bringing my daughter around to go get ice-cream, I decided that I needed to shut my emotions off and completely detach myself from her. I want to have her back in my life but unfortunately was and sort of still confused as to go about this.

    For valentines I had planned to do something symbolic and not entirely romantic but more so as a sort of a cleanse for both of us. I purchased 10 Chinese lanterns and took her to a rooftop with a great view of the city. I also wrote her two poems that really described how I will forever love her and carry a scar for having hurt her all those years. It was a windy but clear night and she enjoyed it. She stated it was one of the most romantic things I had ever done for her. Afterwards we went and grabbed some ice cream then went home. That's when things went south.

    Apparently she had made plans with her girlfriends to go out that night and celebrate, I guess, being single. We are down to one car as she has none (which has been very difficult in creating space for us...needed space) and I had to work at 4 am that night. She was going to drive me to work and then use the car to take herself to work that morning. Since we had no sitter and it was around midnight she really couldn't get picked up and go. She asked me to use her car but since I had made up my mind that I would not continue letting her use my car if it's not for work or daughter related and because I found out one time that she had met up with the DJ one of the nights I let her use my car. For the first time I really saw anxiety and panic in her. She wanted to go. I could tell. But I have to draw boundaries somewhere, right? I mean she's getting the benefits of a boyfriend but none of the responsibilities of a girlfriend. The night did not end well and she was upset that I was being selfish but I look at it as me not wanting to sit there and not be able to sleep because of the possibility of her getting with this dude or whatever. I was completely operating out of fear and insecurity but something told me to stand up for myself.

    The next day she sends me a text stating that yes, we should not have a relationship outside of our daughter and I replied yes so we it gives us a chance to heal to which she so rudely replied:
    "Healing has nothing to do with it.....we're done and that's it"

    man was this a crushing blow. Later that day she asked if I could please give her a ride to her mom's so she could pick up her car and because usually she takes her daughter to spend the night with her mom on saturdays. It was an akward ride and she seemed upset. Prior to that we had exchanged text and something that really stuck out to me was one piece of information she said:

    "You don't know how to make me happy"

    and this was such a profound truth. I had forgotten how to make her happy. During our relationship I was so insecure and stressed that when she would go out I would complain (especially since I would not be invited....mainly due to me being in a down mood when we would go out) and that was her way of being her. When we first met she was a fun, goofy, silly, and care free girl that just enjoyed having fun. She wasn't all over men, she wasn't getting drunk, she just liked having a good time. And I had forgotten how to nurture that.

    I have been doing meditation classes and today we did a meditation class on compassion for others. One of the things the teacher told us to visualize was every one of our enemies or people that make us feel uncomfortable. I visualized her, the dj, and all her girlfriends ( who really don't like me). We were to take all of our negative fears and breathe out positive and compassionate ones and to see the people in front of you happy. We all have the same heart in that we want the same thing: peace and happiness.

    A piece of me still wants to continue to fight for her and make us whole again. I know now that this whole time I had been unable to love her the way she need to be loved because I was not happy with myself. During the meditation sesssion, I saw her happy and it brought a deep sense of peace, even momentarily, within me. This will definitely take some work on my end and until she's married I am going to continue to have hope. The side of me that has been lost, the fun, carefree, silly side has been overrun by this overly sensitive, emotional and moody spirit that I want to rid myself of forever.

    I'm going to love her from a distance and let myself grow internally. I want to create a life that she wants to be a part of. We have a daughter together and I thank God that we do because that is the bond that keeps us together, even by the thinnest thread. The key to her heart is laughter and joy. Loving her unconditionally means I have to be ok with her dating other men because I don't own her and she is entitled to that. She's fun, beautiful, and very positive. Who would'nt want to date that.

    If anyone has any comments or similar experiences please share. The power of hope is a double edged sword but I want to go to my grave knowing that I truly truly never gave up until the very end. I need this time for me again. To become the man I need to be. A fun, charismatic, responsible, and charming man who loves his woman and understands the key to her heart.
    This whole time I was trying to win her back but I was completely overlooking as to why I lost her in the first place.

  3. #13
    Bronze Member villagehero's Avatar
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    At this point I'm treating this as a journal for myself in order to really put my thoughts out and remove them out of my head since them sitting there taking up space won't really do much.

    Last night I was working and got off work around 11pm. She called twice but I decided not to pick up. Of course it was her asking me to please take her to work as her car was still not ready. I only texted back about an hour later with details about what time I would arrive and what not.

    Next day (today) I arrive at around 7:30am and she and my daughter are still sleeping. I noticed a bouquet of roses on the dining room table and of course they are from the guy she's been talking to. Before this would of destroyed me to pieces and I would of operated out of fear and anger, but ever since I have been really looking inward for my own happiness and after yesterday's meditation session, the impact was not as detrimental. I have to continue to operate out of love and compassion, regardless of what obstacles present themselves. It was a kind gesture of him and any pretty girl deserves beautiful flowers but let's not beat around the bush for him to do go out of his way to do this means he is really interested in her and she obviously has been sparking something with him for the two of them to be at this point. Again, before this would of crushed me. Now I'm slowly realizing the value of my worth and that yes, I am a catch regardless of who the person I used to be.

    I went into the bedroom and found her sleeping. I gently woke her up so she could get ready to go to work. She woke up looking scared and immediately came to my arms and gave me what was a 5 minute hug. She said she was having a nightmare and was happy to see me. I just caressed her, told her it's ok, and said don't worry it was just a dream. My heart wanted to express itself fully but all I said was a simple "i love you" and she replied back I Love you as well.

    I made her breakfast, spent time with my daughter and we left to take her to work. In the car, I was super chill, felt good about myself mainly due to how I am reacting towards the whole roses thing. No drama during the car ride, just chit chat and occasional laughter. She mentioned something that kind of took me by surprise but I played it off. She stated "lately you've been on my mind a lot" or something to that nature. I jokingly replied "uh oh, did I do something wrong" and she said "no, you've just been on my mind".....

    Breadcrumbs?? Possibly. But I know deep down inside she still loves me and cares for us. A week or so ago when we talked about the relationship she mentioned that she enjoys hanging out with The DJ but that she doesn't love him. At this point I take everything with a grain of salt because the fact still remains that they spend time together and she broke up with me. Regardless I am beginning to truly find the strength that I need within me to make it through this. Eventually I want to ask her on a date but I need a little more time to create some more space and distance and to fully become a better version of myself. Operate with compassion and kindness and always and I mean ABSOLUTELY ALWAYS:

    "EVERY DAY STAND GUARD AT THE DOOR OF YOUR MIND"

    Life changes. People change. Worry about your mental stability and cultivate thoughts of positivity and you will slowly, but surely, find a small ounce of peace and strength, one day at a time, that was not there before. I'm slowly seeing that if she wants to be a part of my life romantically it can only happen if I am in such a positive state of mind that nothing can affect me anymore.

    For those of you still reading, thanks so much. This at least helps me focus on what's really important. Inner peace and happiness. Be strong, everyone!!

  4. #14
    Bronze Member villagehero's Avatar
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    It's funny how this whole process is really a reflection of how our minds are so entangled with it's own thoughts. Granted, attachment is the main reason for the hurt and pain we all experience but I believe it also comes down to the unproductive dialogue we continuously have with our selves on every snippet and detail.

    Should we do this? Should we do that? What if she's doing this? What if I lose that? How can I accomplish this? When should I do that?

    This reflects our wild, untrained mind and the endless circles we run ourselves into. I am a testament to this as I keep thinking about everything, reading about everything, yet time wasted is all I continue to do. Not saying that thoughts are wrong, but the frequency in which we let these moments daze us is such a deterrent to healing.

    I've found that the only way to combat or push back is to do the very thing that started the thoughts.....only direct them and engage them on the positivity currently surround you. Pull yourself out of the maddening void that is the mental dungeon of your mind. See everything as is, accept it, breathe, and focus your mind like a spotlight on something else. It's the only way for you to take this opportune moment in life to upgrade your mental and internal health.

    So now on to the update with my ex.


    Last night I picked her up from work again. The ride home was amazing. She complimented me, saying I look handsome. I should of replied you as well but a simple thank you as all. No drama or anything. Simply a calm and fun ride home. She asked if I wanted to stay for dinner with them and I agreed. While she was making dinner I went and got an oil change on my car. Dinner time and we all sat down and she even said a prayer. We held the baby's hand but not each other's hand and she prayed for "good health, fortune, and love to our family, even if we are an interesting family right now"...

    This prayer actually began to push my mind down the void of sadness because of the chord that it struck. I didn't let it pull me down completely and I was cordial during dinner but I could tell it affected me and I believe so could she. Dinner was over and then she asked me to help her with something in the bathroom. It was something with her hair and what not so I did. During that time we were staring at each other and all of a sudden an instinctual rush to kiss her just overcame me. I slowly moved in and kissed her. I could feel the hesitation but she kissed me back, even for a bit.

    She said I thought I wanted to only contact her about our daughter and that she doesn't want me to be any more confused. I replied looking straight at her "I'm not confused at all, I know what I want and I know what I'm fighting for......." then I said "You belong to me, no matter who you're dating or receiving flowers from. That doesn't matter. I know that you still belong to me". She shockingly replied with a very timid "I know.."

    Trying to change the topic, I asked if it's cool if I still take you out on dates? She laughed I won't ever say no to a free meal. Then got serious and said "Just as long as we don't talk about why we broke up." I looked at her straight in the eye and said don't worry I know why we broke up and understand completely. The night ended I went home and meditated, read some books, read the forum, played guitar, and fell asleep.

    For quite some time she has not had a car and I have been there in the mornings to make sure I take her to work and take my child to day care. It's a difficult task because it is such a nostalgic activity of us as a family, yet with new boundaries obviously.
    Today I arrived a bit earlier because I was going to let her take my car since I had to work but could take public transportation to get there. I basically got there, she just started taking a shower and I began getting everything ready. Taking charge. She really appreciated the help and while I was in the kitchen getting the baby's food ready she hugged me and said thank you so much and of course I smoothly said you know I got your back.

    I know she's still in there. It's a matter of letting her fall in love with me SLOWLY. Sometimes I stress and worry that I'm losing her to this guy and that urgency is needed but I have to put those thoughts out of my mind and realize that it's my family and that 9 years is not easily erased. Continue to project the value of my worth and the rest won't matter. I began writing this post because the thoughts of them together began to flood my mind and I knew that I had to reinforce my self and remind myself of all the good I had done. More work is definitely needed on my end and I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow but I almost have to become indifferent to the fact of the guy in her life. Don't let it instill fear. Be a smooth warrior and have an unwavering, sharp as a knife mind.

    On a totally different note, this Brazilian girl that I've always thought was really hot and always ignored me because she knew I had a gf is having dinner with me on Thursday to "catch up." This is where I can sharpen my courting skills and really develop the confidence that I need to know that there are other women I can indeed go after but I'm choosing my ex. I am single, after all and if she's entitled to play then so am I.

    I often wonder if a little fear instilled within my ex might be a good thing. Meaning she needs to see that I, too, have other women interested and that I am indeed an Alpha male. It will take a while for the needy image I created in the first months of the break up to wash away but I'll be damned if I ever break down like that again.

    Focus. Everyday. Feed your mind. Feed your body. Feed your soul. I still think we need a little bit more distance but I at least know that she still thinks about me and that her heart has not COMPLETELY moved on. I thank God everyday for my daughter because not only is she my greatest strength, she is also the thread that still keeps us together. Even if that thread is extremely thin right now.

    Lol guys please reply or say something otherwise this will turn into a classic Xanga journal haha.

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  6. #15
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    Can I just say your last couple of posts are just so heart warming, your strength is incredible. I wish I could find the peace you are able to find with your whole situation. I wish I had the opportunity you had to still have my ex in my life, to have a chance to win her back.

    I think you are doing so well, taking it super slowly, not pushing, taking care of yourself. I hope your first date goes well. Remember, its a new relationship though! Treat it like one

    Good luck!

  7. #16
    Bronze Member villagehero's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Aaron Hodges
    Can I just say your last couple of posts are just so heart warming, your strength is incredible. I wish I could find the peace you are able to find with your whole situation. I wish I had the opportunity you had to still have my ex in my life, to have a chance to win her back.

    I think you are doing so well, taking it super slowly, not pushing, taking care of yourself. I hope your first date goes well. Remember, its a new relationship though! Treat it like one

    Good luck!
    Hey Aaron thanks so much for your reply!

    Honestly, my strength came from realizing that I could not go down any further. That I was at a point where even if I WANTED to cry I couldn't because there where no more tears left. Seeing that I am the only one who has my best interest at hand, I decided that I have to pull myself out of this. Days come in waves. Moods go up and down. But slowly and steady I remain poised to climb out of this place that caused all of my suffering. It's so cliche but it really is true, take time for you and find out who YOU are deep down inside. Not the person you are towards other people. The person you are when you are in your room. Alone. And with no one calling or asking about you. When there is a deafening silence in the room. I've always loved the quote:

    "It is in true silence that you find your inner voice"

    Listen to that voice. Learn to recognize it and continue to nurture it. I know I still have a chance, even if it's for a bit but none of that matters if the person I once was is still an issue. I wish the best for you my friend and really learn who the true you is. And do everything in your power to make it a better version.

    You 2.0
    Last edited by villagehero; 02-18-2014 at 06:20 PM.

  8. #17
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    You 2.0, I like the sound of that Although I'd settle for getting back the guy I was before my 3 year relationship!

    Its so difficult for me, because for those first two months I thought I did have a chance to win her back. I worked on fixing everything she'd said was wrong with the relationship - getting out, getting active, having fun again, communicating with her how much I supported her decision to go tour with the circus. We had some really good talks, and she said maybe she didn't want it to be forever. And I told her I would continue to fix myself, and that in a few months I would be coming after her. She smiled and nodded at that.

    But ignored her half of the story. That she hadn't communicated her problems with me until the circus came up (and even then it took me an hour to get her to admit it was about more than the circus). Even worse, I ignored the relationship she had developed with her acrobatic partner. I didn't want to see that all the hours she was spending with him training, eating lunch together, etc etc had seriously been undermining our own connection. And that he was the real real reason she was breaking up with me. And now they are dating, working every day together, a long way away from me. So as much as I wish there was hope, I just don't see her ever coming back. And if she did, I don't know if I could ever trust her, or forgive her.


    So there is just me now! And to be honest, at this point, I cannot stand the silence. I'm still trying to find that guy I used to be. But everything you're doing, its so amazing how strong you've been. I hope one day I can find that same strength!

  9. #18
    Bronze Member villagehero's Avatar
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    It's interesting that you reference someone stepping in to her life and causing her to wonder and develop something with him. My ex had a similar situation when she was going out so much that she met a new group of friends and met a DJ. Out of nowhere she decides to start "managing" him and thy began spending a lot of time together. It definitely made her decision to break up with me a lot easier but her heart was not in it anymore because I was not making her feel loved and protected. I was in a very fearful and needy state of mind and women usually don't make a decision over night. It was a process and I was not willing to change myself and see the way in which me trying so hard to pull her in was actually pulling her away!

    And also I believe sometimes we have to be willing to lose something to gain something better in return. I talked to a friend last night who is also friends with my ex and she told him that yes she is talking to someone and it only confirms that she had been ready to move on.

    The news wasn't a shock as much as a confirmation that I cannot keep looking back. But I'm also not going to stop trying to win my family back. Women start to notice a man who's feelings are unclear. I can't stop the fact that she's dating someone, but that won't stop the fact that I'm still in her life. You have to arrive at a point of indifference. And if she's far away and with someone else then learn to let go. Grieve, cry, yell, scream do whatever it takes to get those emotions out. And when you can cry no more and cannot go any further down, start your ascend. Climb and pull yourself up.

    Next Tuesday I'm going to take her out on a date. The most important thing is to not talk about my feelings or old relationship. My spiritual warrior is awakening. He's not at 100% but he's not down and out anymore. Love yourself first man. Be selfish. Become James Bond again. Bring yourself back to your masculine center and stay there. Then start going out and meet other women. You're not ready, but if you nurture you first and nothing else, your spirit will respond with the strength that you have been lacking.

    Chin up, chest out, head high. Know the value of your worth and the universe will respond in kind.

    Be blessed!

  10. #19
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    Yeah, my cousin seems to think a lot of girls will often have another guy waiting in the wings. I don't know how true that is, but I certainly could never have imagined my ex being someone like that.

    For me, it was such a convoluted breakup. First she found out she'd gotten into the circus for a 7 month tour, we had some very emotional talks about breaking up, and I asked her if there was more to it than the circus. She insisted there wasn't, but after talking for another hour reasons started to come out. Nothing too serious, but I see now in hindsight they were things the other guy had been giving her for months.

    We didn't breakup then. For two weeks I tried to show her that we could fix those problems. But instead of trying as well she pulled away, she started lying, spending more time with him, and just generally treating me like crap. Then after two weeks we broke up. I was devastated, but after a couple of days I pulled myself up off the couch and continued working on myself. Over the next month we had LC, met a couple of times for coffee, talked about things. Things were even starting to look positive when we went to a mutual friends wedding. We had a little dance together (I showed her some of the dance moves I'd been learning) and went for a walk later in the night. She talked about having no idea what she wanted after the circus, I told her that I believed she could do anything she set her mind to.
    At the end of our walk I asked her if she wanted this to be forever. She said maybe not. I told her that I wanted to spend a few months working on myself, and after that if it would be ok to come after her. She smiled and said that would be nice. She even played with my suit jacket, and it felt like everything would work out all right.

    The next week she started dating the other guy. It took another month for her to admit that to me. It devastated me, because suddenly everything that she'd been doing before the breakup made so much more sense. Despite all her promises, she'd become far to involved with him. I sent her an email basically saying she had betrayed my trust during the relationship, told her I would always love who she'd been, but wouldn't spend any more energy on who she was now. Haven't heard from her since.

    I still have no idea what was going through her head at the wedding.

    Sorry, I hope you don't mind my posting my story in your thread. The whole thing still confuses me. I hope you're right about the whole losing something to get something better. In actual fact from a logical point of view my life is now much better, because I'm forcing myself to get out and live it. But the weight of her loss and betrayal is always there. It really is a matter of taking one step after another and climbing that mountain. Maybe when I reach the top, the weight won't be so bad.

    Good luck on your date. From what I've read, you're going to be ok. I think day by day you are showing her the confident, attractive guy she fell for is still inside. I think the confidence you showed in her bathroom that night is worth so much more than whatever the other guy could give her. Just beware things don't go to fast, she needs to get to know the new you, to realise that old you is no longer around, that she can be more happy than she ever was starting a new relationship with you.

    I wish I had been given the even playing field you have, but I don't, so all I can say is I wish you luck Be bold, be cautious, be whatever the situation calls for.

    You can do it

  11. #20
    Bronze Member villagehero's Avatar
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    No worries man. I know that talking about these things is very much a therapeutic act especially when you can engage someone who's in a similar situation. Keep focusing on you and life shall reward you in kind.

    Now for another update on my end:

    I continue to demonstrate the stronger version of myself and the strength that I have slowly acquired. I went to my therapy session and found some amazing insight as to who I am. My mindset was to go in and talk about my relationship but she brought to light a lot of issues that go even deeper than this relationship! Something that caught my attention was the codependancy factor and that all my life I have been going from "raft to raft" and that I have never really taken or been taught to learn to stand on my own. Something else to figure out lol.

    Today I signed up my daughter for health care because she dropped the ball and did not reapply. I noticed that she was more sweet and open and even asked to "rub noses" which I replied no I have to finish this to which she replied "yea it's probably not a good idea.."

    After I was finished I looked at her and said "give me a kiss" to which we had another make out session. Again, confirms that she still has feelings for me but the night before something made think about this whole situation from another angle.

    Since I let her use my car and she was picking me up from work, she drove down. There where protesters on the street for the venezuelan thing and she parked the car quickly and then told me " i'l be back im going to go say hi to some friends...." I IMMEDIATELY knew that it was to go see him. She grabbed a stick of gum out of her purse and ran over....

    She likes this guy. There is no love there but attraction for sure. People have told me that yes they have seen them together at clubs and yes they have seen them kissing. I'm beginning to question wether what she's feeding me me now is based out of "love" or the fear of losing me and not having that "security"...

    It's such a difficult thing to measure. A mutual friend of mine talked to me on the phone and told me that he had talked to her. She did in fact mentioned that she was talking to someone but that it was nothing serious and that she told him that she has moved on.

    I think I need to maybe pull back a little bit? I don't know if her really seeing the void of me not being there will help her make a decision or will push her away.....but I guess I have to stick to what I said about losing something to gain everything.

    I'm confused right now. Do i get angry? Do I push back? or do I continue to act as if this whole thing with this guy doesn't bother me and continue to court her. damn it right now is one of those moments where I am feeling at a loss....and slightly weak. Do I keep fighting for my family? But if she's engaging this guy in such a way that he's sending her flowers, I'm clearly the one only fighting. But then why the hell does she want to go on a date with me.....

    I can't operate out of co-dependancy. I can't let this fear sink in. Damn it I wish there was a blueprint for all of these things..

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