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Thread: How to get back with depressed ex-boyfriend

  1. #1
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    How to get back with depressed ex-boyfriend

    This is my first post, and I came here for advice and guidance on how to handle what is happening in my relationship with the boyfriend that I love.

    A little background, my boyfriend (I guess I have to say ex now) were together for 7 months. I know that isn't long compared to a lot of relationships, but it was a very strong relationship and we were doing very well. We both have a lot in common, yet enough differences to learn from each other. We became close very quickly, enough for me to know that I fell for him. But he lost his job a couple months ago and things started changing, even after he got a new one just a few weeks later.

    I knew he was struggling was something with something but everytime I tried to ask him he either said he was just stressed or in a "funk", so I just accepted it as that. He never brought up depression, though I remember in a conversation with a mutual friend he did mention he had tried anti-depressants once and that they didnt work, but he never brought that up with me so I respected that and didn't want to pry and make him feel uncomfortable. I tried to be there for him and do everything I could think of to help him but he never really told me what was going on and it felt like he was just saying easy things so I would have something to fix.

    One night we got in an argument. He had been so distant lately, so out of character and wasn't talking to me so I lost my temper and yelled at him. I just recently went through a cancer scare and a struggle with shingles at a young age. I told him that what was he so sad about and told him that he needed to snap out of it. (now I realize that those are huge no-nos, but like I said I wasn't aware the depression was what was going on at this time)

    The next day he broke up with me saying things like "I don't know whats wrong with me", "Im not what you need" I tried to argue but he just gave up and I was too busy crying to really fight it. I decided a week later that I would write a letter to him telling him how important he was to me, how I loved him, and just wanted a chance to understand what was going on. I gave the letter to a mutual friend who gave it to him. He refused to answer me and told that friend that he didn't want to talk to me. I became very angry and texted him a very angry and hurtful message because I was hurt and didn't know what else to do. It was enough where he blocked my number. I knew it was wrong to do but at the time I was blaming myself and I was tired of that so I thought if I yelled at him he would respond with what was really going on.

    Now I know he is struggling with depression after looking at all the signs and what people have told me that work with him that we know in common. I feel awful for what I said and he knows that I do. I've been trying to reach out to him and I've apologized to him, even in person because we ran into each other at the store. He said he knew I was sorry and was open to talking again yet he has still not responded to my messages.

    I know I made my mistakes, but at the same time I didn't understand what was wrong, I didn't know the severity of his depression. What is the best way to talk to him, while apologizing for my mistakes but also letting him realize that I felt like I was in the dark and didn't know what else to do at the time. I don't want depression to be what ends an amazing relationship. He seems to be doing okay at work and he talks to mutual friends but he is avoiding me and some of his family members. Is there any chance of salvaging the relationship? And what are things I should and should not say if we do decide to sit and talk. One thing I hadn't told him and was debating on telling him was my experience in an abusive relationship years ago and how that affected me for years and made me push things away for a long time. Is that a good idea, or would that make the talk worse? Should I be the first to say that I think its depression?

    Should I try to stay in contact with him? One thing I did was I remember he showed me road in the country and he told me that he drove down it when he felt stressed or sad. I found the road and posted two signs saying that I care about him and I will always be there for him. Was that a good idea? Or did I encroach on his personal space and make things worse.

    But mostly I need help calming down. The guilt from what I said to him and the possibility that I made the depression worse is killing me. I can't sleep, eating is minimal and I can't stop thinking about him or what I want to say to him. I know I have to give him time but I feel like too much is going end it. I know he feels alone right now and that he is struggling just to do normal things and puts on a face for everyone else, and I know he is pushing me away because he feels like he is hurting me the most, but all I want to do his hold his hand, tell him that I'm there for him and work with him through this because I know there is an end and that we can work on it together

    Thanks

    Any advice is greatly appreciated
    Last edited by strongbutlost; 02-07-2014 at 05:37 PM.

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    It will just hurt you, leave scars, and waste valuable time to try to date him unless heralds responsibility for treating his illness. It would be a huge mistak that you will regret to think there's anything you can do to help him - this is something he needs to manage with his doctor and therapist. If he's doing any less than that, stay away.

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    OK, as somebody who broke up with his Gf because of depression, the only thing that will make it better is if he gets help for himself. You won't be able to save him until he himself asks for some and does the work. Where he's at is this, he has no self worth and probably thinks he is saving you from himself. He needs professional help, trust me it works. I hope he can pull himself out because I know where he's at. I know you love him, but you can't save those who won't save themselves. It'll just drag you down. It sucks I know, but that's the way it is.

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    The worst part is that I know he is out with friends and seems to be at least acting like he is enjoying himself, and he is getting a new place with a friend of his and finally getting out of his parent's house. Yet I'm the one who is crying and wondering if can ever be happy around me

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Two observations. First is that you seem to have quite a temper and lash out hard when you are not getting what you want. Second, you've gone into full stalker mode (letters, getting blocked but still trying to contact him, the signs on the street....). Are you sure he didn't just dump you because of you as opposed to depression?

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    Member BrokenHearted8's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by strongbutlost
    I know he feels alone right now and that he is struggling just to do normal things and puts on a face for everyone else, and I know he is pushing me away because he feels like he is hurting me the most, but all I want to do his hold his hand, tell him that I'm there for him and work with him through this because I know there is an end and that we can work on it together.
    Wow! I am going through the same thing right now... Like exactly the same thing! We've been together for 6 months, he lost his job, depression got triggered, then we had an argument because he was distant, and then he broke up with me the next day because "he doesn't know what's wrong with him", and "he can't focus on a relationship now", etc.

    I have tried everything you have tried, but got no results. We have been together for 6 months, and were very serious! I fell for him so hard and I want him back more than ever. But after so many tries, I realized that there isn't much I can do. He has a disease and unless he gets professional help, nothing's going to change. I talked to him about seeing a professional, but he refused. He said that the last thing he wants to do now is to "talk about it". Anyway, after writing in so many forums and talking to so many people, the conclusion I reached is "GIVE HIM SPACE". He needs time to figure out what's wrong and how to deal with it, and the last thing he needs is an angry ex gf who stalks him. Trust me, I've been there. The breakup happened late December, and I stopped trying to reach out to him by late January. Please be strong, I know exactly how you feel, and I cried myself to sleep every night. But it gets better. I am still hoping he'll come back, but for now, I will try to focus on myself and personal improvement. If he truly loved you, he'll come back once he solves his problems. Don't lose hope
    Last edited by BrokenHearted8; 02-07-2014 at 07:41 PM.

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    Just like brokenhearted has said. Give him space. Anything you do now will make him mad and push him away. If he gets help, he has to do it for himself. He may come back, he may not. There's nothing further you can do. Work on yourself in the meantime.

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    So should I go take the signs down? I thought they were a good idea after a friend told me she had talked to him and told him that I still cared and he said that helped alot and he was glad to hear that.

    Also, yes I know that it shows signs of a temper, but remember I didn't know it was depression till after. I know all relationships no matter how strong get into arguments and yell sometimes. It wasn't that I was threatening him or calling him names, I was yelling at him to tell me what was wrong and why was he acting the way he was. But the text was hurtful because I did so much already and I just wanted him to tell me he needed more time, not through a friend.

    Though I just got word from a friend that she talked to him and that he does want to talk things out. She said that he really cares for me, does not associate me or the relationship with the depression, and that he would be ready to talk soon just not yet.

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    I have just been reading a lot that when dealing with a loved one that is depressed it is important to remind them that you are there for them and that they're not alone. My messages haven't been "I want you back" let's just "start over" stuff, but simple general things that Ill be there no matter how dark it gets

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    Originally Posted by strongbutlost
    Though I just got word from a friend that she talked to him and that he does want to talk things out. She said that he really cares for me, does not associate me or the relationship with the depression, and that he would be ready to talk soon just not yet.
    Again, same thing happened to me!! He told me that he still cares about me and would be willing to work things out eventually and take things slow (one week after the breakup). But I messed up because I rushed things and wanted to pick up the relationship where we left it. Anyway, give him lots of time and space, and if he's willing to work things out, then try to take things slow. He's going through a lot, and he's probably emotionally exhausted. I really hope it's going to workout for you. But the most important thing now is to have patience and a lot of self control.

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