I hit my boyfriend last night.

I feel really terrible because, last night, my boyfriend and I were having an argument in the street and I kicked him. When we got home later, at first I wouldn't let him in the house (I got back before him) and then, after, I unexpectedly bashed his head with my fists.... this then turned into me cuddling him and sobbing a lot. I felt like such an idiot for the hitting... and on writing this, I feel like an idiot for locking him out etc, and generally being abusive

It had happened before, but never quite like this. We've been together around fourteen months, and already live together. It moved quite fast. A couple of times over the past few months, I had hit him in a similar way, when I'd been really drunk. I feel I and he sort of used the drinking as some sort of excuse. I am also on Paroxetine, as prescribed by a doctor for health problems. I have spoken to the doctor before about me being very angry and he said it was to do with the medication and would calm down. It calmed down a bit... but now hitting has become a problem. In general I am calmer, but, now hitting, thus far on occasion, and that is so not ok!

I have read through a few other threads online today, on this site and others, and I see that a history of violence in the family home can trigger feelings and actions of violence towards partners and family in later life. Indeed, I was subject to hard smacking around the head, fairly frequently, as a child, by my father. My older sisters; one of them in particular would also do this, and do other violent things like bash my head against the wall.

I have been through lots of past issues with my family and got lots and lots of tears, rage and painful emotions out towards them, in a healthy, not-abusive way (ie, I didn't hit them or anything, in the process of telling them how I felt). After that though, still living with my family, in my late teenage years/early twenties, I could still be very full of rage and aggressive. I once tried to hit out at my father for invading my personal space. My mother (a nurse and public health professional) felt I needed anger-management at the time. I would calm down and say I didn't need help, but my father did. Since then, I've left home (nine years ago) and my father became an alcoholic and has been treated twice for that. It was before that, when I was 17, the last time he ever hit me. He put his hands around my throat and was on top of me. My mother told him if he ever hit me again, she'd leave him. He never did it again, but when I was 27, he was aggressive, and I called the police, as I was sick of being bullied, abused and threatened. In that situation, I was calm, and just ran off to a friend's house when he raised his hand (and laughed) to hit me.

Wow, it seems on writing this, a lot of past stuff is coming out (again! As have been through it many times). Seems I could need counselling for it.

My partner is being really nice to me. He was hit a lot and very badly by his last partner and she never said sorry. Me having a lot of remorse, feeling stupid, bad about myself and like an idiot and saying sorry to him, I think helps him know that there's at least maybe more hope with me than there was with her...!

I want to get help. I've tried trying to balance my own feelings and not doing it and not being aggressive. It's hard and the aggression rears its head again and we fight. Does anyone have anything helpful they can suggest, please? Any organisations/counselling/couple counselling/a good helpline to call, or any other ways in which their stories or understanding of my situation might help me?

Thank you so much. I really want to be ok and not hurt my partner. I feel so sad for hurting him. He's lovely, kind and gentle.

I know this is not what you want to hear but I don't think it is the right time for you to be in a relationship. I think you had better let your boyfriend go. And I really really think that you should seek treatment for your abusive childhood. A good counselor that deals with childhood abuse should be able to help you. It is very important for you to seek this treatment. You could end up in jail otherwise.

And getting help and therapy is really about loving yourself enough to live a happy healthy life. Please love and care enough about yourself to do that. Then once you do that you can have happy ,healthy ,loving ,nonviolent relationships. But for now please let your boyfriend go so that he is no longer abused.

You need to seek professional help with this because one day, a guy is either going to call the police and press assault charges against you or he's going to punch you back and break something.

Yes, you had a bad past, but you can only blame your past for so long. There is no hope when someone thinks that saying "sorry" after hitting someone is band aid enough. No, you would be best served to end the relationship and go get your head sorted. Look up the domestic abuse hotline in your area of the country. They can direct you to whom you need to talk.

For one, I think you need to stop drinking. Drinking and meds, with angry feelings and violent outbursts do not mix. You also need to get into some anger management. As for this relationship, I do not think relationships can overcome physical abuse, although that is down to you and your boyfriend, I do not think it is a good idea for either of you to remain together. You have a lot of work to do to learn to control the anger and violence. And with a boyfriend who passes it off due to alcohol and meds is not going to help you. Unless he can be firm with you and stop brushing it off. You also need to take responsibility for your actions. Yes past family abuse and such can trigger similar actions, but it is you who chooses to go with the actions instead of doing things to stop it.

Best of luck to you

I agree with all of the above --- stop drinking. Period.

And get to a counselor.

Yesterday.

Stop drinking and blaming others for your behaviour towards him. Like Dr Phil said to a woman who beat her kids .. The good news is you can stop, the bad news is you can stop. You dont go around beating other people so that means that you can stop but choose not to.

Please read link this then pass it on to him.... link removed. He is afterall the victim of YOUR domestic violence.

Sorry to be so harsh but it needed to be said.

I don''t hit women as a rule, no matter what. But when I was given a black eye by my ex I really wanted to smash her face in. Luckily I stopped myself before it got out of hand because she would of ended up in hospital if I had thrown a punch in revenge. Your lucky your BF didn't retaliate to be honest otherwise you could of ended up in hospital.

I agree with all the above advice that you need to seek counselling for your problem but at least you recognise that you have a problem and that is always a good start. Fortunately the problem hasn't got so bad that somebody gets really hurt or even hospitalised but it's only a matter of time if you don't do something now.

I'm not going to tell you to break up with your boyfriend because that's a decision only the two of you can make but you might want to spend some time apart while you sort things out. I wish you luck.

You need to find an appropriate outlet for your anger. Hitting your partner is not one of them.

It does sound like a physical release is what you seek, so some sort of physical activity would be good. Boxing, running, pushups, whatever. If you have to pause in the middle of an argument, then tell him that and go do something else that will get that energy released. Much, much better (and less regret prone) than hitting him or hitting furniture, throwing objects, etc.

Yes you are very abusive! Correct your past influenced this! Now that you are aware of this, the best thing you can do is go get some help and work through your past issues. It is your responsibility to understand how you harm others, and whether you want to be harmless or harmful. My advice would be to explain to your boyfriend that you want to get help. Whether he wants to support you or not, or get help himself is another thing.

First of all, while you love him in your own way, abuse is not love. My guess is he has had a traumatic life to some degree as well and exactly why you found each other. Like attracts like. Your issues are completely different, but fortunately your relationship will never make it this way. Every relationship will fail and end up in the same place until you have gotten help and worked through the emotional and mental aspects of yourself. I would advise you take some time to yourself for the next year and really learn to grow and develop into a healthier person. Although it is hard and difficult, it is worth it in the long run if you truly want to let go of all the pain and suffering and harming others as well as yourself. You are not a bad person, but one that has been harmed yourself. It was never your fault to begin with, this will take some time and really you have to be patient with yourself. Forgiving of yourself, gentle, nurturing, and loving to yourself. Those wounds need to be healed, and closed up so you can function in a healthy way.

Do you love him enough to grow/heal yourself for him?

That's what I have been trying to do. Though her father feels fundamentals of people never change.

P. S.: Pray for me.