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Thread: close friend is now dating

  1. #1
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    close friend is now dating

    I have been very close friends with this girl for over a year now, we're very emotionally attached and we are very drawn to each other. After our first date, I wasn't that keen but we decided to be friends and spent a great deal of time together over the next year or so.

    We went away together, she's stayed round my house, we've spent days together, slept in my clothes etc. She wanted it to work esp after we got back from a 2 week trip as we did cross the line physically for a brief period, I tried to make this work as well, I was trying to feel something but I just couldn't do it because I just didn't feel enough attraction. In the end I hurt her and she had to cut contact to get over me and let me go. Which she eventually did and we got back in touch around Sept. We went away again, spent more together etc. She basically ticks every box apart from this physical attraction issue so I never felt at any point, like I wanted to pursue a relationship with her. You can talk yourself into fancying someone. Either you do or you don't, surely?

    Anyway, long story short, we're still in touch but she's now seeing someone and it's really going well. Happy for her but hurts at the same time. As soon as she initially mentioned that she was about to meet someone, this guy, I remember feeling uncomfortable and it made me upset. It's quite crushing. So I'm being trying to figure out why I feel this way...

    Do I truly have feelings for her and is her being with someone finally made me realise that OR is it simply being jealous that's she met someone else and I haven't and that I've lost a such a strong emotional connection. There's someone who's kinda of replaced me. Physical attraction matters of course and I know it can grow over time but I don't know, I had all this time to feel something. I'm sentimental so I have bittersweet memories of our times together and trips we took etc. because I realise that that may not happen again.

    And I think this virus crisis just enhances the emotions and feelings of singleness and being alone. I just wish I had someone with me during this time. I've been single for a long time, years.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why were you "trying to make it work"? It sounds like now that she found someone who she clicks with and who wants to date her you lack friends and a gf. So...make more friends and start dating.

    It seems like you took her for granted and just coasted along. It's good she broke free from this.
    Originally Posted by ignite
    She wanted it to work esp after we got back from a 2 week trip as we did cross the line physically for a brief period, I tried to make this work as well, I was trying to feel something but I just couldn't do it because I just didn't feel enough attraction.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Why were you "trying to make it work"? It sounds like now that she found someone who she clicks with and who wants to date her you lack friends and a gf. So...make more friends and start dating.

    It seems like you took her for granted and just coasted along. It's good she broke free from this.
    Well I do have friends...
    When I said I was trying to make it work, I meant in my mind I really wanted her to be the one for me because she ticked every box bar the physical attraction. We were very drawn to each other but that physical attraction never really grew over time which I hoped it would. So I figure that the only reason I'm feeling like this now is because she's with someone else I feel a sense of loss because the emotional connection is still there.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You can't manufacture physical attraction that just isn't there.

    As for feeling jealous, it's really quite common that friends get jealous of the new SO. When an SO comes into the picture, the close friends can feel like they are now pushed into the #2 position when it comes to emotional bond, time, attention, etc. Add to it also that you are feeling overall lonely and not dating anyone.

    That said, perhaps this will kick you into gear to focus on meeting someone romantically, rather than investing so much into this friendship and using it as a sort of crutch where you get most of your needs met even if not quite all.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You're feeling this way because you are losing a fan. Yes, it's great when someone thinks you're wonderful and makes sure you know it.

    You can talk yourself into fancying someone. Why would you do this? It's called settling, and not fair to the other person. She has found someone who is crazy about her, in EVERY aspect.

    Your strong emotional connection had an expiration date, and that's how it should be. Expect to be even pushed more farther onto a back burner, or be removed altogether, because I can't imagine it's good for her relationship to remain "friends" with a guy she had sex with and who isn't championing their relationship.

    Your friendship with her has prevented you from bonding with any other women romantically. Because your emotional energy has been poured into a female friend, and any other woman with common sense wouldn't accept dates from you seeing the dynamic you have with your "friend."

    Explain to her that it's best for the both of you to end the friendship. Enjoy the memories, mourn the loss of something that was never meant to go on forever, and then you'll be able to heal and move on. Good luck.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Being her cuddle buddy was the kiss of death. Man up and always make your intentions very clear instead of this frittering around in hopes she will say something. You let her use you as her emotional tam*&^. Next time be confident and go for it....stop cowering in the shadows for something to happen.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    You're feeling this way because you are losing a fan. Yes, it's great when someone thinks you're wonderful and makes sure you know it.
    I think this hit the nail on the head.

    To me, it's pretty clear that you care about her and enjoy her company, and it's the prospect of not having anyone to share your life with in that way which hurts right now. I don't think it's about feelings for her, but the feeling of being alone and without someone who is in love with you.

    It is going to be better for you both to take some healthy distance now.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Being her cuddle buddy was the kiss of death. Man up and always make your intentions very clear instead of this frittering around in hopes she will say something. You let her use you as her emotional tam*&^. Next time be confident and go for it....stop cowering in the shadows for something to happen.
    Did you read the post? He wasn't interested. She was.

  10. #9
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    First there is physical attraction, after that phase you learn to love the person. In your case, you never reached to that point - stuck between like vs. love. It should be a relief that she has moved on and you should not feel the way you do. If you are working, stay in your routine and keep life as simple as possible and hopefully one day you will meet the right person.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    It makes no sense to play friendlzies with dates that don't work out. You're learning why.

    Back up and decide what you want from dating before doing it. Then you can screen people for dating. Either they're the right dating material for you, or not. If not, then walk away. Don't try to keep someone around to adore you even while you hold no intention of offering them what they want and deserve from a romantic partner.

    If you're not willing to date cleanly, then you'll keep making messes, and you'll keep pretending to wonder why you feel lousy about that.

    It's no mystery. Right?

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