Living at home causing strain on the relationship

I've been seeing someone younger than me for a few months now. It's been going great, and I love spending time with her, but due to finances I had to move home.

She lives at home too, so finding time alone has been really difficult. We've rented out hotel rooms, and they've been a life-saver, but the lack of intimacy has been causing a strain.

She has told me that while frustrating, she understands that its just a case of poor timing. That being said, it is becoming an issue.

I'm in the process of finding a new place to live, but I guess I'm just worried that there's already been some damage done.

Has anyone been in this situation before?

This is kind of a general discription. I can go into more detail if needed.

I don't see WHY living @ home is causing an issue unless neither of you have a good relationship with either set of parents.

THAT is the issue, IMO.

I live @ home & so does my BF.

We're 27/28.

Apart from people in the family getting annoying or frustrating @ times it's not effected the intamcy of our relationship.

It's actually made us closer because he said he could never marry someone who can't wake up & have a cup of coffee with his mom.

I get what you're saying Laninaperdida. I get on great with her parents, and she does mine. I guess its more the physical aspect of the relationship. Since she is young, but the eldest, the idea of her boyfriend staying in the same room as her is not allowed. They're setting an example for their younger kids.

I live with a fairly religious Aunt who doesn't really get the concept of privacy, meaning she can in no way stay over. And while people may be quick to jump on the "you're an adult, you should be able to do what you want" boat, I'm in her place rent-free while I sort myself out, and don't want to piss her off.

At first it was a plus, because it meant we didn't rush into anything. But now it's become something incredibly frustrating and something of a strain.

I get what you're saying Laninaperdida. I get on great with her parents, and she does mine. I guess its more the physical aspect of the relationship. Since she is young, but the eldest, the idea of her boyfriend staying in the same room as her is not allowed. They're setting an example for their younger kids.

 

I live with a fairly religious Aunt who doesn't really get the concept of privacy, meaning she can in no way stay over. And while people may be quick to jump on the "you're an adult, you should be able to do what you want" boat, I'm in her place rent-free while I sort myself out, and don't want to piss her off.

 

At first it was a plus, because it meant we didn't rush into anything. But now it's become something incredibly frustrating and something of a strain.

When living in someone else's home rent free, you abide by their rules. That's just how things are. When you need privacy, you rent hotel rooms or house sit for friends while they're out of town.

It will serve as an impetus for you to get your own place as soon as you can but I would advise against letting her move in with you without a good job and the ability to pay her share of the expenses. It's one thing to post up in your parent's house rent free--it's quite another to become a dependent to your boy/girlfriend when they're trying to get on their feet themselves.

Not a popular view but, not established enough to pay ones own way and roof and food, not established enough to be having sex.

I said, not popular!

But condoms break, birth control fails, and things like both living at home but lady is pregnant does happen.

Why not just wait til you are both in better positions and able to be on your own? And if that is a long way off on her end, get a new girlfriend. I am dead serious.

The other alternative is getting creative and finding spots to have sex. That means probably doing it in cars, the outdoors, whatever. Maybe not advisable, but most people with roommates have done it at least a few times.

Absolutely Kendahke, That's the way I've been treating this situation completely. It's not my place, and I'm not going to rock the boat.

She isn't moving in with me. I have a job, I just needed to save for a deposit on a new place. But because I'm saving it means the hotel room plan is no longer affordable.

I guess I'm just looking for advice, has anyone gone through this situation before? And did it work out? How did you deal with it?

I dunno, maybe I'm just venting...

itsallgrand, thanks for your input. Your point about maybe waiting until we're in a better position is one I have considered before.

I guess I'm just looking for another way before going down that road.

There isn't another way. You are both still financially dependent on parents or aunty.

You don't have money to waste on hotels if you want to move out.

So....the answer is....sleeping in the same bed gets put on hold.

It it called "dating....the old fashion way".

You don't get to play house until.... you can afford to rent a house!

As for physical intimacy, itsallgrand is right. You can have sex anywhere. Vehicles would be the most logical option.

You could rule this relationship out as bad timing and find someone more suited to where your life is right now.

One of the first things judge a guy on is his place... If we canbe intimate.

If we can't, I won't settle for a hotel based relationship but to each his own

Not a popular view but, not established enough to pay ones own way and roof and food, not established enough to be having sex.

I said, not popular!

 

But condoms break, birth control fails, and things like both living at home but lady is pregnant does happen.

 

Why not just wait til you are both in better positions and able to be on your own? And if that is a long way off on her end, get a new girlfriend. I am dead serious.

I completely agree and would go one step further. If you can't afford a baby, don't have sex. If you both agree that if she gets pregnant, that you would abort, then make sure you can afford that too.

I don't know why people can't focus on getting themselves together financially so they can be independent instead of, frankly, wasting money on hotels for a few minutes of gratification.

I think you need to chill out and focus on what you need to do financially and worry less about intimacy. What options do you really have? None. So tough it out. It is temporary after all and either this relationship is good enough to ride this out or not.

Absolutely Kendahke, That's the way I've been treating this situation completely. It's not my place, and I'm not going to rock the boat.

She isn't moving in with me. I have a job, I just needed to save for a deposit on a new place. But because I'm saving it means the hotel room plan is no longer affordable.

 

I guess I'm just looking for advice, has anyone gone through this situation before? And did it work out? How did you deal with it?

I dunno, maybe I'm just venting...

Yes. I've gone through it before. And I just didn't have sex unless I could afford to either get a hotel room or move out on my own. And once I moved out on my own, I didn't allow anyone to live rent free with me and become my dependent--because trust me, that is the next thing that's going to come out of her mouth once you tell her you've got the money together for your own place. Watch and see how fast it comes out of her mouth. But as I said, do not let her move in unless she's got gainful, steady employment--and even then, give it a good year before you bend your mind in that direction. You have to get on your feet first.

I am in the exact same situation! I moved back home from LA and have been with my parents for a year. I am 25. My BF was living at home while he went to school (since it was very close and didn't make sense to pay for a place if he could stay for free) and then this summer his parents moved to the next state over and for his job, me, and friends he wanted to stay here. So my parents are letting him live in the basement which is like an apartment, rent free (though he's offered to pay numerous times, my parents won't take his money). He is 25 as well.

My mom could care less if we slept together, but my father is very strident in his views, very military, old fashioned and there's no sleeping together while we are in his house. It's been difficult, as we are both very sexual with each other and while he was living with his parents we had sex all the time as they didn't mind anything. So over the past six months we have had to get creative...a lot of oral sex after my parents have gone to bed...when my parents go out of town (which is rather often) we have sex. Cars, other rooms, you name it. It isn't easy, but you have to think outside the box. It's really frustrating, but until we both save enough money for our own place, this is our situation.

It sucks - I lived on my own for about 6 years till I moved back and without a job I didn't have a choice but to stay with my parents. When I had my own place in LA, my BF visited me and I loved that freedom, walking around naked, snuggling, doing whatever we wanted whenever we felt like it.

It's really a big incentive to get going, but the job market is ridiculous right now and FT steady, decent jobs are not as easy to come by.

Go camping.

Sex in the car.

Strange public places.

And while you're trying not to get arrested doing this start looking for a cheap apartment for one or both of you to live in.

Five year old thread..

Five year old thread..

Jeez can people stop pulling these threads from the dinosaur ages? I just saw the post above mine being from yesterday. Honestly you should get a forum ban for reviving a necrothread.