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Thread: PTSD ,Out of Darkness Into The Sun: My Recovery

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    PTSD ,Out of Darkness Into The Sun: My Recovery

    I want to chronicle this journey in a way that is not enmeshed with all my other comments of my life.

    I will go over my treatment, and research and my steps toward freedom.

    To All those who suffer. May you get well.

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    SYMPTOMS
    People who suffer from PTSD exhibit a variety of symptoms. These can include a deep sense of helplessness, problems at home or work, abnormal fear, feelings of devastation, flashbacks from the event, a feeling of numbness, aversion to social contact, or avoidance of situations that might trigger memories of the event. Some physical responses may include depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, panic attacks, irritability, anger outbursts, difficulty with concentration or memory, feelings of vulnerability, fear of normal every-day activities, or feeling overwhelmed by the smallest of tasks.
    LONGTERM EFFECTS
    If left untreated, PTSD symptoms can become worse. Some documented cases include addiction to drugs or alcohol; chronic pain, hypertension or physical maladies; self injury; overwhelming fear of death; compulsiveness; personality changes; and self destructive incidents, to name a few.
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    What are the symptoms of PTSD?

    PTSD can cause many symptoms. These symptoms can be grouped into three categories:

    1. Re-experiencing symptoms:
    Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
    Bad dreams
    Frightening thoughts.
    Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.

    2. Avoidance symptoms:
    Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
    Feeling emotionally numb
    Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
    Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
    Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.
    Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.

    3. Hyperarousal symptoms:
    Being easily startled
    Feeling tense or “on edge”
    Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.
    Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.

    It’s natural to have some of these symptoms after a dangerous event. Sometimes people have very serious symptoms that go away after a few weeks. This is called acute stress disorder, or ASD. When the symptoms last more than a few weeks and become an ongoing problem, they might be PTSD. Some people with PTSD don’t show any symptoms for weeks or months.

    How is PTSD detected?

    A doctor who has experience helping people with mental illnesses, such as a psychiatrist or psychologist, can diagnose PTSD. The diagnosis is made after the doctor talks with the person who has symptoms of PTSD.

    To be diagnosed with PTSD, a person must have all of the following for at least 1 month:
    At least one re-experiencing symptom
    At least three avoidance symptoms
    At least two hyperarousal symptoms
    Symptoms that make it hard to go about daily life, go to school or work, be with friends, and take care of important tasks.


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    Such a cruddy sleep last night. I didn't take my medication yesterday. By night time I was agitated. When I tried to fall asleep I had a panic attack. I woke up several times.

    If I could ever cure my sleep issues my life would be easier.

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    PTSD~~~~Careening towards the edge
    They say that people with our affliction don't have a concept of growing old. Because we expect to die long before we get old. Yeah I guess so. I guess that's true. I certainly have done a lot of things that could've killed me 100 times over. And that's the point we do things ,extreme risk-taking that could cause death.

    But I want to talk about something that I usually only mention in small ways here and there. Well I have spoken about the concept let's put it that way. The things I'm going to say now I've never spoken to another living person not even my counselor, my husband or my mom. No one. Suicide. I have had a very active fantasy life of how to go about that. It really kind of blew out of proportion in my 30's. Where I lived there was a place called "the mountain". It is not really a mountain but the escarpment. But it is certainly high enough to kill yourself if you drive off it. As I would drive up it or down it every single day almost quite often I would have vivid fantasies about just driving fast enough to fly off. The thoughts of my son would always hold me back. On really super dark days ,dark in my mind I would drive around drive to other cities and listen to songs about suicide and just cry and cry until there were no tears left.

    Or I would have thoughts of what if I did this or that would I die?

    Maybe that is why I have always thought of myself as old I don't know. Maybe because I had no concept of myself as old ,no concept of myself as young no concept really of myself at all.


    But now I have reintegrated the concept of myself as young, I see myself now and I'm starting to wonder what I would be like old.

    Steps in the right direction.

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    Smashing the "angry" filter~~~ therapy
    This is probably the biggest thing that has happened in my life to be of benefit. We entered into therapy in September 2012 with the goal of removing the filter through which I saw everything. Everything was examined through a filter of anger, anxiety and fear. I didn't know how to break that filter. I didn't know how to adjust my perceptions. We have reached our goal. Yes, we have smashed the angry filter.

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    I will have to go back a year and a half and read my other journal with regards to therapy for specific details as they happened. That may take some time.

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    In doing some research yesterday I realized that link removed has a section to write your own PTSD stories. I felt a clench in my stomach and no no no I am not ready for that. I am not ready to be outside of this circle.

    When I was a younger teenager I would have blackouts. I mean that I could not see or hear or even think. I would completely and utterly disassociate. One particular time I remember it was gym class. And we were having team races for different things. And the teacher ( who was a weirdo) blew in my ear. And suddenly everything went completely dark. I could not see or hear or think or move or anything. I was not there and had no conscious awareness. The next thing I remember was all the kids screaming at me because I was not moving.

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    I think the blackouts stopped when I was about 18.

    There was no way for me to have a "normal" teenage life. Not when you have blackouts. Not when you are terrified.

    When I was 19 or 20 I had an episode where I forgot who I was for a short period of time....maybe 15 mins or something. Literally, forgot who I was. Absolutely everything about myself and where I was and why I was there until I saw my mother and then it all came back to me in a flash. I burst out sobbing. I can not remember if that was before or after my being drugged and raped. I think the person slipped LSD in my drink. That was in the 80's before the big drugging to rape people issue started.

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