Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 45

Thread: *********

  1. #21
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    I be where the cash be
    Posts
    1,398
    Gender
    Female
    Like once upon a time I was this insecure and scared little girl and they just fed on it. Made things worse. Not even like totally 100% their responsibility. But people do often have an investment in pointing out our flaws if they have known us in our most vulnerable hours. I remind myself of their weaknesses to comfort myself at times. But thats only in reaction go them. I guess I really am just a nicer person hahaha. It's true. Again why?? Why am I so much nicer hahaha. It's horrible.

    I may have been nicer but I was definitely stupider when it comes to common sense. That mystery is never going to be solved.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    I be where the cash be
    Posts
    1,398
    Gender
    Female
    Okay wow...so i think I'm having that final closure issue! This understanding of my own emotional responses/triggers to past hurts is making me realize I am afraid still to let go. Its like frozen is a psa for people like me. Born with an unidentifiable curse. That always happens, these things are so timely...

    Closure is the finish line. I'm afraid that there is nothing on the other side.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    I be where the cash be
    Posts
    1,398
    Gender
    Female
    I'm afraid of being hurt again aren't I. Plain and simple.

    I'm afraid that I could be happy too. That I even deserve to be happy.

    I'm afraid that I was right. I'm afraid that I'm doing what is best for me.

    I'm afraid of how well I take care of myself in a way, how strong I am, how much hope i have, how hard I work every single second even if a lot of the time I'm running in circles.

    I'm afraid that I have my little slice of where I belong. Afraid to be swallowed up into life and belonging and forgetting all the people I met along the way. That I really will forget them and that it was all temporary.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    I be where the cash be
    Posts
    1,398
    Gender
    Female
    Everybody hurts from that, in a way. I feel guilty for wanting to say goodbye, and guilty for slamming the door on my past. I feel ungrateful. I feel weak. I feel stupid for not being able to put it all together. I feel so bad that I want to be someone completely different.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    I be where the cash be
    Posts
    1,398
    Gender
    Female
    Strangers get our understanding and compassion on a daily basis. They create what is social, the opposite of heavy, intimate. That is what is amazing about surfaces, they are just so forgiving. If a person you hate becomes a stranger, they seem so good all of a sudden. In some cases you are tempted to look beneath the surface again. I need different strangers and different intimates. I had mine reversed.

    I've reached the right conclusion, I'm glad I finally did it without pointing fingers, not too much anyway. Sometimes even the truth is lost when you leave the past behind. The truth keeps binding you to your history, to emotions that keep you down. Please make the nightmare go away. Please. It's funny what is a very pleasant life to some is an absolute terror to me. Strangers, people that I give the benefit of the doubt to.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    I be where the cash be
    Posts
    1,398
    Gender
    Female
    Another day to say goodbye. When it's not done in anger, it definitely feels very different. This time the choice isn't as easy. It's easy to get sucked back into the fantasies of what could 'be.' It's hard to abandon what you can even envision to be.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    I be where the cash be
    Posts
    1,398
    Gender
    Female
    I've heard it one too many times from people that "they are just not attracted to ________" insert race. So this person on this thread goes, "white women have their preferences, and that might not include you" that rubbed me the wrong way SO hard. And the amazing thing is that this very poster back tracks into some inane non existent argument about how i was trying to discourage interracial relationships when I never attacked them AT ALL to begin with. This is like 100% exactly the kind of person I can't stand. It's very pacific nw in a way, or a white suburbs kind of way of dealing with your own defensiveness. It's funny how much it bothers me when it comes from those people than anyone else. Like I would give other people a pass. I have this thing about old asian racists that really angers me too lol.

    But anyway, big emotional trigger for me. I just think its weird when some basic milquetoast person thinks they are the same category as megan fox just because of their race sometimes. But I guess that kind of racial privilege is dying so fast. Finally! It feels good. Welcome to reality! The world is chock full of beautiful, vibrant and amazing people and no one is on top.

    What bothers me about advice is that sometimes people expect others they give advice to, to immediately understand and to go from 0 to 60 in like 2 seconds. Like on that same thread I replied to earlier, telling this guy to "love himself" and then he'll be able to get over how he feels like second place to white people. I don't think it's horrible of me to almost want to laugh at that. Just because someone holds an irrational belief doesn't mean it's cured in like a sentence about loving yourself.

    It's too frustrating to even think about. You can't even say that because people will be soooooo defensive.

    When we turn to others for advice, it's often a really difficult situation we can't handle on our own. To just shut someone down like that is terrible, honestly. Like screaming at someone who wants vanilla ice cream, stop saying you want vanilla when there are all these other flavors you ungrateful little brat, why are you so obsessed with vanilla? Just eat the pistachio dammit! Eat it now! Vanilla doesn't even want you! Ever think of that? That's shaming if it ever was. But if I say anything apparently I get accused of being an apologist?? I think their response is the LAST resort, the first response to an identity crisis like this. This is why I have such an internal rage inside me sometimes.

    Likewise, pointing out that, "but you're wrong" isn't going to make someone in that position be like, oh now I see the light.
    Teenagers get so shafted on the advice front. I know from experience and seeing how they get treated in some of these threads to all the platitudes in the world when if an adult had that exact same problem, the way that people would interact with them would be totally different.

    Like, if a person is depressed, they'll be like, but you're a great person.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    I be where the cash be
    Posts
    1,398
    Gender
    Female
    It was good to get upset about that though, I had to think about how I was going to react. Sometimes I just want to unleash the ad hominem on them because I assume they are incapable of changing. I also realized I need to spell out literally every step in my logic to a person, because I tend to jump to ideas without explaining my thought process. This often leads to people who I'm on the same page with thinking that I'm trying to say something completely different. I do notice that people often assume you're arguing against them unless you make your argument so airtight that it leaves no room for clever misreadings or misinterpretations. I'm just tired of fake arguments where two people are on the same side but just not expressing themselves clearly. So hopefully I'll have matured enough not to be so careless that I accidentally escalate an argument but let my emotions get in the way of backing down. I want to get what I want and be effective about it if I can.

    I come into a convo with preexisting prejudices, and I think it's about time I stop assuming all white women who ballpark 30's and upwards are secretly smug racists who still think that in the 'real' non pc hierarchy of race they are still the 'quality' women at the end of the day, when the clothes come off. That era is over....and if I believe it, the more it'll be true for me.

    Bye negativity. That is one of most hardened beliefs. That I hate (half of) my own people because I think they are desperate to be seen the desirable ones. It's hurting me to be so convinced that I know what they're thinking because I really don't.

    Yup.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    I be where the cash be
    Posts
    1,398
    Gender
    Female
    Detoxing from insta-stalking. Glad I finally made the right choice. I am feeling quite a bit better, but not good enough. I need to feel better, it's just not working for me. I'm realizing that I'm deathly afraid of not knowing anyone from my past. Who lacks an anchor to the past? I literally systematically erased like 20 years of my life. It's not really something that people do. I wonder how that makes me different from other people and it scares me so much. The last thing I want is to be alien to other people and the last thing I want is to do something 'evil' or irredeemable. It's so strange, the painful bubble I used to live in is like a TV show or just some weird story in my brain. I have a hard time believing that was my reality at some point. If my emotions had a pitch, it would have been beyond human hearing in those days. Now I seriously feel like I took the red pill in the matrix. Like I'm really going to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

    I made my choice. I don't think I can go back....maybe I could. But I think I've been 'unplugged.'

  11. #30
    Platinum Member meoww's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    I be where the cash be
    Posts
    1,398
    Gender
    Female
    It gets easier not to insta-stalk the entire world as the days go on, my resolve gets a lot stronger. Now I've got to apply this will power to other areas of my life. Starting in early March, I noticed a huge shift in my mood, I found myself being a lot more anxious and a lot more unhappy. I used to be able to enjoy simple things but lately, even the most special things to me that used to be so close to my heart seem so very been there done that.

    Now that I'm not trying to recover, I guess I need to start framing things in terms of just living.
    Have to get by.....i have to force myself to do all things I really don't feel like doing at all.
    And i have to start trusting people
    And i have to get let people in, even if i dont expect them not to let me down.
    I have to allow myself to relax
    I have to not be so afraid all the time
    I have to have peace of mind

    There is just a point when i cant take it anymore.

    And my mind has to put the notion of karmic revenge to rest. I don't care about the evil people and evil things i have seen in my life. I will not waste my life away monitoring people to see if they actually get what they deserve. I just don't want to continue to burden myself in that way.
    Not only have i cut negative people out of my life, i need to cut them out of my mind....it's becoming deeply engrained in me since these years of recovery

    Letting go is the hardest part
    Its easier to acknowledge pain after a certain point, but once the damage is done
    It never be undone. I battle within myself believing that somehow I have control over my pain

Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •