Live to Dream

So its almost christmas time, which is close to new years, which is all about new beginnings. I'm also a little older and (hopefully) a little wiser. So i think its time for a new journal.

I can't say that this journal will be some miraculous new start that is nothing like my previous, I can't promise rainbows and butterflies and sweet little puppies (which is how my housemate described me - weird!), but I am hoping that it will consist of many good thoughts, happy memories and positive outcomes, unlike many of my previous entries.

I feel as if I have allowed depression and anxiety to rule my life for far too long. The last three months however, I have been a stronger, happier person then i could ever have imagined myself being. Not because my life became easier - in many ways it became harder, but simply because i choose happiness. I choose to see the negativity and learn from it, not drown in it time and time again. I choose to be a better person.

So what has given me this strength? You would never imagine. Horses.

I read a quote "horses promote healing". No one will ever know how true that has been for me. Horse riding has been truly amazing. It has given me confidence back. Its been amazing exercise, so hello good endorphins. I've been tired so i've been sleeping better. I've been able to spend time with these amazing beautiful creatures that give me so much. I've also been able to spend time with some really awesome people. The young ones run circles around me - god i wish i could ride like them - they look amazing! It all takes time though. Hopefully in six months time i'll be a completely different rider. But just being at the paddock around such down to earth people and beautiful affectionate animals who just want scratches and cuddles has changed my life. I wake up and have something to look forward too.

I don't think it could have come at a better time, work has been so draining and so tiring. We are all so over worked and under paid. And we're getting loaded up with more and more things to do. It has been pretty damn intense lately. I've applied at a government facility - so i'm hoping that will be far better. If i get the job. I mean its looking quite positive, but you never know. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch.. It would just be so nice. Its a lot more money. A lot better working conditions. A lot more support. A lot more care for the residents there. My current workplace has even put me off nursing all together. Like as much as i'm hoping for the new job - i'm hoping to get it so i can save the money to do my certificate in Veterinary Nursing. I think i would really enjoy doing that. It just costs so much money i can't afford it.

We're also moving out - Phill and I. We've been living with someone i work with for the last six months. Its gone fairly well. I don't think any of us have gotten overly upset at each other. But i do think its time for Phill and i to move on. The people who own the riding business have offered us a room in their house. And we'll even have our own little living area space and our own bathroom. And the money works out to be pretty similar to what we're paying now for just a room. So hopefully it all works out. I guess we can only try it. My main concern is that i spend a lot of time at the paddock - i don't want to crowd them. I'm the sort of person that most people can only stand on short doses. And i know that about myself. I try to not irritate people. But i think i'm just so different from everyone that eventually people just think i'm weird. At least i'm nice weird though?

Phill and i are okay. Things are still a bit shaky, but we don't fight much anymore. We get along pretty well. Sometimes i feel that love struck feeling i used too. Like this morning - before he went to work we were just cuddling. And laughing away together. Its those things that i love. And in all honesty - i think we were arguing before because we were spending every waking hour together, and when we weren't i was a mess. Where as now - with work and the paddock and seeing my friends, its actually been refreshing to get away from each other. Now we appreciate each other a little more. Well, i think so anyway.

My mother is now treated - she is still a little crazy - i guess in reality there is no such thing as a sane schizophrenic. But now that she is treated she is actually rather bearable to be around. Which means that she stays with granddad three nights a week and my sis and i do two nights each. So that has been nice. My sister is also pregnant which is overly exciting! I'm going to be an aunty!! So happy for her. Its been her dream her whole life to be a mum, and i know she'll love it.

So hopefully next year will bring me, a new job, a new career path to study, a little niece or nephew and a hug improvement in my riding skill. A diamond ring on a certain finger in particular would also be nice But i can't see that happening for a while, which is fine. I have my life planned out for the next little while. And i have all of these things factoring in around me. I'm living life for me now, i'm not a push over, i'm not going to waste my life fussing over anyone else. This is me - this is how i choose to spend the rest of my days

I have to say there is one thing that I truly miss about this wonderful website.. All the amazing people who have come and gone. I know I rarely post here anymore, but I read things every now and again and most of the lovely people I became good friends with have disappeared. One is married one! So happy for her, she is a beautiful person. One is now living the single life, working hard. He is one of my dearest friends, possibly knows me better than anyone - my own boyfriend even. But that's what happens on this site - you post your heart and soul and the people you bond with, they become your soul mates!

There have been so many people touch my heart with their supportive words. It's just so hard coming on here now and seeing very few old names, even fewer that I ever conversed with.

I must admit I'm happy for them though, I think we all find this place in a time of need, and if they have moved through their issues and no longer need to be here, the fly freely on their own. It's one of the most beautiful parts of this website. But that sure doesn't mean I don't miss them, and all they brought to this site, and to my heart.

You know, I remember the first time I ever cut my own skin. I'd been reading a magazine that had an article on self harm. The article said how dangerous, addictive and debilitating it was but the only words that stood out to me were 'It numbs the pain'.

It was like those words were bolded and enlarged so much that none of the rest of the article was readable anymore. Nothing left was of importance. I picked up a manual arts tool I had and etched 'hi' into my arm. It was such small little scratches. They barely bled. But it was the beginning. I often wonder if I'd never bought that magazine would I have waste so many years away? I guess I will never know.

What I do know now is this. I haven't given in in a long time. Over the past two years I can count the number of relapses on one hand. This year I don't believe their have been any.

People don't realise the trauma they are bringing into their lives when they pick up these emotionally addictive habits. They don't realise that 10 years later they will be asked what the scars are. That they will still be getting disapproving looks from people they never would have imagined could be so judgemental.

I regret nothing because today I am the strongest I've ever been. And you cannot know strength until you know weakness, and I have been the definition of weak. But if I could live life over again, there is so much I would do differently. I wouldn't harm my own body or mind and I would never allow others to harm my mind. Friends are not friends if they hurt you - see your pain and do nothing to change it.

You can be a far happier person alone, than with others who use you to their dispense.

Each and every person has strength inside of them - they just need to work through the weakness. If only someone had of shown me this years ago. Although I doubt I ever would have listened, I was too far gone. I think that is where we need to go. To the roots, to the child. To allow the child to understand their thoughts and emotions before adolescents. Before they sink into the darkness. We need to be aware of the light fading and know that that is when we need to help these beautiful young people. Perhaps then their adult life will not be so disfunctional.

Found out that one of our residents passed away last week. He was one of my all time favourites. He was so funny - he'd always make you laugh. He would stop you in the corridor just to tell you that you were beautiful. He was just so sweet.

I remember calling him handsome one day and at 93 years old he flexed his muscles and raised his eyebrows! Man I almost fell over in laughter.

I am going to miss that sweet man so much. He could light up your day in seconds.

Rest in peace you handsome one! I hope that your paradise is truly beautiful.

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had riding. I did a little bit of cantering outside of the arena which was exciting. And I did little jumps on my favourite boy. I cannot wait to learn to jump properly. So hoping that the beautiful boy I ride and I can learn together.

You get this amazing bond with these creatures and I trust that horse with my life. He'll take care of me!! Tomorrow morning I have my lesson. Then back to the paddock of Friday to practice. I have so many goals with my riding. God it could be amazing

Not going to lie, I'm a little disappointed.. We're having two christmas's this year. One with our house mate and one with my boyfriends family. So naturally I got my boyfriend something to open on both days. Nothing massive or exciting. I just got two shirts - game of thrones ones - which I know he will love! And I'm putting a condition on them that I can't wear them - I have a tendency to steal his clothes haha. And I bought him two fragrances, because he wanted some new ones. They were both David beckam ones that smell amazing. So I actually put a lot of thought into these gifts. Like I smelt a million and one fragrances before deciding upon these and he loves game of thrones. Anyway, he knew I was giving him something tonight and he didn't get me anything and I quote 'I knew you were getting me something but I didn't think you'd expect anything'

Now don't get me wrong it didn't have to be exciting. It could have been a card with some scratches or some cheap flowers or just a tiny little something. But just something. Typical boy style I guess. I even got him more awesome presents to open at his families place.

Now I don't care how much he spends or how big they are or even what it is, I guess it's just the thought. It would have been nice to know he thought of me. Men never change do they?! Haha. Oh well. It isn't a big deal. It's like a green ant bite - stings a bit but in 5 mins I'll forget

Seriously?! I hate men. So off he went on Friday, haven't spoken to him since. He was meant to call Friday night. But he didn't. He didn't even bother messaging me until about 2 yesterday. I was at work so I said he should stay out. Which I meant! I didn't finish until late he might as well have a good time. Got no reply until 9, when he said to call when I got home. To which he didn't answer. So I messaged him. He called sometime close to midnight but I was asleep. But no reply to my message which was about what we're doing today. So we're both supposed to be somewhere in just over an hour. I have no idea if he is coming home and we're going together, or meeting there, or if he won't show up. Rent was due Friday - I'm yet to see my money so I'm broke from buying his family Xmas gifts! Not happy!!

Well Christmas is over and My boyfriend gets home tomorrow. We move out on Saturday and Sunday. Which I am looking forward too. I do have to say though - it sucks having to move and clean. Especially seeing as I have a broken toe. Stupid me. So much pain. Who would have thought a toe would be so painful.

No work for me for a while.

Well its a new year. We are officially moved into our the new place with new house mates. I'm hoping it will be the best decision of my life. I think we have to experience things. I'm young. I act like an old woman and i've never been good at doing activities that young people do - therefore i struggle to relate to other younger people. (By younger i mean my own age) But i think moving out with a few people and having to socialise more often with people i don't really know overly well. Its awkward and i have a tendency to say things that no one else in interested in or finds funny. So perhaps living with others i can gauge what actual interesting topics are for social interaction.

People say "always be yourself". But i do this and my friendship list is very limited. And i don't really have any really close friends that i could call in an emergency situation. And i want that. I want people to actually turn up if i have a birthday event. I want people that i can go out to dinner with and have a laugh. I want friends i trust endlessly. The sort that won't just join in on a session about me - but who would stand up for me.

Most of all, i want to enjoy life. And to do this i need to learn what is socially acceptable.

Ouch! Fell off 16.3hh horse galloping full speed up a hill. Landed straight on my bum! Dear god no one realises how bad that hurts!!

We were trotting. Went over a jump. Landed at a canter. Then horse decided that his breaks didn't work. So we turned in a circle. Full speed. Then boom, up a hill! Pretty sure I'd only wanted to learn to canter - gallop wasn't really on the cards lol.

Well the pain definitely hasn't gone yet. But it is getting better. Can't wait to be healed enough to get back on the horse. I'm sure i'll be a little more cautious but in reality every time you get onto a horse you risk falling off. Its part of riding. I want to buy a riding vest though. So that if i fall my spine is protected. They just cost so much money!

Apparently i'll hear about the government job next week, so that is good. I'll be devastated if i don't get a position. I need it! I need more hours and better pay. Although i will miss my wonderful residents so so much. They are just so heart warming. I go to work in low care and within an hour or two i have a smile on my face - even if its been the day from hell. Because they say something to make you smile. Or they come and give you a hug. They know when we are stressed, and they just know how to make sure that we feel appreciated. But i need to move on for myself.

I said to my sister - everyone seems to be moving forward and doing amazing things with their lives. Getting engaged, married, having children, finishing degrees. Here i am the same as ever - bruised and broken.

But then you look at where i was a year or two ago. I've finally finished my diploma. I'm working as an enrolled nurse. Hoping to be employed soon as a nurse for the government. And more than anything i am happy. I am bruised and broken physically - but emotionally i am happy. Even with all the medical conditions. Sometimes life isn't measured by the amount you earn, what degree you have or how much you have. But simply by the way you choose to live. And i think that living a happy life is far more important

So missing riding right now. But life is still good. Two good shifts at work, now a movie with my awesome house mates Not so keen on work in the morning!

Being unable to ride is probably the worst thing that ever happened to me. I'm sinking again. I just want to ride, to feel free. But I still hurt far too much. It's so hard. And work is stressing me out. I get one day off this week. Working 9 out of 10 days. I'm sore when I finish work. I'm exhausted mentally and physically.

I need a holiday. I can't wait for April. Hoping to go away.

I think what is also bringing me down is a conversation with a friend. This is the one person who I always thought I had this connection with them. Like, I could trust them with everything and they were probably the one person that means the most to me because they were the one person I don't need to fake anything around. I didn't need to lie or keep quiet. I just feel like that connection is gone now. I guess this is what happens when people see me. This is the first time I've ever hated Facebook. I wish it had never existed. Then maybe I'd still mean more.

I wish the world was blind. I wish people's appearance meant nothing. But appearance will always mean so much. Especially to men.

I love my man, for seeing me through my appearance. For never ever making me feel too unattractive for him. He makes me feel beautiful. Every day. It is probably his best quality. I'm so lucky to have that. In a world where my friends are all being told by their partners how unattractive they are and how much they need to change. My boyfriend makes me feel like the most beautiful girl. And as long as I am that for him, I guess that is all that should matter.

Happiest person ever. Yesterday I was cantering around like a lunatic. Had the best time. Love the horses that take it easy on us beginners. So nice of them haha And found out I've already been jumping 50 - 60cm which is pretty exciting!

Also got amazing news, I have a mass in my kidney, and I've had it for a while. It was untreatable but needed to be monitored so that if it grew the kidney could come straight out. Somehow - with no treatment it had shrunk a little. Not a lot but still! Pretty damn amazing! So if one more scan comes up with either a stable or even smaller reading I get to be discharged from surgical outpatients. 7 years of my life have been spent seeing orthopaedic surgeons, neurologists, urologists. And to be cleared by all three - it would be so bloody nice!

My knees used to hurt more than life itself every time I rode - now my knees hardly hurt at all. It's like riding has strengthened my muscles and released the pressure off my joints.

Now to lose weight for my ankles and knees. I don't want extra pressure on them. Starting tomorrow - this is my life and I'll live it healthy. Riding 5 days a week as exercise. And eating 1200 calories a day. Tomorrow is my day to begin the life I always wished for.

I think this journal is a good reflection of how refreshing your life has been lately. I think it's awesome!

Lovely to hear about your horseback riding and how much it's been 'healing' you and making you feel better. I can definitely understand that. Must be thrilling getting up in speed out in nature, wind in your hair and all that.

Hope your holidays went well and I hope this new year continues as it has been thus far! Wish nothing but good things for ya, friend.

Hey girl. Good to see you back here. Sorry the health problems have continued but it looks like the horses are doing wonders for your mood.

Thank you both It's nice to hear some kind words! Sometimes the smallest of messages help more than you will ever know. And both of yours have helped me tonight!

I got the job! I work in Queensland health as a nurse. God I just wish more than anything my nana was here to share this moment with. I'm also going to be an aunt and watch my amazing sister marry the man she loves. There are so many powerful moments and I just wish my nana could be here for all of them.

Although right now she'd probably be hitting her head against the wall. In 5 months of riding I'd had 3 fall, one broken toe, one broken tailbone, a million bruises and just recently I got beaten up by a miniature horse. So badly I actually may have fractured my knee cap or tore a tendon. I'm honestly thinking more along the tendon line. My knee cap itself doesn't hurt so much. MRI scan for me tomorrow. And a few well deserved days off work.

I feel a little lost right now. Like I need a bit of support. Like I need some kindness. Anyone have any to spare?

Lots to spare.

I have a friend who's obsessed with horses, I didn't realise quite how dangerous they were or are you just clumsy.

Haha a mix of both? I am pretty clumsy. And I'm very naive and always want to love them. Sometimes it's not my smartest move!

They can be very dangerous though. There is a photo on face book that has like 4 people stacking it off their horses and a caption saying 'oh you play football, how cute?!' Hehe.

I feel a little lost right now. Like I need a bit of support. Like I need some kindness. Anyone have any to spare?

I have plenty of kindness to spare and you always have my support.

Though if you got beat up by a miniature horse I've got to wonder....

Haha I know right its actually rather embarrassing. They are smaller than a large dog! In my defense they do have hooves, and no matter how small they still freaking hurt. And it turned its bum on me and bucked me 4 times. One hoof got my knee cap and that was it I couldn't even run away. Just had to wait for the beating to stop!

I'm here, I have a million and one thoughts running through my head of what my life should be. But each of them so different. Some times I feel like if I had a husband and a baby and a pet or two and my life was full of love I would have everything I ever needed. Then there is the other side. The side that says that that just isn't enough. The side that says I don't want stability. I want freedom and travel and working nights and partying days. And that if I lived my life traveling the world as a nurse helping people and seeing the earth's beauty in the meantime then I would be happy.

But is that enough when you go home to an empty house? I have a man I love, but is that enough when I long to be free, but with him all at the same time. The thought of losing him destroys me . But the thought of being free exhilarates me.

I guess I don't want the here and now. But I've always been like this and now I'm starting to wonder, what will be enough for me? What will fill the void that makes me feel so damn alone? So damn chained up. I want to run down the street and never turn back. I want to catch a flight to Wales and admire the beautiful scenery and then party so hard I have to see it all again tomorrow because I'd forget what it looks like. But I want to go home to my man whilst I sleep. And I cannot do that. I cannot have the best of both worlds. And I fear that whichever I pick I shall regret so deeply.

So riding yesterday for the first time in a week was the most amazing feeling. No one will ever understand how free I feel whilst I'm up there. Like nothing can possibly hurt me whilst I'm in the saddle.

My knee however greatly disagrees. It swelled back up is so much more painful than anyone will ever realize. I got a MR I scan done and then got a call saying to book an appointment in regards to my results.

You know they found something wrong when call you to come back in. Dammit!!

Might want to scale back on that riding until they fix your knee!

I know I should, I have no stability whilst I'm on because my knee just gives out when I apply pressure. So I'm a greater risk of falling. But it's so hard. It's the one thing that gives me motivation and relaxes me. I haven't been doing much just lots of walking and little canters. No jumping or anything.