Starting Over....again.

I like this forum. I think I'll be around here a while...so I thought I would make a journal.

I was off and on with my ex for 2 1/2 years....it ended a month and a half ago. I'm sad...but not so much over losing him. Don't get me wrong...I loved him. A lot. I still see 35 things a day that remind me of him. It's going to take a while. I think I'm more upset though over the idea...that I'm starting over. Again. At 30. Jeebus. I thought I would be married by now. Him and I talked about getting married...but...it wasn't right for a multitude of reasons....and...now I start my quest, to find my future husband...again. Ugh.

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So, because I'm a single mom and I work from home...internet dating is my primary source of meeting people. These are the stories I will chronicle. Wish me luck lol.

I'll post some recent dating disasters in a bit. Hope you're all having a fabulous Friday

So...I'm really just starting dating again. I'm not even really feeling it...I just...know I need to get out and met people and do things...I think if I do meet someone, I'll be open...but until that happens...it's kind of something I'm dragging myself to do. I had a date 3 weeks ago that turned up 100 pounds heavier than his profile picture and 2 inches shorter than he said....and...that's kind of...lowered my expectations and level of effort I'm willing to put into this.

So last week I met Raj. A 28 year old professional man...who I connected with great in our brief emails and texts. I was really excited to meet him. He loves cooking as much as I do, loves the arts (I paint)...we actually had a lot in common...until we met. I liked him in person. I thought he was well spoken and cute....But the entire date, he kept checking out other women....which was...rude in my opinion. So at the end of the date, he walked me to my car, told me how great of a time he had, told me he really liked me...and he wanted to see me again, am I free tomorrow?...To which I told him that I wasn't sure about him and I needed time to think about it. I told him I thought he was rude for checking out other women while sitting at a table with me. Like, at least be subtle dude. He told me that was who he is and he's not going to lie about it. He walked away dejected. Half an hour later, I got a text saying that he really likes me, really likes that I called him out...and on our next date he'll try not to check out other women. I told him I would think about it. So we continue to text throughout the next few days, and he started to become...more aggressive sexually in the way he would talk. Not like...dirty...but...very forward. Like we were a couple. I told him we weren't a match. He's done now.

Danny is 40 and a flight nurse. He works two weeks up in the middle of no where...and 2 weeks here...but he lives about an hour outside the city. We haven't met yet. We've had 3 skype "dates"...he annoys the bejeesus out of me in text, but I like him on skype. He was sending around 100 texts a day until I told him we weren't a match, go away...so he told me he didn't like sending that many texts either, but he wanted to stay on my radar...he's new to long distance dating and he doesn't know what he's doing...blah blah blah. He really likes me. He talks like we're a for sure thing. He's stressing me out. I feel smothered. But I like him on skype...He's also a bit arrogant...and that drives me crazy. Like, he sends selfies all the time...and I don't know how to respond. Like...nice hair dude. Omg. I think I have to tell him to go away. He's really nice...I wish he would stop smothering me. Ugh.

Andrew is 28, very cute...his profession is listed as "aviation"...not sure what that means. He told me in email that he's feeling really frustrated with eHarmony because he meets women that misrepresent themselves. He gave me his number...I texted him...we aren't really clicking in text. He doesn't seem to want to meet. I gave him the I don't think we're a match talk...and he was like, "woah, you need to calm down." what? lol. He told me we'll meet. But...he's not setting anything up...oddly...he looks at my profile every couple of days. I don't get him.

Stephan is...to be honest, I'm not sure. I think he closed me...but he's texting me...I can't see his profile anymore. He's a transportation logistics specialist. We're not going to be meeting for a while because we're taking alternate vacations. He seems nice.

Rylan is a 30 year old brick layer. He's very cute....which is probably the only reason I responded to him...He just has this really nice smile, and I just get this feeling like he's a good guy....but he's a man of few words. I don't normally date men in blue collar professions (I just find there's almost never a click)... Not sure about him tbh...He doesn't talk. Very upbeat though. We've been in open communication for a few one sentence emails and he hasn't asked for my number yet...he might be new to online dating.

I have another 29 men in my communications folder that I haven't responded to (other than to close the ones without decent jobs and close those that aren't somewhat attractive to me)...I've been lazy lately and I haven't been responding very much.

I don't really feel like any of them are great. But...I thought that with my last 3 bfs...and when I met them, it just worked...so...I don't know lol

So yesterday the sheet set that I ordered for my ex came in the mail. I forgot I ordered them. They won't fit on my bed. Today my phone went off to remind me that today was his Christmas party (I was invited a few month ago and put it in back then)...

I'm trying to set up the playbook he gave me last summer (I'm going on vacation in a week and I need to get some movies on there for the flight)...and it wasn't working because the password he had put in had expired and it was his email so I couldn't make a new one...so I emailed him about it...and I got an automatic message saying he was out of town...which means...that he's met someone else. That's what he does. My brother came home and reformatted it (I didn't know that was possible)...so now it works....but I'm kind of sad knowing that he's met someone new and I haven't.

I'm just in a funk this last 36 hours...all these things are reminding me of him. Why all at once Universe? ugh. This too shall pass.

I'm still in bed. There's a blizzard outside...I can hear the house shudder every time the wind hits the siding. I love snow storms. When I was a kid, I always thought snow was magical...I still think it is. Everything gets wiped out...a clean slate. I love the sound of snow crunching under my boots. My daughter is laying next to me...she's having a sick day today...she was up most of the night gasping. I hate croup.

I told Danny we were done. He was bugging me all day yesterday to skype...and I didn't want to get out of my pajamas and turn off the Christmas music...and hide all the wrapping paper. He was too persistent. When I told him it was done, he sent me about 15 texts pleading with me to give him one more chance....It confirmed my decision.

I started writing back to some other matches.

Locke is 34 and a software developer. He has a shaved head....which...I'm not attracted to...but he has a kind face and he's in great shape. He loves the mountains as much as I do I always ask "what does your perfect Saturday look like?" and his response was good. I've had a string of guy lately that answer "errands"...w t h lol. He talked about hiking, dinner in my favourite mountain town...which is pretty much how I would answer that question.

I'm not going to be meeting anyone for a while...I'm going to Mexico for a week on Sunday.

Hindsight is always 20/20

I didn't realize what a mess I was last month...until I took a break from everything. I started on Cipralex about 3 weeks ago, and my life is normal again. I've started going out with friends again...getting dressed...laughing. I went on a huge shopping spree and bought two new pairs of glasses (one is a zebra print frame and the other is a bright fushia cat eye frame), a ton of new clothing in bright colours and a ton of new brightly coloured jewelery (oh, and shoes)....I can't even tell you how good I feel. I needed something to get me out of that pit. I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper and no matter how hard I tried to pull myself out, I couldn't. This has given me the boost I needed to regain my footing. I can't wait for the kids to start school again so I can go back to the gym....which I haven't felt like doing in a month and a half.

The good news? I barely think about my ex now...I had no urge to contact him on Christmas and I haven't thought about talking to him in a few weeks...I still see things that make me sad, but I don't have that pit in my stomach anymore.

I had a great time in Mexico. I went with my daughter and my parents for a week. We went on a boat ride safari, fed crocodiles, held baby turtles still in their shells and released them into the ocean, went horseback riding and went on many walks along the deserted beach at our resort. It was beautiful. It was so peaceful. I needed that.

I hadn't signed into my eH for a few weeks...and when I signed back in, I had about 20 new messages waiting for me. I met up with Moe last night...and had a really great time. He's a 33 year old American (originally from Pakistan) that's been living here about a year. He does finances for a large company up here. He's very smart, very well traveled and educated...and very funny. Conversation flowed insanely well. I'm not entirely sure I'm attracted to him yet, but I don't find him unattractive....and he smells good. We went for drinks that turned into dinner...and then meeting up with some of my friends at a pub. Because he's only been in my city for a year, we're taking a day trip to the mountains on Sunday and I'm going to take him on a hike and to my favourite brewery.

Life is good

So I had a second date with Moe...we had a huge snow storm the day before...so instead of driving through an unlit not so well traveled highway, I invited him over for dinner instead. It was a good dinner...conversation didn't flow quite as well....not his fault, I was tired and not fully with it. He kissed me....and it was...really wet. Like...it turned me off totally.

I'm not sure what to do. Normally, I drop the no chemistry people...and date those that I have the off the wall chemistry with...but that hasn't been working for me. I feel really at a loss. Do I keep dating him and hope the chemistry grows? He really likes me. He's a really good guy. I guess...if I didn't have other options, I'd probably be more inclined to stick it out...but I have other dating options...I just....feel like I'm passing on a really good man. I don't know

I ended up meeting Locke...The minute we met, we were both like "no" instantly lol. We had a beer, chatted for about an hour....good conversation...but NO attraction on either end. I thanked him for the beer at the end and wished him well...and knew/hoped I'd never hear from him again.

I'm meeting with Stephan tomorrow morning for coffee. He's rescheduled this date twice...I'm not so sure about him.

I have a whole que of people on eH that I need to respond to and a few that are asking to exchange numbers...I've had a flu for the last few days...so sleep has been better than typing

If anyone has any thoughts on the chemistry thing with Moe, I would really love to hear them. I actually told him I wasn't sure about the chemistry on my end...and he told me that in his experience, he usually lets it grow....but I don't know how that works or why people would do it (my guess is that it's cultural for him).

You guys are a tough crowd.

Hmmm....seems like the two new hot dudes from the pm are keeping you busy.

Hey DF

Partly busy from guys and partly busy redecorating

So...with Moe...we went out again...and I just didn't want to kiss him. I told him that I don't think chemistry is going to grow in this instance...there isn't any there to begin with...I just don't find him repulsive (I didn't say the repulsive part lol). He now wants to be "friends"...so we're going to go see the Hobbit this Sunday...and I'll see....If he's still hung up on me, I'll let him go...but he insists we can just be friends...so...

So I met Lee from eH last weekend...he's a sales rep for a tobacco company. He's very charming, cute, interesting....and everything we talked about (EVERYTHING....like religion, life goals, parenting views, politics) we agreed on....it was kind of neat. He thinks it's really cool that I'm an artist and wants to see my work. He's coming over on Sunday...we're going to make breakfast because...it's going to be a mess out on the streets.

Mike...I met him on kijiji...which is like Canadian Craiglist...no, not in the dating section ha. I bought a table off of him....and we clicked. He wants painting lessons from me...which everyone says...means that he's interested in me...and not art...but we'll see. Interestingly, he's friends with a bunch of mutual friends. He's in Florida right now for work, so we won't get to meet up for a few weeks.

I haven't been on eH at all this week....I've been repainting and redecorating my place....I just...want bright colours and happiness around me...and this is making me feel good....so I'm going with it

I have a few cute guys that have written me...I should probably respond....I just...feel very content right now. I don't feel like I need anyone....I'm not even sure that I want anyone or anything serious right now. I do miss sex though lol. I think that's what's fueling me talking to any of these men...but they seem like good guys...so if I can take my time and keep my pants on, things should work out okay

Hey! Nice update.

Hmm....Moe seems iffy. I know you are smart and will boot him if he tries the "I will loiter as a "friend" so you can see how wonderful and irresistible I am and fall for me madly." I totally hear you about the when it's not there, it's just not there. I sometimes wonder why it's such a hard concept for men to get. I mean surely there are women they are not attracted to as well.

Anyway, kind of rooting for the craiglist boy - it's too cute and totally, he is not coming over because he just loves art so much and can't possibly get lessons somewhere else...lmao....Promising, verrrrryyyy promising.

I say respond to the others, keep things going. It's always good to have something in the pipeline. I know my personal experience was that the most promising guys turned into the biggest duds after a few dates. It's nice not to have that feeling of "ugh..I have to go back to my inbox" instead just be able to shrug it off and go "oh well, I have another date on Sat. with someone new."

Oh and so happy I'm not getting the silly error message on your thread....well....you might regret that one soon enough.

Awww, I always love your incredibly accurate insights DF, and I'm so glad that you take time to tell me what you think

This weekend was pretty amazing. I had a girls night on Friday....I hosted because I had my daughter that night. So we all painted our nails, drank wine, watched young Leo in Titanic and talked about how dumb some guys are. It was fun The next morning my daughter had a playdate here with one of my bffs sons, so us moms got to hang out...then I had a 4 hour interview which I landed for a company that places people who need supported living with hosts. So...basically, I will be getting paid enough that I won't need to go outside my home to work...and I'll have a roommate that has a day program or a full time job, so I'll have the days to myself...my primary function is to help them build relationships with other people, become part of the community, manage their money...that kind of thing. It's basically the kind of stuff I did with my dayhome except this is one adult instead of 8 children. I'm actually pretty excited because I think I'm going to really like this....AND...I can go back to school while s/he is at their day program. So...I'm going to continue to work on launching my art career.

So...in dating. Lee and I were supposed to have breakfast, but he texted me on Friday to let me know he couldn't meet because he had a game Sunday at noon...and asked me if I could reschedule. So he took me out for dinner last night. It was a really lovely evening...I'm kind of smitten. We kissed several times and the chemistry is totally there. We view things the same...we finish each others sentences. We listen to the same obscure music...I don't know...I like this guy he makes me smile

Haven't heard from Mike in a few days...he doesn't get back from Florida for another week and a half...

I feel kind of weird right now. I know it's really early to stop dating other men...and this might have more to do with the prospects than Lee...One of the guys is 33 and I totally forget what he does...I started talking to him over a month ago. He lives about 3 hours away. I REALLY liked him initially...but when I found out he had gotten out of a 7 year relationship (where he was cheated on) in October, I completely backed off and blankly told him that he needed more time (because he started rambling about her in a conversation and it freaked me out). So...we haven't really been talking...but he asked me if he could come here and meet me next weekend....like he would get a hotel and spend all of Sunday with me.....I'm trying to convince him to skype first....I just don't have any interest in him at this point.....which i told him....but he seems to think we just need to meet.

I cancelled on Moe. I don't think we'll be able to be friends...and I already have too many friends that want my time....I'm not making room in my life for like a fake friend that I don't have a connection with.

I'm supposed to have a first meet with Hardip, a 33 year old man that works for Canada Revenue....he's very cute...I don't know very much about him. He doesn't really list many hobbies...I have no idea how long he's lived here...his first email was like a "hi do you want to meet?" kind of thing...and being the superficial person that I am, I agreed because he's very attractive *smacks forehead* That's next Sunday....but I kind of want to watch a movie and make out with Lee instead

Ha! That's why I have a strict hands off policy for at least two or three dates. Keeps my head clear and keeps me from jumping on the I really just want to rip his clothes off wagon too soon. Well..... that's the theory anyway....lol....

I wouldn't want to waste time on the 7 year relationship dude. He sounds pushy and definitely on rebound. Not worth the time and certainly not a whole days worth. As for the tax dude, personally I loved the straight to the point lets meet and see type approach. I mean you will either like each other in person or not and no amount of get to know you emails is going to change that.

Very cool about the income situation. Very intersting too. I had no idea something like that even exists. How did you find out about it?

Ha! It's a great theory...but I also find that if I'm not thinking "I want to make out with him" by the first or second date, it's doomed....and I wanted to make out with him the minute I met him lol. He's not like super hot in a traditional sense. He's an inch taller than me, broad shouldered and all that...I don't know...he just has a nice smile and he's awkward enough/not smooth enough that I don't see him being a player.

I really like the directness too. I always think that a guy has more feminine energy the longer he wants to email...It's a turn off. I will meet with him...and I think you're right. I will tell Ryan (7 year guy) that he needs to move on.

One of my friends does the assisted living. I thought it sounded too good to be true (it pays very well), but...through talking to her and through google, it seems to be a legit deal. My friend has been doing it for 17 years...she said she's never referred anyone to the program before...(I met her through a friend a few years ago and I've only met her about 6 times)...she started asking me about it last time, like...what my plans were after I close down my dayhome...and the more she told me about what her day to day life is like, the more I could see myself doing this. It's not for everyone. People in the program often have difficult personalities and are very set in their ways...so it's not going to be super easy...there will be an adjustment period...but...I feel like the last 5 years of my life have been training me for this job...and what a great opportunity for my daughter to grow up with so much diversity. I just see so many benefits to doing this

That awkward moment when your exes ex recognizes and accosts you in the natural foods aisle at the grocery store. It's like...this will never end with him

On a good note...have a short date with Lee tonight...he's coming over to hang out with me when my daughter goes to bed...but just for a bit, he has hockey at 9 (which is good- we can't get into too much trouble ) I really like him. A lot. I've kind of stopped talking to everyone else....*crosses fingers*

Lee ended up spending Friday night with me and missing hockey...and Saturday night. It was a lot of fun! We're very sexually compatible (which is a huge thing for me). I'm quite taken with him I usually date really quiet men...and he's not. We have great conversations on world views, our experiences growing up, politics...it's just incredible. We see things very similarly...and I can tell already that his primary love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation, which are the same as mine. I really like that he talks...and how, like...wholesome he is. He plays hockey 4 nights a week, he has a beautiful house in the 'burbs (not something I'm as interested in...I prefer inner city, but I see why he likes it out there) that he bought because he wants to get married and have children....he cooks...he's just...well rounded. I'm gushing *blushes* Lol.

So I was supposed to meet with Hardip on Sunday, so I sent him a text on Saturday apologizing saying that I met someone and that I wouldn't be able to meet him, and wished him all the best. He then sent me about 20 texts explaining that he really liked me and wanted to meet me, and that I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket...it was a complete turn off. I'm so glad I didn't meet him....it was really weird. And surprising...he's a good looking guy, I can't imagine it's hard for him to get dates.

Mike is back in town and sent me an email last night about getting together to work on art projects. I'm not sure what to do here....he hasn't like...asked me out...he's really only talked about art and furniture refinishing with me...I'm not sure how to respond. It would be really fun to have someone to paint with and bounce ideas off of...but I don't want to give him the wrong idea. I don't think Lee would care if I painted with Mike....

It's so funny how life can change so fast.

Oh...lol....too cute...you are gushing and you soooooo deserve it! I know a lot of peeps on here don't know about all the troubles with your ex, but boy oh boy do you deserve this. I know the skeptic in me is raising it's head going "but it's the early days yet...." and the optimist on my shoulder is saying "to heck with it, enjoy the moment for all it's worth!!!!!".

Yeah, I still don't think Mike only wants to paint. It's just that this is his "in" with you at the moment. It's a tough call, but if you are pretty sure about Lee, then I wouldn't muck about with Mike.

Hmmm....side note.....Lee should actually care if you are mucking about with Mike if Lee really likes you. So even if he doesn't say anything out loud, he might end up drawing some conclusions that wouldn't be good for you. It's one thing when you are talking about painting with an old friend and another when it's some dude you've just randomly met recently and you are seeking to cultivate something with him. It kind of doesn't look good and Lee doesn't know you enough to know what to think necessarily. Even the most confident man might go "hmmm...." when faced with this scenario. You don't want to get demoted to the fun for now girl with Lee.

Thank you, my friend G

Getting over M was...the longest, hardest process....but it's so nice to actually be happy. I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to get over him. I remember starting on these boards thinking, "omg, there are people on here that are still in love with their exes a year later...please don't let that be me." But changing all my furniture out, starting a new job, enrolling in school (I had an interview yesterday with a provincially funded school and out of 400 applicants, they only take 30 a year...and I got in )...changing my wardrobe, taking up new hobbies, spending tons of time with friends and family...has created this new space for me to be me without him. I have a completely different life than I did 2 months ago. It's kind of unbelievable when I think about how much has changed. The lesson? If you aren't happy, think of why...and do something about it. We create our own destiny...we must own it.

Even if Lee and I don't work out, I'll still be glad for this experience. He's just...such a nice guy. He's very kind, and supportive...normally I'm not attracted to guys like him because I crush nice guys...but he's got enough backbone that I don't worry about him...and....it's so weird...I was with M for 2 1/2 years...and I could never figure out what to get him for gifts, or what to do for a romantic surprise for him...but with Lee, there's just so much chemistry and connection, I already have things in mind that I one day would like to do for him/with him. One day at a time. And I'm going to enjoy every minute of it

Lee is going out of town this weekend...so I'm not going to mention that Mike is coming over to paint...I'm not interested in Mike. He was talking about starting up a furniture refinishing business with one of his buddies....Mike can build furniture, he's a very handy guy...so maybe he came into my life to be part of my new business.

Did I tell you about that? The school I was accepted into is a entrepreneurship program that will help launch new businesses...they help create budgets, marketing strategies...they even give out loans...so when I showed the prof my portfolio, he loved my work and that was the basis of me getting into the program....So at the end of this, I'll be a "Colour Consultant"...mural painting, furniture refinishing, interior design as well as my canvases....I'm so excited that in 4 months from now, I'll be doing what wakes me up at 4am because I can't wait to see what it's going to look like...every day. For money. So freaking awesome

Mat created a new email so he could facetime me last night. I have him blocked in every other medium...I was asleep so I missed it...but I'm proud to say that I blocked that email address too without even really thinking about it. He always can sense when I'm happy with someone else...he always comes back. The difference this time? I have nothing left for him. I'm happy in my life....I don't need him.

Two months ago, I never would have thought this would be possible. Yay

Mat created a new email so he could facetime me last night. I have him blocked in every other medium...I was asleep so I missed it...but I'm proud to say that I blocked that email address too without even really thinking about it. He always can sense when I'm happy with someone else...he always comes back. The difference this time? I have nothing left for him. I'm happy in my life....I don't need him.

 

Two months ago, I never would have thought this would be possible. Yay

 

That has to feel amazing and empowering! It's like you finally feel in control of your life and happiness again.

Very interesting about Mike and the furniture thing. You never know. Sometimes people do come into your life for a reason.

You had mentioned the entrepreneurship course, but I had no idea it was this involved. It sounds really interesting. Do you mind pm'ing me the info like a website or something - I'm really curious how it's all set up and presented. We don't have anything quite like that in the US that I know of anyway, but oddly I was talking to a vc friend of mine the other day and we were tossing around an idea creating something similar.

So I've now arranged for family to take care of my daughter when I'm in class (child care is $800 a month here...and I only need it for a month...so it's nice that people are stepping up to help out.

I had a second interview with the Supportive Roommate company yesterday, and it went incredibly well for me. Even though I have no major experience with developmentally delayed people, my new case worker really liked me and thought I would be a great addition to the company. So...I'm hired. I have a meeting with someone who needs a roommate tomorrow. So I'll meet her, if we get along, we'll have a few more meetings, then she'll come stay with me for a few weekend...and if everything goes well, she'll move in on March 1st. She seems pretty cool, actually. She's 26, originally from Jamaica. She needs a supportive roommate because she has bopolar disorder...in the last 8 years, she's had two episodes. She wants to learn how to cook...she's in post secondary education right now because she wants be become a childcare worker...So...I guess we'll see how it goes.

Yesterday Lee met my daughter. I know...super early. Slow down. Totally get it ...we just have fun together. He's so good with her...Mat used to put on the TV every time Tine was around because he didn't want to have to talk to her (Why did I stay so long?!?!) but last night...Tine and Lee played soccer together...she really likes him. I already gave her the "I don't know if I'm going to always be with Lee, but he's a nice man and I want you two to know each other" kind of talk...and her and I had a big conversation where she asked questions about how relationships work...She's a smart kid. We all had dinner together last night...it was just nice.

Today Mike came over for a bit...I did explain the whole thing to Lee...that I like Mike because he's into furniture too, and he's a celliac so it's nice to talk to someone about things I can eat. And Lee told me he trusts me and he's glad that I have someone I can run painting ideas by.

I went off my anti depressants last week...and I expected that I would have some regression or sadness (the meds my dr put me on are apparently quite addictive) but I've been fine. Things just keep getting better and better. I've been doing a ton of painting, a lot of furniture projects (including refinishing a massive headboard and side tables for Lee...for a Valentines Day surprise (he always comments on how nice my bed frame is...it's funny, he doesn't have bedroom furniture...he has this beautiful house...and really nice, but very minimalist furniture...he's such a guy lol)

Tine and I went to the pet store a few days ago and bought her pet mice...she's totally in love with them.

I'm talking a lot

You left Mat when the time was right. Seems like a lot of things are aligning for you nicely. I sometimes wonder if we end up in bad relationships/situations so that we really understand and appreciate the good times because otherwise we wouldn't.

You left Mat when the time was right. Seems like a lot of things are aligning for you nicely. I sometimes wonder if we end up in bad relationships/situations so that we really understand and appreciate the good times because otherwise we wouldn't.

Oh DF, it's been crazy how much I've been realizing how toxic things were with Mat...and why everyone in my life was urging me to walk away for so long. I didn't realize how much he made me...feel small. Not worthy. Like I couldn't be of value because I didn't work downtown. When I told Mat I wanted to focus on my art, he told me that it "probably wouldn't work and why don't (I) just go back to school and become a legal assistant or something in an office?" When I told him about the assisted roommate thing, he told me it was a terrible idea and that he had no interest in spending time with "retards" and how would he ever move in if I had a roommate?

I just....I don't know if things will work out with Lee. He doesn't know either. He's just so freaking supportive of everything that I want to do. We have a date on Saturday to go to the museum because he wants to see what inspires me. When the Escher exhibit came here, I couldn't convince mat to go with me...and I could only go on weekends at that point and if I "ditched him" he would be mad...so I never saw it. Lee engages Tine...when I told him about the roommate potentially moving in, he told me it was great, he'd hang out with all of us and joked that we'd better move my headboard off the wall I'm sharing with my spare room lol.

I'm not trying to compare Mat and Lee...but the stark contrast in how they view me as a person is so apparent that I feel gutted when I think back on how hard I tried to make things work with Mat for the last 2 1/2 years when it's obvious now that...while I'm sure he loved me, he didn't really like me as a person all that much.

Sorry I'm talking so much...I think I'm just sorting through the last residual Mat feelings before I can let them go and hopefully stop loathing him. I still feel hot anger when I think of him...and I'd really like to feel indifference. Although, I do think I'm getting closer.

This morning Lee and I were cuddling in bed...and he said, "I know this is soon...way too soon to say this...and I know I don't know all of you...I can't wait to know everything about you...but right now...every part of you that I've seen...I love." I melted.

He's coming over on Friday to meet my parents o.0

I am around your age and yes the thing that kept me stuck was starting over at 30. We are not done with the push pull dance yet thought officially we are broken up. But I understand what you are going through and am kind of surprised there are many others here like me. Good luck to you. You seem to be doing well for yourself.