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Thread: Torn between relationship and being "homesick"

  1. #1
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    Torn between relationship and being "homesick"

    I'm not sure if I put this in the right thread. But since my boyfriend and I are living together for the past two years and I feel this is a serious longterm adult relationship(we are both in our 30's) that I felt this was a more appropriate thread to put this in. I remember 4 or so years ago before I'm with the wonderful guy I am with now. I went through probably the worst break up in my life and came on E Not Alone and it really helped me. So here it goes...

    In this coming May it will have been two years ago that I moved from Florida to New England to be with my boyfriend. We did the long distance relationship and visited one another for a little over a year before I decided to move up here. The reason why I moved instead of him. Is because at the time my family and living situation was unhealthy and I was trying to finish school and it was becoming difficult with family drama. I felt I had alienated alot of my friends because school was my first priority and felt I had no strong ties to stay any longer. I never really moved really far away from home(the furthest away was 3 hours) and that really bothered me that I hadn't experienced that. My boyfriend has a much higher paid and promising job and we would have been really struggling finacially if he would have moved to Florida. And since I was getting older and I really love him that I would be stupid to not sacrifice some things to be with him.

    I knew I would be homesick in the beginning, it was a huge change and adjustment. But here it is almost two years later and I feel the same way I did here a few months after the move. I don't make friends easy and I don't have one friend here that I can confide or feel a friendship connection with. The town itself is something to be desired(it's a small town) I am use to a medium size town not a huge city. My job situation has not improved. I was not happy with my job back home but at least I had higher pay and benefits. Here I am with a degree now and getting paid less with no benefits as a temp. The job market is hard here because it is such a small town and the nearest city would be an hour drive one way. Our realtionship I feel we have become more like best friends than lovers. I hope this isn't TMI. But I haven't felt the desire to really be sexually intimate with him in about 6 months. He still very much wants to be with me and be intimate. I feel a big reason why is because I'm bored here and depressed and therefore I don't feel sexual. I have explained this to him how I am home sick. But he really doesn't seem to want to budge as far as moving to Florida. He says there isn't a job market for what his career focus is but he is open to moving other places. he also doesn't want to move away because he family is here and his grandparents are very old. I told him I left elderly family members back home also. And then he says things like "oh so it's a competition then?" I know he's just hurt and angry when I say i'm not happy here but it's just difficult to here him say those things. I just don't know what to do because I can't really move back home even if I finally decided to because I don't have the finances to do that. I am also scared that if I leave this realtionship I am throwing away something good and might be my last chance to be with someone and start a family, because I am 37. The one thing we really don't seee eye to eye with and I think would make things 50% better is having a social life. Having friends and being sociable is fairly important to me and he had falling outs with alot of his friends here and doesn't really care to make amends or to have friends because that's not a priority to him in his life. Even though I think from time to time and does want a buddy to hang out with. I just need to talk with someone and figure out what I should do. Right now I'm telling myself one more year and see how I feel. But its still hard day to day missing my old life. Thank you for reading this long post and your friendly advice would be beneficial.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    I'm one of those people who don't understand the 'best friend' situation, cuz my ex bf was my best friend. Plus i worked as a hairdresser and massage therapist, and i had plenty of people interaction.

    Are you able to meet friends from work? How about a neighbor. After my ex dumped me, i hung out with an old 84 yr. old and watched tv....lol

    Also, Florida is a GREAT place to travel to during the COLD New England winters. Do you not take vacations? I'm from the midwest, and ex and i would travel to Florida almost every winter. Being with your family for a week during those winter months might make the 'blahs' go away, and have something for you to look forward to. Plan and save your money. If he won't go, say that you are flying/driving down by yourself.

    If you have a two week vacation at work, you could go once in the winter and once in the late spring....

    Maybe that would help with your homesickness.

    Actually, doesn't seem like bf is very understanding...and since he drove off all his friends...he must have some issues.

  3. #3
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    I've heard talk on this forum about meetup it's a website for basically strangers to meet and hangout. Basically groups of people that want to be social. Great for people new to an area.

    I am concerned that he doesn't want friends. Does he at least spend time with his family? How does he feel about both of you having your own social friends. People that you can hang out with without always inviting him along and vice versa?

    Please, do not stay in a relationship just because you feel like your options are slim. There are men out there that want you to be socially engaged and what themselves to have a group of good buddies.

    I think the best thing you can do right now, is take this "one more year" to really step up and meet people. Don't focus on elevating them to "friend" status yet. Just focus on being socially active as much as possible. Use the weekend to drive the hour to the nearest city for some social time.

    Before I met my girlfriend, I had decided to focus on making friends instead of finding a girlfriend. So I set my goal on something equally important and yet possible a stepping stone to my big goal. So focus on meeting new people and then later decide if any of those people are worth seeing again. Don't flirt! I know you are not emotionally connected right now with your BF, but focus on the female friends otherwise you are putting yourself in a bad situation.

    Do you have any barriers to being social? Are you shy or anything? What's prevented you from meeting people in New England?

  4. #4
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    @RealityNut : I have though about saving up to visit back home twice a year. Even I was very very careful with my money I may be able to afford it. I think that would help alot, or hope it will. He's told me what happened with him with previous friendships. He says some were sort of his fault where he just didn't stay in contact with some friends. Others he said weren't good people to hang out with and he no longer wanted to really associate with people like that, which i completely understand. But, he also stated that having friendships are not really important to him in life. He is very close to his family though. I can't really blame him for that, everyone has different priorites and what they view as important in life, and which just disagree on how important friendships and socialization or whatever you want to call it are. It's just the cliche thing that you really need to get to know someone before you decide to be in a relationship with them and how worth things are I guess. But I will try to save up a trip to visit girlfriends and family back home and see if that helps. It will give me something to look forward to like you stated.

    @CatchersRye: No we had that talk a little bit and as like I mentioned in my response to Realitynut He has told me that friendships are not a huge priority in his life. Probably because of past experiences, which I get. He wants me to try to meet friends. He even suggested joining a gym, which I have. And things like that. He also is very close with his family,especially his grandparents. I have tried to create a few friendships at work. But I work in a small office with a lot of big time gossipy women. Most of them don't seem to like me and the others that are friendlier toward me are so gossipy and don't really trust any of them; and I am already concerned that might not be the best place to make friends unfortunately. I am a little shy and it is hard for me to make friendships. I have sorta befriended my hairdresser but she lives an hour away in the city. i think its sometimes to difficult for me to meet people because I'm just so tired and have things to do after work. Also, I feel sometimes peoples lives at my age are so full already. They already have a family starting and a close group of friends that there really isn't much room for new friendships to form because they feel their lives are already full. I will take your advice to heart and try to be more social and not put up walls to making friendships. See where things are a year from now and reassess things. I have already started a journal so I can read back and see if I feel like things have improved or not.

    Thanks to you both for your feedback!

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  6. #5
    So what ended up happening? Iím in the same situation and would love to hear how things turned out!


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