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Thread: Long distance relationship, inattentive girlfriend...getting frustrated

  1. #1
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    Long distance relationship, inattentive girlfriend...getting frustrated

    Hi guys and girls,

    So I live in the UK and I went to University in Nottingham, graduated a couple of years back and living and working in Reading now. I visited Nottingham for alternative Freshers week, with the Rock Society, wherein they do awesome alternative things such as gigs and bar crawls. I have a bunch of friends still there and am always happy to meet new people. My first night there, I saw this amazing girl...the moment I saw her I fell for her. This doesn't happen to me at all, I don't fall for people, I've spent the last two years having friends with benefits and thinking I'm incapable of anything approaching "love".

    But this girl swept all that away, and all my rules and notions. I absolutely DON'T do long distance...until her, when I couldn't NOT try it.

    So I danced with her, got her number, went out the next day for a walk round the lake with her. Came back the week after for a date which went amazingly, started dating then. We've been together exclusively for a good month and a half now.

    I'm 24 and she's 18, she's young and she doesn't seem to know how to handle a relationship. She struggles with affection, I'm not sure whether it's that she doesn't feel it or she just doesn't know how to express and receive it. It's really frustrating because affection is a huge part of a relationship for me but if I try and say anything nice she turns it into a joke. She knows how I feel about this but she still can't bring herself to be affectionate. Not that she doesn't want to (she says) but that affection makes her feel uncomfortable.

    What's REALLY frustrating me right now is that we'll be texting back and forth and then mid conversation I get nothing back from her at all. I won't hear from her for hours, without even a warning, a brb or I'm off to do this or that. We can even be chatting on Facebook, back and forth, and then suddenly she'll stop responding. Not so much as a bye. I don't know if I'm overreacting but it's making me unhappy, it seems downright rude. I don't want or expect her to CONSTANTLY be in contact, but this is a new relationship, and one over distance too, it would be nice of her to at least let me know when she's going to disappear. It's the equivalent of having a conversation with someone face to face, and having them just turn away and walk off.

    I'm getting angry and frustrated with her but with her inability to communicate anything deeper than a puddle, I'm really not sure how to talk to her about this, or how to approach it. I've become short in my responses and I'm fighting the childish temptation to just start ignoring her or spend hours to respond to her texts and disappear without warning. But I don't want to be childish and play games and hope she gets the message, nor do I wish to be angry at her, or make "jokes" which are snide reminders of the real issue. I want to deal with this in an adult way.

    Am I overthinking this? Is it too early in a relationship to be bringing up issues and having deep talks? Or do I really need to sit down (over the phone - damn distance), watch her squirm but somehow get her to open up so I can properly tell her how I feel and where my issues lie? Of course I'm worried that anything I do this early on might rock the boat.

    Help please

  2. #2
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    Do you think she is as serious about you as you are about her?

    I find affection a deal breaker, affection is really important to me, but to others it isnt important/neccesary, and i dont think it comes naturally to everyone, if this is the case with her then i think you need to decide if you can carry on with someone like this, at the end of the day you can't change her. Perhaps she isn't the right girl for you.

    How often do you see her?

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    I think she is.

    Affection is very important to me, it's not that she doesn't want to be affectionate she's just unsure how to be without being "creepy". To me affection for someone you care for isn't creepy. She is occasionally really affectionate though, with one sentence, before she gets freaked out, but enough every now and then to show she cares thankfully. Not as often as I'd like but she's brilliant in so many ways I can definitely put up with it.

    As far as the disappearing act things goes, we had a talk about that tonight and she admitted it was bad of her and felt really bad and is going to at least let me know now when she's going to be gone for a few hours.

    I get to see her every couple of weeks usually, but it'll have been about 3 weeks since I've seen her by the next time I see her, and then I won't see her till next year.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    That sounds like me when i was a teen. I myself thought the behavior was irrational but it took me long to relax. Looking back i understand the reluctance to be affectionate (even though i've wanted to be) came from always having had my emotions ridiculed- at home,school, everywhere. My first boyfriend, who was five years older than me, was really patient and after a few months i was able to open up.I haven't had that problem since, i guess it just took someone extremely patient to sweet talk me out of the shell. I'm hoping that's all there is, an emotional barrier that'll go down in a while, teens often feel pressed to act tough so the transition to a world where gentleness isn't a weakness takes a little adjusting

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    I couldn't agree with you more, I know she feels the pressure to act cool and to seem cool. She is often surprised at things I wouldn't expect her to be. For example, I told her she's the only person I want to sleep with and her response was "that's weird". She thought that guys are all lustful and was mildly disbelieving that I would only want to be with her, and it isn't what she's used to. She said that's how relationships should be but it's not what she's had, then she told me I'm wonderful and she wished she could kiss me.

    Sounds like she's had some bad relationships and is holding something of herself back, expecting me to be a "typical guy". She once texted me, when she was very drunk, that she couldn't believe that I'd like her, I'm older, I'm cool, I have my life together and I'm too good to be true, I must be having her on. I get the odd bit of affection from her when she's very drunk, wish it could be while she was sober.

    I guess I'm just going to have to be very patient, and show her not with words but with actions that I'm not looking to sleep with other people, that I do like her, and I do want to be with her. Only, not with words at all, because she gets freaked out. She also admitted that she has a tendency to get bored of people. Basically, typical 18 year old stuff, head all over the place xD I'm just going to have to be cool with her, and let her overcome her disbelief in her own time, and then when that starts happening, hopefully she'll open up a bit more and allow herself to be a bit more vulnerable, knowing it isn't going to backfire.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    Uhm, yup, i agree, sounds like she dated guys who don't take a girl seriously. And if they gave her a negative image of herself she might have subconsciously chosen a long distance thing because she fears someone who would see her and know her all the time wouldn't like her...

    Hey, do you have friends who are in loving relationships? Perhaps if you could manage to gradually introduce her to more affectionate couples (maybe even just facebook friends) it would help her realize she's actually gained entry into that world. Poor kid, really hoping she relaxes soon but in any case when she does, she's gonna be grateful someone made her realize she's worth the love.

    I wouldn't stop talking affectionately though,just go slow with it-it'll rub off on her in time As much as she seems to freak out i'm pretty sure it's not HEARING them that scares her but the thought of saying them herself. some of us are soooo stiff when it comes to saying things despite the fact that we feel them really strongly, god knows whose influence on her it is that you're struggling to erase.

    She sounds like someone who's so tender that the ruggedness of her peers made her think that was a bad thing- you know how cat's don't want their bellies rubbed, it's the softest and most vulnerable part. Rumi says wherever men put a big lock that's a sign there's a great treasure there.

    Might be a long road, you mention her drinking quite often too, there could be a lot of teenage angst there...

    Good luck, i have the feeling that if all goes well once the dam breaks and she starts expressing her feelings you'll be showered with affection
    Last edited by RainyCoast; 11-25-2013 at 08:22 AM.

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    Member StilettoHeels's Avatar
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    Ugh - you're 24 years old and expecting an 18 year old teenage kid to be at your level. She's a teenage girl with pretty much zero experience in the REAL world and you're expecting her to behave like a young woman in her mid-20's.

    Ain't happening.

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    I just have to thank RainyCoast for the fantastic insight, understanding and advice you gave. I let her go at her own pace and remained loving and patient and now we've been together nearly 3 months and she's finally let me in, she says she loves me all the time and she's really warm and affectionate and very happy with me, and I with her

    Very happy right now.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    AWWWWWWWW YISSSS that is great, congradulations to both of you

  11. #10
    I know this is literally 6 years later, but Im now experiencing the exact same issue and reading the advice provided has been incredibly insightful, I know neither of you have been active in years but Id love to hear if Cherry and his girl are still together. At the very least I feel this advice will get me to the next step with myself and my girl.

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