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"Best" friend acting cold and distant


Leyla

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Hello all! I'm posting here because I've had this problem with this guy who's technically still my best friend. For the past few months he's started to grow more and more distant, and I really don't know why. Before that we used to be the best friends in the world. We were such close friends that people at uni would often ask us if we were a couple. A couple of months ago, he started to withdraw from our friendship, and I'm not sure why. I guess he was stressed and busy studying for exams. I decided to be patient, and wait until his exams were over. During this waiting period, I tried to give him space, and got busy with my own life. The thing is, the more I gave him space, the more distant he became. It got to the point where he wouldn't even talk to me anymore. Then he started making new friends. He went out with them after class to have lunch almost every day. He never invited me to go with them. Worse than that, he'd invite his new friends over to lunch right in front of me, and not invite me. Even worse than that, whenever I'd ask him to do something together, he'd always decline saying he was too busy (then he'd go have lunch with his new friends).

I confronted him about his behaviour several times but nothing changed. The more I tried to talk to him, the less he was willing to talk to me.

In June my uncle died, and I told him about it and how bad I felt. After telling him, he never once asked me how I felt. He simply continued to ignore me and kept on going out with his new friends without inviting me.

One day at the end of June, I felt so depressed and heartbroken by everything going on in my life at the time that I simply burst out in tears on a bench at school. My friend arrived and sat on the bench beside me. He immediately noticed I was crying, and asked me what was wrong, if I felt bad because of my uncle's death. I told him I couldn't deal with his attitude anymore. At first he listened patiently, and seemed a little apologetic. Then I told him something very hurtful I probably shouldn't have said: I told him that despite being my best friend, he was never there for me. Upon hearing that, he got up and started to leave. I cried out in pain, but he never came back, and left me there alone to cry. I got up and started to run after him. I told him something even more hurtful (something I regret up until this day): I told him our friendship was over. I also said that if I truly mattered to him as a friend, he'd contact me during the week-end. He never contacted me, and I ended up being the one who apologized and I begged him to take me back as a friend.

We became friends again, and things were pretty much fine. He still ignored me a lot, but he started paying me a little bit more attention. However, as the weeks passed, he started to grow distant again just like before, too busy with his new friends to pay me any attention. At uni, whenever I'd try to talk to him or make small talk, he'd answer with a simple grunt. I thought he was angry at me, so I confronted him about it. He said he wasn't angry at me, but he wanted some distance between us. I gave him his space.

 

Then one week-end we had an outing with some friends. He acted towards me like nothing had happened. We laughed and we joked like old times, and our friends joked again that our relationship was so good that we looked like a couple. The next day I met him in a café and he talked to my family on Skype. We laughed a lot together, and he promised he'd come to my country with me to visit my family in the future. What's weird is that back at uni, the next day, on Monday, he went back to acting cold and distant towards me just like before.

 

Ever since then, he's been hot and cold towards me. Whenever we have an outing with some friends (or whenever it's just the two of us talking together) he acts normal, and we have a great time. However, when we're at uni (and especially in class or in front of other people) he acts ice-cold towards me. He never comes up to talk to me. I always have to make the first move. I try to be kind and understanding. I give him space. I try not to confront him anymore, and I try not get mad at him like I used to before for ignoring me. I even wrote him a letter to encourage him for his exams, and I never got a thank you. I wish I knew what made him suddenly change! Lately he complains a lot that I shouldn't be so kind to people because they'll hurt my feelings. I think he's really starting to take my friendship for granted.

 

I think the worst part of it all is that he acts this way only towards me. He'll laugh with everyone around him in our class, and whenever I come up to talk to him his smile vanishes and all I get is a shrug or a grunt. I think the most noticeable example of this happened a couple of weeks ago. I introduced him to a friend of mine, and he acted all sympathetic to the guy. He laughed with him, shook his hand, hugged him, and basically acted very friendly. Then, after the guy had left, the smile on my friend's face suddenly vanished. He started to talk to me very coldly and said "why did you have to introduce him to me? Did you really need to do that??". I just replied I introduced him because he'd asked to meet my friend. My friend then calmed himself down, changed the topic, and went on to ask me how I'd been lately.

 

A lot of people around me are telling me that he's changed, and I should give up on our friendship, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. Everybody at uni was really stressed lately because of our final exams, which ended yesterday. Anyway, I decided it was time to seek advice after being coldly shrugged off by my friend again today at uni. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm his punching bag, sometimes like I'm a ghost, and other times like I'm his dog. I felt so happy and I was in such a good mood this morning, but when I talked to him to ask him how his exams went and all I got was a shrug and a "the bell has rang, you know!" (meaning "go back to your seat!"), it instantly killed my mood. No one deserves to be treated the way he treats me. I don't know why I even try. I guess I am too kind after all.

 

What would you do if you were me?

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You need to drop the friendship, because he's already dropped it, by his actions if not his words. You should never persist with someone when they're obviously ignoring you, especially when it's been going on for so long. Maybe one or two times you could overlook if there was some possible explanation for it, but not to this extent. The thing is, he will probably never tell you outright why he's gone cold on you and sadly you'll be left wondering, but it is over and you have to accept that. I don't know why he's changed but you have to accept that he has changed and don't demean yourself by trying to get back on the old footing with him when he so obviously is not interested any more. It's only speculation but it's possible that he thinks hanging out with you so much and people saying you're like a couple might hinder him from getting with some girl he likes, or girls in general.

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Well... it kind of sounds to me like you were treating him more like a boyfriend (without giving him the "benefits" of being a boyfriend) than a friend. All the crying, letters, "pay attention to me", talking to your parents on Skype, etc. Even your friends picked up on that. That kind of thing can only go on for so long before one of you snaps. It kind of takes you off the market for dating (dating good people, anyways, who wouldn't break up what they think is a relationship). And who wants to date the guy/girl who has this "best friend" like that...

 

I think he just grew tired of the dynamics. That - or he likes/liked you and was tired of being in the friend zone (I say this because of the way he reacted to you introducing that other guy).

 

Or - maybe it was just a natural phenomenon. Friendships ebb and flow. Sometimes you are close with someone, then it backs off for a while, then it comes back. Almost all of my friendships I've had for 20+ years have been that way. You have periods where you are close, then periods where you are less close, the periods where you are close again.

 

First - I think you need to decide what place you want this guy to be in your life. But then... yeah... I kind of think you need to let him go. He might be back. That is the way of friendship. But it shouldn't affect you THAT strongly emotionally if he's just a friend... Maybe you also need another group of friends and to concentrate on them for a while.

 

That's the thing about friendship... it isn't monogomous. It's ok to hang out with other friends and then hang out with your original friends as it happens organically.

 

All this jealousy over friends and thinking he has to invite you... see?... that's kind of more "girlfriend" behaviour. You'd probably be less put off by all this if he were a girl is what I am saying...

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Well I remember a couple of months ago that he started acting like my boyfriend. At my birthday party he took me by the arm in front of our friends and said "we should start acting more like a couple!". I replied "really? But we're just best friends!". A while later he asked if he could stay overnight at my place. I said he could, that I had a spare mattress he could borrow. Back then when he looked at me, his eyes used to sparkle. There was such tenderness in his eyes... I remember he even had plans to introduce me to his family. At my party a close friend of ours asked him if he loved me, and he shrugged and asked "what do you think??". I quickly replied "it's not like that, we're just best friends". Then, when the party was over, rather than stay at my place like he'd planned to, he said he had to go and stormed off. I remember seeing on his Facebook around that time that he'd updated his status saying he was in love with someone. I did confront him about it once, but he never admitted having feelings for me. I guess I was really stupid and ignorant.

 

I do remember talking to a teacher of mine around May who told me my friend had confided to her that he felt like I was treating him like my boyfriend, and he was tired of it. I think that's around the time he started to withdraw.

 

During that outing we had with our friends that week-end a couple of months ago, I made it clear to him that I wasn't interested in him, and that we needed to define some boundaries if we were to be friends. I told him physical contact other than poking was something lovers do. He agreed. But ten minutes later he began to caress my hair and grab me by the head (which let me tell you, was no innocent petting!). I took his hand away and told him "that's something lovers do, you can't do that!". An hour later, while I was dancing with a friend on the dance floor, he came up behind me and started caressing my hair the exact same way again (very sensually!). I brushed his hand away again, and kept dancing. That was the end of it.

 

A few days later, a friend of mine texted him to ask him if he'd ever consider dating me, and my friend replied I wasn't his type, that I was too selfish.

 

I guess I now understand what he meant. I treated him like my boyfriend without meaning to, and I probably hurt his feelings by rejecting him so many times (again without meaning to). He probably still feels hurt, and every time I try to talk to him like I do to my other close friends, he misinterprets it for a "girlfriend" behaviour.

 

I feel so foolish. I acted like a very bad friend. I should have apologized to him a long time ago. I really don't want to lose him as a friend though. Is it too late to apologize? This situation is so complicated that it makes my head spin! There's one thing I know: I care about him a lot, so much that I can't imagine my life without him. I just can't let go.

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Well... it kind of sounds to me like you were treating him more like a boyfriend (without giving him the "benefits" of being a boyfriend) than a friend. All the crying, letters, "pay attention to me", talking to your parents on Skype, etc. Even your friends picked up on that. That kind of thing can only go on for so long before one of you snaps. It kind of takes you off the market for dating (dating good people, anyways, who wouldn't break up what they think is a relationship). And who wants to date the guy/girl who has this "best friend" like that...

 

Good points!!

 

OP, you brought up that other people commented you two "seemed like a couple" as a badge of honor. Actually, it's NOT a good thing unless you're interested in dating him! It's not normal to want your friendship to be view as a relationship.

 

And yes, it's terrible for his dating life if all the girls at Uni think he's taken. They won't want to date him because they're not sure if he has feelings for you.

 

I think you need to decide what you want. Are you interested in him romantically? If so, communicate that to him. If you don't, then stop being selfish and wanting all of his attention. You're expecting too much from a platonic friendship. Back off and make other friends.

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Iggles: I guess at the time I didn't really know what I wanted out of our relationship. I was really scared of getting into a relationship, especially because I wasn't sure if he had feelings for me. I remember that I really, really liked him, but I was scared of getting into a unrequited love-type of relationship. I guess I was just acting really insecure. I suffered abuse as a child, and I have a really hard time trusting that people won't hurt me if I let go of my feelings. That's also probably why I've never been in a relationship before. I've had crushes in the past, and fallen in love with guys, but I have never confessed my feelings to anyone. I feel that by confessing my feelings I'd have to allow someone to have power over me, power to hurt me, and I just don't know how to allow someone to do that. It's like there's a blockage in my head or something. The same thing happened 5 years ago with my previous best friend. One day he confessed he loved me (and I knew I loved him too, but I didn't tell him). He asked if I wanted to go out with him, and I got so scared I panicked and started shaking and sobbing for 15 minutes. I couldn't give him an answer, and I ended up losing him as a friend.

 

Anyway, to go back to our main topic, I do think I'm interested in my friend romantically. I guess that's also why I can't let go of him, why I get so upset, so jealous and why I throw so many tantrums. However, judging by his behaviour, I wonder if it's not too late. I must appear completely crazy to him, don't I? Now that our exams are over, he's going to start to look actively for a girlfriend. Do I still have a shot? I do think we need to work on healing our friendship though... It's just so complicated!

 

You know what? Maybe the next time he asks his friends out for lunch in front of me, I should ask him if I can go with them. It would allow me to spend some time with him so we can get to talk a little outside of uni. Also we have an outing planned with uni in three weeks. I'll probably have plenty of time to talk to him that day. How should I go about doing this?

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He isn't "technically" still your best friend.

In fact, he isn't even your friend anymore. It doesn't matter that you have decided you are interested in him romantically --- he isn't interested in any

kind of relationship with you --- romantic or platonic.

 

You need to leave him alone. You cannot force someone to be your friend.

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With the added info you've given I think he must have had romantic feelings for you and the whole thing got very confusing and uncomfortable leading him to wipe his hands of the whole thing. I don't know if it's too late or not to let him know you're interested romantically, it might backfire on you if it's too late and he's moved on from that feeling. If so that would be devastating for you having revealed your feelings. I would definitely not invite yourself out with him and his friends or in any way try to manipulate situations to be with him, he would see through it and it would annoy him I think. Maybe you could be upfront to the extent of (without putting your heart on the line too much) mention the fact that you regret not having gone to the next level with him. I don't know if this is a good idea or not. Only do it if you can handle the possible rejection. I think the friendship is too far gone now to retrieve and it wasn't really just friendship was it? At least you can take comfort in the fact that he probably did have strong feelings for you so it wasn't like a reflection on you personally that he's distanced himself.

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offplanet: Thanks for your reply. I don't know... It's been getting better lately. Like, when we're not in class, and he's just having a smoke outside between classes, we can actually have a proper conversation. Since our exams ended, he's been a lot more relaxed. Today for example I'd brought some chocolates to school and when I offered him some he refused, and explained to me he had a stomach ache. We talked a little about it until he had to leave. It may seem like nothing, but until a couple of weeks ago, he couldn't even talk to me without sounding rude. Also, I don't think his rude behaviour towards me lately had so much to do with me as the state of mind he was in. He was really stressed because of our exams, and I like to think that he didn't let this show to anyone but to his very close friends. I know he underwent military training for two years, and that's the kind of stuff you learn in the army, right?

 

I do believe there is hope for our friendship. I may sound stubborn, and optimistic, but unless he tells me "I hate you, get out of my sight" I am not going to give up. Plus, around a month and a half ago, he told me straight to my face that he cares about me, and even invited me to go to an event together. I do think it's waaay too soon to tell him how I feel. I've got to be patient and wait for our friendship to heal properly and go back to the way we were before. The problem is that he's really, really busy at the moment, and we never get to meet outside of class anymore. He's so busy he doesn't even have time to check Facebook or reply to his messages anymore. I'm putting a lot of hope on that outing we've got planned with uni in three weeks. I just want an opportunity to show him how much I've changed, and that I'm still that cool funny girl he used to like. Until I manage to accomplish that, I don't think he'll change his mind about me.

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If I were you, I would ignore him just as he does you.

 

I think that this is his way of getting over you in the manner that he feels for you in his heart.

 

I've found myself in this situation before and I started to distance myself to simmer the feelings of lust, like, love, etc...Just leave him alone and try him how he treats you!

 

You're making yourself look clingy and childish so it's best to leave him alone...Especially after finding out from an Educator at your University that he's sharing things about you with them!!!

 

There's no telling what he's saying about you, however; you'll only hurt yourself if you continue to kiss his BUTT!!!

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KarenC: Thanks for your reply! Talking to our teachers about our personal problems is normal at my uni. Our teachers are like our counsellors, and they give us advice whenever we have a personal problem. That's why it's no big deal for me that he talked to our teacher. I did the same thing, actually!

 

A lot of my friends are telling me to give up. One of my close friends (who's also close to him) told me today that I should give up on the idea of him as a potential romantic partner because I deserve better than him. I agreed with her. I deserve better than someone who's hot and cold towards me; someone who hasn't achieved anything in life yet, yet who can't stop criticizing me. However, I'm not willing to give up on him as a friend yet. I'm still waiting for him to go back to the way he used to be. One thing life has taught me is that good things come to those who wait, and I will wait for him however long it takes. If he failed that exam we passed on Sunday he said he'll go back to his country next year, and there's a good chance I will never see him again. That's also why I am not willing to give up yet.

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I marked some points today!

 

I felt bad today because my friend ignored me again, and I really missed him, so I decided it was time to take action. Now I'm not proud of what I did, but it worked and that's all that counts!

 

After school I was headed back home when I decided it was time to confront him about his behaviour. So I went back to school and decided to look for him. I found him smoking with a friend, just the two of them alone. I was sniffling a little bit, on the verge of tears, and the two of them noticed it and asked me what was wrong. I decided it was better not to talk about stuff concerning me and my friend in front of that other guy, so I thought of some other kind of story that had been bothering me lately. My friend told me to tell him everything, and for ten minutes he listened patiently and gave me advice. He told me stuff like "human relationships are hard you know" and "you shouldn't let people hurt your feelings that way". He also said I should talk to him if I ever have problems again. He was really nice and warm towards me, and it really surprised me!

 

I know that manipulating someone this way is a terrible thing to do, but it worked! To be honest, at the point where we are in our friendship, I don't have many other options. At least I got him talking to me!

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Things have been going really well this week between the two of us. We laughed, we talked about stuff, and things are generally a lot better than before. He's still distant and cold sometimes, but I blame that on stress. He acts this way towards pretty much everyone these days.

 

The thing is... I heard something yesterday from a close friend and I'm not sure what to think. Let's call my best friend Y. and my other friend A. Basically, A. has been romantically interested in me for over a year. The thing is that I'm really not interested in him. He's much younger than I am, and I see him as my little brother. Yesterday we were talking, and I could see he was going to make an other attempt to ask me to go out with him. I pointed out that some of our close friends (including Y.) consider him a playboy, and A. got really offended. He then told me that all those months ago, when I went on that week-end with Y., A. and our other friend, that Y. had planned to do something to me A. had never dared to tell me about. We drank a lot of alcohol that day and I was a little drunk. According to A., upon seeing this Y. asked if he should take me home. According to A., Y. intended to sleep with me (knowing I couldn't say no since I was drunk) and throw me away in the morning like an old towel because he had no intention of dating me. A., upon hearing this, told Y. to leave me alone and that's why nothing happened to me. A. seemed proud of this and said "who's the playboy now??".

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Y. always respects me and protects me from harm. It just really didn't sound like him to want to take advantage of me this way, and in a sense want to rape me. I decided to confront him directly, and I sent him a text telling him everything I'd just heard. He got really, really furious, and told me I'd hurt him by telling him that. He also said that if he wanted to rape me, he wouldn't be so focused on his studies. He asked me to tell him who had said that so he could have a talk with them. I apologized, told him how much I cared about him, and not to mind this too much. He told me never to contact him again about such matters. Today I tried talking to him about it, but he seemed closed off. I'm supposed to meet A. today so I asked Y. what I should say, and he said "nothing. I'm just going to ignore this".

Now I'm not sure what to believe. I know deep in my heart that Y. is not the type of guy who is capable of committing something this awful. On the other hand, I've known A. for a long time, he's like my little brother, and it's not like him to lie about things this way. Who should I believe?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well he told me on Friday that he doesn't need me anymore and that he considers me a close friend, but not someone important to him. Also he told me last week that he had got used to what he calls "my personality": getting angry at him, then running back towards him. In other words, he not only takes me for granted, but for a fool. It hurt to hear, especially the way he said it (so coldly). I decided that it was time to end it. After everything I did for him, loving him with all of my heart, trusting him, and supporting him throughout all of these months, I decided that it was not ok for him to tell me something so cruel and act the way he did towards me. He may think that I'll come back towards him like I usually do, but this time I won't. He hurt me too deeply and I have more pride than to go back to someone who has so little respect for me as a person. I've been acting cold towards him since yesterday, and I think he noticed. If I truly matter to him and if he really wants me back in his life, he will have to change. He will have to work hard to win me back. I think this is the healthy thing to do for my own sanity. I got sick of working so hard to repair a friendship, only to end up getting resented in return.

 

Thank you for all of your comments! They really helped!

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  • 1 month later...

Things had been going really well between me and Y. until yesterday... We were back to being friends, we laughed together, and we went to the restaurant once together as well as several times with some of our other friends. Yesterday, he hadn't come to uni in almost a week so I was worried about him. I sent him a text asking him to call me. He never did, so I ended up sending him another text, to which he replied "just tell me what you want to say". I asked him "why aren't you coming to uni? Did you go back home?". I just wanted to know if he was okay, that's all.

 

For some reason, that simple question made him go completely bonkers. He started accusing me of invading his privacy, that he felt like I was "interviewing" him, and that it was bad of me to be so nosy. He said "it's none of your business if I go back to my country or not!!". I told him he'd misunderstood my intent, and that I just missed my best friend. He replied saying "I don't think of you as my best friend!". I asked him since when he'd been feeling this way, and he said "aren't you the one who wanted to 'break up' in the first place?" (that was back in June!). He then said that he didn't like my personality and that he'd grown tired of me. I sent him a number of texts to apologize again for what I did in June, telling him I'd been acting selfish, that back then I had a hard time controlling my own feelings, and that although I didn't love him that way anymore, he still mattered to me like family. I also said that if he hated me that much, there was nothing I could do. He never replied.

 

He didn't come to uni again today. Things were going so well, and then out of the blue this happens! Believe me, I really wasn't trying to invade his privacy! I just wanted to be a good friend and make small-talk to make sure he was okay. He really seems to hate me now. I've never been hated before by someone I care so deeply about. The worst part is that I think he misunderstood my intent! I feel really awful now! I act like I don't care around the people close to me, but the truth is that I do, I really do! Why is he rushing to conclusions judging me this way? Why can't we simply be good friends like we used to?

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because one of you has romantic feelings, that's why this so called friendship can't be like it used to. Happened to me recently, had feelings for a friend of mine but she didn't reciprocate and i decided the best thing to do was to just basically move on from it. Its hard because we were such good friends but it wasn't healthy for either of us so keep going the way we did.

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stuke80: I don't know. He says he doesn't like my personality. You can't have romantic feelings for someone you dislike.

 

He never had a problem with your personality before right? It's just an excuse he made up to distance himself from you OR he never had a problem with your flirty personality with him until he started developing feelings for you, then it became an issue because now he wanted you but you didn't want him back and yet you still acted like he was your boyfriend.

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stuka80: He only started having a problem with my personality after I "broke up" with him (ended our ambiguous friendship) in June. After that, he started to look out for every single possible thing that could be wrong about my personality. He started saying stuff like I was over-protecting of my friends and that I was over-doing it with him too, that I was selfish (which surprised all of our mutual friends... my closest friends often tell me I'm the most unselfish person they know), nosy, and that I was totally incapable of respecting Japanese manners (he'd say that if I extended my feet in the train, or if I stood in the way of some people without noticing it). It's like he was trying to find every possible thing that was wrong about me, refusing to see the positive stuff. He stopped giving me compliments, and instead he started to complain about everything he perceived I should improve myself in.

 

The thing is that he doesn't do this with anyone else. Why does he care so much about what I do? What does it do to him if I extend my feet in the train or not when I'm tired?

 

Btw recently I was involved in a bad situation at a part-time job. I mentioned it to him a couple of times, and every time I talked to him about my work he got angrier and angrier at me, saying I should quit. One time he even lectured me about the world, saying I was foolish for believing that there are only good people on this world. He said his words were cruel, but he only wanted to protect me. I told him last week that I was going to quit this job, and he got angry at me again because he didn't know that I was still working there. I told him I hadn't gone in over a month, not since he'd last given me a lecture about this job, and it instantly calmed him down. He just relaxed and said "I'm glad! That's a relief!". The thing is that none of my friends reacted the way he did to me doing that job. Most of my friends just shrugged their shoulders and said "maybe you should quit". They didn't make it their personal crusade to persuade me to quit! Y. acted like he cared very deeply about me, being as protective of me as a boyfriend would be, then on Monday he told me he didn't like my personality and that he was tired of me. None of this makes any sense.

 

In all honesty, I just don't really get him anymore. If, like you say, he does have romantic feelings for me than he's either in denial about it or very confused about his own feelings. In any case, I'm not waiting around to find out. I'm really tired of his attitude.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Things are really good again, better than they have been in months. It's a long story, but basically on Friday although he was really sick and not feeling well, and there was a snowstorm outside, he braved everything to come have a talk with me over dinner after I told him I was disappointed in him (for which I feel guilty about now). He told me they were doing works at his place and asked me if he could spend the night at my home. I said yes, and we ended up going back to my place. Nothing happened. We just talked, laughed together, and we connected again just the way we used to before. In the morning, I made him breakfast while he slept. I tried to wake him up, but he was too tired. He said he wanted to sleep more and apologized for being unable to eat breakfast together. I left him a note, and went to work. He met me later to give me back my keys, and thanked me for everything saying he wanted to have dinner together sometime. When I came back home, I noticed he'd done my dishes and cleaned my entire apartment. He'd even left me a note thanking me, telling me breakfast was delicious and that it was the first time someone had cooked breakfast for him.

 

All of our petty fights seem so stupid right now, and I deeply regret the way I acted towards him for the past few months. I really, really like him, and I have a hunch telling me he likes me too. We've got plans to meet up next week. How do I take this to the next level? Can I get him to trust me again after everything that happened?

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I don't know if that roller coaster will end and things will be like before, but I know first hand that friendship and love/lust/etc don't usually get a happy ending. But maybe it's not one sided and maybe you can work it out together.

There's also another reason for him distancing that much besides the feelings he has for you... maybe he knows that he'll return to his country and prefers to forget you now than go to through the pain of saying goodbye. But yes, if you don't want a romantic relationship with him don't act as if he's your boyfriend. Let things be... we can't force this things.

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I get what you're both trying to say. I think me and Y. have fallen into very bad habits that are very difficult to break. I try as hard as I can not to treat him like my boyfriend, but he is the closest person I have in this country. He knows everything about me, he knows my family and talks to them on Skype whenever I'm on the phone with them and he's there. He knows about my problems, and gives me advice about stuff. Whenever he's not around, I miss that closeness, that feeling of "intimacy". When I see him being "friendly" with other girls, I try to act like I don't care, but deep down I really do. We often meet up to have long talks about our "friendship", and what we think of each other. When there's something one of us has done that the other doesn't like, we tell it to the other, we talk about it, and each of us decides what to do about it. We're like an old couple, except we've never dated.

 

For the past two weeks, our relationship has warmed up a lot. It's had a few ups and downs, but we've been getting a lot friendlier every day. We go have lunch with some of our friends once in a while after school, and that helps. Last week he told me clearly that he wanted us to be friends. I'm okay with that, except that now he shuts me off almost completely about the most mundane of things. Like yesterday, we were talking about having lunch when he said that he had something "expansive planned" for the next day. I asked him what that was (I wasn't trying to nag or anything, just making normal conversation) and he only replied "something". I assumed it was a date, so I left it at that. A few hours later, we were texting, and just before saying goodbye I said "have a nice date tomorrow!". Granted, that probably wasn't a very smart thing for me to say, but he really took it out of proportions. He replied: "you, you're just unbelievable, really!". I replied: "What? I really mean it! You said you had something expansive planned tomorrow, I just assumed it was a date" (again a very foolish thing to say). That's when he wrote: "You're making me feel tired of you. You're thinking about things you don't need to be thinking about. You always think whatever you want to think." I replied with a funny comment saying I was as annoying as a big sister, and he was a very complicated person, thus making the both of us human. He never replied.

 

In the end, I know that our current relationship is not healthy. I actually consider it toxic. The more I try to fix it, and the more I get depressed. There's only two weeks left before our graduation ceremony. In two weeks, I will never have to see him again unless I want to. I'm planning to try to go no-contact for a while after that and reply to the phone only if he contacts me first about something important (which is very rare anyway). I need time away from him in order to heal, and I intend to seize this opportunity to do just that.

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