Conceive, Believe, Achieve- My Journal to a Healthy Relationship

Today is October 30 2013. What a ride the last several years have been, and I have been plunging forward, sometimes in utter disbelief at my own continuation of my path. My marriage was over when it began, but the divorce decree was Feb 24 2010 - our 15th anniversary. My protector in all things except physical (and I do not live in a jungle) died October 2011. My 5 year old self had been protected, nurtured. Then, I had been abandoned, as I was always sure I would be but didn't know this about myself, by everyone I thought would protect me. My family, my spouse, my mentor/best friend/boyfriend/safety net. My father - the original source of my emotional abandonment - somehow became my only man, my children clung to me even as I wavered and wandered. I ate their strength, poor things.

The sex. My! How I went into the jungle naked, naïve to the extraordinary lack of integrity in the ways of heterosexual politics. Yes, I had the most amazing sex ever, better than I thought possible. With one man in particular, yes, but really fantastic with more than one man, which was important: I discovered that the experience was within me, and not housed in someone else. After my marriage, during which 15 year period I used to be able to map on a calendar the incidents of sex, because there were fewer than 20, and maybe fewer than 10 over that time -- thank goodness I no longer remember the details - after that desert, this validation was essential.

I fell in love, or in addiction, or both if that's possible. I chose ill, which is no surprise because I was so incredibly needy, so insecure about my ability to make my way. And he was very very good. And very very bad. And I surprised him, and he hurt at the way he was using me, and yet he was able to use me, and somehow became attached to me, at the same time. He is now called the sociopath, for good reason.

Through this period, I was doing other things too, promoting my growth and my healing and my strength and my sense of self. It was hard. Like I was pushing myself, and all of my push was my own energy, and there was no other energy to help me. I exhausted myself trying to push myself and had little left over for the fight.

Then, I found Orlando. God's gift to me at this moment. And inspired by the acquaintance of M. I knew when I met M that I was not his ideal, and I knew that I had his ideal within me. I had been struggling but failing at finding a fitness solution. If I was going to meet the man I was intended to have, then I had better be prepared to deliver what that man requires. I would want to deliver to him nothing less than my best. Time to solve my fitness problem... with googling. Googling that somehow brought me to the solution.

Now, I am write this journal. Why? Because my mind has flipped around. Its the same world, and the same me, and the same challenges to hurdle, and the same overwhelming amount of responsibility. EXCEPT, now my vision pulls me. I write

CONCEIVE BELIEVE ACHIEVE because I believe it. If I see it, it will happen. So, how does this apply to relationships?

I see me, in a safe home, with a man who keeps my heart safe. A man who brings his own light to shine in our living room, in our kitchen. A man who inspires others, as I do. A man who sees my light as my gift, as God's gift perhaps, and so rather than dim it so as to reduce the threat to himself, he blossoms in it. He shines, I shine, we light up the room together. This is my man. I felt this the other day, a vision of me in the kitchen while he is in the LR watching football. I came out every now and again to share the time together, and then went back to the kitchen to tend to the meat or the crock pot or whatever it was I had going in there. Yes, I had this vision. Is that a hoot or what? But it was so very real, and I want it. We will hike in Hawaii, canoe in the Caribbean, sail in Greece. We will run the kids' college campuses on parents' weekend, then we will bring them out for dinner and wine. We will meet their men respectfully. We will go to bed early, because it is worth it.

I see you, I want you, it will be. And oh the passion I have in store for you, and you for me. For this I glow. I already have this within me, and it will be.

Oh yes, it will be.

I am here. I am bold. I am courageous in my belief. Fingers crossed, vision clear. I am going forward.

Halloween

Yesterday, my Anna and I had a wonderful two hours of therapy and growth, where I turned my anger into coaching and she turned her defensiveness into trust. And she envisioned herself a winner, and it changed everything, everything. I shared this with O.

Workout ended, and as I left the park I realized O had my keys. I turned around, and there was O, walking into the park. He said an inner voice told him "watch her leave the park". He was protecting me from B. Amazing. And maybe he did protect me, we will never know, but at the very least, he returned under his own voice and I claimed my keys.

Then we talked for 30 minutes about letting one's light shine, and the challenge of being in relationship with others, who find that light threatening. We talked about our fathers. We talked always about retraining the neural pathways to believe believe believe.

We went to church, up in that park. And I left the park again renewed inside.

What a gift O is.

And when he asked about M, I was able to answer, and I think I answered gracefully. I have faith in you M, I do. I do not profess to know your outcome. Only that when you know it, you will be respectful to me in communicating it.

I miss you. I prayed in the shower for God to protect me. I am not contacting you, and I am trusting completely in the process. It is scary, scarier than anything I remember. I am trusting this process to make me better, and I can see that it is. I am wholly, entirely without my regular crutches. I have nothing but faith and vision, nothing concrete, no assurances, nothing.

And maybe that is as it should be.

A quick one for you this morning, November 1

As I waver, and I place my energies on one man, a man whom maybe I don't want, I make a special effort to affirm my faith in having a vision, living a vision.

and this morning I add to my vision success in my work life. lately, I have been excelling at work despite my best efforts to fail.

with this writing, I pledge to practice enjoying success in my work life.

be all of my light.

so, there's a couple of ways to look at this: The punishing way, and the gift way.

I choose the gift way.

Didn't sleep at all last night.

This is alot to process.

Cling today to my vision. Work urgency, personal life fitness. I am, happily, better all the time. Sustained path will result in still more opportunities, gifts I can't yet see.

If M is one of those, then that is when he will return.

OH THANK YOU VISION, you have kept me on path so far this morning, in many ways.

With respect to relationship, you have kept me from reaching out to anyone. No quick call to M "Just to see how you are doing?" although I would like to say hello.

With respect to self-management, am cranking through credit card, mortgage, doctor and calendar items.

With respect to work, pieces and parts. The foregoing helps with the foundation.

VISION you are everything today. Thank you. I know in my heart of hearts to get the results I want, I need to be fierce in wanting you. Fierce about my vision. Me and my vision are one. My ferocity is keeping me on path, when my old habits would steer me astray.

Inputs = results. I am thankful for my inputs to date.

Keep going sweet one. You have, you are the power.

I didn't journalmal yesterday, and I didn't see Orlando for my workout,I didn't run at all. And I went completely off the rails.

So today, this morning, I affirm that m's judgment of me is not my business and not my vision, my voice, or my truth.

B's attempts to intimidate others and me, to control my environment, reflect his own pain and not mine.

My horror that I was involved in the dynamics of a man who is so sick is not helpful. let the emotion go. let the judgment go. you knew he was bad, you thought he was a compelling trifle, you were wrong, he is in fact ill-willed and selfish and criminal. you didn't know that, you have learned and grown and changed.

wow, this judgment exercise is difficult. I just tried to see myself without this noose around my neck and I couldn't. it is as if I would cry, if I could. I see M and I see his judgment of me mirrored back in his face.

Pausing this thread to focus on forgiveness, so that then I will have permission for my vision.

OK

I am beginning to feel again my efficacy.

I am not a victim, and I refuse to be judged by the acts of a predator.

I am beautiful, strong, smart, resilient, determined, capable and powerful.

I have the world on my shoulders, because my shoulders are that broad. I can carry what I have packed, and indeed, I have room for more.

Yes, world, yes self, yes I can. I can, I am destined to shine, yes I can, and I will.

I am, I will, I do

These last couple of days have been such an effort. Some gifts:

(1) It is difficult to resist the negative pull, as I wrote to my friend yesterday. Of course it is! Resistance is by definition, difficult! But it is easy to embrace. So: change my thinking: embrace my path, my beauty, my strength, my faith that I will be alright. Embrace it! Embrace it NOW! And NOW AGAIN! Embrace it. Fill my embrace with so much light there is no room for darkness.

(2) I judged myself again, and what can possibly be useful with that? To quote Popeye, I yam what I yam, and that is a generous heart, a self-made character, a fearless traveler. Yes!

Some days, I will have vision and nothing but vision. Use it like a tow rope. Other days, I will be so clear in my vision that I will feel the flow.

My work vision is becoming more clear, every day. Thank goodness for that.

reinforcing several lessons:

believe in the value of my voice

believe in the competency and reliability of others

believe right is might

faith that as I follow my path, it will lead me to where i am going.

I am beginning to see my future

I am beginning to accept M's space

I am beginning to want, to WANT my success. I am beginning to expect it.

I am BEGINNING to change.

Change from the inside out.

Eyes on the goal. The relationship will follow in due course. Inside out.

"How you gonna win when you aint right within"

I ran a 5k before my regular workout, then went to my workout. I loved the combination. I am feeling... good.

Making room for my success at work.

Do I like my guy? Yup, still do. That didn't fade. But my need for him is fading. Becoming want, which is as it should be. Starting to really appreciate my power. To love me.

I want him, I can be so much softer and nicer to him now. I don't know that I will have the opportunity. But I do have the opportunity to invest in myself, learn, and thereby take from our acquaintance and current distance every lesson I can. Nothing is wasted, and everything is a gift.

Its Monday 11-11-2013 and I skipped yesterday's entry in this journal.

First, let me acknowledge that there is a power larger than I am, and once I get in the flow with this power, then it will feel, it feels, like being in the current of a stream. I have the power to put myself in the way of this stream. I choose the flow.

Second, today, a healthy day. I am ready, I am beginning to feel like I am responsible for my career, I am beginning to come into myself.

Third, the craziness being perpetuated by others is not mine. I do not own it, I do not touch it, it has nothing to do with me.

Fourth, I will be who I am. Others will take note. I may need to last through the holidays this way. If so, I will find the strength in my person, in my skin, to see ME and go towards the ME I see.

I am me.

Life is beautiful.

My job is to be here, in full voice.

Show up! Live it! Love it!

Today, I am remembering: Yes I can.

On to a better relationship? Yes, that is what got me to start this journal. Notice how my thoughts have shifted. The way to a better relationship is through making me a better self.

So, affirmations fly, I encourage myself to take ownership over all that I touch and improve upon it.

Get to work.

Growth comes in steps waves and increments-- still, this one fellow stays in my mind. Maybe I want him there as a reminder of who/what I want.

Meanwhile, my turtle has been so terribly good about asking me out. For a year! I think I have asked him out only a handful of times if that many. I can think of... two? Last night, even as I was falling asleep, I looked up something to do and asked him out for my next available Saturday night. Yay me! Just learning how to be an adult, how to think ahead and offer to others the same grace I desire for myself.

Learning learning learning.

Yes I can!!

Now that I have to tell two men of the bully in my life, I am realizing something new. (1) I have to take care of my business. So, I did that yesterday. (2) Each time, I get asked similar stuff: When did I get divorced? When did I last date this man? What was the nature of your relationship? UGH~!!!!!!! These are questions that are intended to evaluate me, not the risk he poses to them.

I am sick and fng tired of being judged for having dated a psychopath. Yeah, I get it, I knew I was dating an ahl. But I didn't know he was a psychopath and there is a huge difference. And you know what? I am judging myself. I haven't been sexually active since that dalliance with a man I think might have been a powerful partner, if other things had been in place--- since last April was it? First weekend in May maybe? That makes 6 months. This may be a lifetime record. And I am slowly warming to J, but J may now be gone. J did the math "and our first date was Dec 22" -- he knew that!-- and was figuring out whether there was any overlap. Which thank goodness there wasn't. And I haven's so much as made out with J, but even still, he was warming to the idea of having me around. And I was warming to him.

So this morning, I realized -- while in the shower because all good thoughts happen then -- that I feel so completely violated by this man that I don't want anyone else near me. This is why J has been such a blessing. I am done with that. I am ready to get ready.

Other voices: you shouldn't have to alter your life, you shouldn't have to change anything. Yeah, I get it. But guess what guys. Life isn't fair. I have to handle my business, so that I can invite other people into my life safely. J does not deserve to have been exposed.

Like when N wouldnt keep a schedule for the kids. Well, should I have to deal with that? No. Am I a victim? No. I just need to work around it. So now, am I a victim? No. I just need to work around it.

What a dbag this man is. Incredible.

The other thing I decided to do this morning is pray. Pray to cleanse myself, pray that he find forgiveness, pray that he lets me go. Pray for the safety of J, yes. Bigger than that -- the cops won't stop anything, he won't stop himself. He is too smart to let Ann see the whole truth, so Ann won't stop him either. Only God can-- a God he doesn't believe in, or more properly, at whom he is very deeply angry. Of all the people I need to pray for, first its myself, and second, its B. If God will intervene in some way so that B can find a way to rationalize that he has won and can let this go, or that it is time to let me be happy, then it will stop. So, my next essay or two may be devoted to finding the proper mantra to pray, daily. Breath it into reality.

In the meantime, I am changing my personal policy about my public persona. I had been embracing being in the public eye, but now, I am changing my policy completely. I am a single woman. This is not an unreasonable shift.

And yes, this is on my path: first, I made myself vulnerable to deep trespass, and that pain was enough to force me to find my value. Funny that. Now, now that I see how much I value me, how much I feel, how much I love, how little I want to be hard, how much I enjoy being soft: I have undergone a seachange. My journey now is to seek out a safe harbor for my soft heart and my endless brain.

OK Yay, lost only one to the bully, the other one stuck around

Spent TDay listening to my dad. After almost 50 years, I am learning how to listen to him.

Reminded me of the importance of habits.

On my way to my vision, I will need to tighten up my work habits. Get in to the office, hit the laptop running. No stop at fb, no stop at ENA.

Maybe it should be First to the Work Plan, then to the highest payoff item on workplan?

link removed

I need to study this!!!!!

It's been difficult to stay on course. Being stalked is exhausting! Glad it's over. I hadn't realized how deep the impact was.

Am now several days off my running routine, short tempered with the girls, and was looking forward to a whole fabulous day with them but it's half gone. Forcing myself to the treadmill. I so miss the park, where I found so much joy. Why would anyone, anyone, want to take that away from me? It hurts that he did. I just have to keep my eye on the prize: living my routine, knowing I made a routine that will yield results.

Let myself be happy. Let myself see what is important. Let my children thrive, giggle, hang out.

Mediate on the treadmill.

Okay, I am off to heal myself.

It really does hurt that a person whom I had tried to be friends with would stalk me in this way.

We can say mental illness. But it has gone on some September. Three months. It's not just a moment in time. And the second time. In the time that we have known each other, at least 25 percent of that time has involved serious deception. As an expression of "love". At great expense to me my kids and people I care about.

Now, I don't know if he is getting medical care or what.

It's awful. I care, but I can't create any kind of connection. I was one of the people he had, and now I'm gone.

I need to let it go.

... And what else that I don't know about? For example, was it you who feigned the identity of someone in my high school class last fall? It was, wasn't it. And what about other identities on ENA? That person who was a big fan? Was that you? I mean really how can I be friends? And out was Nice to be friends, you are so beautiful. Can't. Can't be Subject to this kind of deceit. So incredibly disrespectful to try to manipulate me by me mistruths. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to support you without causing harm to myself.

At work, wow, I need to focus more and more. Its coming. The time is now. Firehose.

And meanwhile, I think the relationship piece is coming together. Slowly slowly but maybe...

Yes I can

Yes I will

I am smart

I am responsible

I respect my achievements

I respect my path

Yes I am yes I will be

Oh dear. I think I need to release the new one. Anyway, points to remember about today:

I was told I would get a call, and I did. and it was intended to connect: I missed it. Then mine was missed and immediately returned. Said "I took myself on vacation" re houses, "i am going to sell BOTH", re k, "including in [city]" re her health: tremor on right side and still no balance. Re that house, "there's good karma, I've moved on." At end I said "it was good to catch up", "yes, very good." Afterwards there was a mistext, a call after to explain, which was unnecessary but indicates the importance of my interpretation.

And now I've noted it should it become polite to remember.

And now I've several more people to call. The integrity of paying proper attention is part of this journey.