Journaling my "personal growth"

I've just returned home from my first meeting with a therapist. As many of you know, I struggle with a myriad of problems, and I'm finally sort of "caving" into the idea of therapy, because I feel like it's my last resort, at this point.

I have... mixed feelings about this first session. I wasn't really "feeling it" with this woman (not to mention, her accent made it somewhat difficulty to understand everything she was saying), but I guess I'll try to not be so quick to write her off. At the end of the session, she gave me some little recommendations to try between now and whenever my next session is, but they're just the same kind of little things people here would often suggest to me, things I know I either won't do it at all, or will only do a few times but not be able to stick with them. So, I'm not really sure how much value that has to me.

Thus far, I'm left feeling very "That's it...?". And while I'm iffy on this particular therapist, the place already now has all my insurance information and personal information (including social security number), and being as much of a creature of habit I am, I'll try to stick it out for at least another few sessions and take things from there.

Don't know when I'll be going back, as I don't know what my work schedule for next week is, so it's hard to say when I'll have a chance to head over there again.

I kinda wish I felt better and more optimistic about this, but... I dunno. I don't know what exactly I was expecting from this first session, but for whatever reason, it felt like a bit of a letdown to me. Like I said, I'll try to keep with it for at least a little while.

My aim is to sort of use this topic to "journal" my personal growth (well, hopefully, anyway; either that, or my self-destruction), and discuss it with anyone that wants to chime in.

I'm glad you went. Maybe you will be more motivated to do the things than if it was us who were telling you to, since the therapist is likely going to ask you if you've done them at the next session (and probably be kind of disappointed if you didn't). That being said, their word isn't God lol, and if you aren't satisfied with this one you should try another. I'd go back to this one a couple more times though. The first session isn't always the greatest.

Agree with what blueidealist wrote. I am also sure that continuity/consistency is important so I would think once a week is advisable. Make the time. Good for you for going!

I'm glad you went. Maybe you will be more motivated to do the things than if it was us who were telling you to, since the therapist is likely going to ask you if you've done them at the next session (and probably be kind of disappointed if you didn't). That being said, their word isn't God lol, and if you aren't satisfied with this one you should try another. I'd go back to this one a couple more times though. The first session isn't always the greatest.

OP I just read one of your posts that you think you arent attractive enough.

As a 29 year old, let me tell you women dont always go for attractiveness. When I was younger I used to care about it. Now I recently dated a guy who was way more unattractive but he was sweet. but STILL things didnt work out because we took things too fast. That taught me a huge lesson, attractiveness means nothing. An unattractive guy can play your heart equally or even worse. I thought hes unattractive so I dont have to follow the dating rules, and we had sex on the second date. Dont make the mistake I make, dont judge the book by its cover. Even goodlooking girls or guys can connect with your soul, you have to take it slow and communicate, but confidently. Once you make that connection, the heart looks past the superficial things. I fell so hard for this guy, and hes the most unattractive guy i ve dated. And still yet, no other breakup has caused me so much pain, ever before. I am surprised too, but this taught me a huge lesson. Do not judge the book by its cover. Maybe I deserve a more attaractive guy if I connect. Similarly, maybe you deserve the most beautiful girl if you connect and treat her well. Girls are very sensitive , they are emotional. And for us to find these qualities is hard. This is what we base our relationships on. Most of us, give back twice as much love. And fixate our hearts on to the guys, only to realize that they turn out ultimate s. Looks dont matter at that point.

Sorry for beating the same point, but its something I learnt so late in life because Im so inexperienced.

Hi Matt;

Any way since your info is already there, that you can at least try another therapist, not 'her'? There are more out there.

When younger, i went thru at least 5 until i found one to 'my' liking.

This time, i found the one I was assigned pretty good actually. I did the same, i went every week or 2 and have gotten comfortable with this one.

Self destruction? Easy now... give it a go, no matter what- if not the one you like... for sure try a different person. Dont give up on the counselling aspect, k.

tc

Hi Matt,

Let me tell you about my first therapist. I walked in, didn't know what the heck was going on and sat in eager silence for about three minutes. She glared at me and then said "I'm not sure what game you are playing by with-holding"

I just stared at her like a rabbit in the head-lights - then apologised. I was mortified.

I'd never been to therapy before so didn't know what to expect. I found her very chilly, and curt. As time went on she seemed some-what irritated by my failure to deal with my issues. And it didn't help that she looked exactly like Zelda from the TerraHawks. And her suggestions sounded like decrees. We just didn't click. (On reflection, perhaps she really was Zelda from the TerraHawks, alive and well and practicing Psychotherapy in Lewisham, London.)

Nevertheless, I continued for ten sessions, positive that this was my issue.

As it happened I had to leave her surgery after ten weeks, due to a change in circumstances.

I started with a new trainee pyschotherapist...and I warmed to her within fifteen minutes. It just felt right. I could be honest and I trusted her judgement ...And most importantly, I RESPECTED HER OPINION.

There can't be a successful therapeutic journey if you don't respect your therapist's opinion. If you ain't feeling it, Matt, then you ain't feeling it.

Sometimes you can have a a great therapist, but just the wrong chemistry. Go figure. Human beings and their dynamics are complicated.

But it doesn't matter. That is not your issue to deal with here. Therapy is too important, and too personal to feel ambivilent about your therapist. How can you build a trusting relationship when you have reservations?

Whilst I think it is reasonable to give your therapist another couple of trys.. DO NOT stick with it if your current feelings persist. Some-times people just don't hit if off. Different therapists bring out the best in different people. Give it four more trys -at the most - then move on.

Yes it is a hassle, but you are putting down cold hard bucks/time to deal with your issues. It has to be given it's best chance of succeeding.

Trust your gut and know that you deserve to get the very best out of your 50 minutes.

Deci

I'm glad you went. Maybe you will be more motivated to do the things than if it was us who were telling you to, since the therapist is likely going to ask you if you've done them at the next session (and probably be kind of disappointed if you didn't).

That's what I would've hoped, but I already have little to no interest in following through with the little things she suggested I try in between sessions.

Self destruction? Easy now...

Heh, well... I just meant that my issues will very much be the death of me if I can't work through them. If therapy doesn't work (even if I shop around for other therapists), I'm not really sure what I'll do with myself.

There can't be a successful therapeutic journey if you don't respect your therapist's opinion. If you ain't feeling it, Matt, then you ain't feeling it.

 

That is not your issue to deal with here. Therapy is too important, and too personal to feel ambivilent about your therapist. How can you build a trusting relationship when you have reservations?

Yeah, but to be fair, I'm "picky" and "resistant" in general. At this point, I can't even tell if I'm just looking for excuses to shop around for a therapist rather than just pick one, stick with it, and follow through on the therapy. If I let myself "shop around" too much instead of just sticking it out, I'm more inclined to come to the conclusion that it's not worth the hassle, and just give up on therapy completely, and I don't want to let myself do that.

Little interest is basically irrelevant - you have to find ways to motivate yourself or ask the therapist for motivational tools. As far as being picky and resistant if that's your M.O. then that's going to impede your progress- so remember that the next time you ask "why not me" as far as finding a healthy relationship - that is a major reason why and the great news is that it's within your control to change your mindset and behaviors.

Yeah, but to be fair, I'm "picky" and "resistant" in general. At this point, I can't even tell if I'm just looking for excuses to shop around for a therapist rather than just pick one, stick with it, and follow through on the therapy. If I let myself "shop around" too much instead of just sticking it out, I'm more inclined to come to the conclusion that it's not worth the hassle, and just give up on therapy completely, and I don't want to let myself do that.

Hi Matt,

I honestly hear what you are saying but...., "Her accent made it hard to make out everything she was saying." Isn't this gonna be a bit of an obstacle.

I'm not saying you should switch before setting up a new therapist, I'm saying that you should be prepared to switch, if it becomes necessary. I would hate for you to stop therapy cold on this one. Or continue for a long period without feeling particularly commited to this therapist.

I guess it might be an idea to roll with it for a couple of sessions, then make a real decision, rather than drifting. In other words, you commit wholeheartedly to this therapist - or move on.

What are thoughts on that?

Deci

but I already have little to no interest in following through with the little things she suggested I try in between sessions.

To be honest, I'm a little curious as to what these little suggestions are? If they seem nonsensical to you or irrelevant then that is a fair point, and you should feel comfortable discussing your reservations with the therapist.

Honey, you have to be honest. If there are obstacles (emotional or mental) - to doing these things - then these have to be explored. This is precisely what you are there. Your honest opinion. Please don't agree with her for the sake of being polite. If you have reservations then feel free to speak up. "I'm not sure it's going to work because of XXXYYYZZZ"

Keep it real. By doing this you start an honest conversation.

This is your time you are giving - and its your insurance.

Take care

Deci

Try another therapist. You have to make an effort to find one you click with, and that might take a few first sessions with different people. Don't make the excuse that it's a hassle to get set up with someone. Your own well-being should be worth that minimal effort.

As far as being picky and resistant if that's your M.O. then that's going to impede your progress- so remember that the next time you ask "why not me" as far as finding a healthy relationship - that is a major reason why and the great news is that it's within your control to change your mindset and behaviors.

Yeah, I mean, the thing is, I have a hard time seeing how things can benefit me, especially little things that are more about the long term than the short term.

So, her suggestions were basically to 1) start taking 20 minute walks every day or every other day, and 2) to think about three good things that happened during the day every night before I go to bed.

To me, I don't see how things like that benefit me. I'm not saying they can't in the long term, but I just don't see it, and when I can't see it, I just don't feel any motivation.

I've told this story before, but it's worth reiterating. I used to have a crippling fear of driving, and nothing could get me to work on that fear at all. I didn't drive at all until last year, then I met my dream girl, and I literally conquered my fear and learned to drive in the span of two weeks. Granted, that ended up being for nothing. But I never felt so motivated as I did then. I really wish I could figure out how to tap into that motivation. For those two weeks, I felt more good about myself, more confident, more motivated than I ever have in my life. I just wish I knew how to get that back, how to use it for other areas of my life.

To me, I don't see how things like that benefit me. I'm not saying they can't in the long term, but I just don't see it, and when I can't see it, I just don't feel any motivation.

Google "compound interest penny 30 days". Those two suggestions she made are similar to what happens with compound interest and will really help you feel better about yourself. It takes awhile to notice the difference, but if you keep at it, you'll start to see how it's affecting you.

I really wish I could figure out how to tap into that motivation. For those two weeks, I felt more good about myself, more confident, more motivated than I ever have in my life. I just wish I knew how to get that back, how to use it for other areas of my life.

I find that a lot of times, mastery leads to passion. So taking action will eventually lead to motivation. You just have to get through the uncomfortable/difficult/boring part in order to get to the point where whatever it is you want to accomplish becomes easier and more enjoyable.

If you're into reading, these two books are pretty good:

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In the second book, the best information comes before his personal case studies. The case studies are interesting, but some of them like the programming example are really boring.

Read this post to her at the next session. I agree with her suggestions (other than do 30 minutes-or try to work up to those 30 minutes) and what I'd also add is find a way to spend at least 1-2 hours a week (to be increased -but it's a good start) doing some type of volunteer work or a favor for someone else where you're as other-centered as possible - where it has nothing to do with being inside your head. I used to do one hour a week of volunteer work at a homeless shelter for about 7 years (stopped when I got pregnant, plan to resume regular volunteer work in the future - I have done some over the past few years, so yes I practice what I preach) and it did wonders for my perspective and mindset. Make the time.

And obliterate "but it's hard for me" from your posts if possible - I write that because you've written that at least a hundred times and every time you do the response is of course "yes none of this is easy, so what". I know it's hard - but every time you write that it's not only repetitive but an excuse to avoid doing whatever.

Yeah, I just don't really want to do volunteer work. I don't mean that to sound as bad as it does, I just don't like the idea of working with the sick, elderly, homeless, etc. I feel bad for saying that, and it's not an "I'm too good for that" kind of thing, I just feel like my heart wouldn't be in the right place with it.

Anyway, as for therapy, I wonder if they could help me learn to properly "give up" on the idea of finding love. I can't imagine myself not wanting that anymore, but I think I'd certainly be happier if I could make that desire go away completely. Hm.

Anyway, as for therapy, I wonder if they could help me learn to properly "give up" on the idea of finding love.

I think the only way that would be possible, is if you shut down all of your emotions. Become emotionless. In other words you give up on finding love, because you no longer require any love or any emotional input, for that matter.

Rather like a computer.

Because, of course, you couldn't pick and choose which emotions you no longer experienced. You couldn't say "I'd like to still feel happiness, but delete the love, part - Cheers"

All or nothing.

A core part of that would be to lose all empathy.

Matt, a) Is it, that you want to give up on finding love - or is it, that you don't want to be in pain any-more???

Deci

Yeah, I just don't really want to do volunteer work. I don't mean that to sound as bad as it does, I just don't like the idea of working with the sick, elderly, homeless, etc. I feel bad for saying that, and it's not an "I'm too good for that" kind of thing, I just feel like my heart wouldn't be in the right place with it.

 

Anyway, as for therapy, I wonder if they could help me learn to properly "give up" on the idea of finding love. I can't imagine myself not wanting that anymore, but I think I'd certainly be happier if I could make that desire go away completely. Hm.

You don't have to do volunteer work with the sick, elderly, or homeless. You could do something like volunteer to manage someone's webpage. Sure, it might be connected with the sick, elderly or homeless (or maybe not, it could be connected with something like animals or the environment), but you wouldn't have to have direct contact with them. I see quite a few volunteer ads online looking for volunteers to make videos too, and you're into that.. I've volunteered to write articles for non-profit organizations in the past, since I'm a freelance writer/editor, and sometimes I've done that without coming in contact with ANY people, besides over e-mail. Although it could be useful to at least meet other members of an organization since you're trying to expand your social circle.

I think the only way that would be possible, is if you shut down all of your emotions. Become emotionless. In other words you give up on finding love, because you no longer require any love or any emotional input, for that matter.

 

Rather like a computer.

Because, of course, you couldn't pick and choose which emotions you no longer experienced. You couldn't say "I'd like to still feel happiness, but delete the love, part - Cheers"

 

All or nothing.

 

A core part of that would be to lose all empathy.

 

Matt, a) Is it, that you want to give up on finding love - or is it, that you don't want to be in pain any-more???

I guess probably the latter. I want to find it so bad, but at the same time, I don't believe I ever can. That "disconnect" is what really upsets me and makes me feel bad a lot. I figure if I could somehow kill the desire for it completely, there would no longer be a disconnect; it wouldn't matter that I don't believe I can have it, because I wouldn't want it.

I suppose you're onto something about shutting down all emotions. I lived like that for a few years, and I was able to just live within my own little bubble without having emotional responses to the world around me. After I fell for the girl last year, though, I opened the floodgates, so to speak, and my emotions have been dominating me ever since. Earlier this year, I tried to force myself back into that "emotionless" state, and it worked for a little while, but it was only temporary.

You don't have to do volunteer work with the sick, elderly, or homeless. You could do something like volunteer to manage someone's webpage. Sure, it might be connected with the sick, elderly or homeless (or maybe not, it could be connected with something like animals or the environment), but you wouldn't have to have direct contact with them. I see quite a few volunteer ads online looking for volunteers to make videos too, and you're into that.. I've volunteered to write articles for non-profit organizations in the past, since I'm a freelance writer/editor, and sometimes I've done that without coming in contact with ANY people, besides over e-mail. Although it could be useful to at least meet other members of an organization since you're trying to expand your social circle.

Sure, but I'd imagine Batya is suggesting something more along the lines of what I wrote, working directly with those in need. If I just volunteer to write or create and edit digital media for someone, how is that much different than what I do at my internship, yanno?

Anyway, as for therapy, I wonder if they could help me learn to properly "give up" on the idea of finding love. I can't imagine myself not wanting that anymore, but I think I'd certainly be happier if I could make that desire go away completely. Hm.

As for her suggestion to go for walks, there are two reasons.A walk is a great time to think about things without the distractions of the internet or television, and exercise in general positively affects your brain chemistry. It is a natural, drug free anti-depressant.

Sure, but I'd imagine Batya is suggesting something more along the lines of what I wrote, working directly with those in need. If I just volunteer to write or create and edit digital media for someone, how is that much different than what I do at my internship, yanno?

Yes it would be best if the work involved personal interaction but even something that redirects your attention where the goal is to help someone else is a good start too.

I think it's a terrible idea to try to be emotionless. Life is about balance.

One of the signs/ effects of depression is a mental and physical inertia that feeds back onto itself, thus the suggestion to start a daily walk (that is outside your required movements to get through the day) is aimed to stop this cycle and to increase a whole set of hormones and other physiological agents that will naturally counteract depression.

The point of volunteering is not (not necessarily) to increase your skill set, but for you to interact (in the widest sense of the term) with other people and contribute to someone else's well-being and thus increase your self worth. Volunteering can be anything that you do for another person (or a group) that is not directly aimed at your own benefit. It is about contributing something positive to someone else and to make the world a better place in a small way. You don't have to limit volunteering to the sick or elderly, but there are literally a million possibilities how to help someone else out, just because.

As to 'wanting to shut off your emotions' - that's not what therapy is about or any therapist will support you in. The solution to a better life is not the absence of negative emotions, but learning how to deal with difficult emotions and situations.

However, no matter what the therapist (or people here) may suggest - YOU are going to be the one who has to decide to actually take that first step to making changes. You don't need to understand why the therapist will suggest something - after all he/she is the professional and has dedicated significant effort in getting into this profession, thus don't expect to have all the answers yourself -but just give it a try.

I'm kinda looking into maybe purchasing a small inexpensive treadmill. I don't feel safe going for walks anywhere alone, not to mention, the weather is about to get really terrible around here, so maybe it would do me good to have something I can use at home no matter what. Honestly, I've always felt like I get a decent amount of movement at work. Even when I'm stuck at the front end, I pace and walk around the front a lot, and on the occasion I'm working the floor, I'm usually moving heavy boxes around, sometimes even up and down a ladder. I only work 3-5 days a week, but still, that's about 5ish hours of movement.

As far as emotionally castrating myself, I just wonder whether that would be the best option for myself, is all. Some people are just going to be completely alone their entire lives no matter what. Unfortunately, I think I'm one of those people. Maybe others like me are able to be okay with that and make peace with it, heck, maybe that's how they WANT their lives to be. But I don't, and I can't see myself learning to live with it, and still managing to be "emotional" in other ways.

You just don't want to put in any work for making changes, so you come up with every imaginable excuse under the sky

As far as emotionally castrating myself, I just wonder whether that would be the best option for myself, is all. , the Some people are just going to be completely alone their entire lives no matter what. Unfortunately, I think I'm one of those people. Maybe others like me are able to be okay with that and make peace with it, heck, maybe that's how they WANT their lives to be. But I don't, and I can't see myself learning to live with it, and still managing to be "emotional" in other ways.

Hi Matt,

I'm confused. Are we going for the emotional castration or are we veto-ing it? One way to start the process, is by limiting your emotional interactions, with humans. The less you socialise, the less possibility of emotional interaction.

You've already put some of those steps in place.

What are you asking here? How to ramp up that strategy? Or the benefits and pitfalls? The upshot is emotional safety. The downside, loniliness. It depends what your priority is. Emotional safety or human interaction.

The only issue is, these types of people always seem to end up going beserk in McDonalds, which is why society discourages isolation. Always seems to work out bad for us in the community.

I guess, if "Emotional Isolation" were a drug marketed by a pharmceutical company, it probably would have been banned, due to the unfortunate side-effects of;

Depersonalisation

Diminished language skills

Psychosis

Suicide

Etc, etc, etc

Matt, if you are looking to cut your emotions, why are you in therapy??? What do you hope to gain. There seems to a contradiction here. You don't want to feel, yet you go into therapy. You don't want to interact and socialise with humans, yet you start a blog here.

To me, seems you do want to connect, (your actions state as much) in fact, you are desperate to connect, but lack the life skills to do so. However, if you are serious about disconnecting, you can also use your energy to hone this skill.

Either can be learnt at this point in your life.

Your choice does not affect any one of us here. So I am willing to teach you either.

Deci