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Basic history...

 

I have a led up family. My parents are superficial snobs who want me and my sisters to grow up as miniature versions of them. My eldest sister, lets call her Rachel, copped the worst from them. The disapproved of everything she did and criticized everyone she was friends with (if a guy had long hair, then he wasn't a good friend, if a girl was mildly fat, then she wasn't a good friend etc). She ended up self harming, drugs/alcohol etc, running away at 15, coming back to live in the flat, and then moving to the other side of the country at 16 because if she stayed she would've committed suicide.

 

The middle sister, lets call her Ginny, didn't know what was really happening (we are all 4 years apart so she would have been 9ish when Rachel's problems began) when Rachel was fighting with mom and dad so she thought Rachel was purposefully trying to pick the fights. She started being a rude, violent , how would pick on me and put me down and she literally turned my life to hell. I would hit myself in the head all the time, even though I was only 5. I couldn't stand my life even then and frequently ran away (though my family would never notice because I would get scared and come back within a few hours). Even so, Ginny's abuse (mostly verbal) kinda became my coping mechanism. She moved out last year which was right when I hit a difficult period and became ultra depressed. I began scratching, and my self preservation instinct just disappeared (I don't check the roads before crossing and I just generally take risks).

 

With the depression, I became an insomniac, which sorta worked in my favor because when ever I can't be bothered acting happy my friends automatically assume I'm just tired. I have panic attacks at school but I manage to get to a bathroom before it hits, and my hands shake so much the all my friends have noticed and jokingly mock me about.The scratching got worse, it turned into cutting, and recently hitting myself with solid objects, not just my fists. I told one friend about it although not in this depth, I basically just said, "hey, i'm screwed in the head and my family sucks so i cut". Also another semi-friend saw but hasn't mentioned it which works for me.

 

I am a skinny person, I exercise regularly and of course, i love food. When I'm feeling low I'll buy a packet of chips and slowly eat them (this happens like once a month). My mom found two empty packets in my room and is convinced I'm going to get fat, live a long lonely life, and die a virgin. I reckon she is a bit messed in the head to be honest. But now she is constantly berating me, and criticizing everything I do. We recently renovated the house and are now landscaping the garden and she honestly had me shoveling gravel for 5 hours the other day, before making me go collect 7 composting bags of pine needles and then dropping me at gymnastics. IT WAS TWO PACKETS OF GOD DAMN CHIPS, no one can get fat of that, especially not me. I honestly don't gain weight easy. I stayed at 20kgs from the age of 7 till 9 with no ed or anything.

 

So much stress is on me with school (they recently decided we weren't getting enough homework so they just dumped a years worth of h/w to complete in one term), gym (I do team gym, which is like a combo of dance and gymnastics. We work as a group and do awesome things, but we are now in the competition season which is real stressful), and my mum being a crazy assholle. I have always seen suicide as a way out but now it seems like a real possibility. I've researched it and know what my three best options are. I don't know if I will but it is a real possibility now.

 

This message is purely to get my story out. I don't to be talked out of it because I know FOR SURE I'm gonna do it within the year. I can't see a counselor because of my parents and NZ's confidentiality laws. And I know my problems seem all petty but as I have often thought, sometimes you get pushed down too often to be able to get back up and right now, I am sprawled on the floor.

Kia kaha. Your story is so sad. I always think that if people criticise regularly its due to a deficiency within them. It's so sad you're copping flak from your own parents. I feel so sorry for you.

 

You can reach out. Do you have family or friends you can go to?

Maybe your older sister?

 

First up stop listening to all the negative feedback from your parents. It's not healthy. Concentrate on the aspects of life that being you joy whether that be gymnastics or school or whatever.

 

Don't let these people hold your happiness in their hands.

 

One day you'll be out of the house and free to do what you want, to forge ahead and do what makes you happy.

 

Hang in there!

I can only relate to this situation in that I have a cousin that committed suicide a few decades ago. He was a little older, but still a teen.

 

All of these years later, there are MANY people that knew him that still wonder if there was something that they could have done to help him IF only they knew how bad things were for him.

 

His parents were strict and opinionated and provided close guidance for him like many parents do. Parents do not always understand the effect they may have on their children when, for the most part, they are only trying to do what is best for their children.

 

From what you have documented on here and your other threads, you haven't been happy for quite a while and have escalated to cutting yourself. You are now talking suicide which sends tremors of sadness through me. You're 14 years old with a long life ahead of you. It's only a few more years until you will become an adult and out on your own making your own life. As a teenager, we all went through a lot of changes. We all lived in varying environments that affected the outcome of our transition to adulthood. Some didn't make it, others came through with scars and others had a grand old time.

 

As teens, we all had some measure of control over how we made that transition. We either caved in to the environments at home or we began our own path to be whom we wanted to be.

 

I know you don't want to be talked down off the ledge. I'm on the other side of the globe yet I feel for your plight and care about your life. None of us asked to be born, yet, once here, we can live our lives pretty much any way we want once we get our independence.

 

Before considering taking any further action on harming yourself or going the suicide route, please consider the following that I found on a website in New Zealand.

 

Although going to a school counselor may require them to notify your parents, there may be other resources that you can maintain your anonymity while talking to them. The various helplines can be accessed from public phones and they cannot identify you back to your home so that would enable you to talk to them without being disclosed.

 

Please, I beseech you to consider these resources. Things may look hopeless right now, but, talking to the right people can make a difference.

 

Please, at least consider this.

 

 

The following is an extract from: link removed

The following services can give advice:

 

• Primary healthcare professional or general practitioner.
  
• The community mental health service through your local DHB. Contact details for DHBs can be found at link removed or in the white pages of the telephone book.
  

Helplines

 

• Lifeline (0800 111 777)
  
• Samaritans (0800 726 666)
  
• Youthline (0800 376 633)
  
• Depression help-line (0800 111 757)
  
• Healthline (0800 611 116).
  

Some websites have information about depression and who to contact for help. The Lowdown also has text and email support services available specifically for young people.

 

• link removed
  
• link removed
  
• Counselling services such as school guidance counsellors, iwi and other Māori health/counselling services, lesbian and gay support counselling services, sexual abuse counselling services, alcohol and drug services or other specialist counselling services, such as bereavement services, family counsellors, whānau support services, refugee support services, etc.
  

I love how people truly believe there is someone I could reach out to.

Counselor's=No,

Family=Slaughter me alive before I open up to them, and

Friends=Brilliant, lovable people but naive, and innocent, people who freak out over such litle things, like my insomnia, and

Helplines=Unhelpful, "it sounds like you are depressed" no shiz "have you sought help?" what do you think I'm doing calling you

Websites=Either tell me i'm pathetic or tells me to refer to the above options.

Counselor's=No,

 

This isn't self-explanatory. Why 'no' to counseling?

This isn't self-explanatory. Why 'no' to counseling?

I'm guessing that if a counselor believes that a patient is going to harm themselves or others, they are usually required by law to report it. Also, if you have parents that are "superficial snobs", there is a lot of shame having a child who is mentally ill, doesn't look good at the country club and whatnot. A child who is a "bad seed" like the eldest daughter can be complained about "we did everything we could for her but she's just so disrepectful to us (or whatever other crime they believe in)" but mental illness? That might be *their* fault!

 

Foxface, when I was slightly older than you, I seriously considered committing suicide. My mother was a very controlling person who I did not feel ever loved me. I was unpopular at school (and home) and alone and had no one to talk to -- there wasn't the Internet when I was your age. Therapy was out of the question in part because my mother would have died of shame and wanted to know everything I said in the session to use against me later but also we were too poor to afford it. What stopped me was that I realised that once I was dead, I wouldn't have anything. Part of the story I told myself around this was that when my mother found out, boy would she be sorry she ever treated me so badly -- except I wouldn't be around any more to get the "reward" for my action. And then it hit me that if I were to go away to college, I would get out from under her and gain my freedom. Which is what I did. You need to find a way out, the light at the end of the tunnel. If you knew that you only had to put up with this for another three years before you could go away, that is something to plan for. It might even make you buckle down to your studies to ensure it.

 

You seem to have a lot going for you, beyond having drawn the short straw with your parents. You're smart enough to have figured all this out around who your parents are and what they are motivated by. You are also smart enough that you know that they're wrong or blinded by their own issues. I agree, a packet of chips isn't going to make anyone fat and at your age with the gymnastics you do, you need and burn off more calories than the average person. She's projecting her own insecurities on you. Many people, including your older sister could never have figured that out at your age -- she just rages out about it but probably doesn't understand why she is so angry and hurtful all the time.

 

Honestly, I don't think suicide is the answer for you, you're so close to being able to be on your own and away from their crazy. It sucks being a kid and being powerless to change your circumstances. When you're grown up and can have your own life, I'm sure you'll be much happier than you are now, I know I am. What you need are coping mechanisms for what you're in that aren't damaging to you -- the scratching/cutting may be a short-term solution but it isn't right.

 

I suggest that you go to your library and find some books on self-help or dealing with difficult people. You can read them in the library so your parents never need see them, nor will there be a record that you took them out. Meditation, yoga, middle distance running -- you need something that will allow you to destress that your parents can't find -- I understand why you can't go to them or have them find out. Since they apparently let you use the Internet unsupervised you could start a locked, private journal and get it all out that way.

 

I wish that you had an adult in your life that you could trust and rely on. It's hard enough growing up, it's even harder when you have to do it on your own. But I think you can manage it if you decide you want it.

This isn't self-explanatory. Why 'no' to counseling?

 

I mentioned confidentiality in NZ above. Also the fact that Rachel went and it only made her relationship with mum and dad even worse. Also my parents beliefs around counselling are that only really fuclked in the head people should go to them, and they have no clue whats going on in my life, nor do I plan to tell them. Also I suck at communicating to people face to face, especially when it is about my life and emotions. And these are only the basic reasons why it would not be an option.

Also my parents beliefs around counselling are that only really fuclked in the head people should go to them

Which is sad, because it sounds like they could really use some help, moreso than you.

I mentioned confidentiality in NZ above. Also the fact that Rachel went and it only made her relationship with mum and dad even worse. Also my parents beliefs around counselling are that only really fuclked in the head people should go to them, and they have no clue whats going on in my life, nor do I plan to tell them. Also I suck at communicating to people face to face, especially when it is about my life and emotions. And these are only the basic reasons why it would not be an option.

 

I don't know what 'confidentiality in NZ' means. We have laws here, too, but these involve imminent harm, and so people who don't want to be removed from their current homes know to avoid a direct threat of suicide. It doesn't mean they can't get help.

 

Maybe you can clarify how the law blocks you from any degree of help?

 

Also, your parent's beliefs are interesting but not relevant to helping yourself through school or public agencies.

 

If you could wave a magic wand, what kind of help would you accept, and what would need to happen for life to be manageable and worthwhile for you?

I don't know what 'confidentiality in NZ' means. We have laws here, too, but these involve imminent harm, and so people who don't want to be removed from their current homes know to avoid a direct threat of suicide. It doesn't mean they can't get help.

 

Maybe you can clarify how the law blocks you from any degree of help?

 

Also, your parent's beliefs are interesting but not relevant to helping yourself through school or public agencies.

 

If you could wave a magic wand, what kind of help would you accept, and what would need to happen for life to be manageable and worthwhile for you?

 

They have to notify your parents that you have started counselling and my parents would freak and be on my back about why I was going and stuff. The law doesn't block me. I could go if I chose to but that would mean disclosing my feelings to my parents which would definitely lead to a shiz hole because if I was honest they would not try to help me, they would just mope around wondering what they possibly did to deserve a daughter like me and if I lied they would think it was stupid for me to go to a counselor if nothing was "wrong" with me.

 

Any form of counseling, on the exception of helplines which don't actually help that much, needs to notify parents. Also that would go on my mental health record and if by chance I survive this year, my dream job is to be a psychologist and you need a clean mental health record for that

 

If I could wave my magic wand, I would disappear, erase myself from history. Perhaps if counseling services changed there confidentiality contracts then yes, I probably would go. Manageable and Worthwhile... My parents to be removed from my life. And my sisters. And to be able to continue to go to my school, with my friends, but to not have to live under the same roof as my parents. (the flat was destroyed so i can't go there). Removing myself from the equation is easiest.

Which is sad, because it sounds like they could really use some help, moreso than you.

 

Oh god yes. My dad's okay I guess, he is at work a lot, not that I mind, I have no separation issues or anything. But my mum if bloody mental. Her sister is bipolar or something and mum always preaches that she will never be mad like her sister, but I reckon she is. An insane, snobbish, assholle that gives me hell.

my dream job is to be a psychologist

I think you would be brilliant at it.

 

So, here's the thing: if you were an adult, in your dream job as a psychologist, what would you tell a girl who is your age and has similar problems? Because, as a psychologist and an adult, it wouldn't be responsible or right to say "just off yourself". Even if some other person at school confessed to you that they were considering suicide, it wouldn't be right to encourage them.

 

FWIW, I don't think you're crazy, I think you're being stressed out to the point that it feels like you're crazy. You're smart, I'm sure you can figure out some sort of coping mechanism to limit the amount of time you spend with your mother because you can't just erase yourself. I've joked with people that if the DeLorean pulled up, I would stop my parents from ever marrying (thereby erasing myself). You may think that no one would notice or care that you're no longer around, but you would leave a large hole. Even worse, you wouldn't get to do the things you enjoy any more. Like sneak a bag of chips when your mom isn't looking. BTW, you need to learn to get sneaky, girl. You want some chips, then eat them at school or take the bag and put it way down in the trash where she can't see it or dispose of it at school. You've got a mind of your own, I'm sure that you can figure out ways to carve out a space for yourself where you aren't constantly tormented by them. If you weren't in gymnastics, I'd suggest exercise, but you already get enough of that which is why I think that learning to meditate might be useful. If your mother catches you at it, you can always say you're learning it because you heard it helps with your studies -- she can't object to something that would help you improve your schoolwork (and therefore make her look better/give her something to brag about). Even getting an iPod and playing music to drown them out might help.

 

If it is truly unbearable, then do some research into the laws around emancipated minors (if they have that down there). Someone I knew did that when she was a teen. Not because she was in trouble or her mother was a freak but because they were so poor, it was a way for her to get more benefits. Her mother simply couldn't afford to keep her any more. I didn't know about that when I was a kid. Even if I had known, it's an option I couldn't have exercised because my mother was in the area of government that managed such things.

 

The thing that I learned in college was something they don't teach in school: I learned that everyone comes from a royally screwed up family. We are all messed up in our own ways by the people and circumstances that raise us. Even people who seem to have it all -- popularity, money, beauty -- are messed up, they're just better at hiding it/messed up in a different way. You look around at school and you see people who just don't understand you because they don't have your problems. But they have problems of their own. You don't know who is going hungry because their family can't afford food or whose parents beat them. Whose parents are alcoholics or drug addicts. Who are dealing with blended families that they didn't want. Odds are, at least one girl in your grade level has been sexually abused, and a boy (and sadly, probably more than just one or two). Even the so-called "perfect" popular kids are under a lot of pressure, to continue to be perfect and hold on to their popularity, which is its own kind of stress. Everyone around you is fighting the same battle, to figure out who they are, to separate themselves from their parents and decide what they want to do with the rest of their lives. It's a battle you can't see, that you're not privy to but it's all around you. You don't want people to know you're in pain and hurting, and they don't want to be vulnerable in front of you, either. I think you'd be amazed to know just how many kids at your school feel the same way that you do and are desperately hiding it so that they can look "normal".

 

Don't give up on yourself.

What 'Lorem Ipsum' has presented ^ is very well put and well worth your consideration.

 

Your dream job is a psychologist? Just think of the people that would benefit from your counsel/therapy. Imagine the lives that you will touch and make a difference. I find that a very exciting prospect.

 

I'm rooting for you!

Most mental health professionals get therapy from other mental health professionals. It helps them deal with the stresses of dealing with clients on top of any other problems over the course of their lives.

 

If you believe you need a spotless mental health record in order to go into psychology, your have a clear misunderstanding of the profession.

 

Besides, a desire to counsel others will likely require you to pursue counseling of your own as part of such a program. You can't offer what you don't know, so curiosity for it's own sake would likely drive me to the therapists office to learn exactly what they do.

 

Your parents may not approve of counseling, but some of the most healthy people I know seek therapy at some point to deal with a rough patch. You can tell your folks you're under stress and want to learn some tools and coping skills for managing stress.

 

Stress management is the most common reason people seek help. Your parents' opinion of that is irrelevant--especially if your goal is to push toward independence and pursue a career in the field of exactly what you're avoiding--that makes no sense.

 

If you don't admire your parents' anyway, why care what they think about any positive steps you wish to take? If they give you a hard time over everything else anyway, then what does it matter if you deliberately feed them one more topic to complain about? They'll just find something else to complain about, then.

 

Since you can't please others anyway, please your Self.