"I dont know if I'm in love with you anymore.."

It pains me to write this, because I never thought my marriage would come to this.

My husband and I used to be grand-- like most couples that start out.

However, over the years we have had our ups and downs. Looking back it sometimes seems like we have had more downs.

In the past 5 years we have had 3 kids under 5 (all planned), we both finished school, my husband used to do shift work (which was VERY hard one us, we were in contract with a short sale for a while (thankful it never worked out though), we moved to 3 different states, bought a home, dealt with repairs, kitchen remodels, and the list can go on. Needless to say-- we have gone through a lot of stressful life changes. We havent made nearly as much time for ourselves, we dont go on date nights, we have become very routine, money has been tight, etc. We have had our share of fights-- and they can get ugly. Lots of name calling which leaves to lots of resentment, etc. We went to counseling a couple of times-- but nothing came out of it. We just answered the questions and waited for the following session. My husband stopped hanging out with friends, stopped going to the gym, etc.

For the first time in 5 years he started going back to the gym about a month ago. He started caring more about having a social life again. I couldnt have been happier-- I saw it as finally we were going to have a healthy balance again. This was going to be our last baby.. last pregnancy.. last newborn stage.. I can go back to work in a couple of years.. it should all be uphill from here!

I just gave birth to our baby girl two weeks ago. The last few weeks of pregnancy my husband and I were very distant. I was miserably pregnant, hormonal, etc. He was sick of being rejected by me physically, sick of fighting, etc. The baby came. I knew he doesnt function well with no sleep so he has been sleeping in the guest room and helping out with the older two boys.

Then this past Monday he started saying how he wants a divorce. He doesnt know if he loves me anymore. He doesnt feel a connection between us emotionally (just physically). He wants to date other people or talk to someone new so he can have that feeling come back. He still wants to see the kids, he still wants to share a bank account, he still wants to be a "family" but he doesnt want to be husband and wife anymore. He would rather work on just being "best friends."

After kind of ignoring it for two days I told him he either needs to stay here and work on things, or we need to separate. That night he packed a big suitcase and went to a friends.

I felt like someone took a knife to my heart. The following day I couldnt eat, I would go about my normal routine with the kids, and just start crying out of nowhere. I would look at my phone and it would take everything in me to not text him, or to not beg him to come home. Not only that-- having a 4 year old, 2 year old, and 2 week old by myself knowing he wasnt going to walk through the door at 5pm was tough.

At this point-- I was realizing him leaving was very selfish. We jsut had a baby and he was getting to come spend time with them when he felt like it-- while I was stuck doing the daily grind (and all night grind with the newborn). I realized I really needed his help with the kids, or I was going to loose my sanity.

The following day we texted a bit. He picked up our older son from school and asked if he could come put them to bed that night. I of course said yes.

He said nothing has changed. He doesnt know what he wants, he wants us to be considered "broken up." He wants to move back home so we can raise the kids together, but he wants to be able to come and go and "have freedom." Then we ended up having a very intimate and passionate evening. This morning when he came down for breakfast I gave him a kiss and he replied "That was like a fling-- dont think that we are back together or anything." He helped out with the kids all day, and now he is out with a friend and they "might" goto the bars later.

Please someone-- tell me what to do. How do I save my marriage, but protect my heart, kids, and sanity?

Wow. Your H makes my Ex look like Prince Charming.

First of all, no, he does not get to act like a teenager out partying and sleeping with other(s) while you're stuck with all the work. You know he already has someone else, right? If he wants a divorce, I'd let him go file and get him set up with child support and spousal support. Plus part of daycare, etc., and every other weekend visitation so that you can have a break once in a while too. He might change his mind when he finds out how much this "freedom" is going to cost him.

Edited to add: Sounds like he wants a "divorce" of sorts, without the legalities. In other words, all the benefits of divorce without the responsibilities. Yeah, no. Aside from logistics (helping with the kids, helping financially) I'm not sure why you would want him around? He sounds like a first-class @$$.

Oh yeah, and shut down the sex. Now. My word! Anyone with the guts to say to me "you're just a fling, we're not back together" would not be getting anymore of this. Wow. Just . . . wow.

Knowing me, I divorce him.

I don't have time for people not knowing what they want. If they want things turn out the worst in order to appreciate and not take things for granted, then so be it. When he's ready to come back, I would never let him back. He can have visitations right with the kids.

He's too dumb to not solve the relationship and just end it.

Relationship is not a revolving door in my book.

Please someone-- tell me what to do. How do I save my marriage, but protect my heart, kids, and sanity?

I think you said the right thing when you said " I told him he either needs to stay here and work on things, or we need to separate."

For your sanity's sake, don't settle for his "flings" with you, or agree to share a home and bank account while he gets to simultaneously play the field, come and go as he pleases.

I get that he feels the weight of his responsibilities, and the stresses have been pretty steady. I think his idea to share a home and bank account is so that he can have the freedom of divorce without splitting assets. (He wants the pros without the cons. To have his cake and eat it, too.)

This is where you might want to write up a separation agreement regarding the kids care and bills, or seek advice from a lawyer first. Do you have family that can come help out for a week or so, since you are still recuperating and dealing with lost sleep while trying to handle this turn of events. You need to be thinking as clearly as possible.

He said nothing has changed. He doesnt know what he wants, he wants us to be considered "broken up." He wants to move back home so we can raise the kids together, but he wants to be able to come and go and "have freedom."

How selfish is that?

I would inform him that it doesn't work that way, and either he wants to be married, or he wants to be single. Also, I would tell him that if he doesn't want to live there as a husband and father, he can live elsewhere where he can have his "freedom."

Having said that, sleeping with him won't make a difference, if anything it will only take away every ounce of your self respect, as well as giving him a free pass to continue walking all over you. It won't serve you to reward him for dodging his responsibilities.

If it were me I would say "YOU stay here with the two young boys and the two week old and I will move out. I might go to the bars tonight too."

What BS. I'm sure you don't want to do this because you love your children. But seriously, the man can walk out on his wife and three young children because he "fell out of love" but if the woman did the same, they would say she is "abandoning her children". Ticks me off.

He said, "He wants to date other people or talk to someone new so he can have that feeling come back."

- He already is. That's whats going on... nothing more nothing less. He's a cheater.

You said, "Please someone-- tell me what to do. How do I save my marriage, but protect my heart, kids, and sanity? "

- First decide if you want to; you and only you can decide this.

No, you must get a lawyer today! Others here can help you with those steps.

Yes, Secretly purchase "James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let him see this book and never use a machine he has access to when visiting this forum!)

Helpful hints:

- Call a friend and go shopping today for new clothing.

- Stop telling him... everything. Stop talking but be nice.

- Think back to what you were like before you married romeo.

PS, Do not underestimate the value of this forum! Keep coming back.

You can't save your marriage all by yourself. And no book is going to help you out in that area. It takes two to want that. He's got to want to save your marriage and right now, he's not of the mind to do that.

From what youv'e described, he's never been of the mind to save your marriage--he wasn't committed to therapy when you two went through it, so don't count on him being receptive to it now.

Your best bet is to call a lawyer and get things ironed out. Tell him he cannot come and go as he pleases. If he's there, then he's there to stay in the marriage, not be an overgrown teenager who doesnt' want the responsibilities of marriage and family. If he balks, he's got to go and stay gone until the court tells him when is his turn to have his children with him. Unfortunately, you've got a newborn who's got you anchored to the house all the time and unless you're cool with leaving her for hours on end to hang out with your friends, realistically, you're not going to be going to the bars with your friends anytime soon. It's unfair, but when it comes to new infants, that's what it's like.

He is being incredibly selfish and cruel.

Please put your foot down. He's either 100 percent committed to making it work or you two split up. Don't let him have all the benefits of a wife and family and none of the hard parts.

You deserve more than someone who behaves this way.

He said nothing has changed. He doesnt know what he wants, he wants us to be considered "broken up." He wants to move back home so we can raise the kids together, but he wants to be able to come and go and "have freedom."

Basically what your husband is asking for is an open marriage now. He wants all the benefits he already has, but wants to be able to bring new women into the equation whenever he likes. And have you have absolutely no say in the matter. IF and that's a big if BTW, you want to try an open relationship then this is how it works. You tell him great, that you also want those same privileges--i.e. you get to go out and meet new men and have dates. You then tell him that the two of you need to work out a) a safety plan so strangers aren't suddenly coming around the kids when you both have no idea about the sanity of these people, yes both women and men. Also that if he goes out on X night, he has to give you Y night out. You let him know that it's an equal partnership and he has to be just as okay with you seeing other men and you are with him seeing other women.

That's one solution and frankly if you are even going to entertain this madness it's the only one that doesn't relegate you to doormat status.

The other solution is you tell him what you already told him--no, you are either 100 percent with me or you are 100 percent without me. If you want to pursue other women then I am going to see my lawyer in the morning, you will pay child support, we will work out in court who gets the kids when, I get the house for them BTW since it is after all YOUR kids too that you are leaving me with. And you don't touch me again unless and/if you decide you want to stop acting like a selfish jerk who gets to have his way 1,000 percent while I stay home and get treated like chattel. This is not some other country where women and kids are kept at home while the man goes off and has his fun. I get my options too since it is America, so too bad. Suck it up.

Really, those are your choices. There isn't any middle ground. There isn't any, "Maybe if I let him have his fun he'll come home after realizing he can have his cake and eat it too." You won't be rewarded for being faithful and continuing to play the wife, because that already has not worked. So it's time for a new plan. And frankly if you aren't down with the whole idea of seeing him with other women you will be eaten alive inside, the kids will sense it and become very unhappy, and he will make all your lives a living heck. Sorry, if he wants to break up then there's the door and he can wander out into his new life and find out what it's like at 4:00 a.m. when he's by himself in a crappy one-bedroom and the last girl he saw rejects him after learning how much of his money is gong towards child support.

Under that scenario he might just think twice about it all or not, but at least you aren't there losing every ounce of self-respect with your heart being raked over the coals continuously. And he will never come back to you in those circumstances since he has the best of both worlds and will frankly also get a seriously inflated ego over having multiple women while his wife and kids stay safely tucked away from the rest of his world, secure in the knowledge that you're there whenever he feels down or wants to play at husband for an evening before going back to meet up with some new woman.

Personally I'd be like, "Uh H*** NO! And you should too. Yes, what he is doing is incredibly, incredibly selfish. There is zero excuse for him acting like this and it's time for you to realize you do have power and options as well. And he needs to realize that big time and what exactly it is that he's losing if he follows through with his whole "I want to be a teenager with no responsibilities again" madness. Ugh.

The first person I would consult is an attorney. You may be informed that filing for a legal separation protects you in certain ways--such as limiting your liability for shared debt (possibly relieving you of any expenses he incurs after leaving and protecting your rights to shared assets).

Filing for separation is not the same as filing for divorce--I'd let him do any heavy lifting in any direction you don't want to go.

I'd also consult a therapist, your family, church and local human services agency for emotional help and for help with your children. Things like how to speak with them about this--and what NOT to say and do, ways to find assistance with babysitting and physical care.

Your attorney can also advise you on best ways to work out his visitation--such as limiting his access to the property to arranged times, and certainly CHANGING YOUR LOCKS.

This man needs to feel the full implications of being cut off from all that he's walked away from--which also means zero access to your body and marital bed. Finding a balance to avoid depriving your children of access to their father is a tricky road, and that's why an attorney and a therapist are essential.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll write more if it helps.

Oh boy! He wants to have his cake and eat it to. The way he wants it is not the way it is going to be. Get a lawyer. Get financial support from him for you and your kids and start acting selfish because that is what you need to do now. He is going to need to be forced into accepting responsibility, and that is what the courts are for. Get lawyered up! He may have second thoughts when he realizes how things are actually going to be. Then it will be your decision to make if you want someone who is irresponsible as he has shown himself to be. Sounds like he is having a midlife crisis.....=; Don't put up with it. Pull yourself together and be strong for you and your children. You will get through this...chi

What. a. jerk. Wow. I am very sorry that your husband is doing this to you. Was there ever any indication that he couldn't handle being a "family man"?

He's broken the marriage vows, so time to serve him some divorce papers and cut him off. You should know that I don't take divorce lightly, so this is not something I'd typically suggest. He doesn't deserve to be married to you and you deserve so much better.

I have no advice to offer, just want to say I am so sorry. That is unbelievable, to want a divorce is one thing, but that anyone could show such total disregard for the mother of his children (never mind a 2 week old baby!) is mind blowing. I am so sorry for the pain his actions must be causing.

Very sad- some men confuse lust with love and as that new spark has worn off he is thinking he doesn't love you anymore. Think long and hard about whether you want a man who can say he wants to date other people when you have given birth to two of his children, it's just the utmost betrayal and paints him as very superficial