Break Up with E and my Emotional Growth

Wow, how can everything change? I'm six weeks post break up and still trying to wrap my head around it. Where to start? I guess at the beginning.

Summer/fall 2012 I hit rock bottom. I read self-help books and experienced huge emotinoal growth. I was toxic, I just never realized how toxic. I may write more about this later...I guess we'll see.

Anyway, my rock bottom in 2012 came at the hands of me pushing a good man away. Our relationship was healthy while it was good, but because I wasn't emotionally healthy, it all turned bad. It took me six months to get over a two month relationship.

February 2013. E comes into my life. Literally on a Friday B told me he was seeing someone (ex from 2012), and E contacted me on the dating site the next day, Saturday. E lives 45 minutes away but has worked in my area and mentions that he liked the one restaurant here. So I drop hints saying "So, about XYZ...". He asked me out for Tuesday, but I was taking A out for her birthday to dinner. He was going out of town on Wednesday, so then he says "Well what about tonight?" That was Sunday February 24. We met at Chicken Coop and had pizza and a few beers (I only drank, he works third shift and had to go to work after dinner).

The date was good. Not spectacular, but he was easy enough to talk to. After our date he walked me to my car. I hugged him and thanked him for dinner. Later he texted me to let me know he made it to work and that the hug at the end gave him the adrenalin to make the drive (I found out later that with working third shift he normally takes a nap before work).

One thing that I should have picked up on.....his profile on the dating site said separated. I asked him about his wife on our date, I told him I was concerned he was only separated...he had 22 years with this woman. What if things were going well with us and down the road she wanted him back?

He said he could never trust her again. He told me that he found out she was dating, so he said to her "If you're dating, why not date me?" And they dated. Now there's two sides to every story, and I only know his side and what he told me. But according to him, with them dating, she promised not to start anything "new". Well she was already in the process of talking to someone on link removed when she and E started dating again, so she didn't consider that "starting anything new." One day while he was dating her, their sons told him that their mom never came home the night before. That's how he found out she was seeing someone else.

What he didn't mention on our date was that this all went down in December, just two months before we met. I wish I had known that. I didn't find out until later, when I already cared for E.

So, date one, pizza, good conversation, he only talked about his wife because I asked, and the conversation flowed very easily.

Posted 100813 in the "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your Ex" thread:

I wish I had come here Saturday instead of contacting my ex. We broke up Sept 6, and Sunday was a month. Saturday night I had the genious idea to send a non-emotional text just saying hi. Of course he didn't reply. I then texted him from my Google Voice number (different #), he replied saying Who's this and I immediately told him it was me. He told me it was over forever.

I think our relationship was doomed anyway, regardless of what I did during the relationship, as I was his rebound and he wasn't/isn't over his wife (he's separated). So I'm trying not to beat myself up. But contacting him Saturday led me to very sad Sunday.

So now whenever I feel tempted to contact, I will keep control of my actions and come here to read posts and post myself.

This guy was emotional and had really bad self-confidence, and as I already said he wasn't over his ex. But I fell in love with him.

Posted 100813 in "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your Ex"

I posted about you on a message board about break ups. I told the whole story. Some amazingly wise person pointed out I was your rebound. I think in my heart I knew I was. I told you I was tired of giving more than you gave me. When I was in TN, you were so mad at M for posting a pic of her bf on FB and tagging your sons. You still have so much animosity for her. A few weeks before you broke up with me you, she asked why you hate her bf so much, and you said because he came between you two reconciling. This was recent. The red flags were there, but I ignored them, because I love you. I"m angry with you for making me fall in love with you, and you were still in love with her the whole time. And then you just broke up with me, out of the blue. I don't think I would have gotten an explanation if I didn't drive to your house. And I'm so angry with myself for going crazy and acting insecure. I'm better than that and I will never again act like that. The most important person in my life is ME, and I will forever come first now.

Posted 100913 in "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your Ex"

I truly believe in my heart that you did me a favor breaking up with me. I'm hurt, and I think of you daily, but once I'm healed and move on, I will thank you. Your insecurity caused us so many problems. I would say something jokingly and you would take it seriously and then ignore me. Or when I said I love you, you would say "Don't."

I googled rebound relationships. The one article was amazing, as it really hit home. After we consumated our relationship you idealized me. You said I brought you back to life, and I made you want to be a better man. You wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. Constantly telling me how amazing I was. I told you not to put me on a pedestal because it's a long fall, but you didnt' listen. Then I let my guard down, showed you my vulnerable side. Our relationship was doomed from the start, as you still wanted M, but that doesn't make the pain hurt any less.

I'm an amazing woman, and I know one day you'll realize what you had, and that you were a fool to push me away. I don't wish anything bad for you, but you truly made a terrible mistake, and the end of our relationship is YOUR loss, not mine. I am learning and growing from our breakup, and some other incredible guy is going to benefit from my emotionall growth.

I have so much more to say, but that's all for now.

I know you think of me. We knew each other six months and were together 4.5. I'm going to be hard to forget. I selfishly hope you compare other women to me when you start dating again. I'm sure it will be inevitable. You told me I was the best lover you had ever been with. I didn't dig for that compliment, you offered it freely. It's going to be hard to top the best. I hope other women pale in comparison to me.

I know one day I'll wish you happiness. Deep down inside I do now, but I also feel selfish. That will change with time, as I heal.

Take care. You were my best friend. I love you.

100913 Again

There's so many things I want to say and I know I shouldn't/can't. I'm so strong, but I'm so weak.

The day you broke up with me, you said you wished I had answered my phone two nights earlier. Two days later I asked what that would have changed, and you said "I don't know." I know you have doubts, this break up came from out of the blue.

There's so much I want to say and change, but I can't/won't. I know chances are I will never get another chance with you. But if there is to be any hope, I have to give you your space and work on MY issues, and hope and pray that you are working on yours. I tried so hard to help you, but I can't fix you or change you. Only you can do that. Maybe six months or a year will go by and you won't change at all.

I hope I'm not giving myself false hope. I feel so helpless. And I'm angry..angry that you can tell me one day you love me, then five days later break up with me. That gives me hope as well, because you didn't have time to fall out of love with me. If we were together for years and you spent a year unhappy with me and then broke up, I could understand. But this break up came out of the blue. I understand, but I don't understand.

Love sucks.

Posted 101013

Today's my birthday. I planned on doing NC from the start and contacting you in December for your birthday, but in the back of my mind I hoped you would contact me today.

I didn't think of you as much this morning when I was getting ready for work. Probably because my phone is blowing up with facebook posts wishing me a happy birthday. I'm sure tomorrow will go back to sucking.

I truly felt like your dirty little secret. I had to guilt you into accepting my friend request. Then it was sort of understood that I could never tag you in any posts because you were "private" and didn't want people knowing your business. Our last weekend together you went to T's football game. While you were getting ready I said "Do you want me to go?" You said "You can, but you have to shake a leg." I said "that's not what I asked, do YOU want me to go?" And you said "No, I wasn't going to ask you." I asked the next day why you didnt' want me there, and you said in case your wife was there, you didn't want to cause a problem. Meanwhile, she has her bf around your kids and at functions all of the time. You cared more about her feelings than mine.

When you invited me to dinner after I got back from TN, I thought I was going to get to meet your Mom. I only realized after I got there that you only invited me because your mom had gone home already. But you introduced me to both kids, and I hung out with you and T a few times. We went to dinner, we bowled, we stayed in watching movies with him.

When we first started dating, I told you I wait a while to introduce men to my son. You said you wish M did that. But you introduced me to T about a month after we met. So you were angry she had her bf around your sons, but you introduced me to T way too soon. I didn't even want you to meet my T when you did, about two months in, but you bought a battery for my car and I felt bad not taking you to my house to install it. You offered to buy the tool you needed somewhere and install it at a store, but I felt bad so I took you to my home and introduced you to T.

Hindsight is 20/20. It truly is. That doesn't make it hurt any less, but it makes so much sense now.

Although I know I was your rebound, I still in my heart feel like what we had was real. I have to stop devoting so much time thinking of you. I can't change anything, as the only one I can control is me. I am completely powerless, except in helping myself and changing the behaviors that I despise.

In the end this will be your loss. I'm working on myself, and I've lost 12 pounds through eating healthy/exercise since we broke up. I have weight loss goals. Another 20 pounds by the time I go on vacation for Thanksgiving. And at least 50 pounds total by spring. I'm going to be a knockout and you're going to be alone. If you meet someone else, she wont' be as good to you as I was. I don't wish bad things on you, but I know I'm going to be hard to beat.

101013 again

When I told Heather you broke up with me, she didn't sympathize with me or ask what happened. Her reply was "He wasn't right for you."

She's the only person that knew at least 90% of what went on in our relationship. My other friends knew mostly the good times, and a few friends knew about your insecurity. I even told two of my friends through IM or email "Once he works on his self-esteem he'll be perfect for me." That's code for, "Once he changes he'll be perfect for me." My other friend Heather came in from Florida for Becky's wedding, and the first thing I told her about you was "He has no backbone." I later told her you were great, you took me to NYC to see Phantom, and we were going to DC for three nights, and we had a great time together. Her reply was "That's all great, but that's not what you told me, you told me he has no backbone. That was the first thing you told me when describing him."

So much food for thought.

Nearly two hours ago someone texted me Happy birthday leigh from an unknown number. I replied two minutes later that I got a new phone this summer and don't know who this is. The person has yet to reply. I know not everyone looks at their phone that quickly, but I am imagining in my head that it's you texting from a ghost number, that you are thinking of me today but don't want to reach out because I acted crazy after the break up.

I'm quite sure that's not the case, but deep down it's nice to think it is.

101113

I dreamed of you again last night. Do you dream of me? Do you think of me when you're awake? I'm sure that's why i dream of you, because I think of you so much during the day. I wish there was a way to shut my mind off. It's only been a month, I'm sure I'm being too hard on myself. This is a natural grieving process, grieving the loss of you in my life. I understand it, but I don't. Hindsight really is 20/20.

We remained friends after the first time we broke up, but that really hurt me. It hurt me when you said you had nothing left in this area and you were applying for a job in Montana, it hurt me that you didn't want to be with me, that we were in the "friend" zone. So although I would love to hear from you now, I know I would be hoping for something more deep down, and it would kill me. Deep down I know you're not ready, and I still have work to do on ME.

I hate thinking of you. I wish I could stop.

I'm convinced it you was you texting to wish me a happy birthday. It's been 22 hours and the person still never replied and said who they were. Why would they not answer me and say "hey, it's so and so", unless it was you.

I'm sure you thought of me yesterday even if it wasn't you. I wish I knew what to think and feel.

You said it's over. I have to take you at your word and stop getting my hopes up.

101213

I honestly don't have that much to say to you today. I wish I didn't contact you a week ago, because I'd be much further into NC and healing.

I hope you're well, and for your sake, I hope you're working on healing and growing. I hope the boys are well too.

I love you, but the pain feels less today.

I so badly want to email you and explain my fear of abandonment. It explains my behavior completely. But it's also given me a new focus, something to work on, and the hope that once I've worked on that, I will never again act the way I did with you and B. The craziness that I felt. It all makes sense now. Driving there unannounced, begging, pleading.

I was at work when you broke up with me. I couldn't go back to focusing on work, I blew up your email and your cell phone. You ignored me. So I drove there. And I showed up two days later. And I kept contacting you. I understand it all now.

101313

My head knows that I am better off without you. I feel like my heart will be quick to catch up. Your lack of self-esteem was exhausting. I told you our last weekend together I can't walk on eggshells when talking to you. I would say things and you would get this hurt look on your face, but never told me how you felt. You finally said something Labor Day weekend to put yourself down and I yelled "Enough of the personal pity party already!" I wonder if that's the straw that broke the camels back?

I feel like if you were over M, and had your confidence, we could have been amazing together. But that's just me wanting to change people.

I love you, but a little less than I did. This is getting easier. B was willing to give me a second chance in June, and we were only together 2 months. If you think I acted crazy with you, you should see how I acted with him. 100x worse than I acted with you.

But you aren't B. I need to stop telling myself that because he was willing to give me a second chance, surely you will. I have a feeling once I'm over you, I won't want a second chance. Your flaws will scream at me to move on.

I tell myself that I'll text you when it would have been a year since we met, but who knows. Maybe I'll never hear from you again.

The mystery person who texted me happy birthday wasn't you. It was someone from work. Not sure why she didn't reply when I said who is this.

I know you know my birthday. And even if you didn't want to wish me a happy birthday, I'm sure you thought of me. You couldn't have been with me six months and then just forget me.

I read articles that say the dumpee feels the pain immediately, but the dumper feels relieved at first, and then the pain kicks in later when they realize they miss you. Maybe through trying to contact you I haven't given you the opportunity to miss me.

I'm so conflicted. I want you back, but I know I deserve better. The way you dealt with conflict was shameful. To ignore me, even when I told you ignoring me was the worst thing you could do. And then you said you didn't know what to do when I act like that. All you had to do was answer your phone so we could talk. I wasn't going to flip out on the phone. I just wanted to talk to you to resolve the conflict, but you cowered away from it because you are a coward. You broke up with me through email and you're 43.

I haven't cried in a week. And before that, it was a few weeks. You really don't deserve my tears. I hope my next boyfriend is like you, but confident. If you were over your wife and confident you would have been perfect for me. But I still have work to do.

I hope for your sake and for your future happiness, you work on yourself. I hope you learn and grow and change, because you really need to.

I don't wish anything bad on you. I wish you a life full of happiness. But I need to figure out how to move on. It's been a month, you made it clear you don't want to hear from me, and that we are over forever. I read the other threads here and give myself hope, but I am going to figure out how to let go.

101413

My heart still doesn't understand how we could have a great weekend, and then break up 5 days later. How you could tell me you love me. But then I think of all the times you were upset and didn't tell me because you don't like conflict. Or the times I knew you were upset and you IGNORED me because you don't like conflict.

I think of your terrible self-confidence, and your love for your wife, who by all accounts according to you did not deserve it. Why would you love someone who was rotten to you, and push me away when all I tried to do was lift you up? Your self-esteem, that's why. I could have been perfect, and things still would have ended.

I'm beginning to let go. I know it's a process, and saying it doesn't mean it's done. But I think of you less, and love you less. I love you, but I love me more. I deserve my love, you don't.

I've nearly said all to you there is to say. I know i will keep strong with NC. So you don't have to worry about hearing from me again. I hope you miss me, but I have to stop writing to you on here.

You said M was verbally abusive and withheld love. I was amazing to you. I think that's why you pushed me away. Last year I pushed B away because I didn't believe I deserved the happiness he was bringing me. My head was so screwed up. You weren't ready for a relationship. I told you she did you a favor separating from you, and you agreed. You told me I had an amazing,loving heart. The first time we dated you said I brought you back to life, made you want to be a better man.

I'm not coming to this thread to write to you anymore. I need to limit my time on here.

Oh, how I wish I stuck to NC after you broke up with me. If there was to be a chance, that would have let me leave with dignity and give me a better chance. But I'm doing it now. To heal, but hopefully, once you heal, you'll realize what you had.

101513

I didn't want to come back here to write to you, but I think it helps me say the things to you without actually saying them to you.

You are emotionally broken. I wanted so badly to help you because I knew the place you are. The place where you don't feel you deserve love and happiness. But you didn't want my help. You got angry when I tried helping, angry and defensive. I know that none of this is my fault. I said earlier, I could have acted perfectly in our relationship (but who am I kidding, no one is perfect) and it wouldn't have mattered because you are broken.

You think weight loss is going to fix your self-esteem. I wish it was that simple. I lost 54 pounds the healthy way in 2011 and it didn't bring me self-love. I had to do emotional work to find that. You didn't want to do emotional work, you wanted to have an easy fix, and easy surgery to lose your weight. You were angry you only lost 2 pounds in the 6 months you prepared for surgery, but then you kept bacon grease on your kitchen counter to cook with. The bacteria, let alone the fat in the bacon grease....I can't even believe it. Then you got mad once when I threw away the butter you BURNT for our lobster you cooked. I never said a word about the butter being burnt. But the next day the butter was left out over night and I asked you where it was because I wanted to throw it away, and you said you were saving it. BURNT butter!

And then the time you were eating a warm cheese stick from your car...God only knows how long it was in your car. It's dairy, it needs to be refrigerated, and you were eating it. Your'e a NURSE for Pete's sake. How do you not know about how to eat healthy, and how to store foods? Bacon grease before weight loss surgery, and then you're baffled you only lost 2 pounds in 6 months.

I really loved you, and still do. I want nothing but happiness for you. I really hope you do the emotional work. In the meantime, I'm working on me. I'm getting even healthier than I was, emotionally and physically. I'm taking Tyler and my Mom to Disney in November. Once I get back I'll be ready to move on.

I don't plan on contacting you. I thought maybe I would wish you a happy birthday December 14, or a Merry Christmas December 25, or a Happy Valentine's Day. I kept looking for later and later dates to reach out, to give you time. But my last email to you left the door open. If you want to reach me, you know how and where to reach me. But I'm not reaching out.

When I first posted our story, someone said I was your rebound. It makes perfect sense. They said if you do come back, I shouldn't entertain a relationship with you for at least six months. But, I have to stop thinking you are coming back. You told me we are over forever. I have to take that at face value.

I am learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes, and I will never again be with a man who is not confident and secure.

101613

Every day I feel lighter and lighter, and I miss you less and less.

Last year when B and I broke up, it took me 6 months to get over that relationship, and it was only a 2 month relationship. Our relationship was 6 months, and here I am, less than 6 weeks post breakup, and healing. I'm truly growing stronger. I almost wish you were here to see it.

I've lost 5 pounds in the last 9 days, for a total of 17 pounds since our breakup. Honestly I think I started the weight loss before our break up but I didn't start weighing myself until it became obvious I had lost some weight. And I'm doing it the right way. I'm getting stronger.

Everything in life is a lesson. And I definitely grow most through my pain.

I truly did the best I could in our relationship. You were lucky to have me. But I am also lucky to have had you.

"I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes." I want that tattooed. I really hope you are well E. I hope you aren't feeling any pain. I hope that having me in your life added some knowledge about yourself and what you deserve.

I can feel this power shift in my head and in my heart. Until recently, I worried about what you thought and felt. Now, I'm amost to the point where I can give a rat's butt what you are thinking or feeling. You're broken, I tried helping you. You have to want to help yourself, and you didn't. I know you didn't act maliciously, but you hurt me, and I deserve to be angry.

I planned to contact you at some point in the future. But now, I really think I'm getting close to the ponit that I know I won't have the desire. I'm not fully there yet, but I can feel myself getting close.

I can see everything with so much clarity. It's amazing. I hope for your sake you get to this point one day. I wish you happiness.

Thank you for ending the relationship. I knew in my heart our last weekend together the relationship had to end, but I don't know how to end relationships. Then you ended it, and I behaved disgustingly, not because I loved you so much, but because I have issues. You truly meant a lot to me, and I learned a lot about myself through this experience. But you are not well. You are emotionally ill, and it could take you years to get to the point I'm at, especially since you didn't seem interested in improving and changing. Your lack of self-esteem was exhausting.

I won't lie, I'm still thinking about you. But my heart doesn't hurt as much. It's getting better. I've learned so much. I wouldn't trade what I learned for the pain. The pain was worth the knowledge.

Thank you.

101713

Anger Stage

Tomorrow will be six weeks since you dumped me through email. You are a coward. You're also a slob. The first time I was at your apartment when you cooked me dinner you literally had a week's worth of dirty dishes on your counter. A few months later I finally bought you a dish rack because you would put your clean wet dishes on dish towels on the counter. I hope when you look at the dish rack you think of me. Two days after we broke up I drove there unannounced and your apartment was a mess. Much messier than when I spent the weekend the previous week. You had months worth of recycling piled up. You're so lazy I had to say one day "let's take this and take care of it." I got sick that day, I think from the smell of your recycling. You didn't believe in rinsing out your recyclables, so they had food and old yogurt or milk or other dairy products in them. You are a complete and total slob.

I cannot believe I put up with your emotional roller coaster. I'm actually angry with myself for putting up with that. Your constant complaining about M, I knew it meant you werent' over her but ignored it. And your constant putting yourself down "I guess I suck at dating." And other things you would say. All I ever wanted to do was help you and boost your self esteem, but you took it as insults or putting you down. I was SOOO loving to you. And you really didn't deserve it. I gave 110% to that relationship, I was lucky to get 70%.

I deserve a man who is over his past, and looking forward to the beautiful present and future I was wiling to provide you.

E, letting me go was the biggest mistake you ever made. You will NEVER find another woman like me. You threw me away like the trash you are too lazy to throw away in your apartment.

God, all Labor Day weekend your apartment stunk from your trash. I told you about it Saturday or Sunday and you said you didnt' smell it. I smelled it the moment I walked in the door after work Friday. How could you not smell it???? Every time we left and came back I smelled it again.

I really honestly guess you are so used to living in filth you were just immune to the smell. You finally said Monday you "kinda" smelled it. Um, really, KINDA? Cause I smelled it ALL WEEKEND. And I put up with it, because I loved you!!!! What a freaking fool I was!

You claimed I was too sexual. Really? You were the one that wanted to have sex in your living room while your 16 year old son was sleeping and could come out at any minute. You were the one that wanted to have sex in my living room when my mother or son could walk in at any minute. You made me feel bad, saying I was too sexual. OMG.

What on earth did I see in you? You were great the first time we dated. But then we broke up because you were fighting with your son. You applied for a job in Montana because you were fighting with your other son. What kind of man or person does that? I would never apply for an out of state job, especially that far away, just because I was fighting with my son. I would never tell people "My sons betrayed me." You never admitted this, but you thought them spending time with M's boyfriend was a betrayal. I even told you once you wanted them to HATE him on principal. Not because he was a bad person, but because he wasn't YOU.

You are SICK. SOOO sick. Emotionally broken. I told you in May, before we broke up the first time, if you let me I will walk all over you. And there were times I'm embarrassed to admit I did just that. I knew what to say to you to get my way. I guilted you into accepting my friend request on FB by asking if you were ashamed of me. I said I was afraid when you lost weight you would leave me for someone thinner. I knew you wouldn't , because I am an AMAZING woman, even at my size.

I was wonderful to you. You ending this relationship was a HUGE blessing for me. I looked past your faults. I tried stroking your fragile ego, pumping up your self-esteem. I was amazing and wonderful to you.

Tomorrow will be six weeks post break up. And I am getting my HAPPY Back!!! And you are not here to see it. Thank GOD for small favors.

I loved you. I really did. But the last two or three weeks, I started finding love for myself again. I learned so much about myself last year through the break up with B, and now I've learned even more through the break up with you. I've learned that I'm an amazing woman who has a lot to offer a man. I have an amazing, wonderful, caring heart. I tried sharing it with you. But you aren't emotionally ready for any woman to share her heart with you, because you are pining away for M.

I'm almost over you. I can't believe how quickly it happened. I still think of you. I look forward to the day when I no longer think of you. But I know that day is coming, because I can feel this power shift in my emotions and my heart. When I found this site, my heart longed to be with you, to be held and caressed by you. My heart would have rejoiced if we got back together.

Now that I've found clarity, I know you aren't the guy for me. I loved you, but you aren't healthy. You are toxic. I have a friend like that, and I've distanced myself from her because she was chronically toxic. But I allowed a toxic man into my life. Someone selfish and insecure. Someone who always looked at the bad side of things. I always tried to help you see the positive. You thought you were having surgery in May. It ended up being in July. You were upset by that two extra months waiting for an elective surgery. I told you that you had the rest of your life to reap the benefits of the surgery, and that two months was no time at all in a lifetime. You would get to work and say "Well I'm shift supervisor, and once again no one told me." And I would say "Yeah but you're getting MORE MONEY for it!" I even joked saying "I'm the queen of optimism." You didn't seem to find that funny. Every time you complained about M, I told you she did you a favor because you weren't happy in the marriage. You said you know. But in your heart, you didn't know it. You wanted her back. I even told you one night when I was drunk that you were still in love with her. And you were.

I'm angry and hurt. But I'm no longer confused. And I'm strong. My God, am I strong. I never knew I was capable of this strength. And now that I found it, i will continue building the framework to my emotional strength. I have my concrete foundation, reinforced with rebar. And even if another tornado like you comes along and knocks my walls down, i still have my strong foundation.

You know the best thing? I'm not bitter. Yes, I'm angry with you for the way you acted, and the way you ended things. But I know that I am ready to find love with a good, confident, secure man. A man who is driven, who doesn't want to be a bum like my ex husband. I told you this once and I meant it from the bottom of my heart: I would rather be poor and in love than rich and. You can't buy love or happiness. It has to come from within.

I have a date Saturday. He knows I'm not ready for anything serious, that I'm just out of a relationship, and he said he's ok with it. We are going bowling. It should be fun.

Good bye my love. Ich Leibe Dich. I really did. You were a beautiful learning experience in my life.

I feel free. Free to find my happiness. It was in my own heart, my happiness. Not sure why it took me so long to find it. I'm truly blessed to have the life I have. And you were truly blessed to have me in your life while you did. I wish I felt the same way about you, but I know that I will never regret it.

Not. One. Second. - Not. One. Regret.

101813

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for breaking up with me. It was a blessing, and I am grateful.

Liberating, isn't it? I somehow reached this point this week! And feel so FREE!

Originally Posted by Limiya

YESS!!! I AM OVER YOU!!! And i will NEVER EVER take you back. Good riddance. You did me a favour.

101913

I was feeling so good the last few days I didn't think I'd have to come here today. But I found myself thinking of you and feeling twinges of pain today. I guess I"m not healed like I was hoping I was. The pain wasn't bad, but I could definitely feel myself missing you. Do you miss me? I know you do, I don't even have to ask. We became each other's everything for six months. How could you not? And I know that us breaking up was your loss not mine....You're going to have a hard time finding someone who will be as good to you as me. By the time you realize it I'll probably be moved on.

102013

There were times you were feeling down and I'd say I love you, and you'd say don't. I wish I had listened. I wish I had walked out your door right then and there. You are emotionally broken, and there was nothing I could do to fix you. I'm so angry with you for loving a woman who you say was terrible to you, and refusing the love of me, an amazing woman. You even said "You have an amazing wonderful heart, and you take good care of me."

I was just a rebound. Just a stupid, meaningless rebound. And I knew it, deep down I knew it. When I saw you in July for the first time in six weeks, I got drunk and said you were still in love with M. I accepted your scraps. I told you our last weekend together that you never initiated "I love you" anymore, you only said it in response to me saying it. You never loved me. God I was a fool. I can't believe I didn't see it all. It was right there for me to see. I'm a darned fool.

I deserve more than scraps. I deserve a man who will love ME, heart and soul. Who will not leave me. I'm ready to be happy, but I have to get over you first. You are such a jerk.

I keep searching the posts for dumper, to see what's going on in your head. The things I've put together are that just because you are the dumper, doesn't mean it's easy on you. That initially the dumper feels relief the relationship is over, but then later they start to miss the dumpee. But usually by the time they miss the dumpee, the dumpee has moved on. In the back of my head, I hope you'll come back and tell me what a terrible mistake you've made. But I don't think that's going to happen. Even though I was wonderful to you, I was your rebound from HER. And our relationship wasn't healthy. WE had a lot of good times, but it wasn't healthy. I'm figuring out how to let go.

When I first came to this site, I wanted to figure out how to win you back. And I thought through giving you space you'd eventually contact me. I realized today that I know you probably won't contact me, so if I felt like it I would wish you a Happy Easter. I probably won't have any desire to by then, but deep in my heart I know you're a good person and I'm a good person, and would just like to hear from you at some point in the future, to see how are you. I figure 6 months is a good amount of time.

I really did love you E. With all of my heart. I just read a post on another thread. Someone said something very poignant. "If I did my best in the relationship, then the reason it ended doesn't matter." I know I did the best I was capable of when we dated. But I also know I'm capable of better. And so I'm working on me. Not for you. For me. For my future. I hate the fact that I begged and pleaded, that I couldn't walk away with my dignity. But, I could only do my best, and at the time, that was my best. I have abandonment issues. God I wish I had figured that out last year after the break up with B. But I also know in my heart that regardless of what I did, our relationship was doomed because you weren't over M. And your self-esteem sucked. I wanted so badly to help you. I got transfixed on the thought that you were the best guy for me. But there's someone out there, who isn't fixated on an ex, who is confident, who will be able to give me what I deserve. What you couldn't give me. I have a happy, wonderful future ahead of me.

We both did the best we could in our relationship. I know you didn't set out to hurt me. I chose to be with you, when deep down inside I knew you weren't over your wife. But I was in love with you, and thought if you were patient, you would love me back, truly. You said you loved me, but really, could you if you still loved her? I guess anything is possible.

I forgive you. We both did the best we could at the time. And I know next time, my best will be even better.

I love you. And part of loving you is letting you go. I think there will always be a fondness in my heart for you.

This is a word document I created the Monday after we broke up, listing all of the things I disliked about E:

Things that bothered me about E:

1. I felt like a dirty little secret.

a. I had to guilt him into being friends with me on Facebook by saying “What are you ashamed of me?”

b. I wasn’t allowed to post anything about him on Facebook, including tagging him in posts.

c. He didn’t want me at Tyler’s football game because Marsha might “get upset”.

d. For Tyler’s birthday party, Marsha said about renting a hall because she thought he might want to “bring a guest.” He said “No, I don’t need to bring anyone.”

e. His parents stayed at his apartment after his surgery to help him out. When I came back from TN he came to my house. He lied to his mom and said he was going to “a friend’s.”

i. The next day he invited me to dinner. I thought his parents were still there. No, they weren’t. I realized after that he would never have invited me if they were still there.

2. His insecurity caused A LOT of problems.

a. I jokingly called him an ahole. Made it quite clear I was joking. He got mad and wouldn’t talk to me for HOURS, even after I told him I was joking.

b. He ignored me on multiple occasions, even though I told him ignoring me was the WORST thing he could do to me several times.

c. He complains about money a lot, and not being able to afford a new vehicle (both vehicles are > 10 years old). I said $50 for 17 servings of protein powder with 60g of protein is not necessary, he is only trying to supplement his protein, not preparing for a marathon or trying to bulk up. He took that as a criticism.

d. He got a $400+ phone bill from AT&T. The previous month he said he was at the AT&T store over 1.5 hours. So I said let’s go as soon as they open so we aren’t there long. He took that as he can’t do anything right. I said I just didn’t want to waste hours at the AT&T store so wanted to go early.

e. When I tried to provide constructive criticism, he always took it as a put down and said things like I guess I’m a horrible person or a horrible father or an ahole, etc. I told him to knock it off with the personal pity party.

3. He wasn’t and probably still isn’t over Marsha.

a. He talked about her and complained about her all of the time.

b. He felt her new boyfriend, who she has been with since December, was being used to “replace him.”

i. He made a comment while I was in TN in July that her boyfriend “looked like him”.

c. Our first breakup in May/early June was because he was not over her.

d. He lied to me about an email she sent him on Easter. He said the email sounded like she regretted kicking him out. I found and read the email. It said “I’m looking through some stuff and realizing we had more bad times than good.” She went on to say “I heard you are seeing someone, I hope you are happy.” She also said in the email “We started out as friends, why can’t we be friends again?”

e. I think the reason he didn’t come to my Cinco De Mayo party was because she brought her boyfriend to Tyler’s Bark for Life event, not because as he told me Austin got in his face about it being “his weekend” with Tyler. It came out later that Austin didn’t want Erik at Baccalaureate because he didn’t want a problem like there was at Tyler’s Bark for Life event.

f. When we broke up the first time he said he just wanted to be accepted by her, he NEEDED that.

g. He FLIPPED OUT when she posted a pic of her boyfriend on FB and tagged the boys. Said she was “forcing” the boyfriend on their sons.

h. He was very hostile and bitter towards Marsha. A clear indication he was not over her.

i. I am COMPLETELY convinced, and even told him on a few occasions, that if she would take him back, he would go back to Marsha, even while I was in his life.

4. He told me on several occasions he was done with both boys. Even told me he was applying for a job in Montana and I could come visit because it would be close to Glacier. These are his sons, his flesh and blood. No matter how angry my Tyler made me, I would never tell someone I was “Done with him.”

5. His apartment is filthy and disgusting. It smelled all Labor Day weekend. I tried telling him about it a few times, and he said he didn’t smell anything. Then on Sunday or Monday he finally said he smelled the trash.

a. He left his recycling build up over months. I finally said let’s take it. It took us over 1.5 hours to sort it out at the recycling center. His closet was literally FULL of recycling.

6. He would leave bacon grease out on the counter, and when I threw it out he got mad saying he cooks with it.

7. He made lobster for dinner one time, and burnt the butter. I didn’t complain about the butter, but then when I went to throw it away he wanted to put it in the fridge to reuse (after it sat on the kitchen table all night). I told him it was burnt and sat out overnight, he couldn’t reuse it and I threw it away.

8. He ate a warm mozzarella cheese stick from his car one day in front of me. I took it out of his hand and threw it away. I told him it could make him sick since it’s dairy and wasn’t refrigerated.

9. When he said he would do something, it took him MONTHS to do it. Like fix the bed, or get the lidocain from work. They were both very easy tasks that took almost no effort, but it took him months.

10. He was very anti tattoo, and even implied he didn’t want me to get any more.

11. Lack of communication. If he was angry with me or upset about something, he wouldn’t talk to me.

a. The fact he just told me he loved me the last weekend we were together, then would break up with me without discussing it or telling me we had an issue, is a BIG problem.

b. He texted me on Tyler’s birthday to say Marsha wouldn’t let Austin bring Tyler over so he could give him his gift. I tried calling him and he wouldn’t answer.

c. When we broke up on a Monday, I asked if I would hear from him again. He said I hope so. I said I don’t like that answer, he said it’s the best I can do. I heard from him Friday and didn’t’ know how to respond so waited til Sunday to respond. He started his pity party about how he shouldn’t have bothered me. I then tried calling him later to talk and he ignored me.

d. He never told me when I act crazy that it could be a deal breaker, that he struggled with it. He communicated

This is a list of ways I acted that looking back, I'm disgusted at myself for acting this way. I am learning and growing:

When Erik called to say he may not be able to make it to my Cinco De Mayo party, I hung up on him, then called him back repeatedly. I cried on the phone with him. I made him feel terrible, and he clearly already felt terrible. Most of my reaction was pride….I was so excited to introduce him to my friends and I was afraid if I told them he wasn’t coming they’d think I had made him up, that he didn’t exist. My friends would NEVER think that! Later when he brought the salsa and left, I asked him to come back. He said no, he didn’t want to throw up anymore. I texted him he didn’t deserve me and other terrible things.

2. The Monday May 6th he sent me an email about sleeping on the couch since Austin was born so he would hear him, and how much he sacrificed. I thought he was telling me good bye. I freaked out and called and texted repeatedly. I also told him about being molested and raped through email. I became terrified because I thought he was telling me he had no right to be happy since he had kids and was telling me good bye. My fear made me react that way.

3. I was at his house for a weekend. I said something about him being off again, and he said he had to take Tyler to scouts. He said “But I’m off Thursday.” SO we had plans for me to spend the night Thursday. Later in the week he told me that Marsha was going out of town, he believed to Homeland Security, and he was going to invite the boys to dinner all week. I got upset because I had just told him I wasn’t ready to hang out with his kids, and if they were going to be there I didn’t want to be there. I wanted him to just acknowledge how I felt. Not cancel, just apologize and say I understand how you feel. He wouldn’t. I told him I wanted my belongings (PJ’s and shower stuff I left there). I drove there to get the stuff, we talked and made up. I acted as though I was going to end a relationship if I didn’t get an apology, a “Sorry I understand.” That was childish and immature.

4. On a weekday before Memorial Day Erik told me he bought Tuna steaks 2 for $7 and was going to cook them on the grill that weekend. I said “Is that an invitation?” He said anyone that wants to come is welcome. That Saturday evening I asked him what kind of wine he’d like me to bring. He wouldn’t answer the question. I began feeling a little insecure, because I invited myself. I asked if he was sure he wanted me there. I was acting a little snarky, not y, just a little insecure and sent a picture of me kinda frowning. He said that he did want me to come but if I was going to act that way I should stay home. I called him and texted him repeatedly. I drove to his house the next day because he shut his phone off. We talked a little, he told me to leave and I said no. He said fine, then I’ll leave. He went in his bedroom to get dressed and I sat in front of the door to prevent him from leaving. He said he can’t believe he is being held captive in his own home. I said if you feel you are in danger, by all means call 911. I let him out, and he ended up staying and working on his laptop. I later said Aren’t you glad I stayed, now we both feel better, and he seemed sincere when he said Yes. I had no business driving there, or calling/texting repeatedly. When he told me to go, I should have gone. I should have respected his space.

5. I jokingly called him an ahole through text message. I included an emoticon with my tongue sticking out thinking he would know I was joking. He didn’t and got mad. I texted him like crazy the next day that he’s still in love with Marsha and he wants her back, etc. He wouldn’t speak to me so I drove to his house unannounced to clear up the argument. I get terrified when he ignores me and think that the argument is going to lead to a break up. The irrational fear causes me to act disgustingly. I need to learn to just let an argument or disagreement play out, not force the issue.

6. I fought with him the day before Labor Day. But then everything was fine. Tuesday I texted about my hot iron and said I hope your workout assessment goes well. He said he had my iron. He didn’t say thanks, or have a nice day, or anything. He then didn’t call that night. I texted Wednesday morning what are you mad about now? When he didn’t reply, I texted and emailed SEVERAL times, and left him long voicemails.

7. He called Wednesday, I was sound asleep. I didn’t acknowledge his call the next day. I usually emailed him and said sorry I missed your call, but I was asleep. But I did that because when I emailed him to apologize on Wednesday for thinking he was mad, he didn’t acknowledge my email. My not answering his call wasn’t bad, and my not acknowledging it wasn’t necessarily bad except I knew something was wrong…and it caused him not to call Thursday.

8. When he didn’t call Thursday, I freaked out again on Friday. Called, texted, emailed, left voicemails……. He then broke up with me through email. I continued freaking out. I called him 20 times, emailed several, texted, over and over ALL DAY LONG. I drove to his house after work, said he was going to give me gas money for making me drive there. He said he wouldn’t be there, he would be golfing with Austin then going to Tyler’s football game. I drove there anyway.

9. I texted and called several times Saturday. Said I couldn’t stop crying. Begged him to talk to me, tell me something I could understand. I was basically trying to guilt him into talking to me.

10. Sunday I drove there again. Cried in front of him, begged him to give me a second chance. He told me it was time to go, I said no, call the cops. He called the cops. He told me never to contact him again or he would file harassment charges. I texted and asked him not to move on. Said I would work on myself, that the way I act disgusts me.

11. I wasn’t going to contact him, had my heart set on it. Monday September 16th I texted and said I miss my best friend. I then said sorry, I didn’t mean to hit send. I said I feel like you hate me. That was my way of trying to “guilt” him into talking to me. I then said I know you lied when you said you didn’t love me. I guess that has to be enough.

12. You need to stop leading relationships. With Bill, you said you loved him first. With Erik, he said it first, but then when you got back together in July you made him say it, and you always said it first. You need to give a guy time, whether it be Erik or someone new. Let them lead the relationship. Let them CHASE you the way a man should. He should be begging for more, not having second thoughts. When you let him chase you, he begs for more. When you push him before he is ready for things, he backs away. So STOP leading with emotion. You talked with Erik all the time about how the distance sucks. You talked about living together, or moving away together, and marriage. I want the man to pursue me, and want these things from me. I need to stop talking about them!

I am now in no contact as of September 17th and will continue until his birthday. I plan to reach out to him on his birthday, wish him a happy birthday. If he responds, ask him if he’d like to get a cup of coffee. If he doesn’t respond, I have to realize that I can’t force someone to want to be with me.

I have to give up control. I have to accept that the universe has a purpose and a plan for me. I wasn’t happy with him, not as happy as I deserved to be. And that’s why I fought with him Sunday. I realized he wasn’t over Marsha, and probably won’t be for a while

My first post about my breakup with E on enotalone

I've been reading these boards the last week or two since finding them after my breakup on September 6th. Here's my story. Feel free to read and share your opinions. Reading other's stories and typing my own in "Getting back together really does happen" and "The No Contact Challenge Part II" has helped me feel better.

I'm 36, about to be 37. I met my ex husband when I was 18 right after HS graduation. We were together way too long. He had a verbally abusive father who he felt he needed to prove himself to. He was financially irresponsible and put a priority on keeping up with the Joneses. He told me December 2008 he wanted a divorce (but only because I hadn't told him I loved him in a long time and always talked about divorcing him).

After our split, I dated nothing but jerks. Men who used and manipulated me. In June 2012 B came into my life and showed me there are still good men out there and that I deserved one. He courted me, he was respectful and amazing. Unfortunately I hated myself and didn't think I deserved the happiness he was bringing me. So in August 2012 I pushed him away, then went crazy begging etc for another chance. He finally began ignoring me in September and we had no contact until January when he said he would consider meeting for a coffee.

I read a lot of self help books, two of which helped TREMENDOUSLY. I did the exercises in them, and really began working on myself.

Late February 2013 E came into my life. E showed me that B really wasn't the one for me. E was emotional (B wasn't), and we were just more compatible. Unfortunately, E was only separated from his wife. On our first date I said that concerned me in case she decided to come back. We dated and things were mostly great. He has huge self esteem issues. They caused a lot of problems for us. I still had small self esteem issues and I am working on them. After Easter E told me his wife sent an email that sounds like she is having regrets. Late May he had his email open on his laptop so I went and found the email. She never showed any regret in the email. She basically said she heard he was seeing someone and hoped he was happy, they started out as friends, why couldn't they go back to being friends, and she realized going through some belongings that they had more bad times than good.

Also, I sorta skipped this. He was supposed to come to my Cinco De Mayo party and meet all of my friends, but he canceled. He said his older son was giving him a hard time because it was his weekend to have his younger son. I later found out that his wife was at an event that day, and it was the first time he saw his wife's boyfriend. She tried talking to him but he wanted nothing to do with it. I found out because his son graduated high school and didn't want his dad at baccalaureate. He said in a text to E he didn't want a repeat of the Bark for Life event. I asked what that meant and E said that his wife tried talking to him and he wanted nothing to do with her because her bf was with her.

So after his son didn't want him at Baccalarueate, we went four days without talking in early June. I finally said I guess you aren't going to call me. He said he didn't feel much like talking. I said I deserved better. We talked that night, cried together, and broke up. We didn't have contact until Friday when he said just wanted to say hi and I got my approval for surgery (he had weight loss surgery July 10). Sunday I texted back, he said sorry for bothering you, we worked things out, he said he wanted to "keep the door open."

We had LC for about a month, then started texting regularly, and even talked a few times. I went to TN on vacation July 10-19. When I got back, we got back together. It was completely unexpected. While I was on vacation we had a huge fight because he was upset his wife posted a pic of her bf on FB and tagged his sons. He said she was trying to force the bf on them. I said wow, I thought you were almost ready for us to be together, but you have a long way to go (his wife has been with her bf since December....so not a guy she just picked up in a bar one night and brought home to the boys).

Labor Day weekend we spent Friday - Monday together. Saturday we went to an out of town cookout. On the drive home, I realized I had to break up with him. I acted like a B all day Sunday to him. Monday I thought to myself, what am I doing? He's a great guy. I'm going to give it more time. He was distant with me all week. I blew up his phone on Wed & Fri saying why are you mad and distant, what's going on? Friday he said breaking up is for the best and thanks for the memories.

I drove there that day and told him to look me in the eye. So he did, he said the way I acted Sunday reminded him of his wife,and that's not the direction he wants his life to go. Sunday I drove back and begged him.

The following Monday I sent a few texts, including "I miss my best friend." (He had become my best friend).

Last night I tricked him into texting me by texting from a different #. He said the door is closed forever.

Today I sent a long email explaining how I wanted to break up with him and that's why I acted like a B. I told him I hope to hear from him at some point in the future. And that I hope he realizes all of the happiness he deseves because he is an amazing man. I told him I am letting him go since it's what he wants. I don't know what I thought the email would change, I think I just wanted him to understand what was going through my head that weekend. I told him through the relationship I realized I still have issues to deal with (blowing up his phone and begging shows I'm not as completely healed from my past as I thought and don't completely love myself yet).

So tomorrow I will start NC. And I will keep NC so that I can heal. I really hope and pray that some day he comes back. But if not, I know there will be something else out there for me.

SoSad33 Reply

It is NOT easy trying to have a real relationship with those recently out of a LTR. They are NOT emotionally available amongst other issues and I feel YOU were his 'rebound'. Those don't last long, most times.

Look up rebound relationships. They are often fast paced, with neediness or hot/cold and emotionally unavailable partners..etc.

They are often not good. As the one running off after their break up have NOT dealt with the break up at all. They havent dealt with the loss.. the pain.. and learning to accept the loss and heal again. They are messed up.

What they need to do is work on themselves again for a good while, get over this loss and learn how to become themselves and happy again.

Best thing I think for YOU to do is back right off, leave this guy alone to deal with HIMself and his break up. And carry on. He is NOT ready to move on at all. He cannot go into another relationship as he isn't even half heartedly ready to give.

One should be whole-heartedly ready to move into something new when ready...over their ex and happy again.

IF you should hear from him again someday ( dont bother accepting him anytime in the next 6 mos at least), who knows.. if you are still available and he is healed, things might then work out better.

My Reply

Thank you so much. I hate to admit it, but you are probably right. He and his ex split up Easter 2012. We met February 24 2013. BUT, I was the first woman he dated after his ex. And the red flags were there. When we broke up in early June the first time, I asked if he was still in love with her,and he said he didn't know, he just wishes she would "accept him."

I truly believe if he can heal and work on his self-esteem, he would be perfect for me. I think part of my craziness was ignoring my instincts. I know there are other men out there that will be even better, this pain just hurts for now.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story and reply. I'm new to the board and this is all helping me heal. And you've put it into perspective. I really know in my heart he wasn't ready. I was over all of my exes when I entered into our relationship. Two weeks before we broke up he met his wife to talk about their divorce. She asked why he hated her boyfriend, and he said "because he came between us reconciling." She said "If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else." The fact that he has so much animosity tells me he isn't healed.

Thanks again!

I just read another thread by Spaniard about him and a girl that is crazy. Someone said he has a hero complex, trying to fix her.

Wow, that is pretty much what I tried to do with E. I wanted to fix him, emotionally, because I knew what he was going through and how he was feeling. I would try to help him emotionally, with the utmost of care and heart, and he would take it as I thought he was a loser. He would get down on himself and say things like "I suck at relationships".

He was scheduled for weight loss surgery, and I said that would help him get healthy, but it wasn't going to fix his self confidence. That's why so many people lose weight and regain it (I wasn't implying he would regain after his surgery, just that fixing his outside wouldn't fix his inside). And he got all down on himself and started fighting with me.

Deep down in my heart I know he is emotionally broken and not over his wife, but I really care for him. I truly hope he finds his happiness some day, and that I hear from him, even if it's just as friends down the road, a year or two from now. He's really a good guy who needs to find his confidence and heal.

SoSad33 reply

t1- I understand how much it all hurts. To have such feelings then lose. hurts everyone. this is what sucks about relationships.. when they end.

this has been MY hardest ever to accept & work on. 5 yrs.. and i came to love him deeply. very hard to accept this loss for me

one day at a time though.. sigh

good luck

My reply

Thank you, good luck to you as well. It hurts less every day. And you pointing out what I knew in my heart, that I was his rebound, has helped give me perspective. I know, looking back, that no matter how perfectly I might have acted (I know I didn't, but am working on me) it still would have ended the same. He wasn't ready, and in addition to his healing from the loss of his wife and family as a whole, he has emotional work to do on his self-esteem and lack of self-love.

It gets clearer with time. My head knows he wasn't right for me, my heart will be catching up pretty quickly as I really feel better than I did just a week or more ago.

Sharky988

I'm not sure of your age (and I'm sure not going to ask hahahaa!) but I suspect like me you're at a time in your life when you'll be meeting men who are coming out of longterm relationships and marriages -- I'm talking marriages that lasted 10 years and more.... I think a good takeaway lesson to be learned here is that someone who's just a year or two out of a divorce isn't really a good candidate for another relationship yet. In my experience, they're either still hung up on their exes or they want to sow wild oats for a while before settling down again into anything long term.

It sounds really jaded, but after a few heartbreaks it got very simple for me: I just won't date them if they're only a year or two divorced.

Keep posting and reading through threads here. You're going to be fine!

Me

I'm 37 (and not ashamed to admit it! Ask me after 40 and I'll probably be more hesitant to disclose ).

Yes, E was with his wife 22 years, married 20, their oldest son is 18. He didn't want the divorce, begged her and everything. I didn't find this out until later, but 2-3 months before we met he convinced his wife to date him again because he found out she was dating. He basically said "If your'e dating, why not date me?" According to him (and there's always two sides to every story) she agreed not to start anything new with men and focus on E. Well she was already in the process of talking to someone on link removed and since she was already talking to him didn't consider this "starting something new". (Again, this is all just his side of the story).

It became apparent the longer we dated he wasn't over her. He would complain about her a lot. And I would tell him it hurt me, but in hindsight it was my fault. We broke up for six weeks, but kept in contact, and then got back together in July. I definitely feel like I pushed him. I made mistakes, but I guess I did the best I could at the time. He even said "Is it bad that I wish she was dead?" That's a lot of animosity for someone he claimed he no longer cared for. About two weeks before we broke up his wife spoke to him about their pending divorce, and during that conversation she asked "Why do you hate P?" (her boyfriend). E responded "Because he came between us reconciling." She said "If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else."

The red flags were there, but I loved him and wanted him to love me back.

It's all a learning process for me. On top of not being over his wife, he has horrible self-esteem. The frist time we broke up in June he said "I just want her acceptance." Yep, plenty of red flags! But I wouldn't take any of it back, or change any of it. It was a beautiful learning experience.

Sharky988

It's a VERY valuable learning experience, and I bet that from now on you'll be picking up on those red flags MUCH quicker!

Another red flag you noted is just bringing up their ex a lot -- praising them or complaining about them, it doesn't matter. If someone's talking about their ex very often, that's another dealbreaker for me now.

HIS self-esteem.... HIS ex-wife and her link removed account.... can you see how NONE of that is any of your concern and he had NO BUSINESS WHATSOEVER putting that on your plate? You don't need to be his therapist and you certainly don't need to hear him talk about his ex or her life or their attempts at reconciling!

Far from coming off as suffering from low self-esteem.... the way you describe him sounds like he was extremely self-centered and inconsiderate of you!

Me

I'm SOOO glad I found this website. People here have really helped me understand things and know that I'm not crazy. I told E it bothered me when he complained about his wife, and he would apologize, then I felt bad and said no if you can't vent to me, who can you vent to?

I was covered in red flags. But knowledge is power. And now I know what to look for so this doesn't happen again!

My post in Personal Growth about How to Build Emotional Strength

Last year I hit rock bottom. My self-hatred caused me to push away a good man (in hindsight, although he was a good guy, he wasn't the right guy for me). But through that experience I learned to love myself and build my self-esteem. I can now say I know I'm an amazing woman who has a lot to offer the right man, a man who deserves me. I will never again ignore my instincts, or settle for the crumbs I was given by guys I dated after my separation/divorce.

I still have issues I'm working on. I'm completely confident in my career, my role as a mother, daughter, sister and friend. But I lose that confidence when I start to care about a man. Anytime there was a problem in my most recent relationship, I wanted to fix things as soon as possible. My boyfriend would ignore me because he doesn't like conflict. Him ignoring me caused me to fly off the handle. I would blow up his phone with texts and calls. He would ignore me. He said "I don't know how to deal with you when you get like this." That should have been a sign to me to work on that issue, but it wasn't. In my mind I blamed him for ignoring me and forcing me to act that way.

When we broke up, I drove to his house and told him he was going to look me in the eye and tell me why it was over. I blew up his phone the next day with texts and calls pleading. I drove there unannounced two days later to beg for another chance.

I feel emotionally weak. Like I'm broken. Our relationship was six months. Not an eternity, but not a weekend fling. I just feel like there are people out there who are strong and can handle difficult situations. Like someone who loses a limb might take it better than I take the loss of a relationship of a few months.

What is it that makes people emotionally strong? I can really use advice as I hate feeling weak. I hate the fact that I "wigged out" (aka, went crazy), and begged, and cried, and couldn't go no contact to help myself heal right away. I just went NC Tuesday, a month after the break up.

I want to say, I'm SOOO much better than I was last year. Last year, after the break up of the two month relationship, I came home after work every day, ate and read. I didn't socialize. I didn't sleep well. I gained 21 pounds. I obsessed over that ex. I'm not obsessing over this ex, but he crosses my mind several times a day.

I know time heals all wounds. What I want to know is why are there some people who can say "Once I'm done with a relationship, I'm done." And move on. While there are many people who came to this site because of the loss of a relationship, and hope and wish and pray that the ex comes back.

I need to find emotional strength!

Qac Reply

same feelings here.. lets hope i can find an answer from this topic.

happybear reply

sound maybe like you are co-dependant and have a low sense of self-worth. How was your relationship with your parents, particularly your father?

From what you describe it wasn't a healthy relationship, and your ex was not healthy either...healthy adults do not ignore one another to avoid conflict, you talk out your differences in an open and respectful way and do not resort to game playing to get a reaction or get-back at the other person. That is all very immature.

I think maybe you might want to look at what it was that drove you to plead for him to come back? Because it sounds like low sense of self-worth. When someone tells you they don't want to be with you, you respect yourself and walk away.

JJ2980

I think you need to change your perception. People handle relationship break downs differently - some beg, plead, cry (read: get very emotional), some internalise their pain and others seem to move on relatively easily. Of the 3 options the one I least want to be is the person that moves on easily.

People aren't disposable to me. For however long they were in my life they meant something to me when I was with them and so will always have a special spot in my thoughts or heart even if I never speak to them again. I don't get bitter and I don't let negativity plague me. I actively choose to remember the good.

Part of what's helped me get over break ups is regular doses of reality checks. I do a lot of self-analysis and whenever I see a trait or character in myself I don't like I will change it no matter how difficult that may be. I'm very proactive that way. I hold myself accountable for my actions. Also, I will analyse the things that went wrong in the relationship itself ie personality clashes, incompatibilities in morals/lifestyle etc. I'll be honest about them with myself. It doesn't make the pain go away but it keeps me in check. It brings a calm to the storm so as to speak.

Me

I know, I agree 100%, and I admire people who can just walk away when a relationship ends and tell themselves they deserve better. I do love myself, but I guess I slipped a little? The co-dependency sounds likely, I will google and research.

I am an abuse survivor. Also, my mother is a recovered alcoholic. My Dad was amazing, but died in 2011. My childhood wasn't terrible but wasn't the Donna Reed Show (in all fairness, who's was?) My mom would play music and drink and cry for hours. Blast music and cry. She would lay in the hallway, with her ear to the air vent, listening to the neighbors downstairs (we were in an apt) fighting. Once, she listened to our neighbor beat up his girlfriend. I was only in middle school and completely confused. She would get drunk and fight with my Dad, physically fight, and I would lock my brother and I in my room (I was 7 years older). She would take me for rides in the car while she drank, without a license, and when the bottle was empty, she'd stop so I could put it on the curb. We would go for country rides with my aunt at night while my Mom drank. I can't even tell you how many times in one night my mom would pee on the side of the road. I remember rooting for my Dad to "get her" because I felt I hated her so much. She is bipolar and severely depressed. She has been sober over 10 years, but my childhood scars have never healed.

Yes, my ex has issues. I really hope he is working on them. Because I hope for reconciliation, but more so for his health and happiness. I totally jokingly called him a name through text, and even used the emoticon. The next day when I didn't hear from him, I texted and said are you mad? He said "You're perceptive." I asked why, he said you called me an .... I said I was joking, he said it didn't seem like it. I tried calling, and he ignored me. Then I texted and it would take him an hour to reply to each text. Drove me BATTY. Another time he was having an issue with his younger son and texted. I was driving so tried calling, he ignored me, just kept texting.

Another time I felt like I invited myself somewhere, and wanted to make sure he wanted me there. I got a little snarky, so he said "I did want you to come, but if you're going to be like this you can stay home." I tried calling to clear things up, and he ignored me.

Anyway, I can't fix/change him. Only he can do that. But I'm not happy with the way I reacted. I learned a long time ago I can't control the actions of others, I can only control my own actions and reactions. The way I reacted disturbs me. I should never blow someone's phone up with texts and calls, even if they are acting poorly. I am the master of my universe. And I want to use this experience to learn and grow, so as not to make the same mistakes.

I'm not here for pity, just sharing my story, and hoping to grow and improve.

My trait that I need to work on is IRRATIONAL fear. Like I said, when we had any issues, I got crazy scared and wanted to fix it asap. When I feel that way again in the future, I plan to take deep breaths and asking myself why I'm afraid, and what is the WORST thing that can happen. I hope by breathing, calming down and thinking, I can learn to accept fear as normal and OK, and not need to control it and stop it or fix whatever is wrong immediately.

I was afraid that a disagreement would lead to a break up. But even if it did, the world wouldn't end. But to me, it felt like it would end!

I'm a work in progress, and I'm here to work on ME to find a happier tomorrow.

JJ2980

You are taking some positive steps OP. I agree with calming the mind and taking deep breaths. When your thinking and feelings are in turmoil it helps to do those things.

Good luck with your personal goals.

catfeeder

Have you considered working with a professional? It can be a regular counselor (MSW) as opposed to a doctor, I'd just try to find someone who's well trained in working with abandonment issues.

Most of us have those to some degree, in one form or another, and they usually don't rear up once we're mature unless we're in an important relationship. Before maturity, though, it's common to look back and see random acting out or attention-seeking from a certain point in childhood.

Point is, this is deep stuff, so mantras or pointers or common sense advice can be helpful but not the kind of healing that's needed for self-control to become a default position in dealing with the heaviest hitters--romantic relationships.

My friends think of me as one of the most well-adjusted people they know. All well and good. They didn't see me go bonkers after my last breakup. Hah!

Ehm...or the one before that. ...or before that.

Seeing a pattern is helpful, but that ID's the symptoms--not the cause. Someone who's trained to help identify THAT is one who can help you work through it and past it and on to a future you can feel more confident about.

Head high--it's doable.

Me

Wow, abandonment issues, I just googled and read some stories, and went to amazon to read some book descriptions and reviews. This makes perfect sense. As I said in my OP, I've dealt with my self-hatred and turned it into self-love. I know I'm an amazing person with a huge heart, but I have abandonment issues. One book on amazon talks about abandonment and the emotionally unavailable mother. My mother is a recovered alcoholic. She loved me the best she could, but she was emotionally unavailable.

I saw a therapist last year after that break up because I wanted to find my issues and work on them so I didn't repeat the mistakes in the next relationship. My self-esteem helped with this relationship, but I never dealt with the abandonment issues because I didn't realize I had them. I feel like I was completely honest with the therapist about how I acted post-break up, but maybe I wasn't, or maybe she didn't dig deep enough.

I feel so much better knowing WHAT the issue is. When we know WHAT it is, we can work on fixing it! Thank you SOOOO much Catfeeder! If I didn't know about this and work on it, it would probably come up in my future relationships. I am all about personal growth.....

happybear

this kind of manipulative, passive nonsense...not actually telling you how he felt but making you guess and making you feel uneasy without an explanation...did you ever experience this with your mother?

Fro what you wrote about your mother it is clear that she had a great deal of emotional troubles. but what you didn't write is how you and her interacted emotionally (and you don't have to write it out, but just think about it though). Was she manipulative to you, was she ambivalent? Did you have to go out of your way to get her attention? The ways that you interacted with her are likely affecting you now.

For example, my dad was super passive, he was a good man, but i can't recall having had a real conversation with him my entire life, he just didn't seem to be interested at all in who I was as a person and my life from the time I was a child until adulthood. H just didn't seem to care much, he was always there in body but not emotionally, even after I moved away for college, i would call home and if he happened to answer the phone he would immediately give the phone to my mom instead of actually talking to me, even just to say "how are you" he never asked! and he never asked my mother what was new with me either--if she didn't fill him in he wouldn't know and never thought to inquire.

This behavior from him has led me to have the issue of getting hooked onto men that are rather emotionally unavailable. Men that don't put their cards on the table, are not open about how they feel and are quite self-involved. Also I would get hooked on men that I couldn't have and waste lots of time pining away for guys that were not interested in me. I went through a long phase of only being attracted to men that were not even single...wanting someone that I couldn't have--it was the unavailable-ness that was familiar and "comforting" to me because it mimicked my RS with my dad. I have worked through ost of it by now, but sometimes I still get caught up in it, but I am wiser now.

I also highly recomend seeking professional help with this as you have admitted the the emptional scars have not healed. Heal hersefl first before you seek out relationships, take care of yourself first

Me

When I was in high school, I went through an emotionally trying time. I was actually hospitalized. At that time I wrote poetry, a lot of it about my mother. I wrote about how I could no longer take care of her. I was 7 years older than my brother. He was only a toddler during her worst drinking years. I took care of him and shielded him from her when she was drunk. Looking back, I always felt her alcoholism affected my life most, more than any other thing I've been through, including sexual abuse.

I plan on finding the name of a good therapist on Monday and getting an appointment. Abandonment and the pain of her alcoholism, I had no idea how much it was affecting my relationships.

This has lifted such a weight off of my shoulders, knowing what was/is wrong. I'm not excusing the way I behaved, but it all makes sense now.

Thanks for sharing your story!

catfeeder

Yay for you! You've identified the place in your life to start, and you're clear about why this is important. Far from being some lame 'blame my parents' copout, this is how to relearn coping, social and problem-solving skills that we either distorted at a young age or were not taught.

Nobody had perfect parents, but some of us had parents that could not teach us how to relate to others in a healthy and loving way. So love is our Mount Everest that we want so badly to climb but lack the skills to do so. We know how to mimic what we believe are loving behaviors, but we never learned what trust is--only how to manipulate.

You're on your way, and I'm thrilled for you. I hope you'll feel free to share as you learn.

My best,

Cat

We broke up September 6. I blew up your phone and email because you broke up with me through email. After work, I drove to your house. Told you that you were going to look me in the eye and break up with me properly and give me gas money. I got there, you had my flat iron in a bag with $20 hanging from your door, and the door was locked. You came home and said you didn't like the way I acted Sunday, it reminded you of your ex and it's "Not the direction you want your life to go."

September 7 I texted and called, said I didn't understand. You didn't reply.

September 8 I drove there unannounced, you talked to me, then asked me to leave. I told you I wasn't leaving, bluffed and told you to call the cops. You did, so I left. I then told you through text I would work on myself, and my goal was your birthday (December 14). You said I'm crazy, and if I contact you again you would file harassment charges.

September 16 - I had the day off, too much time to think. I texted you that night "I miss my best friend" then pretended I texted on accident, and apologized. I then said I know you still love me, I guess that has to be enough.

October 5, I texted from my phone just saying hi, you ignored me. So I texted from my Google voice number, you said who is this, I admitted it was me and apologized for tricking you. I then texted relentlessly for 30 minutes, to which you ignored me. I then said please tell me if this is over forever, you said "Yes, please stop." Then I said no it isn't, that you love me.

October 7, I sent this email to you:

Hi,

I wanted to explain some things. Now that I understand what happened, I want you to understand.

On the drive home from the cookout Saturday, I was deep in thought about breaking up with you. I was quiet but you didn't notice because you were playing on your phone and then you fell asleep. Then I was a all day Sunday because I knew I had to break up with you. I said to you on Sunday or Monday “Will you hate me if we break up?” And then when I left you a voicemail on Wednesday when I was wigging out, I said “I’m sorry I was a on Sunday but I had something on my mind, but I can’t talk to you about it.” I suck at break ups. I wanted to leave Dave since Tyler was two, but in the end Dave asked for a divorce because he got tired of me not saying I loved him and telling him I wanted a divorce.

You made me so happy the first time we dated. You said you loved me first, and you always said what a wonderful person I was. When I got back from TN in July I didn't expect to see you and start back up as quickly as we did. You still weren't over Marsha. Our fight over her posting a pic of Pete on FB and tagging your sons told me that. But I wanted so badly to be with you again that I didn't listen to my instincts. But we got back together, and you were guarded and so different from the first time we dated. Also, about two weeks before we broke up you talked to Marsha about your divorce and she asked why you hated Pete, you told her because he came between you two reconciling. Everything just kept confirming what I knew in my heart, you weren't ready. I told you I was giving 110% to the relationship and you were only giving 70%. I truly feel that way. The first time we dated you said I brought you back to life, and I made you want to be a better man. You stopped making statements like that the second time we dated.

But I wanted you to be ready so badly, and to have you fall deeply in love with me so badly, that I ignored my instincts. By Monday I said to myself “What are you doing? He’s a great guy, he just needs more time.” And I had changed my mind about breaking up with you.

I don't regret anything. I loved having you in my life while you were in it. Everything in life is a lesson. Bill taught me that there are still good men out there and that I deserve a good man. You taught me that I need an emotional man, because Bill was completely unemotional. I know he cared about me because his actions showed he did, but as I said to you, actions speak louder than words, but the words are still nice. All the jerks I dated after Dave said they cared, but their actions showed otherwise.

I am very sorry for how I acted on many occasions, not just when we broke up, but all of the times I drove there unannounced, or the times I blew up your phone with calls, texts and emails. I'm truly disgusted by the way I acted. I obviously still have work to do, because if I was as confident as I thought I was, and loved myself like I thought I did, I wouldn't let my fear control my actions.

I know that even though you are the one that ended the relationship, this still hurts. I'm not trying to remind you of the pain. And I'm not begging for another chance. I'm going to bow out, but truly hope to hear from you at some point in the future, even as friends. I still think that if we both work on ourselves we can be amazing together, but I can't convince you of that, you have to feel it as well. I'm hoping with time you will. But I'm going to leave you alone and respect your wishes.

From the bottom of my heart I hope you realize how much happiness you deserve. You are an amazing person Erik with a great heart. Once you realize that, you can have the world.

Leigh

You didn't love me, or care enough about me, to discuss the issues you had with me. That should be all I need to know. The failure of our relationship isn't on me, it's on you. When you love someone, you don't just close the door, you discuss things. You were a coward. You didn't like discussing things. You didn't like conflict. If we had issues, you ignored me. You are a child. My mother said she wanted to send you a case of pampers because you are a baby. And she was right. You are a freaking baby.

I was your rebound, plain and simple. You were still in love with Marsha. And your self esteem was EXHAUSTING. I don't know how I put up with it.

I have an amazing future ahead of me. I wish I could say the same of you.

link removed

I need to read this link tomorrow!

Someone posted this in response to my post about having a hard time getting over E. It is an amazing response!

Accept that this is the way you feel for right now. You did your best in the relationship and you have to honor your feelings. You are worthy of love and completely deserve it. You are good enough. Do not tie your self worth into his actions because those are his actions. His actions are a reflection of him, not you. If you learn to separate you and him, it becomes a little more clear that you couldn't have done anything more or less to change his decision.

Here's the advice that I would give you that could apply to myself.

-There is no point in over analyzing how he feels. At the end of the day, he chose to leave and you are left to care for yourself. You don't need him, you never did. You are simply giving him power over your feelings because he was worth something to you and you are now experiencing a true loss. Getting through a true loss is not easy. It is not a measure of your love for him, it is a measure of your humanity. Take the focus off of him and put the focus back on you.

-He is not all rainbow and butterflies, he comes with a price and a hefty one. He is not the right person for you even though your heart will tell you otherwise. This is a period where you must love yourself before anyone else. Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. Accept that you may have a hope for reconciliation and that's okay.

I don't feel okay, you don't feel okay, but that's okay!

Choose to love yourself despite what's going on around you, falling in love takes no time, falling out of love takes time.