"I think we should have a trial separation"

So my wife went from "it's ok, we will get through this" to "I need some space", to "I want to have a trial separation", to separation with intent to divorce in the matter of a couple of days.

I don't know if she was planning on cushioning the blow or what - but it all seemed sudden and fast to me.

We had a great marriage - we were best friends, got along great, and have 2 beautiful children. But 3 years ago, I started working from home in my basement, with no sunlight. I have some rental properties that became major stress points (one of them was trashed, leading to serious cash flow problems for us, but she never touched the finances, so the burden was on me). My job, which I've been at for 18 years now, was threatened 2 years ago, and even today I'm not sure what it will look like going forward.

What I learned since my wife left is that I have been in a depression the last couple of years or so. My serotonin and dopamine levels have dropped, leading to me being sluggish, apathetic, a loss of self confidence - basically I was withering away. So in a way, her leaving has maybe saved me.

On the flip side, I always made about double what she made in salary. She always needed me. But around the same time (2 years ago), she got a new job where she tripled her salary - now, all of a sudden, she was making significantly more than me. And boy does she love that job. 80% of our conversation the last 2 years had been about her work (I know names of her customers, their kids, what they drive, etc...).

Anyway - I felt like I was losing her (probably because my self esteem was in the ter) and hers was going through the roof. I thought something might have been up with her, and arranged to spy on her, she found out, and says I broke her trust and she can never get that back, and here we are.

This happened July 13. She spent a few days away, we went to a counselor on July 18th. We spent the night in the same house. She said we could get past this. The next night she asked me to go up to bed with her, and after about a week, things seemed normal, and even better some days. We had family vacation at the end of August, but then 4 weeks ago, she drops the bomb on me that she is not happy and needs time. So I left for the weekend, came back on the Monday and she went to a friend's house for the week, and then the next Sunday decided this arrangement would no longer work and we needed to come up with something more permanent. Needless to say I was crushed. We talked, and I was a doormat - offered her whatever she wanted. She thought it would be best if she went to her parents' with the kids because she has a much better support network there. I agreed. She pulled our 5 year old out of kindergarten and moved to her parents' with our 2 boys.

I asked to go see counselors, she doesn't want to (we went once together and it helped tremendously, but for whatever reason she doesn't want to try that again). I asked her what the rules or plan was for this separation, and she didn't want to give me any. We both took our rings off (I took mine off because I asked her if she was going to be taking hers off and she said eventually - another crushing blow). So I took mine off that night, then when I saw her the next morning, she had taken hers off too

After a few days I suggested we keep them - just to give ourselves and our family a chance, but she declined.

So - now I'm into my 2nd week alone in the house. Weekdays aren't too bad, but weekends sorta suck. We did see each other Saturday and Sunday for our son's hockey game. She was nice, even touched me a couple of times. I just wanted to reach out and kiss her and start pleading and begging, but I know that's probably the worst thing I can do. I've thought about NC, but I don't know if that can work with the kids. I have been good at not talking about "us" though (not sure if that's a good thing or not). I just want to ask her stuff like "do you miss me" "is there still a chance to save our family, to save 'us'?" But I've managed to hold back. But I don't know how much longer I can do that - I feel like I can't just let it whither and die - but I know that as soon as I squeeze, whatever hope is left will just slip away. It sucks.

What I do want to do is inform her about my depression - something neither of us knew about until now. Looking back on it, it's crazy that we didn't, because I was totally not the same person as a few years ago. As I learn things I want to share them with her - is this a good idea?

Also - another woman found out about us separating and wants to hook up. Should I? She's very pretty, but not really anyone I could be with long term. Part of me things it might help me get over my wife, but the other part says that would also kill any hope. Or maybe, do it and and make sure she finds out - might shock her back to reality? I don't like to use my condition as an excuse - and honestly I might be making it up. But based on the questionnaires, I was/am definitely depressed. And I'm hoping to get bloodwork done this week for my dopamine levels. Should they come back showing I am deficient, should I share that with my wife to start a dialogue? Should I share nothing?

Sorry for the super long post - my first time writing about this anywhere, and it was a bit of a catharsis. Thanks for any replies or comments.

Usually when events turn from trying to lets separate that is a clear sign that they have met someone else.

You didn't offer her a trial marriage. Tell her its all in and work towards fixing it, or all out. But I am guessing based on your spying and insecure behavior, she is already out.

She appears to have been thinking about this for awhile: And it is suspect that the time apart and then back together is an attempt to stay connected in case the bottom fell out from the shagger she was/ is involved with. Take comfort love: she is the one who is the fool. If she was/ is having an affair: she is the one who has no respect for you!

As for the woman who wants to "hook up": NO! A thousand times NO! Have self respect!

Well, I asked her if there was someone else, and she was adamant there wasn't. I half believed her. But then a couple of weeks ago (the day I left I think), I asked her if she cheated on me, and she quietly said no. Then I said did you almost cheat on me? And she said "well - maybe. For the first time since we've been together, someone flirted with me and I entertained the thought - just to get back at you, but I realized that wouldn't solve the problem". She still says there is nobody else.

But when we first talked about separation, it was basically no way no how was she going to be seeing anyone else for months. But then 2 Fridays ago (the day she moved out), we met and I asked her if she was planning on dating anyone. She said "this is not about seeing someone else". I said so if someone asks you out, what are you going to say? She said no. I said what about in 2 weeks? "No". What about in 3 weeks? "I don't know - maybe"...

I don't have any proof of anything, and honestly, it's probably unhealthy for me to focus on it - it's really irrelevant at this point. I need to decide if I want to try to win her back (and the best way to do that), or not. And most importantly, I need to work on myself to get myself out of this depression (going to Doc tonight to hopefully get some tests scheduled to confirm my thoughts on my condition). This is very hard for me to say, because I've always been a very strong and confident man - but it's like a veil had been lifted from over my eyes and I can't believe I didn't notice, or that she didn't say anything sooner...

So sorry you are going through this!

First off you really need to get to a lawyer pronto- to set up financial parameters and to establish parenting time.

I would be very concerned about the emotional well being of your 5 year old. To pull him out of kindergarten like that is awful!

Secondly you need to watch over all of your accounts financially to make sure she doesn't clean you out.

As far as the other woman, don't go there! Keep your life exemplary and clean - for your kids' sake and to make your divorce cleaner. Your wife may be collecting evidence on you to justify a divorce.

Your wife had already decided that your marriage is done. She probably made that decision long ago without discussing it with you, sadly. It takes the commitment of both for a marriage to work, and while it is a shock - you really need to protect yourself and your children.

In the meantime, it is time for you to start making positive changes in your life. Start taking vitamin D3 every day. Get your business out of the basement. Exercise outside in natural sunlight for at least 20 minutes every day.

Take charge of the rental situation. Clear out the clutter, clean it up, and fix it up with new paint. Follow your landlord tenant laws and store anything you need to store for the tenants for the proper amount of time.

If you re rent the house them make sure you get a better caliber of tenant. Higher deposits help- because the tenant has more at stake and if they have the means to get the deposit together then their life is a little more organized.

Also, when they put in an application then you can swing by to see where they are living now- if it is a rental house then see how they taking care of the yard. If you can get a peek at the inside of their car that may also tell you what kind of tenant they would be.

Keep in mind that at some point either your wife or kids may be living in that rental house soon.

That's what happened in my divorce - my ex moved into our rental. Which meant a loss of income for that house. But it was helpful when we split up financially because we did not have to sell the home when splitting up the finances - he got one house and I got the other.

You may wish to consider going for shared custody of your boys. My ex and I share our boys every other week, every other holiday, and with the respective parent on Father's Day and Mothers Day, with you on your own birthday, and with alternation of year and parent on their own birthday.

My ex does not pay child support but we retain one joint account into which we each pay a monthly amount for child expenses like clothing, summer camp, sports equipment, medical and dental expenses, etc.

Since we share parenting time equally then we each pay our own food bills and have equal clothing at each house. This takes a tremendous amount of cooperation and trust, but in the long run it has been better for our children.

Make sure you remain fully and legally in the loop as far as school conferences and records, medical visits and information, etc. Be there for it all!

Since your ex will not go to marriage counseling you should find a counselor to help you get through this and the depression.

Also, look for a family counselor to help guide you through the divorce in the least damaging way for your children.

Even though you are in depression, I hope you are able to gather strength to really advocate for your children and for yourself!

You are going to get through this- it will take time but just take it one day at a time.

And remember- put your children's well being first so don't do anything crazy during or after your divorce. You want your kids to look back years later to think with pride on how you handled this situation with grace.

Also I am editing this to add one more thing- we just sent our oldest son to college. The divorce and some medical expenses wiped out our savings, so it is a real struggle to pay for his college.

When you go through your financial division make sure you build in a mandatory college account for each of your kids, and require both of you to contribute to it. It may be difficult financially right now, but you will be in a much better position when your kids go to college!

You first have to decide if you want to be married to her. Yes or No.

You first have to decide if you want to be married to her. Yes or No.

I do - with all my heart. We have been the model couple. Things were great - or so we thought I guess. Right now I miss her so much it hurts (although today has been pretty good) - it comes and goes. But yeah, given the choice, I'd want her and the kids back here in a heartbeat.

I know better than to make promises of changing and whatever else. And I don't want to blame everything on what I believe is depression - maybe I'm looking for a scapegoat for my lethargy and outlook the last couple of years. But I feel I need to keep her informed of any discoveries or revelations I make in that regards, cause honestly, neither of us knew. I told her last week that the psychologist says I've been in a depression - don't know if that helps in her eyes or not. Does it matter? I know I need to get better, but I also want her to know I am getting better - but words are cheap, so I need to show it. And worst case, if it doesn't work out between us, at least I'll be on the road to a recovery soon (hopefully). Just now having an awareness of my condition (and what caused it) is a huge step I believe.

Marriages can be saved… I saved mine.

You say you want to stay married to your wife. Good, that must always be your unwavering goal. You may fail but at least it won’t be of your desire or doing.

Next, you must be coached by non-fatalistic people.

This takes time! You can’t waste time when trying to save a marriage. Time is you enemy and it’s already late… very late. Sorry.

You must be in it for the long haul; To fully save a marriage takes years.

You must purchase Gary Smalley’s “If only he knew” and James Dobson’s “Love must be Tough” (She can never see these books.) Read Smalley first. (I read a dozen "marriage" books but it's these two that helped me save my marriage.)

Helpful hints:

- Never talk to her about your depression again! It is weakness which is driving her away from you. She must see change...not hear change!

- Avoid all other women!

Questions:

- Could you say you were compatible from the start?

- What were her complaints about you in 2012 and 2011?

- When did she stop complaining about you?

PS, You must brace yourself for heartache. Get the books today!

Thanks for the reply - already bought Love Must Be Tough. Halfway through it. Will look at the other book you suggest.

And we were very compatible from the start - and there were never any complaints from either of us. I did something bad (don't want to get into details - I know they help, but let's just say it's as bad as having cheated on her)

As for not discussing the depression - I understand the reason, however in my case, I feel that if I can show/prove that there was really something wrong with me, it may have contributed to my actions - because I have done things very out of character for me the last couple of years. Right now I think she sees it like me grasping at straws. She kept asking me "why?", but I had no idea. And now, I think I might.

I thought something might have been up with her, and arranged to spy on her, she found out, and says I broke her trust

How did you spy on her?

You said, "but let's just say it's as bad as having cheated on her)"

- Murder aside, I can’t think of anything that would be worse than cheating.

Therefore, I need to know.

Help hints:

- Your opinion of yourself only serves you. Trust me when I say, she doesn’t feel sorry for you and your talk about depression is just, (most likely), more of the same to her.

- The only value of your telling her would come after she sees real change, starts coming back to you and discovers you were secretly working on your issues. Even then, talking about it would be considered weakness. She needs/wants a husband not another kid.

I did something bad (don't want to get into details - I know they help, but let's just say it's as bad as having cheated on her)

"As bad" according to you, or according to her? This is a judgment call, obviously. Me, I'm one of the very rare women who doesn't particularly care about sexual fidelity (and my xH never cheated on me that I know of). But he was abusive--which to me is 1000 times worse--and consequently was one of my dealbreakers that led me to file for divorce, whereas infidelity would not have been. So it all depends on your perspective.

I will just add that her making significantly more money than you puts you at a severe disadvantage.

Good luck.

Welcome to ENA.

First off she is at least talking to someone about a future together and it isn't you, at worst she has cheated physically. No matter the reason she is in fantasy mode and is not who you used to know. The whole slow motion break up was for her not you. She was just testing the waters and when she got used to it she went in deeper and deeper until your children are living somewhere else.

You need to get a legal separation right away to protect your custody rights. Please seek legal advice right away so you don't loose more rights. She is gone and yes you may be able to work this out but you must plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Stop doing things that will not help the situation. It may feel good in the short term but long term it will ruin things. Take the high road always.

Go to: link removed and do some reading.

Keep posting

Lost

Two things:

1. Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships (excellent book that may give you some real insight into what happened); and

2. link removed - best relationship website ever. Go about 1/3 down the page and start reading "What to do when she/he leaves you" and continue from there.

Good luck!