A Life of Suffering

My name is Andrew and I am 19 years old.

Before you judge me, read my entire story and put yourself in my shoes.

I am here after posting a journal almost everyday for 4 years, and now I am at odds with the website because I have not received any support lately.

Here is my story:

My entire life I feel like I have been beat down by people. When I was a child, I was abused by both of my parents who blamed all of their problems on me and treated me like garbage.

My father would beat me everyday almost for fun like it was a game. He was the root of all evil in my life. Everything that he had failed at in his life was my fault, even things that happened before I was born. I am convinced to this day he had some sort of mental illness. He would always emotionally manipulate me with fear, threats, and violence. There was one point where he wanted to kill me. That is how he got his power.

My mother never did anything to help me from him and would always ignore me. The only way she showed affection for me was buying things for me, which I never wanted, I only wanted her to love me. She always worked because my father never had a job. She was never there to protect me from him and when she was, she never listened to me. Eventually, she became more violent towards me as she began to emotionally deteriorate because of him.

At school from kindergarten to twelfth grade, I was always ridiculed and had few, if any, friends. Sometimes the teachers would join in too. No one ever helped me. No one ever cared. Nobody asked me what was going on at home to help me. Everyday when I was I child I would always think, "When is this going to end?" I never did anything to deserve this treatment.

With all of this stress, it eventually boiled over when I was 15 years old when I nearly had a mental breakdown. To deal with this stress, I usually looked at naked women on the internet to relieve my stress. It has been like this for the last four years. I don't have any other reliable stress outlets. If I don't relieve my stress, my thought process slows down and I can barely function. Yes, my stress has become that severe at times.

When I was 16 years old, I turned in both of my parents into CPS. They were both arrested, but they eventually got out as there was no evidence to prove what they did to me. I spent the last days of my childhood in a Youth Shelter and various foster homes as an older child who was not wanted. I eventually met my adoptive parents who I am convinced are one of the few people on this planet who actually cares about me.

When I turned 18, I joined the United States Air Force to get away from my old life. Overall, things have been going well, but the same trends keep reappearing in my life from the past. I can't stop looking at naked women on the internet. I don't have hardly anyone to hang out with outside of work. Worse of all, people were so mean to me, that I became a mean person who only goes to the gym because everyone wants to fight him.

Why did I come here? I came here because I need some advice to help me clear my mind. I am willing to let it all go. Just help me.

My mind is my greatest tormentor. I can never get peace because my trends from the past keep haunting me.

I know this is easier said than done but...

Pretend your post isn't your post.

Read it from a distanced perspective, and see if anything strikes you.

When I turned 18, I joined the United States Air Force to get away from my old life. Overall, things have been going well, but the same trends keep reappearing in my life from the past. I can't stop looking at naked women on the internet. I don't have hardly anyone to hang out with outside of work. Worse of all, people were so mean to me, that I became a mean person who only goes to the gym because everyone wants to fight him.

You made a life for yourself. Unfortunately, your head wasn't ready to stop bringing pieces of your old life with you. It's still there. Your parents, your experience in foster - baggage you're still allowing, to an extent, to control your life.

I know. You want 'em gone. Outta here. And it's never easy or fast.

Start by simple rephrasing, even in your head, the way you put things - because you can create your own pitfalls as well as engineer your way out of them.

Avoid things like "can't" and instead, put "haven't yet been able to." It's a small difference - but one offers potential, the other, despair and lack of hope.

Make small goals instead of huge ones lifewise. Set yourself up for success. "I will talk to three strangers today" is easier than "I will make new friends and join new clubs and control my feelings about being sociable!" Big, grand goals are usually doomed to fail unless they're broken into manageable pieces.

And it's no secret that failure makes you feel like crap. Well, you already know how to feel like crap, I'm sure.

So break up things you'd like to change into small, manageable pieces that you can see positive movement on without expecting yourself to be superman.

Take the time to do good things for yourself and reward yourself for successes.

Learn to really appreciate yourself and treat yourself at least as well as you would a friend.

Our parents don't always make the best decisions. Trust me I know. You weren't nurtured like you should've been and the one thing parents should do is create a healthy, secure and loving environment but they failed you in this respect.

In saying that a) parents aren't perfect and make mistakes like everyone else and b) you're not them and can take this as an opportunity to learn from the mistakes they made with you.

I did that. I decided that all the things that my parents did that were wrong would be things I'd using as learning tools. We can't totally escape our upbringing but I've been successful to a large degree nonetheless.

The fact you fall back into the habit of looking at naked ladies online is something you can overcome. You used it as a happy crutch to escape your dysfunctional life but it's a habit and like all habits it can be broken.

Have you thought about picking up an interest or hobby that makes you happy? If you find that then you'll be less inclined to do something that shames you.

You're young. Go out. Meet people. Hang out with workmates. Make friends. Enjoy your youth. Find something you can be passionate about.

Hey Andrew I'm sorry that so many people have been so horrible to you but none of it was your fault which probably makes it worse. As terribly cliched this is- perhaps seek counselling? It would help you work through what happened in your past and make you feel better about yourself. Often people who have experienced abuse unconsciously isolate themselves as a defence mechanism. From what I've read- the way in which you write- you seem like you'd be a really lovely person but bad things do happen to good people to make them not seem so good. If you ever need anyone to talk to I'd be happy to ^.^ sometimes just talking can help so much

Greetings Andrew,

Your past is an extremely painful story, and a hard thing to live with. However, you owe it to yourself to fix a few things, things that were caused by others – namely your parents, and build some happiness and contentment for yourself.

This is going to take some work.

While many people recommend counseling, I don’t. I have had too many problems with bad counselors to raise the “go get counseling” flag. So I am going to steer you in the direction I went many years ago with “personal reforms.” A saying I live by goes “fix the within and you fix the without.” This means, when a person takes care of fixing the inner problems, the outer environment re calibrates accordingly. It’s easier to show you than tell you, but since we’re here, telling is the best I can do.

It all starts with a self-evaluation, surveying the areas you are having problems in, both socially and inwardly. Inward simply means, do you have any shame you are carrying? Being bullied in life has me thinking the answer is yes. Shame in adulthood is damaging, causes you to second guess yourself, your worth, and your word. Shame must be faced, and you must dismiss it by telling yourself it wasn’t YOUR fault you were bullied. Working out like you’re doing, that’s something I would have suggested because it’s something I started doing 35 years ago, and continue to this day. It’s a constructive tool, outlet, and resource…and I could spend time and keystrokes getting into the domino effects and benefits, but that’s for another time. Keep doing it.

Next, I recommend you read the book “the gentle art of verbal self defense” by suzette hayden elgin. This was the resource I needed to construct an emotional defense grid. I used the information to teach myself how to communicate, especially in situations where I was being verbally attacked, abused, or confronted and my lack of confidence got in my way of navigating to conflict-resolution. Like a robot, I mindfully to the best of my ability, made myself change how I handled tense social situations…after a period of time, I got better at it and it was no longer a forced set of communications. It became me, and as I succeeded, my confidence increased.

Shame also caused me to lie, to cover for myself and my mistakes. I didn’t want to add to the shame by admitting I was wrong or incompetent. This actually, was the first change I made in personal reform. Telling the truth no matter what. “When you make a mistake and you realize it, fix it fast. No need to tell anyone, what they don’t know won’t hurt them. However, don’t lie about the mistake if confronted, tell the truth and share what you did or are in the process of doing to fix it.” Lying about it and covering it up, that was the old me, the new me was the latter….and as my confidence increased, my mistakes decreased, raising my self confidence, esteem, and my credibility among others.

Will + Personal Faith + Purpose = Success – this is the formulae I used for success. I can come back to this too. My post here is to share with you from someone who has had a painful past, like yourself. Although I am going to admit, yours was somewhat worse than mine. Unsupportive abusive parents, and a peer culture that bullied and made things worse for me caused me to grow up angry. The above is a short version of what I did for damage control.

In terms of advice is to deal with your thought process. Have you ever considered Cognitive Behvaioural Theraphy. Unlike going to a counsellor where you would talk about your problems. CBT looks at why u use the various outlets to deal with your problems and try and break your patterns etc. you should def look into it.

Hi Andrew, our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are deeply interconnected. Our automatic thoughts and interpretations of events are guided by the schemas, or lenses, through which we see the world A schema is molded from our lived experiences and mobilized when we see an event that triggers the memory of a previous experience or our past.

Some schemas are helpful: we once ate a food we had an allergic reaction, now when we see that food, a little signal goes off in our brains that says, “Stay away!”

Other schemas, however, are based on faulty beliefs that have never been challenged, and cloud what would otherwise be a beautiful view of the world. Like , not being able to trust another human being due to your past experiences of being betrayed by the people you love etc..

It's not always easy to be positive, especially when our emotions are telling us to be something else. In fact, our responses to many uncomfortable situations are guided by automatic thoughts — it isn't always the case that we choose to think in a way that brings us discomfort, but sometimes we do so instinctively.

The greatest battle one has to engage in , is not a fight with another person, but it's the battle from within/ inside him.

Sure, there will always be circumstances beyond our control but the way how we react or treat those circumstances is what matters the most.

You are your own HERO, there's no one else outside of you that can save you from the bottomless pit you are in except yourself.

Other people can only do so much. The sufferings, the pain and even the benefits and the happiness --- is for you alone to feel and reap.

One fact that you have to always keep telling yourself is that "You're stronger than your problems, Everything will be better , you're greater than your emotions!"

Negative thoughts/thinking happens — we're only human. However, grasping onto our interpretations of situations can result in dysfunction. Here are some of the simple ways that I do to prevent negative thoughts from sabotaging my life and that hopefully will help you too:

1. Being simply grateful -- for even the little things such as being able to wake up to a new day and have that chance to start another part of my life, being healthy and free from any serious illness,

thankful for being stronger in facing my life's challenges etc..

2. Full Acceptance of What is / Present moment : We can't control everything. Give just one more obsessive moment to those situations and moments you can't control, and then vow to let them be and

let them go. Accepting my mistakes, my faults and my faults and releasing anger, blame , hatred and forgiving myself and others .

3. Thinking happy and positive thoughts -- I've always try to see the other side of the coin . For every event that transpired in our life, there's always 2 sides in it , it's

just a matter of how we will look at it , take for example the wrong decisions of your parents , you can either focus on that or think about the

lesson it brings you so as not for you to commit the same mistake again and be not the

same person they were that will only inspire you to be more of a better version of yourself

4. Healthy Lifestyle like 8 hrs of sleep a day, spend sometime with nature like brisk walking in the morning , doing yoga, meditation, eat healthy etc.

5. Release the negative emotions by releasing the blame and finding faults and forgiving people who have hurt me or caused me pain. It is not because they are right but

simply because I am freeing myself from the negative emotions that keeps on tying me down and preventing me from moving forward

6. Love myself more -- by doing things that make me happy. Being with people that inspire me. Take some alone time to meditate . Daydream about my future and my goals

in life

7. Help someone the good feeling it brings you is incomparable .. i have this goal to at least help at least 1 person a day in my own simplest ways even in as little as just

making someone smile or feel good , offering of what little I can, joined in charities ..etc

Hopefully you try to do some of those things ... and praying you'll feel better soon... take care

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us." - Marianne Williamson

I TOO HAD A LIFE OF SUFFERING

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My dad would get violent with me and even my grandparents sexually abused my mom i cant stress how important it is to develope a consistant MEDITATION practice. It helped me deal with emotions like tears of rage. It helped me tame my mind as to not be tormented. Twenty minute intervals three times a day can transform your temperment. I start with only ten min but it has to be consistant. Single pointed zen meditation has the mysterious power to do this. Working in other areas of life requires effort but try the meditation. Please. I beg you. Consider even practicing with a zen teacher.... i dont do this but ive heard it transforms lives.+++++

I know you might not agree, but considering what you've been through, I think you are doing quite well. Yes, there are some issues, the biggest being that you are unhappy. But you are young, and self-aware, and want good things for yourself. That's a huge first step.

I also think it's wonderful that you got great adoptive parents. It might help to remember that there was eventually people who cared. That means there's a good chance that there's others out there. Maybe down the road you could consider becoming a big brother or foster parent to help someone like you.

But right now, getting some therapy might really help. As would trying any of the suggestions here (self-help, meditation, etc.).