Is it possible for people NOT to be turned off by too much contact/interest?

So the strangest thing has been happening lately. I'm not going to go into the details of our story, but I've basically been friends with this guy for the past 1.5 years. Right after we reconnected, I moved to a different country so we've been talking/keeping in touch but are living in different places. I'm from the country he is living and he is from the country I'm living, so every time we visited home, we put an effort to hangout. I was in a relationship for a while so it was completely platonic for the first few months.

In the end of this Summer (as my relationship fizzled out), I realized that I had developed very strong feelings for this guy. We were both in NYC in the end of August (his hometown) and he took me out on what was clearly our first "official date" as I was no longer attached to someone else. Date went as perfect as it could be, since we had developed a pretty nice friendship so it wasn't a first, first date. We had the best time together. He walked me to get a cab when the date was over and kissed me. We made out for a few minutes on a bus stop, it was raining, it was amazing. Then I travelled to Europe in vacations with friends and we both went back to our lives in different countries.

This guy is incredibly shy, hasn't dated anyone in about 4 years. He's 25 and I'm 26. In the past year, we would talk once a week at best, via e-mail. He told me he was going to try to be a lot better with communication this time around. For the first few days of my trip, we didn't talk at all. But, once I contacted him, he was a different person. Replying to me and engaging on conversations 10x day. This is a guy who really did not use his phone for communication at all. Still, he was reluctant to contact me if I didn't contact him. However, as soon as I'd say Hi, he'd engage in conversation and seem genuinely happy to hear from me.

Now in my years of experience with dating, this seems pretty one-sided considering throughout this whole 1.5 years, I've basically initiated all forms of communication. In the beginning since I saw him as a friend, it did not seem like a problem but I started to worry once I realized that I really like him. I know from experience that a guy has to contact you and miss you and not have you available 24/7 in order for a relationship to work. I have always been very available to him, very nurturing, very caring. In my experience, this would have been the "death" of our chances, considering how this type of dynamics usually work.

However, I am seeing a complete opposite pattern with this guy. The more I talk to him, the more I show him I care, the most he seems to open up to me. He's like a different person. He used to be so shy and awkward when talking to me and now he's really a lot more comfortable and seems to care about my life and me so much more than when I was trying the "push/pull" dynamic.

What is going on here? Might it be that with certain people, like this guy, being completely honest with your feelings and urges can be a good thing? This is a very mature 25 year old who seems to not be interested in the whole partying/playing games scene at all.

I know he had a bad break-up during his first few years of college and hasn't dated since so might it be that he put walls up and slowly I'm taking them down by being there for him, supporting him, showing affection and care?

He has been recruiting for a new job for the past month and I'm in my last year of grad school so recruiting as well. We've been supporting each other through this process and in the beginning he would rarely open up to me about it. But today he messaged me early in the morning and told me I was the first person he was telling the news: he is probably getting the job he wanted the most and moving to NY in the next month or so. I live fairly close to NY. This means we might be in the came country and in closer proximity to each other soon. I've been very happy the whole day.

However, I keep asking myself if I'm just not being honest with the signs. He really does not seem as interested as me in the way he talks. For example, I say "I miss you" and other cute things and I always think it will scare him off. It does not scare him off though. But, he doesn't really say these cute things. He does in his more cold way. I know we are very different people, I'm super open and outgoing and he's very closed off and shy but is that just excuses?

Do you guys think that this dynamic where you actually give the other person a lot of attention and care can end up working? I'm skeptic but I really feel like he has been so much more open lately. You know when someone is pulling away and it feels like the more we talk, the more caring I act, the more he seems to open up and become closer.

So, how many in person dates have you had?

I would caution you not to build this into more than it is due to all the online contact. Right now you are just talking.

So, how many in person dates have you had?

 

I would caution you not to build this into more than it is due to all the online contact. Right now you are just talking.

Yes, I have to do that. We already went to at least 20+ dates. He took his brother to my hometown one time, met my family and sister, bonded. In my opinion, there has always been an attraction and connection from both sides but I was dating someone else. So it wasn't dates but we were spending one-on-one time together. He still always paid but never tried to make any kind of move. I've been single for 2-3 months and we were only on the same city once. We went on 1 date and that's when we kissed.

This is the deal with this guy - I know him. He does NOT online chats with girls just to chat with girls. He just doesn't. He's that type of guy that has zero wall posts on his facebook or comments from girls. He's just very much on his own world. He's very smart and ambitious and his focus really is his career for now. I know that for him to be talking to a girl in the quantity he has been talking to me means something to him, you know? It's hard to explain if you don't know one of these guys but he's just very "on his own". For him to be sharing his life with someone on a daily basis like he has been with me is very... different, to say the least.

I know that you are 100% right in your assessment but I also just wanted to give you this little snippet.

BTW - We talk about seeing each other all the time. He wants to come visit me as soon as he gets his job and has some time off. He has never in our entire 1.5 years of knowing each other said something he didn't mean. When he was busy to hangout, he said he was busy. When he said he would make time to hangout, he made time to hangout. He's always been 100% reliable. Which makes me really believe he wants to come visit when he said so. I even said: "Come on, I doubt you'll have that attitude to get on a plane and come visit me. You are not the impulsive type." to which he replied with: "You don't know that side of me yet. I really want to go visit you before it starts freezing". I just know that it's impossible right now because it's impossible for me to travel during recruiting and interviews so I know for a fact it's impossible for him as well. His final talk with this hedge fund is on Monday so I think everything will be more defined in the next few weeks. If he comes visit me before starting his new job I guess that's my answer? And if he doesn't, then that's that too, right?

It's just so complicated because I have a job interview tomorrow (to start fall 2014) and it's in a different country to the job he is probably accepting. It's tough because we don't really have anything right now, we are just friends, and there is so much uncertainty that it's probably hard for him to think about us in a relationship. For me it's easy because I'm a girl and girls are romantic. But guys are more rational than we are.

Hi justagirl,

Do you mean he responds to social cues differently? Just trying to get the measure of the situation. Do you think he might be an aspie? There-fore he would appreciate bold and clear gestures, rather than subtle cues.

Have you had a little chat about your relationship and how he sees it. What's his feedback?

Deci

Hi justagirl,

 

Do you mean he responds to social cues differently? Just trying to get the measure of the situation. Do you think he might be an aspie? There-fore he would appreciate bold and clear gestures, rather than subtle cues.

 

Have you had a little chat about your relationship and how he sees it. What's his feedback?

 

Deci

Oh no, he's not an Aspie. He's neurotypical. Not to say an Aspie can't accomplish any of this, but this guy went to Harvard, works at a hedge fund and has completely normal interactions with friends, co-workers, family. He's very attractive too. That's what really intrigues me about him. He could be a player and date a million girls but he just doesn't seem to enjoy that type of life.

He's just... shy around girls. All my friends have noticed this. Actually one of my really good friends from grad school is a close family friend and they were at the Hamptons this summer and she was with his sister. A girl on the group asked his sister if he was gay because "he hasn't dated anyone in ages". The sister was very protective and said: "He's not, he's just shy".

I think about asking him all the time, but I feel like this is much more of a "live" conversation, face-to-face, as opposed to a text chat.

Hi justagirl,

A very wise lady once said;

Who cares if he's currently emotionally unavailable and the problem is not me? He still won't give me what I want so at this point why keep hitting my head on a wall? He knows how to contact me so if he decides he likes me, he better show it. I'm tired of making excuses for people because they are shy, emotionally unavailable or passive.

I honestly think you know the answer to the questions you are asking, but the fact is, you have fallen in love with him. You're hoping that he might warm up too, but sweetie, THIS IS NOT A LOVE MATCH.

When you are crazy about some-one you contact them all the time because you can't wait to hear their voice. You make yourself available, because they are on your mind all the time. You make it clear to them that it's a love match because you can't bear the thought of losing them to some-one else. And yet, you wait and wait and hope and wait.

Honey, you know all this. This man isn't emotionally available to you. He hasn't been from the start. How long can you go on hoping that the spark might ignite in him. This must be crucifying for you. He gave you a passionate kiss, then moved on with his life. If some-one truly, truly cared you simply couldn't do that.

When you contact him, he enjoys the chat, but this not a man in love. If he was, this relationship would have progressed by now. This isn't down to shyness. He just isn't into you.

His actions are so passive. I know you really want to be with this guy, but it is time to learn the truth. You need to know the truth. Because the longer this goes on, the deeper you get into it, whilst he remains at an emotionally safe distance.

Some-times we lose in love and it really, really hurts. But the sun does eventually come out again and allows us to connect with some-one who sees us as precious and really wants to be with us.

Deci

Deci - this was a really good post. Not what I wanted to hear, but I think you are correct.

My only question here is:

We currently live in different countries - a 10 hour plane ride.

Do you think this changes the scenario or not all? So the verdict is I should stop contacting him? What if he initiates? Does that change anything? Thanks for putting my feet back on the ground.

Deci - this was a really good post. Not what I wanted to hear, but I think you are correct.

My only question here is:

 

We currently live in different countries - a 10 hour plane ride.

 

Do you think this changes the scenario or not all? So the verdict is I should stop contacting him? What if he initiates? Does that change anything? Thanks for putting my feet back on the ground.

Hello Justagirl,

Yes I think the verdict is, it's time to go No Contact - and all it entails. Give yourself some room to recover and get your feet back on the ground, as you rightly said. I know you had high hopes for this guy after that kiss (who wouldn't) so it requires a period of adjustment. It really stings when a crush doesn't work out and you need a clean break for now.

To the second question, if he contacts you, - I think the trick is not to get back into game-playing. You know, that place where you act friendly but still don't know where things stand. I'd have a chat, but at some point ask him gently and honestly, "Look we had a kiss, I don't know what happened after that."

You have to be honest at this point. If there is no honesty and no clarification, you will only have your hopes raised and find yourself right back to the beginning. And this will mean you deny yourself the opportunity to heal and move on. It's reasonable to ask where things stand if he contacts you.

You can't act as his confidant and platonic friend right now. You've waited up to now for him to clarify the situation and he hasn't. He's merely ignored the elephant in the room. So if he gets back in touch with you, then it has to be an honest and truthful exchange from here on in, because it will be too painful to merely go back to the way things were.

I do wish you all the best

Deci

I may not be the best person to give advice on this because I go out of my way to avoid shy guys, I simply can't handle them. Or I may be the best one because the reason I do it is because I was 'burned' by a shy guy once, when I was in college.

He was a year younger than me, just like your guy. I was 23 and he was 22. Very attractive, solid, good student but very, very shy..he never dated even though he had lots of girls after him. We became so close that everyone thought we were dating. Slowly he opened up to me so much that I let myself believe that he was really into me. One night he was walking me home after we had been to the cinema and we kissed outside my door. Very romantic and passionate and all that.

However, the next day he treated me as always...like friends. I convinced myself that it was because of his shyness and waited. A month later he still hadn't made a move and...get this..when I finally gathered my courage and told him I'm in love with him (and I was SO SURE that he would say 'me, too') he said he only saw me as a friend He actually started dating another girl not long after that convo...and it wasn't even someone he was close with. He just met her at a party, asked her out and they started dating.

I had my heart broken badly and decided there and then: no more 'shy' guys for me. If someone doesn't show me/tell me they're interested in me, I never wait around any more. I take it to mean they're just not interested enough and I move on.

I don't know if it's the same with your guy or if the fact you live in different countries changes anything but I had to write this because your story (especially the part when he said you're the first person he's telling the job news and the kiss part) reminded me so very much of that boy.

Please, be careful and don't waste your time on guys who won't or can't give you what you deserve. Keep him as a friend if you want but stop investing in him emotionally. I know it's hard to do but you have to protect your heart.

You definitely do seem way more interested in him than vice versa at the moment since you guys are still just friends after a kiss. I would indeed ask him where you stand.

You guys are awesome. Thanks for the advices.

We always, always think we are the "exception" in this scenario but more often than not we are not.

I'm so attached to him and like him so much that it's hard to not have hopes. But, before he is more clear about what he wants, I need to put my feet on the ground.

There's a guy at my grad school that seems very interested in me and I feel like I haven't given him a shot because I'm so hung up on this guy.

The funny part is, shy guy knows about him and acted a little jealous about it. Alas, a little jealous means little.

Tough situation because at this point, I'm so attached to this guy. What would you all say he has to do in order for us to start believing he might like me too?

We always text when we wake-up and he was the last person to say good night yesterday so I was supposed to text him this morning but won't.

I have a very important job interview today and can bet that since I didn't text him good morning, I won't here from him for the rest of the day and until I write to him again.

My classmate invited me to see Captain Phillips today and I think I'm going to go! Time to start living.

Well, it's end of the afternoon and he still haven't even bothered to ask how my interview went. Not surprised.

More and more I come to the realization that you guys were right and it's sad but it's reality. NC is tough, but needs to be implemented. I know the first 3 days are the worst and then it gets better.

The classmate, on the other hand, texted me to ask how the interview went. Not hard to figure out when someone is into it, is it?

Not hard to figure out when someone is into it, is it?

Write that on a piece of paper and stick it to your fridge

Write that on a piece of paper and stick it to your fridge

Hahaha. Easier said than done.

I really care about this guy a lot it's really hard to let it go.

Also - my classmate is the opposite as this guy. He dates a lot, he's a lot more needy, a lot more open and outgoing and just... Emotionally available. He's also very very sexy, more of a man.

Which seems great if it wasn't for the fact that I tend to like the shy, awkward, scrawny boys who don't seem as interested in relationships.

Well, situation is getting very bad. I mean, after realizing that he really doesn't care about me, I just can't treat him normally anymore. I've been very resentful. We normally do talk about everything but I just told him about my classmate... I mean how ridiculous? What am I, in High School? Trying to make someone who doesn't care about you jealous has to be one of the most pathetic things of all. Should I stick that to my freezer too?

I need to stop talking to him because at this point I'm just making a fool of myself. We are not friends since it's clear that I have strong feelings for him, so why am I trying to treat him as a close buddy? He's not.

You need to stop talking to him, indeed. This isn't good for you.

You need to stop talking to him, indeed. This isn't good for you.

I know that. At least it's a start. I'm a very positive person which makes it harder to let go. But, I keep telling myself that even if he does like me, do I really want a guy who is so passive and can't man up?

But this alternates with, I probably sabotaged this by being too clingy after we had a great date, why did I sabotage this? Is it possible that I'm to blame here?

It's driving me a little crazy. haha. But, I'm trying to keep a sense of humor and remain happy. I have so many good things to look forward in my life.

Nah, you're not to blame. He hasn't dated anyone in 4 years. There's a reason for that and it has nothing to do with you.

Ugh I guess. He keeps texting me it's like, what do I do. It's hard to not reply to him. It takes a lot from me.

And then I make crazy things in my mind like, ok, if I don't reply to him this time, I cannot complain when he doesn't contact me in a few days because he probably thinks I didn't reply. It's such a rollercoaster.

Why do you think it's such an important piece of information that he hasn't dated anyone in 4-5 years?

Between ages 21-24 I was single just because I didn't really meet anyone worthy of starting a relationship with. That was 3 years.

It's not important on its own but have you ever talked about the reasons? In your case, you didn't meet anyone worthy. Understandable. Has he told you what happened in his case?

It's not important on its own but have you ever talked about the reasons? In your case, you didn't meet anyone worthy. Understandable. Has he told you what happened in his case?

He hasn't but I can imply what happened. Right after college he started working as an Investment Banker in NYC. Being an analyst right after college is just... nuts. He was on call 24 hours a day, had no life. He was in the Mergers and Acquisitions group which is literally the worse group you can be. They are worked like crazy. He really didn't have time.

Then he was going to leave the bank after his second year because he could not take it anymore but they really wanted to retain him so they gave him the opportunity to move to another country (my country). So he moved to my country about 1.5 years ago but still to work in banking. Between it being a completely different culture for him and still a very demanding job, it makes sense that he hasn't really gotten around to dating you know?

I do think it kind of makes sense. Am I making excuses for him?

I think the reason could be deeper than just being too busy at work. Doctors are very busy but they don't stop dating and falling in love..lol

I think the reason could be deeper than just being too busy at work. Doctors are very busy but they don't stop dating and falling in love..lol

But he did have a serious girlfriend in HS and college. His brother told me she was a really bad person and manipulative so I'm thinking that's where his issues are coming from.

I do think he's a young guy from NYC... He's 25, just a kid you know? I feel like a lot of guys in big cities are very focused on themselves/their careers.