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Thread: My husband is obsessed w/other woman, but I can't bring myself to get a divorce!

  1. #1
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    My husband is obsessed w/other woman, but I can't bring myself to get a divorce!

    I need help! I have been married for 4.5 years and we have two children, a 2 year old boy and a 3 month old girl. My husband has had a history of cheating on me and I have no trust in him, but for some reason I never go through with getting a divorce, even though I know it's what's best. Here's the story: When I was pregnant with our son was when I first found sexual text messages on his phone (summer of 2011). He had been texting a girl the night before asking what a sexy girl like her does for fun, asking if she likes watching porn, etc. He said it was a girl from work (he's a general contractor) and that they've never hung out & that it was the first time they've spoken. There was also a different girl that he had met at work that he would always go running with and sometimes wouldn't even come home until 1 or so in the morning! He made me feel like I was crazy for not letting him have any friends that were girls and we always argued about it. I first found out about her when I saw text message conversations and he would totally flirt and say things like "anything for you". I thought all this would stop after we had our son. I was wrong! Soon after we had him, I kept finding more text messages, one time someone had even sent him a picture of herself topless. He claimed he didn't know who she was or why she sent it to him.

    Things were going somewhat well a little after that, but than he had to go to AT (training for National Guard) for 5 months (summer of 2012). Soon after he left, my phone stopped working so i had to use his old one. I looked up the internet history on his phone and saw that he had looked up TONS of escorts in our city! They advertised for massages.. I looked up our cellphone history and saw that he had contacted tons of them via text and phone calls. I confronted him and he said he has never done anything with any of them, he usually just dials the number and than hangs up. By this time, I was considering being done with him, but he said he'll change, etc etc. Towards the end of him being in training, I saw a couple of charges for hotels and he said it was because they went swimming... When he came home, I thought everything would be okay, but I noticed him texting someone a lot and he said it was a friend from training. When I read some of the conversation, there was a lot of flirting going on and he once again got mad at me, saying he should be able to have friends that are girls. A couple of days later, I was looking through all his things from training literally hoping I'd find something and I sure did. I found a letter from this girl saying she'll never sleep with a married man again and that he's still a good person, etc. He didn't know I found the letter and when I confronted him, he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about! It wasn't until a couple days later, after I said we should separate, that he admitted to it and begged me to stay, that it wouldn't happen again etc etc. I decided to give him another chance.

    Soon after, I got pregnant again and was excited because I thought this time he'd for sure change. Beginning of this year (Jan 2013) I saw some weird charges on our account and saw that he had joined a social network who's slogan is "Life is short, have an affair". I saw that he had yahoo chats with a girl on there talking about f-ing and how she likes it, etc etc, really bad stuff. I also downloaded an app on his phone that allows me to see all of his text conversations and internet history on his phone. This is how I found out he was basically dating a girl. He took her to dinner, they would go to the dog park together, etc. After their date to dinner, he text her and said "It was nice getting to know you with your clothes on". He was also still contacting escorts. This time, I was sure I was going to get a divorce. But after I confronted him, he claimed it's because he'd been out of work and had been having a hard time and he once again begged me to give him one last chance. I gave in.

    We found out we were having a girl and once again, I thought he'd for sure change! Baby girl was born in July 2013 and things were going good until recently. He had been out late one night and said he hung out with his old friend from college, but I was suspicious. I still have that app on his phone that tracks his messages, but he is aware of that. I thought it was weird that I didn't see any conversations with this "college friend" about hanging. What my husband doesn't know, is that this app also tracks where he is. I saw that he had been in a city that's quite far from where we live. A couple of days later, I see some ATM withdrawals for around $100 plus $30 to the movies on our bank account. About a week later, my kids and I stop by our house that my husband is building to visit him and he's not there... I look on the tracker and he's in that same city... I call him and he says he has to go to the "Lowes" out there to get something. A couple of days later, there's a $30 charge to iHOP. After all this has been going on, I start wondering if he's gotten a second cell phone so another day, I randomly stop by our house he's building and while he was walking around with our son, I hurry and looked in his truck and guess what I found? A cheap Cricket phone! I hurry and looked and only had time to read one text and it said "I want your sexy body all over me". He was starting to walk towards the truck, so I hurried and put it back and acted like nothing happened, but I was pretty sure he knew i found it. Once again, i had decided i should get a divorce, but when I confronted him a couple of days ago, he said he's changed and begged me to wait until January 2014 to make my final decision. And here I am again, giving him another chance.

    WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I really don't understand why I haven't left him. It's NOT a low self-esteem issue because i KNOW i can do better. I just don't know why I can't go through with getting a divorce. I need help.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member metrogirl's Avatar
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    I don't even know what to say. You know he's a pig and you continue to stay. You know that he is risking your health yet you continue to have sex with him. Maybe if he gives you HIV, you will find the courage to leave.

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    Platinum Member Edmund Exley's Avatar
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    A man that could cheat on his pregnant wife is about the lowest form of filth I could imagine.

    Why you think so low of yourself that you accept this over and over is beyond comprehension.

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    Platinum Member Edmund Exley's Avatar
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    You really need to reread this from your other thread. Its solid.

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    You say it is not a low self-esteem issue, but, sorry to tell you, it really is.. It seems your self-respect is pretty low. It could be really hard to leave a marriage, but you need to start seeing your situation for what it is, you are married to a very disrespectful man..

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    You may very well be love addicted/betrayal bonded to a man who exhibits Narcissistic traits.

    Knowledge is power.

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    If you can't bring yourself to leave for you, then you really need to just do it for your children. Do you honestly want your son imitating this behavior later on, or your daughter dating a man like her father? Not to mention that there's got to be a huge amount of tension in the home from all this, which they are no doubt picking up on.

    You probably think you'd do anything for your children. That includes giving them a good idea of what a relationship should look like, and what to do when a person is being incredibly disrespected.

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    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ilovemykids
    I just don't know why I can't go through with getting a divorce.
    You CAN, you just don't want to. You are exactly where you want to be, living the life you want to live. Until you want something better for yourself, no one here can help you.

    Good luck.

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    Originally Posted by waffle
    You CAN, you just don't want to. You are exactly where you want to be, living the life you want to live. Until you want something better for yourself, no one here can help you.

    Good luck.
    Wow....that was blunt,but hopefully effective.

  11. #10
    Gold Member kitkat620's Avatar
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    Well, some very tough, candid, to the point suggestions here for you. But let me take a little different approach. You question yourself on why you stay, what is wrong with you? By doing that you are basically acknowledging that you do know what you should do but are having a hard time actually doing it.

    There could be any number of reasons why you chose to stay. Your children for one. Any good mother always wants the best for her kids. You obviously want your children to have a home with a mother and a father. If your husband is a good father that is what your children are feeling. They are much too young to know what is really going on between you and your husband and I am sure they are not witness to any of your arguments about his cheating. If he is also a good financial provider, that would make leaving and going out on your own harder on you. For if you do leave, you will have to provide 1/2 of living expenses for your kids plus all the living expenses for yourself (minus maybe a little spousal support from your husband is that is possible). A big change if you are used to staying at home with the kids and having your husband take care of all the household bills and expenses. And lastly, maybe, besides the cheating of course, you actually do love your husband and the two of you basically get along well. It's harder to leave someone you love compared to leaving someone you have grown to despise.

    I have given you a few reasons on maybe why you continue to put up and stay with your husband. They are probably reasons a lot of new mothers with small children and women in love with a cheater have used and dwelled on to convince themselves that they cannot leave the marriage. Are they good reasons? Probably not. But sometimes it is easier to just accept the situation and believe the excuses given than it is to move on, alone. I don't think it's weakness, I don't think it's pitiful, I think it's hope. It's hoping that one of these times the promise he gives to you saying that he is going to change and that things will be different starting immediately, is actually the truth. It's hoping that someday he will grow tired of the cheating. And it's hoping that one day he will realize that you are the one he wants and that he is done hurting you and will spend the rest of his days making you happy. You are not pathetic, you are a young mother and wife who wants what most people want, to be happy, safe, content and at peace. But, unfortunately, you are not going to find that with this man. He is a chronic cheater, user, manipulator and liar. You can hope all you want. You can wait years for him to change and come to his senses, but the chances of him actually doing aren't good. The possibility of him having an epiphany and becoming an honest, god fearing, sensible person is slim at best. What you see now, is probably what you will see in 10 or 20 years.

    So, the question you have to ask yourself right now is 'can I live like this for the rest of my and my children's lives?' If you answer yes, I wish you good luck because you are going to need it, if you answer no, start putting your affairs (no pun intended) together and work on getting out of there...TODAY! I think you know what you need to do.

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