We can still be friends

Me and the woman that I thaught I was going to spend the rest of life with have been married for 15 years. Recently she has asked me if I was as miserable as she was. Of course I said not miserable, we have our issues just like other marriages. I went on to ask her how can we or I fix this problem. She told me I don't know, and I have no desire. She wants a divorce and still would like to be friends. I unfortunately am not wired that way. We have 2 children together and I am willing to play nicely for the kids sake but friends, I am having a hard time with it. She is going leave me and the kids the home but she can't afford local rent payments. She is going to be living in the home until something happens to allow her to move out. This is one hell of pickle I am in and don't know what to do. Any thaughts, ideas, or prayers would be hugely be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Ugh, what a difficult situation. You have my sympathy. It sounds like she has already made up her mind, has she given you any indication that you may be able to change it, or is she dead set on that course of action?

. . . she can't afford local rent payments. She is going to be living in the home until something happens to allow her to move out.

Says who???

She does not know how to fix it. She says maybe a mid life crisis. She has recently had major dental surgery to remove an issue in her life that has bean a problem. I was told that I am also one of those problems. She is the one that said she would not have any money left over if she rents around here. Thank so much for the replies.

Outdoors, do you want a divorce or do you want to make it work?

Love, like the ocean, has tides. It's normal, even predictable.

I have a suggestion - or several. Actually, it's an experiment, of sorts. Really simple. I want you to make note of her reactions/responses, if any.

Day 1: Pay her a compliment.

Day 2: Do something thoughtful - buy some flowers (not for her, per se, but for the house), make dinner, rub her feet while you're watching TV. (Don't expect acknowledgement or for her to even notice right away.)

Day 3: Ask her about her dreams for the future.

Day 4: Casually remind her about a time you spent together that you both really enjoyed - a trip, a holiday, or something.

Day 5: Take a photo of her (it shows her she's precious to you, that you want a reminder of her with you).

Remember, make notes about her reactions and PLEASE post them here. I'm dying to know how she responds.

If you don't want the marriage to work, then why not be friends?

Oh, and go check out Al Turtle's website (link removed). Tons of great relationship information there. I had to read every page about six times before it sunk in. The guy is a genius. I think he could have saved my marriage, if I'd found him before it was too late. I wish I had - not that I still love my ex like I did, of course, but my children would've enjoyed a cohesive family.

Oh, and get a copy of my favorite relationship book of all time: Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. Not a book about fixing a relationship, but in the end, it sort of is. It's a sociology book. Fascinating and heartbreaking.

Good luck!

Of course I do not want a divorce, I love this woman to death. I have done the flowers, the card that I wrote a paragraph of my feelings for her and how hot she looks. The response at the time was a peck on the cheek and a thank you. Now the response is " you had to tell me in an fn card? Really". I verbalize that she is a beautiful woman and its in one ear out the other. I don't know if that helps or not. If you think I should still do the foot rub thing I will. As well as check out those links. I just don't think she will be receptive.

If you love her, she's worth fighting for. If you've done the little things that should give her a moment of thought and she's negative, you should probably begin withdrawing. Go to Al's site and start with the link "What to do with he/she leaves you".

Also, get Uncoupling. It could really open your eyes before it's too late. Hard book to read, but well worth it.

I am on my way. Thank you so much.It can't be any harder than the pain I am dealing with now.

I'll just tell you that none of this would've worked on me. Women can sense when you're thinking up stuff to try, in order to get what you want. It used to make me laugh how men would be all doing the dishes when they thought they had a chance of getting laid, for example. Doing that expecting something in return is not what it's about. Giving a footrub hoping to save your marriage is too little too late; it's not what you do, it's who you are. And if you're someone who only does those things for what's in it for you (i.e. changing her mind about divorce) it's doomed to fail.

I'll just tell you that none of this would've worked on me. Women can sense when you're thinking up stuff to try, in order to get what you want. It used to make me laugh how men would be all doing the dishes when they thought they had a chance of getting laid, for example. Doing that expecting something in return is not what it's about. Giving a footrub hoping to save your marriage is too little too late; it's not what you do, it's who you are. And if you're someone who only does those things for what's in it for you (i.e. changing her mind about divorce) it's doomed to fail.

You missed the point. It wasn't about "fixing" anything. I was suggesting an experiment to gage her reaction to those actions. How someone reacts to your touch or a compliment or a suggestion tells one a great deal about where the other person's head is. Get it?

You missed the point. It wasn't about "fixing" anything. I was suggesting an experiment to gage her reaction to those actions. How someone reacts to your touch or a compliment or a suggestion tells one a great deal about where the other person's head is. Get it?

No, I don't get it. What is he supposed to do with that information? Tell it to the judge presiding over his divorce? Seriously, when someone says, "I want a divorce" I think it's pretty clear where their head is at.

I'll just tell you that none of this would've worked on me. Women can sense when you're thinking up stuff to try, in order to get what you want. It used to make me laugh how men would be all doing the dishes when they thought they had a chance of getting laid, for example. Doing that expecting something in return is not what it's about. Giving a footrub hoping to save your marriage is too little too late; it's not what you do, it's who you are. And if you're someone who only does those things for what's in it for you (i.e. changing her mind about divorce) it's doomed to fail.

I agree with Waffle (for once) lol. Too little to late and the more you try, the more you'll push her away and will only strengthen her position.

She wants out? Agree. Let her have it. Don't play the friends BS game. Mine pulled this lets be friends BS on me too. I mean, what the heck does that even mean? That we're going to be hanging out together? Funny. Done is done in my book and you don't get the friend benefit and frankly, I think they say this either to make themselves feel better about the position that they are taking or their scared as hell about an uncertain future and want you around as a fallback or safety net. Don't be a doormat. Cut her off completely. Focus on yourself, your kids and the legalities of divorce. Friends and/or any remote shot at reconciliation come well down the road if ever.

At some point reflect on what you've done wrong, where it ended up and what you've learned so as not to repeat it in your potential future relationships. Through this hopefully you will have learned a bittersweet lesson.

I agree with Waffle (for once) lol. Too little to late and the more you try, the more you'll push her away and will only strengthen her position.....

Again, it's not about trying. It's about seeing if she's receptive or if she's already gone. Sometimes people say one thing and they aren't really "there". A friend's wife said she wanted a divorce. They'd been fighting every day they were together for years (thankfully, he travels a lot). I asked him to do the same experiment. Four days later, they were at a counselor's office and she said she wanted to concentrate on the positive. They're still together, though it's tenuous. She was receptive.

People give up too easily, especially when children are involved. I say fight like hell.

I am definetly not her mat, I know as well as friends and family have told me I have my stuff together. With of course this one exception, my marriage. I have bean very receptive when it comes to her talking about our issues, or the ones she has with me. Calm cool and collected. I just listen and say OK. I have to agree that the just friends is.BS. That tells me that your a great person, just not one I want in that way. That is hard for me to say when I really think about it. As far doing chores in the home to get some from mamma, its true. A clean home is a happy woman. That stopped working for me about a year ago. I am told that sex is just another chore.

For many women, sex IS just another chore. We have all this waxing and shaving to do, sexy lingerie and etc. and then during the act we're often thinking, shoot, did I set the dishwasher to run? It's unfortunate and it has nothing to do with the man's/husband's bedroom skills and everything to do with the amount of responsibility we have . . . sometimes we just want to use that time for ourselves, you know? Wish I knew what the answer was with that one. Maybe just BE a partner . . . ? Helping out now and then only when you expect some nookie and then getting mad if you don't get it is not the same as being a true partner in the home and family. If you stop being a partner when you're pretty sure you're not going to get any, that is the quickest way to make sure you never get any again.

She is going to be living in the home until something happens to allow her to move out.

I like how you phrased this. "She is going to be" instead of "she wants to." Interesting that you're agreeing to this. Here's what's going on: she wants to have sex with other men and she wants you to continue to financially support her in order to enable her to do that. There is no other reason why a woman who can't afford a divorce would actually want a divorce. If you were so awful, she'd want to move out or she'd want you to. Think about that . . . what else will change in this situation other than your marital status?

If you allow this you are 100% a doormat.

You are totally correct about it being a partnership 100%. I am not a selfish person. As far as her wanting to shag other men I don't know. She has a higher income than I do, so it's not like she needs my income to go do what she wants. I think she is afraid of the logistics of divorce. almost like she wants it but is not prepared for it. This is the confusing part, when I removed my married status and the pictures I have of us as a couple from FB she got pissed and said why would you do that? you are so quick to clean me up out of your life we have history you know!

She has recently lost some weight, bought some jewelry, and got rid of all her fluffy clothes. She has had self esteem issues in the past. Throughout our marriage I have told her what a beautiful sexy woman she is. I guess It does not mean as much coming from me than it does coming from who ever she spends all that time with on that fn laptop.

I would tell her she can't stay in your house. She wants to be single she can figure out how to pay he own rent. Obviously she I depressed and chosen to make that about you. In this case you can't do anything for her. She needs to figure oh ho to be happy herself and not depend on you for that.

Marriages can be saved… I saved mine!

First two steps:

1. You must decide if you really want to be married to her. Yes or No?

2. If the answer is yes, you can’t waste time!

Many times a compatible marriage can be saved but the left-behind spouse, (you), wastes too much time in denial or bullying.

As this precious time slips away the wife is busy laying the final touches, (yes, it's been going on longer than you know), on her escape to the mass-media promised land of the single woman. (Most only find this to be fantasy after the divorce.)

Some questions:

Were you compatible from the start?

Was it a trapped marriage?

What are yours/kids ages?

How long ago did she make her first disclosure to you?

First Aid:

Don't tell her about this forum or anything you may be doing to save your marriage.

PS, You/we live in a confused fatalistic time where nobody wants to go beyond popular quick fix remedies. You will join their ranks, (divorced), if you take this attitude.

You must believe!

As far as her wanting to shag other men I don't know.

You DO know . . .

She has recently lost some weight, bought some jewelry, and got rid of all her fluffy clothes . . .

 

. . . who ever she spends all that time with on that fn laptop.

Really??? You don't know??? The evidence that she already has at least one other man is staring you right in the face.

Wow, sometimes you just need someone looking from the outside in to wake you the hell up. I guess I do know. I can't just kick her out, she is the type of person that would make this divorce very ugly. This house was originally mine and my sisters, sister left and my soon to be ex have put the home in our names. We have bean paying the note for the last 13 years and she believes she should get some time to leave. Am I screwed or what?

Wow, sometimes you just need someone looking from the outside in to wake you the hell up. I guess I do know. I can't just kick her out, she is the type of person that would make this divorce very ugly. This house was originally mine and my sisters, sister left and my soon to be ex have put the home in our names. We have bean paying the note for the last 13 years and she believes she should get some time to leave. Am I screwed or what?

You need to define what "some time" is? Are we talking indefinitely?

My xH was fine with giving me the house and having me pay the note because he couldn't afford to move out either. I had to get a court-order to get him out because divorce was final and he had no plans whatsoever to ever move out. He was happy to sponge off me. Just be careful what you agree to because I can't see any advantage to you living as roommates while she entertains her gentlemen friends. Is she willing to pay half the house note? Maybe strike up some sort of deal (in writing!) otherwise you are poised to get taken for a ride. Do you WANT her living with you if she wants to proceed with the divorce?

I should have said we as in me and my future ex wife. She does pay half the note now. Yeah, I would think that if you found the lawn greener some where else you would have all your ducks in a row to obtain it. It maybe time to seek counsel, I did not want my children to be drug through this.

These days not everyone can afford a divorce so the ones that don't give up and reconcile often end up living as roommates after the divorce is final, and splitting the living space and expenses. I actually had a court official suggest this to me in the mid-stages of my divorce when it became clear that xH didn't want to separate from me. I said oh HELL no, I didn't file for divorce only to continue to be stuck with him. But some people are able to make it work *shrug*. Is this anything you could see yourself doing?

Uh no, especially after seeing the 2 new pair of silk dazy dook style panties I saw on the washing machine. I picked up a shirt that she had on top of the washer drying and they where under it. I set them on top of the dryer just to see what her reaction would be. When I went back into the house later on she had put them back under her shirt. Huh, kinda fishy to me. So when I went out in the backyard where she was I told her if you are going to be bying sexy underwear for your boyfriend, please have the decentcy to hide them a little better next time. She just laughed smiling and said I don't have a boyfriend those are for me. I am tired of having stragly underwear. This $ hit is killing me . She needs to roll out.