suicide starting to make sense in my head right now...

i dont even know how i feel... honestly, i cannot even wrap my head around a rational thought tonight. im am coming down off cocaine as i type this... a much too routine user, especially as of late trying to walk away from it this time for good... GOD, the withdrawals... why IS IT I NEVER REMEMBER THEM AS I SNORT THAT LINE JUST ONE MORE TIME - bull i convince myself. the withdrawals play on my emotions wickedly... and when i started using more regularly they also have begun making me very SUICIDAL. it scares the out of me because the dark feelings dont disappear for hours, days sometimes and tonight i find myself at the very end of the rope. sober do i wanna die?? i dont know... i hardly ever am sober lately... and when i am i suicide still sits somewhere in my thoughts randomly... logically, i know it doesnt make sense. LOGICALLY I KNOW I DONT WANT TO DIE BUT my THOUGHTS TELL ME OTHERWISE... i can talk myself logically until i am blue in the face but LOGIC DOESNT WIN, HOW I FEEL DOES>>> and that in scares the hell out of me. tonight... i was trying TO PICK OUT THE BEST WAY ID LIKE DYING>> like hanging myself... or jumping off something... pills... yes PILLS WON OUT> IS WRONG WITH ME ???

I CANT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE I FEEL SO ALONE> I AM ALONE> i hate him for leaving me alone to deal with this. why doesnt he care enough to stay... when he knows i am a mess. i need him not to leave. i have thought and thought, going through possible solution after solution and i cant find one that actually will work ... i in have no idea how im going to get off coke, stay off coke... rehab i have beem there so many times and failed. i have tried to quit COCAINE ABOUT A THOUSAND TIMES IT SEEMS AND I ALWAYS RELAPSEDLIKE NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON CARES THAT SUICIDE WOULD ACTUALLY BE BETTER CUZ I WOULDNT MEED THEM ANYMORE.

my hope is gone. my purpose feels non existent. i just cant see where i am of importance in this world. i add darkness actually because im an addict and i hurt myself and people that care about me. so it just seems logical now. YES SUICIDE IS STARTING TO SEEM LOGICAL IN MY ED UP HEAD> what the hell is wrong w me. why am i not strong enough to do this. WHY AM I NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO FIGHT AND NOW STOP THINKING SUICIDAL>

WHY AM I SO WEAK> . i hate myself for being so weak. i just CANNOT SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL>.. its just NOT THERE

I have been there as well. Cocaine only makes it worse. You have to really stop or you will never come out of it. I did and even though it hurts still, I dont feel like commiting suicide all the time. You are strong just show yourself that you can do it.

keivn i try so hard to stay strong. i swear i try with everything but its so overwhelming sometimes i cant do it. its like i just break. PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO SAVE MYSELF> this pain is ing absolute HELL

thank you for talking to me btw

its like i tell myself the cocaine will fix it take it away...i feel jittery thinking about that initial 10mins after u take that line when nothing matters...i just never remember the hours, days that follow so darkly.. that fix goes away so fast and i want more chasing it...but end up in a deeper hole. i crave cocaine badly.

Relapses are to be expected in the road to recovery. Just because you relapsed in the past does not mean it will happen again. Just keep at it until you succeed. Life is very, very precious and it is important that you hang onto it. Hang in there and don't give up. :star: chi

OK, you must keep in mind that this is the drug speaking... you've whacked out your brain chemistry using coke, and it does take some time to right to be normal again and think clearly. People on coke THINK they're thinking clearly, but they really aren't. Their mind is racing and revving too fast, it is like a car spinning wheels and getting no traction. And you feel CRAPPY when you start to come down because your poor brain is so used to being flooded with cocaine, that it has quit making those normal calming chemicals that allow you to feel happy and satisfied with life.

I read something years ago that said that addicted rats if given a choice to press a bar that will give them some food or press a bar that delivers a hit of cocaine, will pound that cocaine bar until they collapse and starve to death! So that is what you are doing now, you are pounding that bar and have lost perspective about what life is about and how to be good and kind to yourself and take care of yourself. You CAN get that perspective back, but you just have to live thru long enough time for your brain chemistry to right itself again and produce the natural chemicals that make you feel happy and contented. The brain is a sophisticated feedback mechanism when it comes to chemistry, and you have to give your poor brain a chance to recover. It WILL feel like hell for a period of time between when you stop using coke and when your brain can produce it's own nature chemicals again, but once you are past that, you will NOT feel suicidal etc.

So what you have to focus on now is just getting thru this period of time until your brains biochemical feedback system can start producing normal amounts of brain chemicals that make you feel normal and happy. Your brain has down-regulated that production in coke addicts because coke addicts are flooding their brains with artificial stimulants and chemicals. That is why cocaine is so freaky addictive, because if you're a regular cocaine user, your brain stops producing 'feel good' chemicals because you are flooding it with cocaine. So your brain has to have an adjustment period in order to recognize you are no longer on cocaine, and start making those natural chemicals again.

I highly recommend that people on the serious drugs like coke or heroin go thru detox with the help of professionals who are trained to deal with this and help you get thru it. They are fonts of advice and help on how to get thru this period, and in many cases if the addiction was severe anough, you will need other withdrawal medications (such as low dose tranquilizers) to get you thru this gap between when you stop the drug and when your brain recovers. Otherwise its a really large hurdle to do on your own and you do NOT want to give in to these temporary impulses to suicide or getting back on the drug again.

Please try to contact some resources... if you have insurance and can pay, then call a doctor or other agencies who can put you in touch with people who can help. There are also resources for those who don't have the money as well, so please reach out to a local agency or even AA or Narc-Anon or anyone who can put you in touch with local resources to get you thru this period. I promise it WILL pass, but you do have to recognize that your poor tired brain needs a break, and needs time to recover as surely as if you were trying to recover from a car accident or any kind of injury. You just need time, and to get thru this, so reach out and get some help. I woudl be such a waste for you to assume you'll feel like this forever, because you won't, and you'll start to feel really just fine once your poor brain has had time to start producing the correct chemical balances again. And if you have tried rehab before and it didn't work, then you probably need some therapy to understand why you do this to yourself. You can live a happy and normal life, if only you'd let yourself!

Hang in there, you can do it!

btw, most people who kick drugs don't do it on the first try. You have to keep at it til it sticks. I know many people who have come out the other side of addiction and are very happy and contented with their lives, and they've done that by hard work and recognition that the down side of drugs is far worse than the pleasure they get from it, so they have to make the mature choice to tough it out and fight it long enough to get their brain chemistry right, and straighten out their lives and quit hanging around with dealers and drug users who might tempt them back. You need to replace the space in your life that was dominated by drugs with other higher pursuits and purposes and joys. I've seen many people do this, and you can to, but you have to be kind to yourself and give your poor brain a chance to right itself again, and that takes time and won't happen in a day and you need to accept that and work with it.

Yes- you know you have a problem *Routine use & suicide* This is what is not good. Time you look at getting some professional help.. asap!

I will not repeat.. but i agree what Dove's saying ^^

Take care of YOU. Get off this stuff okay.... do it!

One day at a time.

YOu are exactly where your supposed to be, sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we change!

YOu are exactly where your supposed to be, sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we change!

Thats probably not that far off but only you can decide whats rock bottom. luckily for me I found out myself very quickly that it was only making it worse for me so I stopped pretty quickly. You really need to realise it yourself what its doing to you. I also took prozac for 3 days and it just made me worst. Initially i enjoyed the pain and crying and kept calling my ex but then it hit me that this is only ruining me and noone else.

immediately talk to a doctor and get some psychological AND medical help. right now the drugs is running your life- but it is quite possible to stop using cocaine and whatever else you are talking. get yourself into treatment now- and then try to be strong enough to forgive yourself.