Mental Self-Injury. I pay for sex because of desperation, it destroys me.

Hello everyone.

I am 20 year old male, living in UK. I live in small town, go to college and work. In my mind I can see a good future a head of me, where I complete my Masters Degree at University and leave to work to USA for my cousin's big company.

I have a generally good life, I have food, clothes, home to live in. People respect me, and I respect others. Every day I am trying to appreciate things I have, but emotionally I become less capable day by day of doing so, and things go to hell.

So what is the matter... I am lonely, and as hard it is for me to admit it, that is the truth. I am lonely, and every where I go, I go by myself. I'm tired of it, wherever I am I see people holding their hands, laughing, cuddling, kissing... and then it's just me. I wonder why, because I am not bad looking, I am a sharp, smart guy, 6'3" tall and I am slim. Here is why; I reject every single idea of me being with someone. When walk by myself, I don't even look at women any more, and when I do, I always think "What's the point, it will only make me feel worse, I am such a loser". Don't get me wrong, compared to most of the guys I see in college and outside, I feel really confident about myself, so by saying a loser, only applies to women.

I can't trust them, in my experience and past, I see them as walking issues. I don't believe that there could be as crazy girl as me, who would like me for who I am, and not just because I own a car or have a lot of money(which I don't).

I used to feel very hostile towards women, hating them. Now I don't care, I avoid conversations, I avoid looking at them. Whatever I do is wrong, whatever I say is too. I know I am an honest, a good person. I could be a great boyfriend and do so many awesome things with a girl. I see some of my female friends being cheated on by their boyfriends, sometimes even beaten. After all, they still go back to them, and me? I am just... I have no idea.

Unfortunately, instead of trying to keep my heads up, things get worse. I do worse. There is no one to care for me, and when I was 18 I had sex with an escort(hooker) for the first time ever. Since then to this day, I continue paying for sex, I've done it about 15 times now and it becomes much more frequent. It used to help my depression(?), now it becomes a regular thing and I am paying with money that will leave me in debt very soon, and it's not even fun. Sex without meaning, senseless. Instead of a good future, I will sink. The last time I was happy, or at least felt like a normal human being, was... months ago. I am considering using drugs, alcohol doesn't help me any more. I am risking my health by using escorts too, or even getting killed by some psycho. There is no point to my living, on my own I feel like I've already been through everything, nothing makes any difference. Things no more matter to me. I am sad, and this is overwhelming. I can't even normally breathe because of stress. If I had a girlfriend, I could do so much good to her, I could give so much, and my life would change then too. Being by myself, it's holding my potential back.

I can't even cry...

I won't kill myself...

...but I can't stand what is going on around me.

I feel worthless, nothing has any meaning.

No hope, just me and my cruel ultimatum for life.

Someone please punch me in the face to make me sober, I think I actually need to get my ass kicked, land in a hospital, or something.

I can understand how being single can be really hard sometimes. It's really nice to be affectionate with another person. I think I can help you regain a sense of control over your dating life, at least a little bit. When you're first getting to know someone, dating is essentially about sharing positive experiences and building a rapport with someone, much like friendship. You can't really go into with the mindset that you have all these expectations, and want to give and give. Don't get too emotionally intimate with someone too fast even if you feel like in a few weeks or months it's eventually going to lead there anyway or that you have this ideal courtship in your head that you're trying to turn into a reality.

To be in a relationship, you have to be flexible and willing to make sacrifices. I've had to change my outlook to a more positive one to attract the kind of men I want. Even though it's daunting and seems kind of unfair that no one has seemed to give you a chance so far, you might being doing things to repel women in a romantic sense without even realizing it. I've also even had to make compromises on the fashion I wear so that I fit mainstream beauty standards. So it's not as simple as just being positive or something like that. You should have concrete things to offer someone.

That being said, I don't think you should feel that ashamed for your actions. It's just sex. All sexual activity literally comes with a price, whether it's the new shirt you buy for a date or the hooker you pay for an hour of her time. All sexual activity comes with the risk of STIs too. My friend got herpes from the first guy she had sex with. I think that you feel alienated from real women so it's making your shame worse.

It'll get easier to approach women with time as long as you put yourself out there as much as you can. Don't be so afraid of rejection because it's causing you to be completely alone which is so much worse than striking out sometimes.

You have to stop thinking about other people's lives and start thinking and doing stuff for your own. Sex is like alcohol people use it for depression. Start taking control of it. Lower your fat intake, exercise a lot more, masturbate when the urges strike. Find ways specific to yourself that will help you control it.

This is a sign if sex addiction. Research it and seek help

I can empathize about the feeling lonely part. I'm shy, introverted, short, would generally not be considered particularly attractive (though not necessarily ugly, I don't think)- suffice to say, I wasn't exactly too popular with the ladies in school. My ex-girlfriend recently dumped me, and while I'm healing in regards to not having her, facing the specter of never having female contact like that again- I kind of lucked into that relationship- it pretty tough.

If you don't put yourself out there, though, you'll never get a satisfactory result. "You need to pay to play".