Discovered my daughter is doing porn.

Hi, My 24 yo daughter is in porn. I found her pseudonym online last night. She has posted hundreds of EXPLICIT shots of herself in the "act". I also found her pseudonym's twitter account where she posts daily about her "shoots" and how excited she is. According to her first post, she's been doing this for 2 years. Over those 2 years my husband and I have tried to give her a part time job with us which she flaked on constantly. Working with us she had learned advanced excel and office skills that I hoped she could apply to other more lucrative work. In the meantime I paid her rent and supplemented her food. I had tried to get her interested in nursing school again [she flaked out twice before] but she flaked out a 3rd time stealing my tuition money in the process. She's smart, scores well on tests and is extremely personable. All this and she claimed she couldn't find other work blaming the economy. Yet her cousins - between the ages of 19 and 25 also can not find jobs "in their field" but they are all employed delivering pizza, waiting tables and even dressing up in squirrel costume at an amusement park.

She became angry with me for not giving her more money and for not visiting her after she moved out of town 3 months prior "for a job" unleashing a barrage on me when I asked why her job wasn't paying her bills. I told her to give me a break - at the time she chose to take off, I'd recently 'adopted' my adult disabled brother, relocated him and at the same time became trustee in my recently deceased step-father's messy estate which took a lot of work. Her move, my brother, the death of my stepfather and taking on the trustee tasks all happened within one month. When she left it was on good terms. I thought she understood that the new mess I was embroiled in was a disruption in my life that would take time to smooth out. She has to take care of no one but herself. I also work full time and began suffering mild depression. Her response to me "YOU GO GIRL," then began mocking me til I told her I wanted her in my life but not like this. before she moved I'd given her $3000 in hopes she put it toward something useful.

I don't know what to do or how to go on with this in my head. To be honest, by the time she left, she had become a torrent of heartache and to see her just made me unhappy. I could have gone to see her... but I didn't want to! She was so awful to me. blaming me for everything that's gone wrong in her life. Full of lies, stealing. all that came out of her mouth was deceit.

All this sounds like strange behavior. I've asked her to get herself seen and offered to pay for therapy. Nothing.

Last night I wrote her after 3 months of silence between us. I told her I was still angry about before but that I still loved her. Asked her to stop what she was doing because it is dangerous. I am worried for her safety but the hardest part is facing the fact that I dread seeing her again.

So you admitted you saw her porn work? Is she getting $$ for that? Honestly, not sure I would have admitted I'd seen that stuff, being her 'parent'... And She's an adult, she doesn't have to answer to anything you guys say or think of her choices in this.

It sounds like she has a bit of attitude towards you, probably 'using' you. Sadly because of her age- she DOES need to learn some responsibility.

I find often, AFTER kids move out do they smarten up & start showing more respect. (most do- not all).

She has moved on.. moved away and her parent has nicely given her chances and more $$ after moving out.

I dont think you should offer any more now.

SHE needs to learn responsibility for her age- she IS an adult now.. let her learn the downfalls or success of Life, on her own now. Mom & dad can't bail her out ALL the time, especially IF she isn't even trying.

Oh, i'm really sorry.. how painful a discovery...

There is a another thread on this board right now, that i'd like you to read that is written by a young girl your daughter's age who is thinking about giving up a professional job to go back to being a lapdancer. This will give you perspective on where your own daughter's head is right now:

What you'll notice about this is some common themes in girls who get into this:

They want to make a lot of money for little effort. Rather than doing things the 'hard' way, they want it easy and instantly. So they don't want to suffer thru part-time jobs, years spend getting an education, working a full 8 hour day etc. They want lots of money and quick and fast and easy.

They are frivolous and inconstant in their thinking. Today they want to be taken seriously as a professional, but tomorrow they want to party, party, party. So they may consider other work, but not for long, because it interferes with their FUN and is hard and tedious whereas the sex trade of any kind (porn/strippers/lap dancers) is about a party atmosphere and brings them a lot more instant cash than an entry level young person's 'normal' job would bring them.

They enjoy power and control over men, and use their sexuality to do it. It makes them feel POWERFUL and VALUED to have some man lusting over them. They LIKE feeling like this man is their puppet and all the attention that they get from it.

And on the flip side, they may fall under the spell of an older man who ENCOURAGES this kind of behavior/profession, either to get money or because he gets off on watching women be degraded by random strangers pawing on them and treating them like meat. So that BF will encourage her to do these kinds of things because he gets off on it and probably has LOTS of issues with women and is using this young girl to play them out. Young girls can be notoriously naive and think their older pimps/BFs really love them, when the man is most likely more interested in feeling powerful/sexual from degrading women and/or watching them be degraded. He'll tell her it is liberated and free and etc. trying to convince her it is someone a great thing when she really dancing around or laying around on floors and beds sticky and covered in some random man's ejaculation. So the men are manipulating them to get them to ignore the reality of their own situation.

They can be quite arrogant/rebellious and silly girls. And by that i mean, they don't think things thru, and they can be headstrong and just want to chase whatever fun sensation crops up and offers it to them and they don't want anyone else to try to stop them or to listen to reason or logic. They also may be of less than normal intelligence to think this is a good choice for themselves and their lives, or immature or with other learning disabilities or psychiatric conditions (ADD, bi-polar, etc.) hindering normal thought processes.

And most sadly, many of them are drug addicted and fall into these professions because it offers quick money and doesn't require them to be sober/straight to do the job.

And equally sadly, many of them are girls who were sexually abused as children or teenagers, and they are acting out and repeating their trauma and really need psychiatric help to overcome this and stop degrading themselves in repeating these sexual scenarios.

So the summary there is that they are usually immature, self centered, not willing to postpone short term gratification to learn a career that will pay them as well, like the money, like the attention and feeling in control, under the spell of older greedy or kinky men, not very educated or desiring of being educated etc.

So what do you do about this? Sadly, if she is in the first flush of cash and people stroking her and convincing her it is a good profession, or feeding her drugs or flattery, she will absolutely not listen to anything at all that you say. Most girls will only leave it when they see the negative side and the sordidness of it, and that takes time and disappointment to soften them up, or finding their BF who is pimping them is seeing other girls or dumping her etc.

So i think you should talk to her and tell her that anytime she wants to stop this, you will help her. And helping her will not be about sending her cash whenever she asks for it, but about bringing her home again and working a normal job or enrolled in school and taking it seriously.

But as long as she is willing to do this and is in the early infatuation stage at all the cash and attention this is generating, she is on her own and you won't be involved with her. When she's in the first flush of making good money and getting a lot of attention or pleasing an older BF, she'll just think you are un-cool or old-fashioned or judgmental. These young girls don't get that they haven't invented anything new and free and progressive, because prostitution and the sex-trade are the oldest professions, and they have destroyed so many lives (and WILL destroy many more, including their own) though they just now in the first flush of cash and attention and don't know it yet.

So you're there is she wants to change, but if she's not changing, you're not going to enable her by giving her cash or letting her run all over you. The one case where you might be able to do something is if you know your daugther has mental illness (bi-polar etc.) and can document it and have her placed in a conservatorship and put into in-patient therapy to get her to take medication to straighten her out. But if you can't document that, you just have to apply tough love and be willing to help her if she is willing to cooperate with you and leave that business, but if she isn't, you just have to let her go because you can't force her out of it when she's on a new high over the money and the attention it brings, or attached to a BF who encourages this in her and she is naive enough to think that he loves her rather than using her for money or to satisfy his kink.

soosad33: "Honestly, not sure I would have admitted I'd seen that stuff, being her 'parent'..." I'm sorry, why wouldn't i admit to it? This a forum to seek advice free of shame. I admit [if 'admit' is even the appropriate word here] I saw her porn because I am devastated and needed some advice in a forum designed for such things. Yes parent not 'parent' in parens.

I didn't say I wanted her to answer to me. Yup she's using me. Thanks for the rest.

thanks lavenderdove for your thoughtful reply. I'l take a look at that link. At the end of day, what concerns me most is her health and safety. Can't cope with the worry...

I think what soosad meant was that you admitted to her you saw it, not admitting here.

It sounds as though you've had a difficult time cutting the strings and have partly used the fact that you give her money (too much, IMO) as a way to make her do what you want her to do.

She is 24. This has to be a really hard realization that your baby, whom you raised and nurtured and intended to grow into a great and caring and smart member of society, is doing something, well, vile. (For the record I don't consider porn vile but I realize for family members of these actors that it may be). But you can't control what she does. Whether she picks the wrong spouse, the wrong profession, the wrong hobbies, etc, remember that "wrong" is subjective and just bc it may be wrong to you means its wrong to her.

So stop with the money bc she will never spend it the way you want her to (and she may not spend it the way she said she would either) and remember that, as difficult as it may be, this is her choice and her alone.

hers: thanks for your reply. Yes it is true about the money. And for clarifying my misunderstanding with soosad. By admitting to my daughter what I saw, I guess I wanted her to know that I loved her anyway despite what I saw and despite our previous argument. Feeling stunned and numb but these feelings are mine to deal with. Her choices are hers. I don't want to change her or criticize her. I'm just afraid for her health. Thanks though, the words you gave were helpful. My issue is more about how to handle my panic. What she does is out of my control. Back to family therapy for me.

Jesus, this girl sounds exactly like me.

I wasn't advertising what I was doing (I was very private... almost paranoid), but I was making a lot of money.

It sounds like she's in it more for the attention than the money (who's paying for these pictures... no one) & that's worse than being in it for money.

Trust me, as an industry girl, the girls who are "proud" to be doing what they're doing as opposed to those in it for money end up in such awful places.

The validation they need from these men is always their downfall.

(I have so many stories, but I don't want to scare you.)

What I needed what ATTENTION FROM MY MOTHER... As co-dependent & childish as it sounds.

My mom provided for me financially as you do for your daughter, but it was never enough...

In the end, most people want time more than money, but it sounds like you're working your ass off (as was my mom) & you just don't HAVE the time.

The good news is she MAY snap out of it & accept you're giving her everything you can give her.

Eventually, that will be enough, I promise.

She'll stop blaming you for this/that.

Until, then, however, what you do for her needs to be less about money & more about time.

Get a hobby you can do with her.

If you're serious about intervening, consider this a priority.

Any Sat night plans you had with your friends are now devoted to her... Just in case she needs you.

If you're too burned out from work to go to your cooking class (or whatever you decide to do with her) too bad...

That will just take her back.

She is selfish, yes, so I'm not letting her play the victim by any means, I'm just telling you what she NEEDS.

Gl!

What a brat. Cut her off.

She already knows you love her.

Yeah, I think you need to figure out why you feel guilt for her decisions now. And you need to start to detach.

But it's my daughter. And well, it was my mother. Who I had to do that with. Not cause of porn; cause of booze. Could very well have watched her die. Came close to it a few times.

Healthy detachment is under rated. You aren't responsible for her. She is responsible for herself. And just because she wants to destroy herself; doesn't mean you need to go down with her. Besides, it won't help her any.

I'd be more upset over the fact she was making money and still taking yours than the fact that she is doing porn.

I'm sure your heart is in the right place, but it's time to set her free into the adult world, where she can learn responsibility, as well as dealing with the consequences of her poor choices and decisions.

This is not meant to sound harsh, but as long as she has someone to bail her out, she has no reason to do anything differently.

Uhhh wow way to jump to conclusions people. I don't think it's clear this woman is as supportive as she claims. People aren't always born unstable. Even if outright emotional abuse isn't present, I sense a long history of resentment in this family. It is always the parent's job to correct that, not just wash their hands of their children after they have already traumatized them because they have now become adults. That's disturbing. It's not okay to create and set up a dynamic of blame from childhood and then fail to take responsibility for that just because the child is now grown. That's like only watering a plant when its leaves start to turn yellow, and being surprised when the plant becomes frail and fails to thrive.

Anyway, I know I could be wrong but the way the post was worded, for example, when she describes her daughter as being bright but then goes on to paint her out to be a selfish, irresponsible brat sounds like classic emotional abuse to me, or at least in that territory. I would expect a healthy parent to include some kind of detailed backstory to explain how things festered to the point that her daughter became a sex worker. Otherwise, out of context, it doesn't make much sense, and basically this revelation serves to make her daughter look crazy and highlight her flaws. It is somewhat of a red flag to me when people split their child into the 'good' child and the 'bad' child, failing to see their child falls somewhere in between. To me it shows a parent probably doesn't have good conflict resolution skills.

I definitely sense some major communication issues, that are being shaped by both repressed and overt resentment. I believe it is the responsibility of the parent to teach their children healthy coping skills. Personally, I have never seen a case where a kid had major issues that just came out of nowhere. Again, I don't think it is always caused by abuse but by a parent not being flexible or wise enough to see what their particular child needs. Parents are not infallable, or perfect. They make mistakes and that is fine, but long term resentment usually indicates that the parent is doing something major to contribute to the issue.

I'm in agreement with meoww - there's not enough of a back story to figure out what's really going on with this girl, and these things rarely come out of nowhere.

I know a couple of people who's parents use money as a way to placate the children that they haven't spent enough quality time with or bonded properly - offering to pay for therapy is just another way to offload her, and that's likely how she'll see it.

What exactly is she blaming you for? She may be angry and upset and say it in a horrible way, but maybe there are things in there that you need to hear - they may be warped with the strength of emotion, but nevertheless you may need to spend less money and spend more time.

Have you considered going to therapy with your daughter to go through the issues that she throws at you? Maybe that would open the lines of communication.

Thank you. Yes she does know I love her. Money is certainly not the only kind of attention she's received from me but there's a very convoluted history between her, me and her grandmother [in my past posts if you're curious]. In her childhood there were inconsistencies. Regretfully she wasn't my priority early on [i did finally get a clue by the time she was 10 to start paying attention]. Her dad was absent and her grandparents helped raise her. She had a LOT of people around her who loved her, especially me. I own my shortcomings as a mother, no excuses. Taken the brunt of her anger directed at me as well as her anger toward her father. Since he wasn't around, she aimed that at me too. Doing the right thing is much harder than simply buying her love though I took care of her financially as well. I would not expect any less from her than I could muster myself at her age. My own childhood was much more tumultuous. My own mother - cold, angry and abusive. At 24 I was held responsible for my choices and I expect that of my daughter. At 24 'acting out' and doing porn because her mom didn't love enough doesn't cut it. I am afraid for her nonetheless. As hateful as she is to me, I hope she knows to come back to me if and when she tires of this but I will not pull her. Not anymore. This process of letting go is difficult.

I would stay in touch, keep talking, keep trying to contact her, but do not give her money or otherwise unbalance your life. I feel so terrible for you; this really is pretty much a parent's worst nightmare. The industry simpy isn't safe, and it never will be. I feel very bad for her.

Been to therapy with my daughter YES. Time with her? Absolutely. Our backstory is chronicled in my previous posts. My daughter has never accepted what I had to offer her. She wanted what her grandparents offered her - money, cars, bailing her out of being evicted from apartment after apartment, bailing her out of credit card fraud, bailing her boyfriends out of jail. Each time I asked them to step out of the way so she could learn a lesson they said they would, agreed with me how wrong it was. Then I turn around find it happened again. Of course this became a bone of contention between she and I. I wanted her to earn her way, wanted her to learn consequences before she became an adult and got out of control. She thought I was 'being mean', told me off to get out of the her way. Now that they are both gone she can not accept that I won't continue with the precedent they set for her.

There's really nothing you can do or say to her at this point that will make her turn around or become someone else - this is who she is and who she has been for the past...15, 20 years. She is indeed intelligent, and she has figured out how to get the money she wants without doing any real work. After having had her taste of the skin industry, why should she ever want to work a "real job" when she earns in one night what you or I earn in two weeks after years of being in the same job?

The only thing you can do is to prepare yourself to take in her daughter when she has one and realizes she can't take care of it, and to prepare yourself for the worst if and when it happens.

I'm sorry if I misinterpreted your post. Maybe you're too much of a giver. In those cases space definitely helps. She might get out of the industry on her own when she realizes she can fend for herself.

I wouldn't put pressure on her to 'fix' herself though. I don't think it is healthy for anyone to view themselves as broken or in need of repair. Focus on her happiness and helping stop the self destructive pattern. She is probably harder on herself than you think.

She seems like she goes through money very quickly. Could she have a drug problem?

Was the therapy productive at all - how long did you go for? I've read your back story and it certainly is tumultuous, did the therapy help you and your daughter clear any air at all?

With issues like this it sounds very much like it needs to be pretty intensive, and judging by your posts the issues weren't resolved as it's all still going on.

In one of your posts you say that she was on cocaine in her previous years, and it seems quite likely that this is continuing - was she ever in rehab or get any sort of help for it?

It sounds very much to me like there are unresolved issues, and that she's been incredibly spoiled and continues to be spoiled, and that she's very probably still on drugs.

With regard to what you can do, I can see how this is incredibly tricky - you have your parents giving her everything that she wants, so you effectively have no support in trying to turn the situation around, your daughter is very probably on drugs which will make it difficult to communicate with her or let her go for fear of where she might end up, on top of which there is likely unresolved issues between your daughter and yourself which will impede your progress.

I am going to assume that she is on drugs, due to her behaviour and past history, in this case you must accept:

1. You cannot do anything about it - she is a grown woman, and if she doesn't want to do rehab or get the help that she needs you have to step back.

2. You are enabling her behaviour by giving her money. She's your daughter, and you want to take care of her and not see her hurt, however any money that you give her may well be spent on her habit.

3. It is up to your daughter to fix this, you can only ever be in the background and available for healthy support - not bail outs or guilt money.

4. She will lie to you, to either get money or make you feel bad in order to get what she wants.

5. She may hit rock bottom - whether this is homelessness, jail, or whatever - this is a path that she may choose when support is removed. As painful as it is the alternative is to keep funding her addictions and wreckless behaviour.

In respect of the above, get the support that you need - check out your local Al-Anon group who will be able to give you any contact details that you need. This may be a long term thing for you, as it is very likely it will not be resolved overnight and may drag out.

In respect of her behaviour, discounting the drugs I'd recommend the following:

1. Withdraw all monetary support that you can. I read in one of your posts that you were a co-signer on her flat some time ago, I don't know whether this is the case or not but if so you are obliged in this sense, but give her absolutely, totally NO MORE MONEY. She is used to being bailed out and will not accept any responsibility until she has to fend for herself.

2. If she ends up in jail, DO NOT BAIL HER OUT.

3. You cannot control what your parents do - if they want to bail her out, fine, but absolutely do not continue getting your purse out.

4. Let her hit rock bottom. And I mean REALLY hit rock bottom. This is hard, I know, but to give you an example, a relative of mine was doing exactly the same as your daughter, bailed out all the time, sat around smoking weed, evicted all the time, all of that. Money was stopped, she ended up in a van with her two kids for 3 months. Since then she has a house, started her own small business, and although she's not free of troubles she is learning to take responsibility and she no longer asks for bail outs.

5. Get the support you need - it's so hard to keep perspective as you will be blindsided by a parents love, which although can be wonderful, can stop you from seeing what the best thing is to do.

6. Communicate with your daughter through all of this - let her know you are available emotionally and to talk about any issues that she may have, but she is a grown woman and must stand on her own two feet and you are no longer supporting her. Offer her therapy sessions with you and rehab if she needs it - DO NOT BE A DOORMAT.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I can empathise with you to a degree as I have been directly involved in a similar situation so it strikes a chord.

I know it's going to be really difficult for you and much of the above seems harsh, however she must take responsibility for her actions and that means other people stepping back and letter her take control of her own life.

As a parent, you want your daughter to be independent, confident, able to have a happy and successful life - this is not the road that will take her there. The only way to get her there is to enable her to take responsibility for her actions, build on her life and go in a direction that will make her truly happy.

With your parents, there's little you can do, you can talk to them and explain what you're doing, but don't expect them to agree or to stop what they're doing - this is their choice. It would be ideal if they could support you, but if not then you just have to accept that.

If you find that she is still on drugs and you make them aware of it, they may be less enthusiastic about giving her money.

You will have to be strong, and put on the full metal jacket for this, but the hard way out of it really is the best way right now - this has been going on for a long time, and will continue to go on if you let it, at some point you have to put the brakes on and keep them on.

Best of luck to you

>>Again, I don't think it is always caused by abuse but by a parent not being flexible or wise enough to see what their particular child needs.

Actually people have their own personalities that they are born with. And research has shown that once people get past the age of 11-12, it doesn't matter much what the parents do, children and young adults are more influenced by their peers and the social groups they get themselves into (i.e., who they meet, hang out with, fall in love with, etc.).

The parents of serial killers can be perfectly normal, loving parents, and give birth to a sociopath due to genetics. And the sociopath has wide access to the internet and other influences these days from an early age, to identify with the wrong crowd of people. So the parents may be normal, fine, and loving, and the person will still be a sociopath, and dangerous if they discover the wonders of the twisted influences/people they encounter along the way.

So this young girl sounds like she has always been strong willed and self centered, which indulgent grandparents didn't help, and she probably fell in with the wrong crowd and learned she could make a lot of money doing this and is excited by the attention she gets from this. So i don't think it is fair to say it is the mother's 'fault' that this woman is making wrong choices.

Thanks everyone for all the feedback whether it's critical or supportive. Thanks for not letting the criticism turn into a facebook style bashing [for the most part]. Civil critical opinions are hardly seen anymore these days so I wanted to add that. For the record, I am not looking for validation that I did the right or wrong thing. I hold myself accountable as a parent to a child, to a teenager and to her young adulthood heading out into the world. So many things I could have done better. But at this point in her adult life, she IS responsible for her own actions and I believe that 100%. That doesn't release me from the absolute horror and grief I feel that she is where she is. That grief is why I posted. The comments were all valuable but I realize now, there is no getting around this pain no magic words to make it easier. I will see my therapist for that. Thanks everyone.

No'one's ever perfect as a parent, partner, friend, lover, whatever - that's life!

Don't continue to blame yourself for whatever has happened, the only way to go forward is to deal with what is right now, and give her the opportunity to talk to you in a constructive way. Harking back to any past needs acknowledgement, acceptance and forgiveness - both for yourself and for her. It doesn't seem like she's in a place to do this right now, so you can only do what you think is right.

It is a difficult place where you are, and I do feel for you and hope it gets better for you and that your daughter sorts herself out - stay strong. xx

There's another thing...Even when she hits rock bottom, even then, she may still stay on this path she is on, because it's who she is as a human being.

"Strong-willed"? That is the most subjective and situation dependent assessment ever, and usually a more socially acceptable way of calling someone selfish. I really do not see selfishness as a fixed personality trait. I also think it is a relational assessment, and has a lot to do with how people relate and interact with each other. Comparing someone you don't know to a serial killer is also extreme...

More importantly, I can easily explain what I meant by a parent being too inflexible to meet their child's needs. It's not about what you 'believe' is so called good parenting and standing by that no matter how much it is clear that it's failing. It's about viewing your child as an individual and realizing that your vision of parenting has to be adaptable depending on the situation. I'm not talking about accommodating a child's every whim at all either. I'm talking about modifying your strategy even though you might feel your parenting is already adequate.