My breakup journal.

Today's day one. I feel numb. Every now and then I get a pang of intense guilt. I feel horrible that I didn't do it in person. But it's what best for ME. And it's time to focus on me.

No more stressing about him, no more handing him over my occasional paychecks because I felt guilty.

I spent our whole relationship in a bubble of guilt. I was ALWAYS wrong and he was ALWAYS right.

If I spilt something on the carpet, he'd scold me like a child.

If I didn't clean specifically what he wanted clean, I was lazy.

I didn't get a tattoo my dad was going to get for a birthday gift for me because my ex told me "I can't get one until he gets his first one".

I styled my hair the way he wanted.

I scratched that damned back of his for him every.single.night (well the nights he actually CAME to bed.)

I pretended his love making was earth shaking, because I love him. When really it felt more like a dull mechanical act than passionate love.

I let him scream in my face, stop me from leaving the house, and call me names because I thought he would change.

They.never.change.

I guess he came to the house while my dad and I went to get food. My neighbor, who is more like a family friend, informed him he wasn't welcome there.

He cussed him out and said he'd kick his a**, and then left.

Ugh.

Made a list to read whenever I second guess this :

He was constantly critizing me.

He could not handle disagreements with out extreme anger.

He stopped having sex with me

He stopped sleeping in the same bed as me, and made me beg him every night

He didn't really care about my opinion

He was kind and curteous to everyone but me

He got mad if I didn't do what he said - cleaning dishes food ect

He expected me to just hand over my money because I struggled with jobs

He constantly guilt tripped me for struggling with jobs

He hurt me, twice accident or not.

He punched walls and threw things when angry

He was mean to animals when they upset him

He never rubbed or scratched my back or anything affectionate like that, I always had to do it to him

He never cleaned

He resented me and it showed

He always had to disagree with me

He called me stupid

He said all the times he begged for me back were lies, just to get me to come back

He didn't accept me for who I am

He constantly joked whenever I tried to seriously talk to him

He alienated me from my friends

He bossed me around

He got mad if I looked at his phone, but he grabbed my phone and did whatever he wanted without asking

He wasn't romantic, at all

He talked to R when we first started dating, and probably still does

Condoms went missing

He couldn't ever constructively handle disagreements, ever

He could get away with stuff that I would never be able to get away with

Can't sleep. It's 6:30 am where I'm at. I might just sleep the day away. Still feels like one big, numb, surreal dream. I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me, I've barely cried.

Or maybe Carrie Bradshaw is right. "Your only allotted a certain number of tears for one man."

Ugh. Dreading the day when this all really, truly hits me.

My dads driving my truck and leaving his here so if my ex drives by he won't think I'm home. That makes me feel a little better.

Still worrying about how he's handling all this.

Watching the new breaking bad. Me and my ex used to watch it together. It reminds me of him. Ugh.

The guilt is starting to creep in again. I was doing good for a few hours too. I won't wallow in it, I will let it come and go as it pleases. I keep saying to myself, this is the right decision, whenever a negative thought comes.

Had two "Aha" moments within a few minutes of each other.

I had a pop, and had Drunk about 2/3 of it. As my dad was getting up to go to the kitchen, I asked him if he could grab me another one. He said yeah, and grabbed my old pop for me. I realized if that would've been my bf, I would've gotten an earful about how "wasteful" I am and would be basically forced to finish it. Basically treated like a child.

The next aha moment. I accidentally spilt some pop. I automatically flinched and prepared for getting yelled at, out of reflex. My dad gave me a weird look, I said "if Dom was around I would've gotten yelled at for being clumsy."

Wow. I really didn't realize how much it changed me.

Woke up feeling fine. Not extremely happy or anything, just fine. Getting a puppy soon. Looking forward to that.

I'm also dying my hair a bunch of crazy colors soon, something I've been wanting to do for awhile but never did because my ex said it would look "trashy".

Feeling good. Going to a fair Thursday with my dad, his gf, and the kids.

Getting my hair done Wednesday.

Grocery shopping tomorrow.

Staying busy is a must.

Starting to get a bit bored. I need to make some plans with my friends soon.

Staying up all night/day to reset my sleeping schedule. I've been staying up till 6 am, and sleeping till 3-4 pm. No bueno.

Looooots of drama today. He came by and my parents flipped. I told him why I ended it, and asked him to leave.

I then had to call him (blocked, obviously i dont want him to have my number) to discuss gettin some of my important stuff I stupidly forgot, and he gave me an earful.

Wow. If he really misses me that much you'd think he realize his actions.

I find myself whilst fully thinking of a day when he finally changes, and we reunite, closer than ever.

I know that will never happen tho.

A sad sad thought.

Feeling better.

My dad went to get my stuff for

Me. I have my ferret back.

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a little sad, but it's nothing overwhelming, thankfully.

My old friend S came over today. I missed her. She's engaged!

Today was good. Got my nails done. Feeling pretty for once.

Hopefully all my days will be like this one.