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For all you 'shy' guys out there......


unsureinlove

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SO, this is for all of you so-called shy guys/men out there.

 

I have read many times that the ‘shy’ guy is just misunderstood and he just has trouble talking to the girl/women he would like to get to know. He fears being rejected or maybe saying something stupid that would turn the woman off….blah….blah….blah! Don’t you think women have the same issue?

 

I have to say that I come to realize the ‘shy’ guy is the biggest game player out there! I bet you’re asking yourself “why”. With an outgoing man or even a ‘player’ a woman pretty much knows where she stands with him. He talks to her. A-ha…yes that’s all it takes sometimes is a conversation. A confident guy also shows his interest using body language, which most intelligent women can pick up on even if it’s ‘cheesy’.

 

Now, with a shy guy it seems he likes to take his time, not that there’s anything wrong with taking ones time to get to know someone, but come on this is why you will NEVER get the girl! You cannot expect a woman to know you are into her when you only give her crumbs to go on. Yes I realize that not all stares, bumping into each other or even conversations mean that the guy what’s anything more than a friendship, but I’m intelligent enough to know when someone (even a shy guy) is interested. And yes it took me some time to figure it out.

 

For the guys who stare, show up in the place where your interest is, passes by her in the hallway and don’t smile or speak, walk away when she approaches you and wants to talk to you to let you know “hey, I’m interested in getting to know you too” don’t expect her to keep doing all the work!

 

Bottom line: If you’re interested, no matter how hard or uncomfortable it is, show her you want to get to know her. If you can’t do that for whatever reason….leave her alone! Don’t look at her, don’t show up where she is than act like she doesn’t exist, don’t talk to her one minute and ignore her the next….she deserves better!

 

Ladies, don’t settle for less than you deserve either, there are other guys out there that are willing and able to show you how they feel about you without you having to guess every other minute as to whether “does he or doesn’t he”.

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are you have issues with a particular shy guy?

 

I have had some confusing encounters with shy men over the years, and being formerly shy myself made many encounters all the worse. So I understand some of the things you wrote in your post.

 

Remember though that shyness is something that can be absolutely debilitating for many people, and I can only imagine the pressure for men, and especially for shy men, to be the traditional "aggressor" in the dating dance. I don't think shy men are trying to confuse girls on purpose (I sort of felt a hint of blame and frustration in your post), but just that they can't break through their own wall to show how they really feel.

 

I do sympathize with shy men, but I can not date a man that is too shy to talk to me in a meaningful way. If a guy is shy, but can break through it and loosen up enough to make the effort to get to know me than that's perfect, I love shy guys that are like this and I find most shy behaviour endearing. But, I have had encounters with shy men where they were almost paralyzed with anxiety...I can't deal with that, it tells me that he has a ways to go in terms of his own personal development before we would be able to exhibit a level of communication that I need to feel comfortable.

 

After having dealt with a weird shy guy situation about a year ago, I now have adopted the mindset that when a man is doing these things:

 

"For the guys who stare, show up in the place where your interest is, passes by her in the hallway and don’t smile or speak, walk away when she approaches you and wants to talk to you to let you know “hey, I’m interested in getting to know you too” don’t expect her to keep doing all the work!"

 

He is likely not all that into me. Maybe he actually is, but there is no attempt here at two-way, meaningful communication despite my efforts, so he is either not into me, or is not at a point where he can be boyfriend material for me. I just let it go. This mindset has been very helpfull for too let go situations and encounters that are frustrating and confusing. I don't like complicated interactions, so this is the simplest way for me to regain my peace of mind in situations like these, and has prevented me from not wasting my time wondering "does he/doesn't he", I just assume he doesn't and move on.

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Yes the argument can be made for both sides. Men have always had the majority of pressure placed on them during the courting phase of a relationship, but if we look at the last, IDK, say 20 or 30 years, women have become more assertive in asking guys out and some even being the ones doing the active pursuing. As a shy woman who has gained some confidence over the years but who, at her core is pretty shy, I still depend a great deal on someone I like to give me some hard hitting evidence that he's into me. I still believe that at our most basic level, the man should do the pursuing especially at the beginning of the relationship, these are things hardwired into us that would come back if we could just be pried away from our televisions and pop music. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that women are strong and assertive, but I just think in a romantic relationship, the man should take the lead.

I hate having to constantly read a man's mind, or pick up some random clue or body sweep. It's like is he looking at me because he likes me or is he looking at me because he's just a guy looking at a woman's body? Ultimately, it does come down to respect and maturity. If he has the emotional maturity to be with you, and he does like you then yes he will find a way to ask you out. And, if he is just playing at being shy to just to lure you in, then that's just manipulative, disrespectful and immature. Demand respect by not putting up with this kind of nonsense!

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I am in agreement here too, if they can't meet you half way, in any shape or form, there are some seriously deep seated issues that make them non-relationship material.

 

It's a difficult game, because a lot of shy guys (maybe they don't realise they're doing this) hook women in because they appear mysterious - I don't think that they mean to be, they're just hiding how they feel. However, what essentially happens is that the woman in her own head starts to 'fill in the gaps' through the crumbs that are dropped, and the shy guy can then become far more attractive because of the fantasy the woman has formed.

 

This embeds a false premise that a lot of women fall into, so they keep pursuing, get hung up on the guy, get completely confused and bewildered by the behaviour, and are unable to move on from a guy who will NEVER be able to make a move.

 

In a very weird and surreal way, with guys of this nature, the best thing to do is to go NC. The point is to detach from the fantasy male you have concocted in your head, because it is a fantasy. The guy won't let you know who he is, and all that you have is conjecture and a few longing glances.

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And, if he is just playing at being shy to just to lure you in, then that's just manipulative, disrespectful and immature. Demand respect by not putting up with this kind of nonsense!

 

Maybe it's just my "people are inherently good" hippie mentality, but I think in the majority of these shy-guy situations, they are not trying to lure you in to be manipulative on purpose... They just can't get it together you know? One of my exes took 3 months to ask me out, he was shy. He aid to me that he saw me everyday, and everyday he would want to come and get my number, but there such fear and anxiety inside him that all he could do was stare at me and try to stand close to me, but he couldn't muster the courage to talk to me and he would practically beat himself up for it...for 3 months. He eventually did come and talk to me. But when he explained this whole process to me, my heart went out to the guy you know? like, geez the amount of pressure he put on himself must have been insane...

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In a very weird and surreal way, with guys of this nature, the best thing to do is to go NC. The point is to detach from the fantasy male you have concocted in your head, because it is a fantasy. The guy won't let you know who he is, and all that you have is conjecture and a few longing glances.

 

absolutely, agree 100%. The thing is that YOU get to make the choice. I figure why wait for the bread crumbs, life's too short, I get to stop interacting and kill it. My choice.

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Totally, I'm with you on the hippy love is all around thing, I don't think for a minute that it's done maliciously (in the majority of cases) - I just don't think that they realise that they're playing a game because they're so wrapped up in their own sh*t.

 

Either way - what kind of communication are you going to get in the relationship assuming some miracle happens and you actually get to go out with them?! It would make me worry about what they were keeping in their head and not talking to you about because of their anxieties, which would lead to more complications.

 

Thing is, shy guys out there, everyone has weaknesses, everyone has insecurities, and if you try and hide them it makes you appear inhuman - who can connect with that?! Even if you're nervous, blabbering, whatever, it's always better out than in and you'll find most people are kind and have felt much the same as you do right now, but all you have to do is smile and say 'how YOU doin?'

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Thing is, shy guys out there, everyone has weaknesses, everyone has insecurities, and if you try and hide them it makes you appear inhuman - who can connect with that?! Even if you're nervous, blabbering, whatever, it's always better out than in and you'll find most people are kind and have felt much the same as you do right now, but all you have to do is smile and say 'how YOU doin?'

 

I love the shy guys that can own it. Oh, I melt when a guy stammers, and blushing is hands-down the most endearing thing ever

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Oh totally, makes you go all gooey inside!! I don't like it much when they run out of the room though, I've had that happen before, so frustrating. Either that or I had the scariest booger known to man.

 

I like the whole: talking a bit, looking at the floor, talking a bit, looking at the floor routine. Lush.

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Oh totally, makes you go all gooey inside!! I don't like it much when they run out of the room though, I've had that happen before, so frustrating. Either that or I had the scariest booger known to man.

 

I like the whole: talking a bit, looking at the floor, talking a bit, looking at the floor routine. Lush.

 

ya have had a few runners too, lol. Made me feel like I was a leper.

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lol it's too bad that chasing after them might have made you seem too aggressive. I think shy girls do the same things like blushing, looking at the ground, running away from you, etc. The running away part especially make it hard to talk to them. The only difference is there is no pressure on them to pursue the guy.

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The co-worker at work says im a player, and around her i tend to get a bit intimidated (which she says is shy- which i dont agree with, she says all this in front of people, alone it would be different). If i am a player or not (though my fans on here say i am), it still an eye-opener that i never really showed much aggression or interest in her for her to come up with the conclusion of me being a player (and i suspect she is a player). She would call me baby, and i would turn away and walk into my office, tell me she loves me and laughs while i drink a cup of coffee and hide my laugh, calls my office phone to chat, and tries to sneak into my office. All the while i walk away from her, avoid certain floors shes at, avoid conversations or looking at her (she keeps telling me, "look at me!").

 

And technically, anyone can be a player. A real player is a selfish person, thats the trait they need, not confidence or charisma, its being selfish, because they can play you for your body and/or your time and energy.

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Wow, it's been a long time since I felt this amount of emotions at once.

Anger, Frustration, Sadness, Despair....

 

Well done OP

 

These are all the emotions the unwitting recipient of shy men feels too - runs both ways!!

 

The thing is, the situation is just as debilitating for us as it is for the shy guy - if we initiate conversation, and the guy won't reciprocate or runs away as fast as possible, if we invite the guy to group outings and you look terrified and come up with a lame excuse, if he just avoids any sort of connection at all, how on earth can anything happen?! I've had this happen to me (and although I'm naturally shy too I did at least try something), and I've seen it happen a lot to women I know too, and it does really screw with your head.

 

Given the fact that the poor fella runs, you'd think, no interest right? But you still get the longing stares, the hanging round (even though not talking), all the body language and other antics that go along with these kind of situations, and this is what REALLY easily keeps you hooked in, hoping that you might be able to get to know them.

 

If there's no way forward you just have to find your way out sometimes.

 

Ps. if that's your actual pic, you've nothing to be shy about - uber-cute!

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I believe that people are inherently good as well and I have met more than my fair share of shy men. There is something very alluring about them, there is o question. That could be because I am so shy myself that I just automatically attract the same type. My point is that IF they are pretending to be shy as unsureinlove alluded to in her original post that being a shy guy was the "biggest game player out there" , why even waste your time on someone so manipulative? If someone is genuinely shy, it can be endearing only to a certain point, IMO.

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I see I have some great responses from the female perspective…..how about the ‘shy’ guys? Where are you?

 

In trying to explain why I feel the shy guy is more of a game player vs. a guy who is comfortable with letting a woman/girl know he is interested in getting to know her and maybe asking her out is that the shy guy goes back and forth.

 

For example, ‘my’ shy guy will look at me when he thinks I’m not looking and turn his head if I catch him like nothing happened (ps. we sit near each other). He will sit where he can see me, but not say a word. He sometimes shows up where I am and out of the blue say hi and ask me how I am and the next few weeks…..nothing….like I don’t exist. THIS is the behavior that is most frustrating and it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with ME! NO…..there is NOTHING wrong with me and I have let this person make me feel like there is.

 

OK…I know some can argue that maybe “he’s just not that into you”. Well I can ask than why bother to go through all that crap? Believe me there are more situations than the ones I’ve mentioned here so I know my guy is/was at some point interested. I tried to show him that I was interested in getting to know him in a slow steady pace and I get nothing. So I feel being the ‘pursuer’ is out of the question.

 

Well…I feel I’m a great person to get to know and if he doesn’t want to know me…that’s fine there are other fish in the sea that will. After all…we ladies deserve someone who will put forth a little effort.

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I have been in this situation too, and i totally agree that if you are expanding effort on this guy and he is being incredibly inconsistent then you need to change that dynamic, because if you don't, he could likely go on forever. What I did, was simply avoid him. I no longer made any attempt to be friendly, and did not engage with him in any way other than strictly professional. I ignored his stares and avoided eye-contact. I also casually dated to help get my mind on other men. You do not need to let his actions affect you anymore. And no, there is nothing wrong with you.

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I have been in this situation too, and i totally agree that if you are expanding effort on this guy and he is being incredibly inconsistent then you need to change that dynamic, because if you don't, he could likely go on forever. What I did, was simply avoid him. I no longer made any attempt to be friendly, and did not engage with him in any way other than strictly professional. I ignored his stares and avoided eye-contact. I also casually dated to help get my mind on other men. You do not need to let his actions affect you anymore. And no, there is nothing wrong with you.

 

 

 

See I am trying to avoid any contact what-so-ever, but as I stated I sit right there next to him. We each have our own workspace/cubicle whatever you would like to call it, so I see him EVERY DAY….8 HOURS A DAY….5 DAYS A WEEK which makes it very uncomfortable for me.

 

Question….were you able to shake your crush/attraction for your shy guy?

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See I am trying to avoid any contact what-so-ever, but as I stated I sit right there next to him. We each have our own workspace/cubicle whatever you would like to call it, so I see him EVERY DAY….8 HOURS A DAY….5 DAYS A WEEK which makes it very uncomfortable for me.

 

Question….were you able to shake your crush/attraction for your shy guy?

 

Ya I get that it would be hard. It took a long time for me to get over it. It was a very strong crush, and his confusing behaviour made it worse because It was so inconsistent that when i would start to make myself get over him, he would pop-up and initiate a convo or give me some ridiculous longing stare and then i would be right back at square one again. Eventually he was was moved to a different branch of the company we worked for, and then I moved to a different city entirely. But before he left I was actively disassociating myself from him, i stopped all interaction and eye contact, just a quick "hello" with a quick glance, usually not in his eyes (i would look at his nose or mouth very briefly---I had to stop eye contact because his eyes made me melt).

 

But ya, even after he left, I still thought of him, it eventually faded, but I think it would have taken a long time for it to fade if we were still working together.

 

Can you move your desk?

 

I also highly recommend dating around, get other en on your mind, this will help and you may meet someone who is capable of handling a convo with you.

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I appreciate your story; I’m glad to see I’m not alone. This too is a strong crush/attraction and I don’t even know where it came from. I feel I’m too old for this stuff (lets’ just say over 30) and he’s not even my type. One day I just noticed him starring at me, didn’t give it much thought until he started doing other little things, just not all at once….no…this has been a slowwwww moving thing. But, even now I’m not sure what it all means because it/he is so confusing with his inconsistency. I never encounter such a shy person before so I’m not sure how to feel. One day I think I got him figured out…”he likes me”…..the next…..”he hates me”.

 

I thought about asking if I could move to another cubicle and I just may have to do that.

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