"Confused" is an understatement

So before I get to the current issue, I think a bit of background information is called for. My ex and I broke up in the spring of 2012 after a 2+ year long relationship. Though the relationship itself was amazing, the breakup was about as ugly as they come. Since then, we have gone through periods of not speaking, or being close again, or hooking up, but something else seems to drive us in opposite directions again. At this point, we have both dated and been with other people, and for the most part have moved on.

Recently, she and I came back into contact. I had just gone through a bit of an ugly breakup (mostly because my significant other had decided to cheat on me and become hateful), so I reached out and asked my ex for advice on if there was anything I consistently do wrong in relationships. It wasnt a question born out of self pity, I simply wanted to know the answer to better myself. She answered my question in a fairly sweet and heartfelt way, and I figured we would leave it at that.

Fast forward to that night, she asks me to meet her at a bar. We end up catching up on eachothers lives (we hadnt spoken in about 6 months), and eventually the conversation becomes a heartfelt and tearful discussion about a relative of hers that had passed away shortly after we broke up, an event I supported her through. Then the subject turns to us.

We admit that we keep finding our way back to eachother even though we doubt it would ever work, we still know eachother better than anyone else, and we still, in a way, love eachother (she said that first). We go back to her place and even though she says no sex, since I cant just call her after 6 months and get laid, we end up messing around a bit, with her doing a few of the sexual things she knew I specifically liked, though she refused to kiss me the entire time.

Over the next couple days she tells me that she doesnt think we can be friends without hooking up, though she isnt sure if thats a bad thing, and i find out that she still wears the shirts she has stolen from me over the years and still sleeps with the stuffed animal i got her when we were dating.

Then i find out on my own that she has a boyfriend.

When confronted about this, she doesnt deny it, but says what happened wasnt cheating. She also says shes really into him, hes a great guy, and doesnt plan on being single again. Since that conversation she seems a lot less willing to talk to me.

My question is what are her motives? Does anyone have any insight on whats going on in her head?

Not trying to be super creepy or anything.. But what kind of sexual things can she possibly do if it doesn't involve touching you in anyway and it's not cheating?

I don't understand her logic. Sounds like the typical I love you and want to keep you in my life situation. You spend a good time together and the night or events fuel off of that and it leads to your situation.. Once that adrenaline goes away it's usually followed by regret. I myself experienced the same thing except we did have sex and the next morning it was like nothing had happened.

The friends that ive told about this have all stated that what she did was definitely cheating. That being said, her logic is that its not wrong because shes a bartender and has guys trying to grope her or smack her ass all the time, and her boyfriend doesnt mind and wouldnt stand in the way of her having fun.

A few days ago she said that she was really into this guy and doesnt ever see it ending, even though theyve been dating for maybe 2 months.

So do you think it was just a caught up in the moment one time deal? Or is there something deeper going on?

I'm honestly just as lost as you are when it comes to ex's (See my thread just bellow yours).

Considering you're talking about a similiar experience that I had happen I'd say shes serious... My EX and I had the exact same situation happen basically , although she wasn't officially with the guy at the time she ended up getting with him in the end. I aswell thought it men't something and that perhaps things were going to change.. but nope.

Funny thing is, I'm not really all that broken up about this. Sure, I'm a bit jealous, and I'll probably always love this girl in some way, but I think what I'm feeling is a mixture of intense confusion and lust. Can anyone give any insight on what's going through this girl's mind? Me and Darrowz are at a loss XD

IMO she wanted to rekindle a bit of fun from her past with you therefore by not kissing you and having full blown sex she can justify in her own mind that she has not cheated on her current BF (although she has) and to save herself from feeling guilty. This is also why she chose not to inform you that she has a boyfriend and made the excuse of having no contact and then expecting to get laid.

This girl obviously still holds feelings for you if she sleeps with the teddy bear you gave her and wears the shirts of yours. You texting her has reignited the feelings she has for you hence her wanting to meet up however she knew it would be wrong given her current situation of having a BF. She should have left it at that but instead she decided to meet you and her feelings for you got the better of her so in order to hook up with you guilt free she did everything bar kiss and sleep with you. This girl does not want a relationship with you but clearly still holds strong feelings for you.

I suggest that you stay clear of each other as this will only lead to you both hooking up behind her BF's back as it is clear she wants to remain in a relationship with her current BF. Dont be sucked into this messy cycle of cheating.

Darrowz

Just read your post and OMG how are you still thinking straight? I know this will be hard to hear but you need to cut that girl out of your life before you lose your sanity. One of the questions you ask is why is she with a total loser when you have been so good to her? The answer to this is because that total loser has probably little self confidence and respect for himself and allows her to go drinking around bars, sleeping with other men and wont question her and stand up to her. You confronted her about her problems and tried to get her to sort herself out which she didnt want to do. In time she will realise what she has lost but by then i hope you will have moved on to someone who will appreciate you.

She came to you as a rebound thing after being very young and coming out of a 3 year relationship which was probably her first major love and her heart was broken and she felt like she needed a man to help her heal. However she is the kind of girl who needs a man constant in her life but has found that she enjoys partying, getting drunk an the attention of other men (her current BF allows her to do this all the time) whilst keeping him as her BF. You are the man she knows is the better BF but will not allow her to continue this behaviour so she will not have a relationship with you.

The main issue with your dilemma is that she is fully aware of your feelings for her so she continually reels you back in so that you continue these feelings for her and you will be waiting for when she is ready to settle down. Many people have posted on your wall saying that this girl doesnt know what she wants however i beg to disagree she is not stupid at all she knows your a good thing and thats why she is scared of losing you completely and keeps you at arms length so you are there ready and waiting for her when she is ready to settle. You are worth so much more than this. I know you have updated on how she is beginning to change but you have already invested so much wasted time on this girl do yourself a favour and find someone who loves you for you and wants you in the here and know and hasnt and wouldnt want to cause you so much pain.

I sincerely believe that you are right on pretty much all accounts. I also think Darrowz and I are in very similar situations, as I think my ex still wants to party and have fun, but claims that she is very attached to the guy she's with. Darrowz, I wish I could buy you a beer, brohim.

There is one horrible problem with staying clear of my ex; I want her BAD. I feel awful about what happened, but my desire for phenomenal sex is clashing with my sense of morality. I don't want her to cheat. But still...

I feel like a pretty trashy person for admitting that.

It's not trashy Hun she is the trashy one for messing with your emotions. If she felt anything decent for you she would know what she has done to she and would feel bitter remorse.

She won't have full sex with you because she is scared of the immense guilt she will feel for her new BF which I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear but rings true IMO anyway that she cares for him more at this moment in time.