Macabre situation?

Hi all,

I'm not quite sure where to start?

Im a gay male that has been dating a guy for the past 4 years.

He's loving caring funny and at the best of times a generally "good person".

However at times probably a little more than often lately he can be quite nasty withdrawn and extremely stand offish.

Of course over the duration of our time together he has opened up about his childhood which I believe has a profound affect on anybody's up bringing.

He also comes from a prior heterosexual relationship with 3 of his own children. He decided it was time to be honest with himself and tell his former wife the "truth" so in that he left. He maintains a relationship with his children but its not the healthiest kind as he is somewhat torn about loving being loved etc as you will see as this unfolds...

The relationship I've witnessed he has with his folks is somewhat disturbing to me especially since knowing what they have put him through and continue to do.

Ok here goes.....

When he was a young boy around the age 8 or so his (uncle) mothers brother had raped him and abused him sexually and butted out cigarettes on his body.

When he had finally approached his mother of his uncles doings she was blatantly in denial about this continually telling him "You're making it all up".

He would be forced at Christmas lunches to sit opposite his uncle whilst his uncle would fondle him from under the table. (the abuse continued for quite awhile with rewards of candy)

Finally his father believed him and they proceeded to take the uncle to court which was settled with a very small fee.

Next,

His mother had noticed that her son was quite at peace and happy to make friends with the local priest.

He had told me that he was in a full swing relationship with the priest for quite some years. The priest was in his mid to late 50's and he was 10 at the time.

He would stay at the priests house most weekends from friday till sunday afternoons where he would return home.

His mother had clearly put 2 and 2 together and knew of this relationship yet never tried to put a stop to it.

The reason he knew his mother knew about this was because she would literally send him over to the priests house and ask of her son to ask for money from the priest to assist in paying for their bills at home etc. (she would later tell me that he was in this situation when I confronted her about his moods etc)

So she clearly knew the whole time!

So she basically pimped her son out to a priest for money......

I personally find it very difficult to sit in the same room with this woman.

And also with his father. His father used to tie him up with the garden hose and literally hit him like he would hit a full grown man.

His mother had also taken a hot iron and scolded it over his hands when he was annoying her one afternoon. Another time she literally threw him into the corner of a bed which has affected his posture to this day as he landed bang smack on his lower back.

He also has 3 other siblings and another 3 that his parents gave up.

His parents doted on his other 2 siblings and still do to this day, yet for him he never ever gets a gift nor the appreciation for anything he does for them to this day. At one point in time his folks had moved him out of the house and into a bird avery... yes a bird avery whilst the other siblings slept comfortably in the house he was stuck outside in a cold tin shed with a bed in it.

His mother denied this when he asked her "mother why did you allow me to stay in a bird avery outside in the cold"?

She replied "You don't know what you're talking about your'e fkn nuts"!

His father than stepped in and said "No love, he did live in the avery"...

And she just then went "oh ok I don't remember"...

I have also heard his own mother with my own ears tell him how horrible the gift he recently bought for her from a trip back from over seas was.

She clearly said "Don't buy me any ugly gifts like that again"

I was horrified.... So you get the picture of what this woman is like.

The only reason I speak to these people myself is for his sake..

He knows I find it difficult to be n the same room as them but I just do it for him as he asked me to not let what he has told me affect mine and his parents relationship. However they have done and said some evil things to me which were very un called for. Yet he says to me "what they did to me has absolutely nothing to do with you!" He doesnt quite understand the love I have for him and how it does affect me.. But I totally respect what he is trying to say in this.

He has a huge tendency to tell lies. As I'm sure thats just become his natural mechanism to deal with life in general due to his up bringing.

He finds it extremely difficult to open up and express whats going on within himself. He distorts the facts and slants the truth almost all the time.

(Something his mother does to this day)

He has recognised that he does this and is willing to seek some help but believes that they cannot do anything due to the fact that as a child he had

seen multiple psychologists and "it just never worked"

His parents had also placed him into a boys home for what his mother said only 4 weeks.. But according to him it was 2 years. (thats when he started a relationship with the boy scout leader who was a young adult whilst he was still a child) So again an adult taking advantage of a child....

Theres a WHOLE lot more that has gone on n his life and unfortunately it has affected and still is our relationship. I believe until he does get some help and the required tools to deal with all this and to stop projecting his negativity onto me then only then will things get better for him and the both of us.

I try my hardest to support him and manage his mood swings which can get way out of control. But i have come to my final cross roads with him and he is staying elsewhere for the time being and I really need him to get some help and for myself to have the space I require to decide if I can take him back..

Why would I bother going through all this for this man you think?

Because deep down inside I know he is such an amazing loving soul that is yearning for someone to just love him.

And I do love him.

Thanks for reading.

I am sorry but I couldn't read the entire post. I find it very disturbing that your partner was basically tortured as a child between his uncle and then a priest, and the ugly nature of his mother, pimping him out. This so sick and damaging to a child.

The only thing that you can help these moods swings is therapy but it is not a 100% cure.

I am sorry that you are going through this but more troubling for your partner's mental health. There is nothing that you can do to fix the past. You can only help him by encouraging him and being there for his toughest moments in life. However, if he doesn't want to get help nor if he doesn't see that his upbringing was toxic then there is no hope that your support will do any good.

He needs therapy. Good luck to you ....

....and by the way, just because he tried therapy earlier in life and it didn't work doesn't mean that it won't help now.

If he things that nothing can help his situation then I would advise you to jump ship and start distancing yourself from him. You will eventually get drawn into this black hole which is his life and it will suck you in and destroy you.

You need to keep your sanity in order to be able to help him.

....and by the way, just because he tried therapy earlier in life and it didn't work doesn't mean that it won't help now.

 

If he things that nothing can help his situation then I would advise you to jump ship and start distancing yourself from him. You will eventually get drawn into this black hole which is his life and it will suck you in and destroy you.

 

You need to keep your sanity in order to be able to help him.

Thanks for your reply.

And yes you're 100% correct. That is why I am waiting to let him get the help he needs and distancing myself.

I would encourage him to try therapy again. Not every therapist is a good fit for every person. It might take some time to find the right one. Maybe his doctor can give him a referral for a therapist with experience in childhood trauma. Hopefully with more therapy he can make improvements and consider removing him family from his life, as they obviously have never been concerned about what is in his best interest.

His mother should be in jail for knowingly continuing to send him off with a child molestor. Insane.