BF is stressed, busy, distant. How do I deal?!

My bf of 2 years is going through a tough period this summer. He lives about 45 minutes away from me (driving distance each way). He works every day, manual labor, helping his dad finish their house while he has summer holidays. As a result he has been pretty busy and he was only able to spend the weekends with me (all of Sat, Sun including nights). However, the last two weeks of the summer (this week and last week) I told him to go ahead and work on his house because he started classes next week, so he needed to get in as much work as possible before then. As a result I have seen him maybe 1 night each week in the last two weeks. This has been really rough on me. For a few reasons ...

1) We talk maybe 1x a day on the phone, or at least we exchange 1-2 sweet texts, I let him initiate that.

2) After he finishes work at home, its evening and his cousins who live pretty close by to him show up and ask him to hang out. They do pretty regular guy stuff ... video games, golf range, movies, car stuff. Its my bf way to wind down. Plus his cousins pick him up, he doesnt need to drive anywhere. And they do mostly free activities. Money is very very tight, if not nonexistent sometimes, for my bf.

3) During the week he sees his cousins maybe 4-5x a week in the evenings. Either he picks up extra work with them for cash, or they hang out.

4) I get jealous a bit that he is able to hang out with them so much. I mean my thoughts are when he has a free night, why cant he ask to hang out with me?? The last two weeks I have only been getting 1 night with him! His cousins get 4-5 nights! While I understand driving 45 mins to me and driving back the next morning is a lot of time and money, could he not ask me to come see him?? (And I have suggested this, he just hasnt brought up the idea).

I brought this up to him and he admitted he has been seeing them more than me, but he said once school starts he would not be able to hang out with them much (his cousins dont go to school, in fact they do NOTHING all day long and they are in their 20s). He also said since he will be at my house more (since his college is so close to my place), he will get to see me during the week more often. During the school year last year he stayed at my place 5-6x a week because his school is 5-10mins away from my place.

I know he loves me and is dedicated to me and is going through an awful, depressing period, but to say that he will get to see me more because school starts and he will be at my place more really hurt me! I felt like a convenience for him! So because you have to be in my area you will be seeing more of me and less of your cousins?? I am not and will not be his convenience!! I am sure he did not mean it that way, but it sure as hell felt that way. Just because he is going through a tough time does not mean our relationship dances to his convenience. People have argued, but he gave up all his weekends this whole summer to spend with you, so he did make an effort to give you as much time as he could.

Honestly, I am confused. I hear all this, I see all that he does and doesnt do and I dont know if feeling like a convenience, feeling "used" is a harsh way to explain what he is doing. What more can I expect of him? He needs time away and space and time to spend with his cousins, I get it. But 4-5x a week?? Just because you wont see them much during the school year?? Is it my fault you dont make the effort to see them?? Sigh. Please advise!

I'm a little confused as to why you told him to go ahead and work on the house as much as possible, and are feeling neglected now he's doing just that. It also sounds as though he's trying to earn as much money as possible in the time available and, as you say, it's his way of winding down.

Was telling him to go ahead and spend the weekends on the house actually a bit of a test, and you hoped he'd decline?

If I've read your post correctly, it also seems his classes start next week, and then you'll be together most of the week - but then you'll feel used? It just sounds as though he gets very focused on whatever he's doing at the time - whether school or the building project - and is a bit blinkered in that respect. It doesn't have anything to do with either his feelings for you, or for his cousins.

Do you have friends or interests, and a full life, outside the relationship? You haven't mentioned anything at all about what you've been doing during this time, but I'm guessing that he's the major source of good things in your life and you've been feeling pretty bereft without him - and are now feeling angry. Unfortunately, this is more likely to drive him away than bring you together. Rather than looking at him, at what he does and doesn't do, and taking it personally - look at your own life and how you can make things better and more fulfilling for yourself, regardless of him.

The statement

Just because he is going through a tough time does not mean our relationship dances to his convenience.

bears closer scrutiny. He hasn't been off partying and having a good time while you're being used as a booty call. He's been working hard physically. I don't know if you've ever done a particularly physical job, but I have - and it's great to have unpressured winding down time afterwards. He's not expecting you to 'dance to his convenience'. He's just taken you at your word - and it was your idea to stop getting together at the weekends.

I think ^^^ nailed it. Driving an hour and a half to spend the night with you right now (2 weeks), when you gave him the pass...and you are trying to make yourself out to be a "convenience"? He is focused, he is responsible and he is unwinding before another school year starts.

Take a giant step back, a big breath....and put on your big girl pants. He is doing all he can do.

a. You kind of hit everything right on point lol. In the last two years he did become my everything, we have spent a lot of time together, almost too much lol. I met him within 6 months of moving alone to a new state, no friends or anything. I moved for grad school. So I never really had the chance to establish myself here. Ever since he started pulling away this summer I have begun to look at myself and find new friends, hobbies, make routines, get out of my comfort zone. I don’t have any family here, they have all moved away abroad back home or to the East coast. I have major issues with loneliness but I know he is not responsible in filling that void. I KNOW THAT lol.

Yes, I did give him the weekends, it was my idea because two days is about 16 hours of work he could fit in and that would have tremendously helped him finish as much as he can before classes begin next week. What made me feel neglected was the fact that it seemed like he took those days and assumed we would just hang out whenever he could. He made no effort to say, hey because I am working weekends for two weeks, how about we meet two weeknights. Or I come over during the evening on the weekend? Instead, because of the 45 min drive and whatever else excuse he has, he hangs out with his cousins when he is done with work. His thoughts towards maybe asking me to hang out are very few. This does not mean he doesn’t call or text, he does at the end of the day to ask how I am. But he will also say, oh I am about to go to the movies with my cousin. Why am I not an option for him to wind down with? And even if he sees it as, oh I will see a lot of her once classes start, so let me hang out with the cousins for now, well isn’t that just a matter of convenience? That I am going to be available for him when it is easy for him to come over. That mentality is what I fear is behind all of this and I don’t like it. Then again, this may not be true. But how do I approach something like this? Just give him space?? He just doesn’t initiate hanging out and its hurtful.

(I should mention though to be fair, when he did come over every weekend we had a blast. He always planned out the weekends and was completely devoted to me). I just don’t know whats going on right now.

You are acting like a spoiled child. He cannot "hang" with you if it takes an hour and a half to be with you, plus gas money. He will be there in 2 weeks. You are not a convenience, he is talking to you every nite.

How do you approach it? When he gets back to school and in proximity to you, you tell him how proud you are at his dedication to his family and his goals, and you appreciate him more due to your time apart.

I think once you find your feet, and find other friends and activities, the issue of whether he initiates hanging out will become completely irrelevant...

He hasn't been off partying and having a good time while you're being used as a booty call. He's been working hard physically. I don't know if you've ever done a particularly physical job, but I have - and it's great to have unpressured winding down time afterwards. He's not expecting you to 'dance to his convenience'. He's just taken you at your word - and it was your idea to stop getting together at the weekends.

And yes, he does have a good time with his cousins lol. They do dumb guy stuff IMO (things that arent particularly smart but help boost his testosterone levels). Part of it is while he is out having fun, I am alone at home getting ready for the next day. I have a stable career and a good routine, but it does get lonely.

Honestly, if we lived together I wouldnt care if he went out every night. As long as at the end of the day he would be sleeping right next to me. Thats what I miss most.

You are making this all about you. It is a relationship. It is about compromise. And this difficult time will be over in 2 weeks. Fill your life.

You are lonely. You are not being ignored, cheated on or neglected.

You're right, he does communicate with me and is doing what he can. I wouldn't call myself spoiled though ... I think it stems from being "left behind" ... all my family moved away this summer at one stroke. It was a hard thing for me to deal with. My bf doesnt really know how to be there for me to help me through it because he has never been away from family or friends, he just cant relate. I havent flipped out on my bf or anything, these are more internal feelings I am struggling with right now. Humans have a need to feel wanted, and I am craving that more now than ever before.

Btw .. staying over at my place because the drive to school is 10 mins as opposed to an hour is something I encouraged him to do. I mean, it just makes sense. I am not some evil ice queen about to make him wake up at 5am so he can sit in traffic just to prove a point. I just dont want to be taken advantage of. I dont want the proximity of his school to my house to be the only reason he comes over.

He is not pulling away or "going through a tough time". "going through a tough time" usually means emotional stress. He is simply busy.

Also, it is extremely passive aggressive to go tell someone to not spend time with you and go do something else, and then to complain that they aren't spending time with you. Stop it.

What was the problem with you suggesting that he work on the house during the day on the weekend, but that you would come HIS WAY at night to spend time together with him and his cousins or with him alone? The road goes both ways. Or could you help him - paint a little bit?

Anway, I would not give the guy a hard time about this

He did not leave you behind, your family did.

He does want you.

You seem to offer things: take the next 2 weeks off from travel, stay at your place. And when he accepts your offer, you then turn it around and say he is taking advantage of you; making you a convenience.

You don't get it both ways!

He is not using you, he is not taking you for granted. It is not his fault that you don't have a fuller life. It is your responsibility to fill your life.

There is nothing in this entire post that even intimates that he does not value you and the relationship.

He is not pulling away or "going through a tough time". "going through a tough time" usually means emotional stress. What was the problem with you suggesting that he work on the house during the day on the weekend, but that you would come HIS WAY at night to spend time together with him and his cousins or with him alone? The road goes both ways. Or could you help him - paint a little bit?

He is depressed. It is fairly obvious when I am around him. He is struggling to finish in time, he is broke and picks up extra work with his cousins (I also loaned him $700 this summer to help him finish), his dad keeps complaining he is not finished yet, etc. I can see the change in his demeanor, he isnt happy with his place in life and I try to help out as much as I can. And his issues have affected us as a couple, even he can see that.

Also -- I did offer to drive to him and spend the evening with him. He never took me up on that offer. With regards to helping him, I have offered countless times. When it comes to the painting he says he will use my help but for plumbing, electrical, framing, he needs to do that himself.

He did not leave you behind, your family did.

He does want you.

You seem to offer things: take the next 2 weeks off from travel, stay at your place. And when he accepts your offer, you then turn it around and say he is taking advantage of you; making you a convenience.

 

You don't get it both ways!

 

He is not using you, he is not taking you for granted. It is not his fault that you don't have a fuller life. It is your responsibility to fill your life.

 

There is nothing in this entire post that even intimates that he does not value you and the relationship.

I am not saying he doesnt value me, in fact I did say I might be imagining things! He probably doesnt see it as a convenience. But that is what it FEELS like when he said, oh when school starts I will get to spend more time with you. Arent people supposed to do difficult things and compromise while in a relationship. I just want him to initiate more, thats all. I dont need to see him every day, I just wish he would take the first step like he used to.

You are imagining things. And if you cannot handle when your SO is stressed --- well, I guess you can't handle it.

And if you went to his place now....it would interfere with him working. You are talking about a few weeks, not him being deployed for 2 years.

I am willing to drive 45 mins to hang out with him for the evening AFTER he is done with work. If I am agreeable to that, then why is that never an option he considers? He would rather blow off steam with his cousins? I am not someone he can flip flop on like this. I give him TONS of space. Its kind of scary to me that it seems like he doesnt miss me, doesnt miss hanging out with me, etc. I am equally stressed at my job, dealing with being alone and finding a life, finishing my masters simultaneously. Is he there for me like I am there for him? Anything he stresses out about, I am right by his side. I deserve than in a partner too.

He is looking FORWARD to spending more time with you when he is done with this project, when school starts. There is nothing stopping you from meeting for dinner with him in his town after work one of these days. Just because he can't spend the weekend doesn't mean its not quality time. He has to stay near the project right now.

He doesn't miss you because he knows he will see you soon. Once he is back to school, his cousins might also return to schools in other states, etc.

If I am agreeable to that, then why is that never an option he considers?

I bet you are sitting at home hoping he suggests it. Why not say "hey, i have this great idea, why don't we all (him and cousins) go bowling/hit some balls/go surfing/whatever thursday night when I get off work". Whatever sounds like a relaxed, silly time. Or "there is this band playing in your town, what about we meet the cousins there?" show him it doesn't have to be one on one romantic time only.

He doesn't miss you because he knows he will see you soon. Once he is back to school, his cousins might also return to schools in other states, etc.

 

If I am agreeable to that, then why is that never an option he considers?

 

I bet you are sitting at home hoping he suggests it. Why not say "hey, i have this great idea, why don't we all (him and cousins) go bowling/hit some balls/go surfing/whatever thursday night when I get off work". Whatever sounds like a relaxed, silly time. Or "there is this band playing in your town, what about we meet the cousins there?" show him it doesn't have to be one on one romantic time only.

Ahh, if only it were that easy. Firstly, his cousins dont do anything all day. They are in their 20s, they dont work, they dont go to school. They just live off their parents right now and have fancy cars. My bf on the other hand works hard for every penny, drives a sh*tty car, has no money for basics like gas, food sometimes. So when my bf is in school (something his cousins dont find value in), he is super focused. He is a returning student and very driven, I am proud of him for that. But his cousins dont understand the need for him to study, make good grades, etc. Hence why he tends to ignore them during the academic year. Its almost like he lives two separate lives lol.

Second, I dont get along with his cousins. Not that we argue, but we have NOTHING IN COMMON. I support myself financially, work hard, study hard, and I am responsible. I am an intellectual, not to sound obnoxious, but all they talk about is s*it on eachother ... "ohh you had a date with her but didnt get in her ***** " etc. That is how they talk lol. Maybe thats how guys talk, I dont know. But I know my bf talks and acts differently when he is around them versus when he is with me. Its actually quite interesting to watch lol.

I dont mind that I dont fit in with them. I take it as a given, we are all at different places in our lives and my time is better spent with people I can have convos with. But my bf cant avoid them, after all they are family. At least he tried getting us all together lol.

That being said, yes I can initiate me going over. But why shoudl I every time?

That being said, yes I can initiate me going over. But why shoudl I every time?

because RIGHT NOW he is busy. These two weeks, he is helping dad finish the house. Thats what he is up to. Either you invite him over for a particular night (and ask a day or two in advance) or you suggest plans near his house. When he is done with this (and you said yourself for him to not see you on the weekend), then you will have him more to yourself. But its not fair to tell him not to spend time with you on the days he has set aside for you (the entire weekend) and expect him to take you on dates all the other days

I think this is his family and maybe once in a blue moon you try to get along with them. They are his family after all. They are not a waste of time. Do you all like action movies? Find something of interest or you can all tolerate and when they talk about something you don't care about, don't interject or just nod politely. Or learn to joke a little yourself "hey, i'm a lady here" with a big smile "do i really want to hear about another lady's hooha? eewww." part of being graceful in social situations is that not everyone is exactly like you and you can stand anyone for half an hour. Or say "boyfriend tells me that you guys used to do XX when you were younger. were you scared when you did it?"

right now, you can't have him alone - you rejected your chance to see him on the weekend. and you don't want to see him with his cousins and you can't have things both ways.

Anyways - if you won't do that - he knows you don't want to be with anyone else but just him solo so it makes it hard for him to have everyone around.

I can definitely try and hang out with them again. But I just feel that the conversation might be a little forced. Plus my bf is so different when he is with me vs when he is with them. He might not know who to be haha

Anyways, I planned a spur of the moment trip to see some extended family for the weekend and I fly out tomorrow. I told my bf today and he asked to see me and he was wondering why i was suddenly taking off. I said I just needed to get away from everything and be around some close knit loving people, at least for 2 days. He was willing to come over tonight even if that meant he would have to wake up at 4am to go back home to work. So instead I volunteered to go to him. He showed me the construction he is working on. It looks amazing. He is so talented for someone who has taught himself everything. I am truly amazed. I told him it looked awesome and that I was proud. He kept talking about how he was building a big closet so I could keep my stuff in there lol and thst he made a ledge for a candle holder so we could have romantic nights. It was very very sweet and he was really sincere. The whole room is my design actually, he consults me on every purchase, tile placement, colors, materials etc. I came home after spending an hour with him and I feel bad for putting this post up. I really don't know why I'm so selfish. He is dead tired and works hard. My loneliness is the root cause for a lot of this.

>>Part of it is while he is out having fun, I am alone at home getting ready for the next day.

this is the most important thing you can learn from this: your BF is not responsible for your happiness or feelings. YOU are responsible for them. Which means you need to go out and get a life outside of your BF such that is he's busy for a couple weekends, so what? It is not his job to babysit you and/or entertain you like you're a child and he's your Daddy.

There is frequent confusion especially among young girls about what their BF's role is in their lives. His job is not to fix your emotions or to have your entire world revolve around him such that if he has other things he wants to do (or needs to do) you fall apart if he's not there filling all your own empty spaces inside yourself. It is a HUGE mistake to make him the center of your world to the point that if he's not around you collapse and get resentful that he is not there. That's like a baby screaming when it's Mommy needs to leave the room.

So this is your issue to solve, not his. Rather than raining on his parade, you instead set goals for yourself to get other things in your life that are fun for you, other people, hobbies, etc. so that you are not totally dependent on him. Because the reality is you are not even married to him, and he could change his mind any minute and dump you and then you'll really be a mess. So you need to pull up your big girl panties and start relating to him as an equal and a partner and not as your Daddy/Mommy subsitute who must be in the room with you or life is not worth living.

So this is a warning sign to you, that it is time to get a life. And sometimes people start 'disappearing' like he does because they feel claustrophic with your demands to have him be the center of the universe and 'fix' your feelings. So don't cling to him or make him feel bad for enjoying his cousins for a few weekends in the summer. A 45 minute drive is long, and it's probably going to cost him $20 in gas which you say he doesn' thave. So cut him some slack and see if he does come back around when the summer ends. If not, then you have to accept he is losing interest in you, and perhaps because you are too clingy and demand his attention to fix your feelings when you need to stop that and learn to love your life whether he is in it or not, and take steps ON YOUR OWN to make that happen.

Thank you! Somehow your replies along with my visit to his place yesterday have together opened my eyes a bit to my behavior. I know he isn't responsible for making me happy or being there all the time whenever I need it. And I also realized that in long term relationships maybe the convenient things aren't always bad to do. If him staying at my place for school enables us to spend more time together and helps him out then why should I take that negatively? Sometimes you just have to take things in stride. Honestly I am more concerned about the nights I feel jealous and neglected when he chooses to hang out with his cousins rather than me. How do I deal in those moments so I don't take it out on hum by being distant or not responding to texts or complaining. I could keep myself busy by meeting people and doing activities but it would still be at the back of my mind. Any advice?

Take it out of the back of your mind, and throw it on the garbage heap. It isn't true.

There are supposed to be three entities in a relationship: YOU

You don't have to be joined at the hip --- love and connection doesn't disappear because you spend a nite apart.

When you are out doing other things ----be in the moment. Don't dwell on "what if".

You are not being neglected. It's all in your head.

Take it out of the back of your mind, and throw it on the garbage heap. It isn't true.

There are supposed to be three entities in a relationship: YOU

You don't have to be joined at the hip --- love and connection doesn't disappear because you spend a nite apart.

When you are out doing other things ----be in the moment. Don't dwell on "what if".

 

You are not being neglected. It's all in your head.

Thanks mhowe I will try my best Honestly it's easier said than done but it just means I need an outlet of my own, things that draw my concentration away from the negative.