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meoww

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I lack compassion for selfish or very flawed people. I wonder if my life would be better if I could see past those things. When I heard about cheating husbands or boyfriends, for example, on this site, I used to feel so much disgust and anger toward the cheater. But now, I don't even know, it's like I'm evolving past that. No matter how much people screw up they can't outrun death or their own unhappiness. Why would I even waste my time being unhappy or angry at people who are so primitive? I don't even think we are on the same spiritual path. Which brings me to the scariest part.

 

My negative life. I have never had a true friend. People only want things from me. I have never really been happy, ever, because I know that every single one of my relationships with others is based on some form of power. It is ing depressing as hell.

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I think more and more that somehow, there is a way out of this life if I become better. If I survive my life with integrity maybe I won't have to suffer anymore when I die someday. I'm so tired of the cycles of happiness and disappointment. It seems to be all I experience in life. The only solution I have found is just to be detached and skeptical of everything.

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I also learned a few things about love. Like that more and more I see just how much power guys have to control relationships, in some situations that I often find myself in. I struggle to find my own power and to discern how to negotiate.

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I fall in love so easily. I would easily change everything about myself to accommodate the person I love. Even now, as strong as I am, I'm still like that. I wish I had things I cared about more than that but I don't. It's not necessarily a great source of shame or resentment for me anymore. I know that I have my own strength and that I would only give my whole heart away to someone who is equally passionate. But im lonely

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If you just stop moving you feel how powerless and limited you are. That's why powerful people like to be busy all the time. They don't want to think about how little impact their lives really make.

 

Another thing that is really scary is that when you are still, you realize you just have to face your fears. But it's so much worse when you're the only one facing them.

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I'm going to make more of an effort to find a husband lol. I want that afterall, eventually. I've wanted that since I was like 12.

 

I realized that even if I don't think I'm falling for a guy, if I have sex with them then I suddenly get really attached if they treat me with respect. Then I get it in my head that maybe they are falling for me.

 

I make compromises easily. I don't expect much other than loyality and passion, the guy doesn't have to be smart, trendy, rich, or any of tbat. I think that's why I fall so easily,

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I used to think or feel guided by a higher power toward an end point. Now i havent necessarily lost faith but I no longer think my path is necessarily of my choosing. The strangest things have happened to me, i never could have anticipated any of this! I have to enjoy this crazy ride! It still makes no ing sense.

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Like for example i thought after that bad experience, i was like, the next guy i have sex with is going to be the one. I really believed that. And then a day later i literally forgot i had even had that revelation. So much for that.

 

I know in my heart he is not the one. Not because he's not good enough or because im not. our lives are just not connected somehow. But how the hell do i even know anything anymore?

 

Instead of going with my not so reliable intuition, im going to try to be more practical.

Like just logistically, tbat wouldnt work and i dont know where our lives are headed.

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Ugh I just can't get him off my mind!!! I'm so paranoid about being too specific on here but I want to vent. When he kissed me so unexpectedly on the bus like that I basically died. Is it possible he is just like that with a lot of girls? He put his hand on my leg and gave me the softest, slowest kiss like we were dating or something. Like you could just feel the other people on the bus wishing they were us. They thought we were in love.

 

I get soooo attached so quickly I had no idea. I will never know either. I'm sure I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. Obviously if he wanted to get to know me better I would have known. But my stupid heart doesn't even care what the truth is.

 

Now I'm not attracted to any guys that I'm normally attracted to. I just want to find a replacement for him.

 

If we had more time I would have been in love with him.

 

I have fallen hard 3 different times this week. To the point of secretly crying every time. What is going on? Who are all these potential boyfriends who keep breaking my heart?

 

What am I doing wrong? Well I know I've been acting too easy and not flirty enough

But that is different story.

 

He probably has forgotten about me already. And I'm freaking out. He made me feel so cared about so quickly. Like he would take such good care of me and make me breakfast

But no no no what am I saying

He talked way too much, and isn't a good listener. His style was ok but could be a little better. He was a good dancer. He looked really hot sometimes and kind of I don't know weird or something other times. He didnt like me anyway

Why I can't I just get that in my head!!

 

I need to see another hot guy ASAP so that I can forget about him.

I keep thinking about little things here and there.

I'm so sensitive

I hate it so much

I can't do this to myself unless I actually try to get a guy to really like me instead of acting like it's totally cool to just hook up

I didnt like him at first though

 

I literally thought there was no way I could fall for him

But then he did too many nice things and looked so cute in that outfit and he made me feel so good

It just happened

 

And now I'm alone

Heartbroken for the 3rd time this week.

 

I think if I keep getting this attached ill always act too guarded and that'll make me seem less attractive

So I need to let go of the need for intimacy for now.

It's going to hard somehow

Giving up on this fantasy when so recently it seemed like it was turning into a reality

 

But in order to be able to receive love the next time it comes around I want to be ready

That means I have to be whole

 

I have to be whole

Confident

Sensual

Open

Ready to accept the consequences of my actions

Willing to show myself more

Try to impress a little more

Try to be more fun to be around

And not be too ty

Although I read something good about that

 

The purpose of holding back sexually isn't to extract commitment but to give you time to observe your partner's character

 

And it's always a gamble

I just want him though

I just want things to be easy

And to find someone who'll kiss me like that on the street or on the bus, to show me interesting things, buy me dinner sometimes, have all that energy and passion for life and trying new things, someone that cares about their body and being healthy...but keeping this laid back mentality about it all. Fuuuuk I hate how I feel right now

I feel so lonely but that's not the issue. I feel hopeless

And I feel depressed like what was the point of that? What a waste of my time and my emotions. I don't care about having conquests anymore

I'd so much rather be happy in a relationship

Why would I disrespect myself or my feelings like I have been? Just because I thought no guy is reliable. Why give up on my dream? It's just depressing

 

I'd rather even be Christian or something

I wish I could be ing virgin honestly

I don't think sex is dirty

I just can't handle being with all these guys anymore

It's just not me....that took way too long to figure out....;(

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Well one last thing. I wonder why he wasn't interested in me? I was feeling so confident before, I had literally even just had a stranger tell me I could get any guy I wanted. Lol obviously that's not true and I know I'm just one easily forgotten face in a sea of attractive girls, but I know I have a lot to offer. I'm not like, super athletic or cool or funny or anything but I'm really caring and thoughtful. I wonder what made him brush me off that quickly. I kept my distance and I acted so chill. He doesn't even know how hurt I am.

 

Maybe I just not his type...I know that could be it but I just feel so rejected!!!

Maybe he thinks I'm not good in bed or that I'm a bad kisser or worse boring.

I just feel like such a work in progress I'm never going to get there quick enough to get what I want.

 

At least now I realize there are things I can do to improve my chances of falling in love

 

1. Don't be so easy and act like you are so independent and can handle no strings attached situations

 

2. I definitely have to improve my game. I need to have more attractive qualities that people can value in me.

 

3. I'm not touchy feely enough. Obviously this needs to be done appropriately but yeah

 

4. I need to be a relationship girl. Being a somewhat good girl can seem boring but it doesn't have to be. I want respect from guys not for them to see me as a sexual object. I see how much power I lose when I try to play their game like that. I want people to care about me now.

 

5.) just have to continue to stay on an optimistic and laid back path. No drama

 

6,) recovery time

 

This is where I am failing

My recovery time is too long

I dwell over past hurts and carry too much sadness and rejection into the present

I need to brush it off and not hold onto tiny little shreds of hope that someday things could work out

And not romanticize some guys behavior and make them out to seem better than they are.

I have to take things at face value.

 

I am disappointed this time

I didnt mean to start falling for him

He disappointed me too, and confused me with his intentions

But it was all laid out from the beginning

As a fling

I knew that

So I couldn't complain

 

And I'm just partly frustrated that I might have totally misread his interest in me and didnt even notice it when it was really obvious in so many ways. I didnt test the waters enough.

So id rather view it cautiously and just be like he didnt like me

He used me with my consent

That's easier and maybe truer??

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  • 2 weeks later...

Bouncing back. I still don't know what was going with that guy but I think I'm learning how to handle rejection gracefully. i hope! I mean, I'm defiinitely going to start breaking down if every guy I meet treats me like nothing but I still have hope.

 

I don't want to seem like a creeper but I think talking to someone with the intention of trying to get into their pants was where I really went wrong. It's disrespectful to men, and to myself. I should have paid more attention to them as people and tried to enjoy their company more instead if thinking when are we going to have sex in my head so much. I should have been more charming. The sex would have been so much better if I would have played this better. I was just being my naive overly direct self as usual.

 

I think that lol, my horniness was affecting things in a bad way. First I had sex with that guy I only knew for like an hour beforehand. Then I was even aware that the other guy was even attractive to me until our unfulfilling, interrupted sex. Most guys aren't able to handle the aftermath of sex with someone they barely know in a way that feels comfortable for a girl. I also think sex is way better if you make them work for it at least a little. And I had no way to predict he wasnt really a rough sex or kissing kind of guy. Now I know how to handle a guy like that if I ever meet a guy like that again. I definitely learned a lot about how I can improve.

 

So in the future I'm not going to have sex unless I'm pretty sure that we can have enough privacy that I can have an orgasm so I don't get the female equivalent of blue balls and get all stressed out about not getting what I wanted.

 

And I need to not jump into things too fast because I might develop deeper feelings for a guy without even realizing it.

 

And I really, really need to put up more of a front so the guy enjoys the chase a lot more. Sigh sigh I really thought guys were just into sex with any girl who wasn't like obese but I definitely am realizing that is a pretty sexist trope.

 

Shaking my head though. At myself for not understanding the obvious and at guys for being weirdly prudish even while they are having casual sex. Like whats the point of having disconnected, boring casual sex? If you are going to do something you might as well do it all the way. But I was weirdly distracted too somehow. I'm still learning but I think im really on top of it right now. I want to make this work so that I can have a good time and more success

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Yeah i definitely need to be less of a creeper. Just because im a woman doesnt mean I cant be creepy and get away with anything. Thank god I realized that before becoming a cougar or something. Sometimes in an effort to cut the crap and be real I end up making really dumb errors. i'm a little bit embarrrassed that i thought it would be so simple to get guys to have amazing sex with me when i literally dont know anything about flirting.

 

I feel really positive though because i had very little drama. I really feel like especially that last experience ended on a pretty positive note, as long as im not being paranoid and down on myself. Thats exactly how i want my life to be, especially when things dont go as planned or the way i want them to.

 

I think in those situations i really need to guard my heart closely, remain in control of my behavior even if my emotions are running all over the place. Then i can get through the worst and eventually look back and be like, wow im so glad i didnt poison myself with negativity and hurtful words.

 

There is no point in fighting the bad is there?

At least it seems that way. As a coping mechanism it helps placate the desire to stay in denial of the reality that you were hurt or taken advantage of or something for example, but just moving forward and embracing the next challenge hopefully leads to better results.

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When it comes to guys im so sensitive to rejection from what ill call "lesser" guys but i dont necessarily mean that in such a derogatory way

Like that I always want to be in the position of power, especially if I perceive a guy to be my equal or lesser. My ego just can't handle that maybe I'm nothing special to even the most ordinary people. Ahh even typing that was hard. It makes me feel so helpless, like how am I going to get by in life if I cant even charm them? If someone I assume to be out of reach rejects me, its like oh well that makes sense. I dont have this sense of entitlement then. Instead i feel motivated to improve myself so i can get on their level.

 

I really hope i can overcome that because then i wouldnt sit around dwelling about being rejected

Or thinking that im entitled to more than i am....

 

Its just embarrassing and naive. Not to mention so immature.

 

I just dont understand why else id care about being possibly rejected from some guy who is kind of ignorant (but i just assume in those cases that they could mature,grow and change over time), possiblyi dont have great chemistry with, just not in that off tbe charts way, and

 

Mostly the biggest turn off for me was his naive rambling...it was just kind of shocking because i felt like huh? Is this 2006 or somethibg? Am i missing something here?

 

Just that he wasnt quite discerning enough to me in his tastes, observations, photography, for ex. But honestly i feel like that none of that matters if you have chemistry with someone and you arent insecure.

I guess the chemistry wasnt there...when i really wanted it to be....like it was just about to take off for me when i had to go.

 

Yeah there is just not enough information for me to go on and i didnt have enough invested to for me to allow too much intropection on this.

 

Hoepfully ive gotten some useful insights into tbis so that i can prevent myself from sabotaging a good thing from the beginning with my internal paranoia and insecurity and start masking my true personalith and creating this weird facade thata actually makes me much more vulnerable to rejection than just being myself.

 

Hey that was really insightful lol.

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I think I'm starting to understand my problem. Under the surface, I'm craving a sure thing, at all times. I want to always be reassured that I'm never going to feel pain. You just can't go into an human relationship needing that on some level, it's just so self defeating. I quickly feel this sense of panic like I'm about to lose my sense of stability if I feel any kind of emotional connection to someone, even if it's not the strongest connection. I just dont have the coping skills. Sometimes I just want to jump into someone else's life because I hate my own and I don't want to deal with how much harder my life has had to be because I didn't grow up knowing about normal culture lol that sounds funny but thats exactly the truth. So sometimes i get into this mindset that they have to be better or more valuable than me because i envy their normalcy and the limited scope of their problems. Everyone has issues but some people definitely have it worse than others. I'm in the middle, i could have it worse but i didnt really luck out when it comes to anything. So there is so much riding on me being accepted by people.

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Boo still obsessed. Wow okay so maybe I am a good girl. I was thinking hmm on some level it's kind of gross to be that intimate with someone you don't even know. I was having one of those Awww he was inside me glowing moments when I realized that was weird considering I didn't know him. Yeah

 

I am not going to take it to that level too much anymore

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Okay this might be just another one of my failed experiments, but I'm going to try really hard to embrace everything as it happens and try to make things go in a positive direction but be okay if that doesn't always happen.

 

Like if I fall for more than one guy at a time I'll take it from there but I'm not going to force myself to do or feel anything that I'm not comfortable or ready for.

 

I just have such positive feelings for him. It's the weirdest thing. I was spiraling into paranoia for a while there, but then

It was like just because I can't control the situation doesn't mean I can't be happy or something.

 

Instead of being sad that he's not going to be my boyfriend i should be excited that the right guy is literally out there waiting to find me.

 

Like that the next guy is out there, has lived this whole life not knowing I exist and someday we're going to meet in some random situation and get to know each other and how interesting that's going to be. And I don't even know what he looks like or smells like or why I'm going to be attracted to him. Better to focus on that.

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Yeah I have to admit I'm excited about all that. It's finally all within my grasp, just a stone's throw away. I keep thinking something is going to go terribly wrong because I'm cursed to be unhappy but so far the common denominator in my unhappiness has been my bad decision making. Sometimes bad things happen regardless of that but my real regrets are definitely the things I didn't have the courage to do and the bad decisions I made in place of actually growing as a person.

 

But I can still smell his uncircumcised penis in my vagina lol I'm sooo creepy...but I loved it

Why why why why is this happening to me? I need to deal with it. It's like the disappointment is too much to bear. For whatever reason this isn't happening. I have to let go and it's really getting down to the wire for my acceptable grieving period.

 

I want to be 100% my risk taking adventurous and care free self again. I want to embrace everything positive about life and just be--not to be corny but I really want to be who I think I'm supposed to be. I feel like if I have integrity as a person the higher powers will love me back and bless me. I have to be strong

 

That's where I'm lacking right now

I have neglected to be strong

To just accept disappointment and to move on. But it's getting easier as my ego realizes that it's actually less painful to let all the pain in without any bravado and just come to terms with my honest grief.

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I definitely need to make a note to myself:

 

Make sure to orgasm with a hookup otherwise my body might get tricked into thinking I want more emotionally when I'm really mostly just sexually frustrated.

 

After 'busting a (lady) nut' lol I'm cringing, I don't feel like I need to keep seeing someone again. It's kind of like porn or masturbation in that if there is no emotional connection you don't necessarily get aroused by the same thing over and over again.

 

 

Now I wonder where all this going to lead me

 

I definitely have sexual needs but I also eventually want and need to find a monogamous partner. I think. And I think I get a lot more of the seduction process, how to flirt, to act without being trashy or creepy, and then modify my behavior depending on what outcome I'm shooting for casual sex or a relationship. It's like ta-da! A brand new me

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Another thing i noticed about one of the first guys, a red flag I didn't necessarily pick up on consciously

 

I think I definitely should pay more attention to these things

 

A guy who says, "I don't want to hurt you," and implicitly seems to assume that they are so charming that you can't help but fall for them is probably going to be bad fwb or hook up because they are immature. A guy who is into casual sex but isn't a jerk doesn't have to say that because they aren't going to be rude or insensitive afterward.

 

So either I have to change my expectations towards these kind of men and realize they aren't going to be all charming just because I'm kind of cute and pretty or find another option who will respect me more.

 

When it comes to that I definitely need to have higher standards so my self esteem doesn't plummet.

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Actually the nice thing about those guys was that at least I came away from the experience with free dinners and drinks and stuff. Before I had such low esteem that I was literally shocked that a guy would even pay me basically to get sex from me. Now it's like not necessarily an expectation but I am definitely going to appreciate the perks of being seduced as a young woman while I still can. I don't want to wake up old and realize no one ever did that for me and I never had fun just because I was paranoid about participating in patriarchal oppression. At this point in my life I need more money and I would appreciate that sometimes. I need to be more strategic it's finally hitting me.

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