Corgi's Biscuit Tin

I've been having a hell of a time lately. The past two weeks to be more specific.

I caught chickenpox out of god know where, and it all went downhill from there. Sounds funny when adults get it but it's absolutely diabolical. I'm not a wimp when it comes to pain, but I loathe scars and marks. And where do I get the majority of blisters and spots? That's right, in the face

I never liked my face that much to begin with. Inherited large pores, shine , blackheads and a few zits and that was crappy enough. A few months ago I fell off my bike and cut my forehead, so that's another scar right there, along with the one in my eye socket for landing on a table corner when I was a toddler. So now it's all that plus a buttload of red marks, two small holes plus a big one on my jaw (that's the mother zit, how the chpox started off) and I'm NOT THRILLED. AT ALL. Makes me wish I worked from home. Lame pun, but I can't face dealing with people like this. I've tried make up and it just looks worse.

I've had too much time to overthink and I was wondering about psychosomatic illnesses and the whole idea of attracting things. Years back I suffered from terrible stomach aches from too much acid. I was on the strongest meds to no avail. Went to the doctor countless times and he asked if I was stressed or unhappy to which I replied, nope. Which I totally was it I didn't want to see it or acknowledge it.

I thought id always suffer from it but surprisingly I hardly ever worried about it while I was on antidepressants. So it was definitely my mind winding me up and causing an stress response on my body, making me produce too much acid. Currently, what I'm struggling with are allergies and this bloody chickenpox I can't seem to recover quick enough from. For the allergies I blame the dog and the lack of vacuuming, for the chickenpox, the brats I come accross at work. But is there something more to it? Did my state of mind have something to do in making me more vulnerable to this?

And why do all the spots had to appear on my face?!?!? Why not on my arse where nobody can see them?!?!

With love,

Pizza Face.

Just how unlucky can you get.

I wonder if I'd be able to deal a lot better with the crap life has thrown at me if I was on antidepressants. Or if I'm in this mess because I decided to go off them recently. It seems very suspicious that as soon as I stop taking them, I go and change jobs.

So I get this new job, and it all seemed in theory, hunky dory. But it wasn't and it's such a lame and painfully boring job. And anyway, two months in: boom! I fall ill. Two weeks at home and counting. I was feeling pretty rotten and been giving myself stomach aches out of anxiety because of the guilt of leaving the job like that, and I just realised I'm not even going to get sick pay as I've been working there for less than three months how pathetic is that.

I caught this nasty virus through no fault of my own. What the hell did I do to deserve this? Did I breathe in the wrong air at the wrong time? Is that all Im guilty of? If I hadn't change jobs, I wouldn't have been in contact with so many rugrats at work, which in turned would have kept me healthy, making a bit more money and doing something I found more interesting, even though the management was getting on my nerves, I felt like the company likes to take the piss out of its workforce and the working conditions in the staff area where that of a sweat shop somewhere in the third world.

I did what I thought was best and here I am ill and penniless.

Right now I feel like: there you go moron, this is what you get for even attempting to ride the bike of life without stabilisers. If there was a test of the minimum requirements of how to handle life, I'd probably fail it just like I failed my driving test.

Hate to break it to you, but getting chx pox as an adult male can cause you to be sterile. You need to see a doctor.

Feeling a lot better today. Shallow as it is, having lost weight gave me a little confidence boost.

I've gone from 62kg* in mid May this year -the chunkiest I've ever been in my life-, down to 58.4 in mid July, and today I'm 56kg. I know it's not all about weight, it's also about how you look and how clothes fit, but I definitely feel a lot more comfortable, I've always felt more comfy when lighter. BTW, I'm only small (5'3").

*62=136lbs

58.4=129lbs

56=123.5lbs

Now I have to figure out how to keep depression at bay. I've been reading a very good book called The Depression Cure: The Six-Step Programme to Beat Depression Without Drugs by Dr Steve Ilardi. Being the lazy cow that I am, it seems like a hell of a lot of work and I'm like, well I just rather pop pills and presto, but the weight gain side effect really puts me off.

It involves six basic steps:

1. Intake of Omega 3
   
2. Stop ruminating and engage into activity
   
3. Physical exercise
   
4. Sunlight exposure
   
5. Social connection
   
6. Enhanced sleep
   

It makes perfect sense. It's a constant struggle though and I just find myself making excuses as to why doing this and that is such a hassle. If done right, it's supposed to be more powerful than any drug. Seems like a full time job on its own, which is quite overwhelming, specially when you're feeling like you can't deal with even the most basic tasks such as getting up and ready for work -.-

Anyway. My face

I went on a make up rampage last week and spent a small fortune in all sorts of crap in a panic. I'm gutted I bought some stuff full price that didn't really do anything to improve my complexion, so I'll try to shift it on eBay or something.

I've never been one to wear lots of make up so I'm not all that savvy when it comes to application techniques but having all this free time, I've tried to educate myself a bit. I bought a couple of products that are really amazing. I found this Korean BB Cream through a video in YT in which a girl with pretty bad cystic acne shows how she covers it up. She really has some balls

So I ordered it and it really is fantastic. Lioele Triple the Solution:

]

Also bought another Korean BB Cream on a whim a the drugstore and it works wonders too. Dr Jart Regenerating BB

]

Double yay for Korean cosmetics, they really do know what's up!

Ok I still have the make up bug.

Something I never used, were brushes. I never liked to look too made up because, when you can't be bothered to do it to a high standard it really shows, so I always tried to keep to a minimum, and look just passable enough, but at the moment I really have no choice, I have to hide this mess. And so, I bought two sets of really nice brushes from EcoTools. Sorry in advance if this looks like some sort of product placement, but I'm just documenting my journey into the uncharted territory of putting on make up properly.

I got these, which are purely for complexion purposes. Number 2 and 4 are SO amazing at buffing foundation or concealer.

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And I also got these:

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The really big fat one is amazing for blush, it's so soft and fluffy.

I never realised what a difference some brushes can make. I don't like smearing lots of liquid make up with my fingers, so brushes really help building up layers, which gives a much more natural and airbrushed effect.

Also, having tried full coverage foundation and ending up looking a cakey flakey mess, what I do now is apply BB cream just on the spotty bits very lightly with the brushes and then cover it up with mineral powder foundation, which doesn't cling to the dry bits and controls shine at the same time. Then I just keep adding more and more coverage as needed with loose or compact powder, it really makes a big difference.

Oh snap.

They've put me on the rota to go back to work the day after tomorrow even though my sick note covered me until tuesday. I guess I'll just have to take the plunge. I could really do with not having to stress out about my face and make up to cover up this mess I was left with.

I wonder how the guys from work really are behind my back. Maybe I'm a much bigger b---- , some of them annoy me quite a lot. I also wonder how much gossip my absence generated. Do they know what sort of sickness I had? Will they notice the pock marks behind the make up? Are they going to think I'm gross?

I guess I look OK from afar, but the fact that I'm wearing more make up than normal is a give away, and from up close, I feel that I look like scheisse. Bits of caked make up, pores, shine, raw pock marks. I guess it's a lot easier for your average bloke to get on with life after an illness like this, but as a female, having been brainwashed by the media and western culture with its high standards of beauty and whatnot, it's such a nightmare scenario, having to work in a customer facing environment when even after trying your best to hide it you still look less than perfect.

Hucking fell man, I could really REALLY do without all this.

Had a good day today O__o

Started off a bit pissy early in the morning but as the day went by, I just felt energized and got on with the job. Out of the blue I was contacted by one of the coaches at work about the training Ive been pestering them about. Surprisingly she was very understanding and asked me open questions, she sympathized with me that having me basically just waiting tables was indeed boring. Also had a chat about it with one of the managers and I feel so much better now I got it off my chest. So I get a teeny promotion and weeny pay rise. I think they felt a bit sorry for me because of how ill I got and how I didn't even get paid for it ;__;

Whatever, at least I made it clear where I stand and where I want to go with this job, which is a lot better than keeping it all to myself. It's all out in the open that I'm getting quite bored and they'll keep an eye on it for me. Really good managers TBH.

Some of the marks on my skin are fading a bit every day, unfortunately, some have left pock marks, which I'm not impressed with at all. I was really hoping they would all fade away flat but I got got 4 or 5 dents on my face. Along with my oily complexion, it's a biaitch to find the right make up as shine makes them more noticeable and the foundation ends up sitting inside it, urgh.

If any mod sees this and is not too much to ask, would you kindly change the name of this diary to: Corgi's Biscuit Tin

Thanks!

***

Anyway I think I've figured out why my job is so lame even though the company is a good one. The whole team are all friends and family with each other. They were originally hired by another outside company to run the department, so they're all buddy buddies, they always allocate the same tasks to the same people and the newbies just get pushed aside to do the same old crap.

They're not interested in training anyone new to do anything of consequence because they already have 'their' people to do it. So that makes me feel completely irrelevant. I need to find anothe job in a different department that is not so full of lame-os ASAP.

If any mod sees this and is not too much to ask, would you kindly change the name of this diary to: Corgi's Biscuit Tin

...Done...

Hey, thank you very much, appreciate it! x

I had a trial shift today for a pretty cool job in a cool trendy place because my current job is so painfully dreary. I've never been so bored in my entire life. I was rejected for the assistant manager position and was also rejected for another job within the company I currently work for. Whatevs.

I got a good feeling about this place as they offered me the trial shift just yesterday without even interviewing me. They offer the same money I'm on now, more hours and tips. I was there for four hours solid, I felt like I was on a completely different planet. I feel like I could actually be myself there, everything from the ambiance, to the uniform and the chilled out vibe seems like such a good fit, so here's hoping. They'll let me know on Monday. The worst that can happen is that they say the dreaded "Unfortunately..." speech. At least I still have a job and I'll spend Christmas with loads of discounted goodies. OR they say yes and I spend Xmas in a really cool job. Either way I win everything

Aaaaaaand they didn't give me the job. 2013 was all about rejections and mistakes, urgh. I never in my life applied for so many jobs and got rejected so often.

I'm still at the sucky waiting table one. Oh Jesus, it's dire. The only good thing that could possible come out of it is the fact that the company's name looks good on my CV and opens a few doors. The nitpicking is unbelievable. There was this young woman that now left that LOVED nitpicking on me. Her even younger brother is still around and it seems like he's going to try and act like her. God. Not even the managers are like that.

The rejection from Trendy Bar hurt. I could have totally done that job and have a great time doing it, I have the experience and I could have learnt and become even better, but they somehow didn't think I was a good fit. Didn't get any feedback.

A week ago I hit the high street and just went into shops dressed to the nines asking about vacancies. I managed to get 2 interviews in shops that have ads in the windows. Today, I was invited to meet the area manager of V.Posh Frocks, the assistant manager that interviewed me really liked me and I really liked her, so fingers crossed. Of course I'm scared it might be another bad move. It's less hours, but at least it's a step forward towards the career I recently figured out I want. I love posh shops, I love luxury goods. I'm a bit scared I'll be bored out of my mind again, but at least it's a tiny team and hopefully I'd get more responsibilities other than wiping tables and being micromanaged by spotty teenagers within an inch of my life.

Fingers crossed. Exciting times.

Bit off putting. I had the interview with the area manager. She seemed very cold, spoke very fast, it was all bam bam bam. I was there for about 25 minutes. The other lady seemed to like me a lot and we had a nice long chat, she even told me I did really well and I got the impression that she would hire me there and then if it wasn't because in the company they need 2 people to approve this sort of decisions.

I was under the impression it would be just an informal chat to get to know the area manager and that I would be offered the job there and then, but all I got was another mini interview in which she asked me stuff the other lady had already asked and at the end she said she still had another few people lined up and that they would let me know in the next couple of days. I'm guessing I'm about to get the dreaded "Unfortunately..." speech I've been getting so often. Again, it seems that sometimes even your best effort is still not good enough.

OMFG.

They gave me the job.

I was feeling SO SICK all day. I was ready to go and puke as soon as they gave me the "unfortunately" treatment, but those words never came. I still can't quite believe it. Awww yeah.

Do you think I'm over worrying?

The only cloud in the sky right now is that I haven't got my passport which has a visa in it which they usually ask for when starting new employment

Now, I WILL get my passport back, I'm 100% legal and I currently have a full time job with a company that would not employ illegal people. I also have original documentation that according to government guidelines, is enough to proof I'm safe to work in this country. But I'm worried SICK that this company is very strict about who they take on and if you do not have the passport they'll simply say no, they can't offer you a contract.

The only reason I do not have my passport is because is with the home office as I recently applied to obtain British citizenship. That's the ONLY reason, it's not like I lost it or I'm hiding it because my visa expired. I WILL get it back in a few weeks time, but, would they be willing to take on these other completely legal documents that prove my eligibility to work while my actual passport comes back? I'm scared to know the answer. Stupidly, I didn't make copies of my visa. My current employer has copies of it but are unable to fax them because of data protection. What a load of bollocks. I'm also trying to track down other copies from the previous company I worked for, which don't seem to be that strict about it and my bet is that they're still laying about in the office somewhere.

If I couldn't get this job because of that, that would REALLY be a kick in the teeth, and entirely my own fault.

I am even willing to completely pull out my application and lose a crapload of money in order to get my documents back although that would mean they might not hold the post for me that long and I would have to keep working for 4 more weeks in this current job that I loathe.

I guess what's done it's done and there's no point overworrying now. I can't present my passport right now but I will be able to do so in a few weeks time when it comes back. In the meantime I do have original documents and proof of ID that show I'm eligible to work in this country. I'm begging the universe this is enough for the time being until my bloody documents come back.

Bloody home office, I sent the stuff like 10 days ago and still waiting for a letter of acknowledgment saying they got them. COME ON!!!! Also, it's the weekend and there's nobody to call for urgent advice. fml.

Oh, awesomeness. You're not allowed to ask about the progress of the paperwork unless 6 months have passed after you sent it in. Cheezus peezus.

I guess I might as well get ready for the absolute worst. That I don't get the job that I really covet because of a technicality I wasn't smart enough to foresee. Live and learn. I will try to see this lady tomorrow and explain the situation as calmly as I can, trying to let my excitement shine through, rather than my fear and anxiety.

Point is, the more I look into this, the more positive I feel I've finally found a career path. I sort of know what I'm looking for and I need to promise myself I'll keep fighting for it, no matter what difficulties and dead ends I find myself in. I know I can be brilliant at this if given the chance. It IS a hassle having found something so good and losing it because of my own stupidity but at least I've found a lead. That's a lot more than I had say, 3 weeks ago.

I just hope I can be strong enough to deal with this if bad comes to worse.

OMFFFFFFFFFG. Bad didn't come to worse. After agonising for days, they finally said YES NO PROBLEM SORRY FOR THE DELAY WHEN CAN YOU START.

SAY WHAAAAAAAAA!

I haven't been this happy in years. I can't believe things are going my way a bit, after the crap year I had on 2013.

I got a good feeling and I'll tell you for why. All my previous job hopping was all about running away from things I disliked. This move is running towards something I want. It took me ages to figure out what I wanted, but better late than never.

ATM I got a horrible cold and the fact that it's damn freezing at work didn't help matters. I caught a sore throat from my friend, went into work on thursday and spent my day off, friday coughing and whining. Called in sick yesterday, sod it. They're not going to be pleased but whatevs. If they can't sort out the freezing cold aircon on wintertime all customers keep complaining about, all the other staff are going to keep dropping like flies when there are bugs going around. I actually did them a favour by not showing up and cough on everyone's face, causing more casualties and sickies in the near future.

BTW, how come nobody comments on this diary? Is it private or is it because I'm new and nobody really knows me around here?