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Thread: Overwhelmed With Pain and Heartbreak After Being Lied to

  1. #1
    csmith224422
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    Overwhelmed With Pain and Heartbreak After Being Lied to

    Many of you may know my story. A quick run down:

    1) Went out for 6-7 months. She was constantly talking marriage and kids. We made plans to move in together in the fall. When she started seeing me, she had just broken up with her ex-boyfriend (or so I thought);


    2) She broke up with me 2 months ago and then I found out about the lies AFTER she broke up with me:

    a) She didnít break up with her ex-boyfriend for the first month her and I were together. She later broke up with him to be with me.

    b) She had pre-planned trip with her ex that I knew about (they planned this months before her and I were together). While we were together she told me changed the flight/trip to go somewhere else but I found out afterwards through Facebook that she did in fact go on that trip with him and only broke up with him after she came back.

    c) After she broke up with him, her ex kept on trying to get back with her and she began seeing both of us for the last month her and I were together.

    I confirmed all these lies with the ex himself. Her and I are 28 and he's 36. Her complaint about him was that he's a party guy and doesn't want to settle down. After we broke up and after I spoke to her Ex, she FINALLY admitted that they were working things out and admitted that she lied. But the strange thing is that I saw her on a dating website while she told me she told me she was "working things "out with her ex. She's no longer on the website but was on it for a month or so.

    Anyway, I know that she and her ex are now back together again and it HURTS so much.

    Her and I have been 2 weeks NC and I don't plan to contact her but it hurts so much. I feel betrayed. How can someone talk about marriage and kids with me and then all of sudden not want me in their life at all. It just happened out of nowhere too. I think about them together and it make me feel so bad. I feel humuliated for what happened and keep wondering what I did wrong.

    I feel like its a constant struggle to try and go out and do things and to forget her. I can't take it anymore!

    How do you guys feel about this all?

  2. #2
    Edmund Exley
    Platinum Member Edmund Exley's Avatar
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    You're pain has more to do with disappointment and grief than the actual act of what she did. Like any form of grief eventually you have to deal with it by coming to the conclusion that "It happened, its sucks, and there is nothing you can do to change it". Then you have to start to put it behind you and not let if define you moving forward.

  3. #3
    csmith224422
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    Quote Originally Posted by Edmund Exley [Register to see the link]
    You're pain has more to do with disappointment and grief than the actual act of what she did.
    Thanks for your response Edmund. Hmmmm . . . that's an interesting statement. I'm trying to understand what that means. Can you explain what you mean by that?

  4. #4
    Edmund Exley
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    From reading your threads over the past 2 months, this isn't about lost love after 7 months with a girl who was with her ex from the start, this is about the disappointment and grief that she chose her ex over you. IMO, You are hiding rejection behind the word "love".

  5. #5
    SooSad33
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    Also, this sounds like her 'rebound relationship' you two had.
    Of course she was talking 'kids & love' so quickly. Rebounders act out that way. They 'Rush' things way too fast and Un-realistically.
    You do NOT fall in love with anyone that fast. And she was a hurting unit after moving on right after him. She was not emotionally available to you, sadly.
    Look up rebound relationships. I'm thinking this is something like what my ex is in. I know.. it hurts

  6. #6
    SooSad33
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    What is VERY difficult (asides from being 'lied to' yes i had that too) is having to lose your love to someone else after having them in your life for 5 years. That is NOT easy to cope with!
    It leaves you totally blindsided and flabergasted.. VERY upsetting- real LOSS .

    Mine is similar to yours in ways that he had 'persued' another interest within a month of my finding out then nailing him with it. It's now been 3 months that he has been in her court now.
    Strangely enough, he seems fine to communicate with me via text/phone.
    He has said he misses me too and admitted once cpl weeks ago on the phone that he 'still loves me'. And he actually was the one to initiate texts my way last week.
    So- I am not sure what that all means?
    Someone said it's just a pitty type act and it's not like he 'hates me'.
    But- as I've been told, best for all is N/C. Leave him alone now and let him go the way he's chosen and I have to do my best to let it all go and work on 'Me' now.

    Did you find her actions or attitude strange at all or change while you two were together? Other than what you mentioned re: kids etc. which yes, is not right within that time of knowing/being involved with you.
    Did you find she rushed things? Did she feel uneasy now and then or 'lost in thought/sad'?
    These are some signs of them 'moving on too fast/ into rebound'.

  7. #7
    bwhite00
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    dude, I was totally in love with the woman of my dreams, did NC for a year and got her back into my life with me being a much more reliable/stable person this time around. we dated for 8 glorious months and I was thinking marriage/family the entire time... and she just went distant and basically is doing the same thing your ex did. it sucks man, i don't know how to handle it either. i've tried everything from anger to logic with her and honestly i have lost hope. we're in the same boat brother, we'll get through this its what this site is for. thank god for enotalone.

    edit: i was lied to too, she told me she wouldn't do what she did to me two years ago (leave me for another man) and i called her a liar over doing it again. !@%$* it.

  8. #8
    csmith224422
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    I've thought about that a lot. There definitely is a feeling of rejection and it does feel bad that she chose him over me. I will admit that. It hurts to think that they are together.

    At the same time, I really do feel that I'm in love with her. I thought the world of her and was ready to move in with her and introduce her to my mom (I've never done that before). And it hurts to think that her and I will never talk again.

    Can't it be both emotions mixed together?

    You're right on the fact that its tough for me understand this all. I'm just so in shock that someone would say I'm the best thing to ever happened to them and then treat me like this. And she seems to put the blame on me. She's mad at me for calling her Ex, but I mean what other choice did I have . . . she wasn't telling me the truth and even though the truth hurt - I'm entitled to it.

  9. #9
    Edmund Exley
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    Quote Originally Posted by csmith224422 [Register to see the link]
    She's mad at me for calling her Ex, but I mean what other choice did I have . . . she wasn't telling me the truth and even though the truth hurt - I'm entitled to it.
    She's mad at you because you put an end to her ruse. You need to put this person behind you. I know you want answers to "How could she?" but you aren't ever going to have an answer because there aren't always answers other than "she did".

    You can learn from this and make it a positive FOR YOU. Never let "love" trick you into ignoring the red flags. Red flags like "She was still dating her ex". I don't mean to sound cold here, but this is said as a point maker - YOU chose to put yourself into a position with someone that had attachments to someone else. This is bigger than trying to understand "why she did that".

  10. #10
    csmith224422
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    There were red flags but at the time I didn't know she was dating her ex and me. I only knew AFTER the fact. But yes, there were other red flags and I ignored them because I was blinded by love.

    I've never really been in love before so maybe I just miss the feeling of having someone that I could depend on. This has been really tough on me but I'm really trying my best now to move on and not contact her. It just gets really tough sometimes and I feel like I'm constantly fighting myself to force myself to move on and forget her.

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