Need tips!!

So I have left my violent/abusive relationship and still feeling really down. Need tips on how to stay away really? Good times still keep coming to me even though there is more bad than good.

Feel like he has a life now and I don't!

Are you in counceling ?

No do you think I should go?

Any other tips?

Yes I do think you should go so you can discover your own self-worth and learn to validate yourself. You also have to rebuild your self-esteem. If you don't do that you're in danger of falling back in with the same man or one just like him.

Mostly what happens in these kinds of relationships is that we stop doing many things. We don't even notice it until it's become a really big issue. Sometimes it happens because of direct control - the abuser hasn't allowed us to continue or will make such a problem out of it all the time; sometimes it happens simply because being in an abusive relationship is so difficult and exhausting that we don't have any energy left. I would recommend sitting down, taking paper and pen and making a list of things you liked to do before he came along. What were your hobbies? What things gave you joy and energy? What did you enjoy doing? These can be small, simple things, like going for walks, watching cartoons, buying scented candles, going out with a friend for a coffee. Make a list and start doing them again. You can start with the simpler, easier ones. It'll give you a feeling that you did have a life, you liked many things, and he doesn't define you. You can move on to bigger ones eventually when you feel like it.

Don't isolate yourself. Talk to friends. Call people. Volunteer, go out, don't shut yourself in. If you could find a support group somewhere for people who've been there, that would be great! It certainly helped me a lot.

Give yourself time to heal and to rest. I am not familiar with your particular story, but it must have not been easy. Try to sleep and eat healthy. Pamper yourself.

It's okay and normal to be confused and tired and sometimes regret it and want to go back, for the good times. I went back, but of course it never worked any better than it did before. I read it somewhere that being with an abuser is kind of like being on drugs - you know they're bad for you and dangerous, but a part of you still wants that fix, that one last taste, that familiar feeling. So take it one day at a time. This is detox. It's so hard, I remember exactly how it felt, even if it was 4 years ago, but it will be easier with time, and you'll thank yourself later.

Hope this helps a bit!

So I have left my violent/abusive relationship and still feeling really down. Need tips on how to stay away really? Good times still keep coming to me even though there is more bad than good.

 

Feel like he has a life now and I don't!

I felt the exact same way when my abusive ex and I broke up. If you look through my threads I shared my story a week or two ago. I didn't get counseling but I know I would have benefited from it, but I'm pretty young and didnt have the money and didn't want to explainne situation to my parents so I tried to heal myself on my own. I made a list of all the abusive events in detail and kept it in my purse or pocket and read it everytime I started to think i missed him. Just know these us don't change, my ex didn't he didn't learn anything from our breakup and did the same things to his brief girlfriend after we dated. When you date someone abusive you're so used to being treated bad that when they do something nice it seems like you're on top of the world but really life isn't supposed to be that hard. There are nice guys out there who can treat us well instead of breaking us down so we can get high from how they lift us back up.

He may think he has a life, but he is an abuser who hasn't acknowledged that he has a problem, he running from the truth and sooner or later it will catch up to him. I know its hard I'm there right with you, the man I love is abusive and I took the abuse for a long time. Unto just recently when his abuse what directed towards my children. The best thing to do is counseling, reading books about healing from abuse, not contemplating the lint in your belly button and saying woe is me. You and didn't deserve to be abused, violence comes in many forms, for whatever reason we trigger this behavior in them' but we are not the root or cause of the problem. You can't beat yourself up over should I, would I, and could I, especial in abuse. Look I still love my husband, I miss him and I hope and pray he gets the help he needs any you and I must do the same or it will negatively effect us for the rest of our lives. We need to make sure that we do not put ourselves where there is a chance of this happening again. Take care and good luck.

I wrote myself a couple of lists. One being the worst things he'd ever done to me, another one being an up-to-date day-by-day list of what he was still doing. The first was more for me, the second was a reference point for the police, should it be needed (turns out it was).

Write it down. When you're feeling like you want to go back, sit and read it. Remember how those events made you feel, and that was always enough to keep me where I was. It's easy to allow the bad memories to fade and focus on the good in a relationship, then start to miss it. Don't let yourself. Keep reminding yourself what a piece of s*** he is, and you won't want to go back.

Keep yourself busy, do things you've always wanted to do but not been allowed to. Believe me, once the "I need to go back" mindset clears, it's easy.

All I can say is things do get better. After my abusive partner and I broke up over 18 months ago I felt relieved but also completely lost. I was so used to running around and doing everything I could 'for the relationship' and to try and keep him happy that once I left I didn't know what to do with myself. All my family and friends thought I'd feel relieved but in my experience it didn't feel like that right away. My partner had tried to control everything I did and it took months for me to adapt. Don't rush yourself; allow yourself to grieve for the relationship if that's what you need and slowly but surely you can start to move on.