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Thread: Still so angry at my ex after 3 months

  1. #1
    kaitlin87

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    Still so angry at my ex after 3 months

    I had to write somewhere about my feelings. My ex broke up with me 3 months ago. We were together for 18 months. Even though I had talked about our relationship not going well, it came out of the blue. I was devastated, begged him back. I have realized all the mistakes I have made (I had a really stressful spring). I feel so lonely, sad, my dreams are broken. Still, I have become more grateful of everything I have. I've become *me* again. But again, I don't see any point in anything.

    Last night I saw a dream, I had a baby with my ex, I felt happy. When I woke up, I felt angry, devastated. I have wished that we could get back together. He doesn't want to. There has been NC for 2 months now. He doesn't contact me. He wanted us to best friends, I told him I couldn't because of my feelings. I am afraid that we has forgotten me, doesn't think about me while I'm still heartbroken.

    Maybe this was a lesson to me. Maybe I needed to learn to be more grateful again.

    How do I get over him?

  2. #2
    Red Tie
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    Sorry to know youre going through these rough times kaitlin87.

    You are suffering the after effects of your dream. You just had a "fix" of relationship through that dream. That feeling will fade...

    All I cant say to you is to look at your situation right now. Getting back together is not an option since he has moved on. If that is clear, then its your turn to move on.
    You have been doing NC and that is good. Nice going! Now, give it more time. Keep yourself busy with something. Hang with friends and meet new people. Dont let life pass you by!

    Hang in there! You will get through this, just give yourself more time.

  3. #3
    Kendahke
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    I was just listening to an audiobook this morning on my way to work of a book by Harriet Lerner called "On Intimacy". I'm sure you can find it on iTunes. She spoke about this very thing around about an hour into the recording. You might want to pick up this audio recording, along with her books "The Dance of Anger" and "The Dance of Intimacy". She is very, very good.

    In a nutshell, she says that the way you move on is to shift your focus off of him and shift it back on to you--she goes into way more detail than I can remember at the moment.

  4. #4
    charity
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    so its been 12 weeks. you didnt want the break up. you loved him.
    why dont you give yourself a break. give yourself time. it will pass in time, believe me.
    those dreams are the worst. you feel so back there and it can effect you for days. and that too will pass.

  5. #5
    Blue68
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    Quote Originally Posted by kaitlin87 [Register to see the link]
    I have wished that we could get back together. He doesn't want to. There has been NC for 2 months now. He doesn't contact me. He wanted us to best friends, I told him I couldn't because of my feelings. I am afraid that we has forgotten me, doesn't think about me while I'm still heartbroken.

    Maybe this was a lesson to me. Maybe I needed to learn to be more grateful again.

    How do I get over him?
    You have patience, that's how you get over someone.

    Three months isn't much time at all so these emotions are to be expected.

    It is impossible to be friends with someone you are still in love with so you did the right thing by telling him you couldn't be friends. He isn't going to forget that the 18 months he had with with you existed so you have no need to worry about him forgetting about YOU. However if he continues to move on then it really does mean that things are over and it wouldn't have made any difference if you had stayed in touch with him. The only difference with remaining friends is that you would actually see him moving on ... and who wants to do that? Not to mention that you would have certain expectations as a "friend" (as we often see here on eNA) and if they aren't met then the pain and confusion continues. The contact you would have would also undoubtedly feed you with hope and you will be left hanging onto something, hoping for more and not allowing yourself to move on with your life.

    Making the decision to have no contact is the easy part. Sticking with it is a whole lot tougher .... but if you really want to help yourself, no matter what the outcome, sticking with it is the best option.
    Last edited by Blue68; 07-31-2013 at 01:05 PM.

  6. #6
    kaitlin87

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    Thanks for all of your responses yes, it is sure that I will get over him eventually. The time before it just sucks I do have my good moments, but then there are the bad ones...

    I'm a bit embarrassed to tell you all, but I'm still hoping that he comes back and realizes the mistake he made by letting me go. I know, it is pathetic and unrealistic, but it is a thought that has given me energy to go on and continue living a bit happier life.

    Now, the real struggle begins. I need to convince myself that he isn't coming back. Do you have any tips on how doing it?

  7. #7
    Blue68
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    Quote Originally Posted by kaitlin87 [Register to see the link]
    I'm a bit embarrassed to tell you all, but I'm still hoping that he comes back and realizes the mistake he made by letting me go. I know, it is pathetic and unrealistic, but it is a thought that has given me energy to go on and continue living a bit happier life.

    Now, the real struggle begins. I need to convince myself that he isn't coming back. Do you have any tips on how doing it?
    It isn't pathetic, it is perfectly normal. After 5 months I still have a little bit of hope too, though I am also very much focused on a life without him. Someone once told me, on eNA, that there was nothing wrong with having a little bit of hope whilst moving on at the same time .... and I truly believe that to be true. Hope has its reasons for being necessary too. It gives us something to carry on for .... but as the days, weeks and months go by we start letting go of that hope little by little until it is no longer necessary.

    It is hard to convince yourself of anything when you are hoping for something else but, like everything else, it is something you learn to do gradually. As you start moving forwards and the hope starts fading, your focus will be different. All you can do is have faith that you will be happy again one day, whatever the outcome, and until that time just try to focus on getting through each day in the best way possible (ie. doing as much as you can to fill your time). When you're busy it does certainly give yo less time to think.

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