Met Up With the Ex After 4 Months---And We're Both Dating Other People

Long story short, my ex-boyfriend of 2.5 years and I have been broken up for almost 4 months. Without a doubt, in the end, he emotionally abused me, but I didn't really realize the "name" for it or extent of it until after we broke up. Basically, I was a victim of constant blame, being told everything was my fault, being made to feel like I did not deserve anything & was "needy" for asking for time or other things that long-term girlfriends should naturally get. I was a victim of pouting, silent treatment, and withholding. He told me over and over he was just "not a planner," "not affectionate," etc. And I believed every excuse. The effects of this abuse are long-lasting. BUT, amongst that were REALLY great times too. We clicked on every level. We were in love, and the abuse was brought on by his selfishness and immaturity. I knew if he could ever grow up, we could be happy.

 

I dated one guy for about 2 months pretty soon after our breakup, but I just had a bad feeling about him. My gut feeling told me it wasn't right, despite the fact that he was a great guy. Well, my gut was eventually confirmed, I ended it and never looked back. I have been dating another guy now for almost a month. On paper, he is pretty much the perfect guy! He meets pretty much every "criteria" I've set, plus he REALLY likes me, treats me well, in every way I wanted my ex to treat me! For the first few dates, I really enjoyed his company. But I've gotten to the point that I'm having a bad gut feeling about him as well, for no reason.

 

I am doing a LOT better about my ex than I was in the month or two after the breakup. I have become stronger. My relationship with the Lord has strengthened, I have become more independent and realize that my life should not revolve around a guy. I am truly happy with myself, and I do not feel like I need a guy to complete me. I think that's why it has been so easy to say goodbye to the guys who have come along since my ex, because I was careful not to let myself get emotionally attached. I could look out for signs, trust my gut, and end it quickly.

 

About three weeks after my ex and I broke up, he started dating a new girl. So, they have been together about 3 months.

 

He & I were together for 2.5 years. We loved each other, loved the time we spent with each other. He told me that he wanted to marry me, was looking forward to his future with me. It was just a given -- we were going to get married. And he broke up with me totally out of the blue & with no real explanation, other than he just fell out of love with me somewhere along the line. The hard thing to let go of is this --- I KNOW where our problem lied, and I KNEW all along that if we could both make a few changes, we COULD be happy! Our arguments were based on his selfishness (admitted by him), the fact that the longer we were together, the lower he placed me on his priority list. He was a very selfish person, and it wasn't that he was waking up every day thinking "how can I hurt her today?" It's just that he made his decisions based on him and him alone, regardless of the repurcussions they had on others, me included. My reaction was always "nagging" in his eyes. But when you no longer feel secure in a relationship, when you feel like your boyfriend doesn't want to be there but when you confront him he makes every excuse and says he DOES want to be with you, that you're just overreacting (which I was NOT, if you'll look back at previous posts)...how are you supposed to sit back and be calm, and not ask questions or "nag?"

 

Ok well, after 3 months of no contact. After dating 2 other guys myself (one of which I am STILL dating but very unsure about), and he has a girlfriend, the thought of him would not leave my mind for about the past week. I fought the feeling, prayed for it to go away, but it persisted. I contacted him. I started out by just saying I felt we need to talk, and he was open to it. We texted for about 4 hours, and I finally got a lot of the answers I needed. He admitted that the breakup was mostly his fault, that he still feels guilty about it every day. He says that nobody deserved to be treated the way I was, and he truly is sorry. He told me that he prays for me, that I will find someone to treat me like a queen, because I deserve it. He says he is so sorry, but that he can't go back and fix it. He tells me that he doesn't know if the girl he is with right now is "the one," but he says they're happy where they're at, and that he is sure that we are not meant for each other and won't be getting back together. Despite all this, I was honest with him. I told him that I do still love him, and I don't feel that it is over. That with every new guy, I don't feel remotely how I did with him. That we both just KNEW it was right, and something went terribly wrong. So believe me, I left NOTHING unsaid. He knows exactly how I feel and that, despite how he treated me, I would love nothing more than to have a second chance to get back on the right foot. We have both learned some lessons, we have both strengthened our relationships with God since then. I feel that sometimes you've gotta hit the bottom to realize what you've lost and realize that what someone was telling you all along was exactly right, and he has made a lot of the changes in his life that I "nagged" for all along post-breakup. Also, most importantly, he apologized and I forgave him. He thanked me for forgiving him.

 

He told me that he would like for us to be friends, and that he will be there for me to support and encourage me if I needed it. He was giving me relationship advice about my new guy, telling me to give him a chance. That he knows it's hard, but I can't be afraid to open up to someone forever.

 

We talked for about three days on and off. Throughout all this, he assured me that all this is is a friend.

 

Well, on the fourth day, we met up for lunch. I was the one that initially asked if we could see each other. He suggested lunch or coffee. So that's what we did. I was a bundle of nerves, and it was awkward in the beginning, especially considering he knows exactly how I feel about him, and he doesn't feel the same. When we got to talking though and opened up, it was like old times. Of course, conversation was just general. About our families, our old friends we had together, catching up on major events in our lives. Not really nostalgic of specific events of our relationship -- but there was a lot of "we" talk on both ends. Such as "were we together when that happened, or have I not told you about that?" Or "remember when we..." type stuff. He mentioned several people that he met over the past few months that he made a connection that they knew me...so that let me know he had been talking about me. He told me he still misses me sometimes, he still sees things that remind him of what we had, but that he knows that we're not meant to be.

 

He opened doors for me, he bought my lunch, and we hugged when we left. He told me that he enjoyed seeing me.

 

What should I make of this? Granted, I contacted him first. But he didn't have to respond. And even if he responded, he could've been short with me. But he was very sympathetic, apologizing, trying to help me out. Telling me he is here for me for support and encouragement if I need it, that he is here as a friend. If he didn't still care, he wouldn't have said any of that. He wouldn't have talked to me for 2 more days after that. He CERTAINLY would not have met me for lunch, ESPECIALLY considering he knows I still love him!! If he thought we were strictly on "friend terms," maybe. But seeing as I told him yesterday that I still love him, and we had lunch today?????

 

ALSO, do you think he really means it when he says that he is truly happy with his new girlfriend, and that he knows that he and I are done forever? If you're happy with your new girlfriend, why would you rock the boat by texting & meeting up with your ex-girlfriend who you've only been broken up with for 4 months & you were together for 2.5 years? AND, if he truly felt NOTHING left for me, if he knew that we really were over for good, why would he have met up with me??

 

REALLY need opinions!

I wouldn't bother second guessing. Just accept his kindness for face value, limit contact as much as possible, and move on.

 

The affection he has for you remains, the desire to see you happy remains, the frustration that you weren't happy together at the end - that remains too.

 

Y'all can't go back, he is right about that. If you move forward and grow new skills and ways of interacting, you might be able to date again, but it will be years from now and isn't relevant today.

 

When you broke up, you didn't stop caring for one another. He hasn't found someone who challenges him like you did nor whom he respects the way he respects you. But he may discover that he is more compatible with someone who is less respectable and less challenging. It happens.

 

[i have a similar ex, one who says he feels "in his heart and in every fiber of his body" that he should be with me. But he is choosing someone else whom he was dating before he started dating me. Huh?]

he cares for you, but he does not wish to be in a relationship with you. one sign of respect is hearing people and not pursuing our own agenda with them if it's not what they want.

 

while he may not be in love with his girlfriend, she is clearly fulfilling his relationship needs in a way that is fulfilling to him. after the initial rush of hormones that foster attraction, relationships are a choice. and the choice he's made is to discontinue yours. part of me thinks that he doesn't like the person he was when he was with you: selfish, unkind, inconsiderate, etc. and in being your friend, he demonstrates better qualities without the responsibilities of an unfulfilling relationship.

 

I would accept all that has happened as closure and move on with your life. he's not going to come back anytime soon.

It's actually very simple. Time and perspective have made your ex realize what a heel he was to you. And he's happy that he got a chance to apologize and make things right with you. But he did not tell you he wanted to get back together with you, quite the opposite actually and right now he's happy with the new girlfriend. So take his kindness as a closure, leave him be and move on. Things did not work out for the two of you and it may very well be that while he is able to be your friend he is not able to be your love and knows this. He has told you in many different ways to move on and find happiness somewhere else with someone else the way he has, thank him and do just that.

despite how he treated me, I would love nothing more than to have a second chance to get back on the right foot.

I think you should just stop dating for now and concentrate on yourself and figuring out how to be happy in your own skin, as a single person who doesn't need an abuser back in her life. Please read that statement I quoted and reflect on how you do not value yourself enough.

 

You are leaving men who are probably much better partners on a "whim" on your "gut feeling" (newsflash, your intuition is faulty at the moment) instead of listening to the facts at hand you're longing for someone who treated you poorly. Something not quite right with that, love.

 

You can't expect to see the beauty in these other men when you've just (not even 1/2 a year ago) left someone that you were obviously addicted to. You'd still be there accepting his abuse if he didn't break up with you, likely. You're still emotional connected to the drama (I won't say love because people who love you don't treat you the way he did). You have to get more to the stage of indifference to your ex before you'll ever be able to see the qualities in other men you date.

 

Please, stay away from anyone who abuses you. Thank your higher power that he left you so that you can find the GOOD man that you were meant to spend your life with. The man that actually values you and wouldn't want to hurt you for the world.

 

He told me that he would like for us to be friends, and that he will be there for me to support and encourage me if I needed it. He was giving me relationship advice about my new guy, telling me to give him a chance. That he knows it's hard, but I can't be afraid to open up to someone forever.

Don't do this to yourself, go NC and get away from him for good so that you can find someone right. The more you rely on him, the longer you will remain vulnerable to him which will stagnate you from moving on. Don't torture yourself in that manner.

 

I feel sad when I read your hope that he wants you back. HE WAS ABUSIVE TO YOU, doll. Have you thought about getting councelling to help you realize that in 4 months he could not have changed from who you knew him to be?

 

if he knew that we really were over for good, why would he have met up with me??

He basically told you why; Because he's sorry how he treated you and he doesn't want his ego telling him he's a bad guy. Stop reaching.

I KNOW where our problem lied, and I KNEW all along that if we could both make a few changes, we COULD be happy!

 

Hi Confused321,

 

I'd just like to say that I sympathize with you a lot and agree with the other posters. I quoted what I did, because I felt (and still feel) the SAME WAY about my past relationship but I also felt the same way about other things you said about your ex and mine when it comes to their priorities not always being on you. My ex and I broke up 3 times and when we got back together twice, she was SO appreciative of me. She'd text me just to say "thanks" for the smallest thing I'd do for her or even just to say she was thinking of me. She made me #1 after having just broken up with me and made sure to tell me whenever possible, but then over the course of time, a couple weeks, a few months etc., she'd stop texting, she wouldn't care when I'd the same things for her and then some, and would pretty much expect more and more from me while giving less and less in return. Much the same way you detailed, she was never hateful towards me but also didn't consider me in her plans a lot. She mentioned the possibility of her going to college further away as if it were no big deal and didn't seem to mind the fact that we'd have reduced contact or no contact. As it turned out, she never went to college out of state anyway so it seemed like she almost said it just to get me worked up because she never even applied to the colleges she mentioned.

 

ANYWAY... I only say that so you can remember that although he may be sorry and he MAY mean it, weren't there other things he was probably sorry for while you were together and he'd apologize and you'd be great but then the same mistakes would crop up? You mentioned he's changed and worked on the things you nagged him about, but hadn't he before? You were together for a long time, so I know its hard to let go of the feeling, especially when you feel that things could've been different but what if they couldn't? Maybe it wouldve been the same cycle of you forgiving him and things being great, then bad again, then great and so on. You deserve absolute love, not just love when someone else "feels like it" or temporary highs and longer lasting lows.

 

I agree with the other posters that he is sincere and is showing you a degree of caring that most exes don't show their exes, especailly after they've found someone else. This isn't because exes are mean people, but most don't want to give their exes "false hope" if they were the one who broke it off, or they may still have feelings for an ex whereas the other doesn't and they don't want to hurt themselves by being in a bad position. Trust me... I know what its like to go to an outing knowing that the other person KNOWS your feelings and hasn't shared theirs... I know how much it hurts and I truly wish you the best. It sounds as though you have a great social network of friends to lean on so I hope you go to them or make more because you seem like a genuinely caring person who thinks through so many details and deserves someone who'll appreciate that. Not someone who isn't clear on their intentions and could change for better or worse at any time.

 

Continue your walk with God. It's helped me tremendously as well (and others, I have no doubt). Everything happens for a reason. I also don't recommend you stop seeing the guy you're seeing unless you feel really unsure about him, but you never know. Be open-minded but don't overanalyze the past and look towards a future that will be more hopeful because it will be stable. only filled with yourself and the people who love you and deserve to have your love. I have faith you'll be back on your feet and this is only a moment of temporary doubt. Hang in their confused321. God bless.